B. Smith’s Husband Responds to Criticism Over New Girlfriend Amid Wife's Alzheimer’s Battle

Discussion in 'Mental, Medical and Sexual Health' started by OckyDub, Jan 29, 2019.

  1. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    I think he would've gotten backlash regardless but the fact that its (gasp) a white woman, it made the backlash worse.

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    B. Smith’s husband is not backing down against people who have criticized his decision to date another woman while caring for his sick wife.

    Dan Gasby, 64—who has been the restaurateur and lifestyle guru’s primary caretaker since she was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease six years ago—opened up about his unconventional relationship with girlfriend Alex Lerner, 53, in a profile published in theWashington Post on Monday.

    “If This Is Us and Modern Family came together, it would be us,” he told the Post of his family’s dynamic, which involves the trio living together in the couple’s East Hampton home when Lerner is visiting from Manhattan.

    Gasby has been the subject of criticism since he first went public with Lerner in December, but since the new profile came out, the critics have been especially vocal. Commenters on Facebook and Twitter have called their relationship “shameful” and suggest his choices qualify as cheating on Smith, 69.

    Gasby seemingly addressed specific bloggers and writers—some of which he feels are “spewing racist innuendo” because he is dating a white woman—who spoke out against him with a post on Facebookshortly after the Post article went live.

    “To the idiots and ignorant people calling for my arrest and saying B is or has ever been abused I only wish someone in your immediate family has Alzheimer’s so you can see feel and experience the pain of millions of people across this country so you can know first hand what it’s like to care 24/7/365 for someone who can no longer care for themselves!” he wrote.

    [​IMG]

    He continued by asking the critics to consider what they would do if they were in a similar situation.

    “5-10 years from now when many of you who will have an almost predestined meeting with Alzheimer’s because of genetics, obesity, and a myriad of inflammatory diseases,” he wrote, “you’ll be wishing for someone to share moments with and ease the pain of loneliness and despair.”

    “I love my wife but I can’t let her take away my life!” he continued.

    Some followers—many whom also care or have cared for a loved one with Alzheimer’s—have come to Gasby’s defense.

    “There are no right or wrongs to how a couple wishes to live in their love,” one commenter wrote on Facebook. “Anyone who steps outside of those restricting boundaries are seen as odd. The bottom line is everyone is happy. No one is hiding and everyone is getting along. I respect anyone who lives boldly.”

    [​IMG]
    Lerner and Gasby first met in the summer of 2017 at a Hamptons bar, and struck up a conversation. Romance didn’t come at first. “We were friends,” Lerner, a divorced mother of three, told the Post, adding that she had socialized with Smith previously at charity events. “I didn’t want to go out with a married man.”

    But at a breakfast with Gasby and Smith one morning, Lerner realized, “This is not a man cheating on his wife.”

    “What I admire about him,” she said, “is that he takes care of her.”
     
  2. ControlledXaos

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    We don't know if they had a pre arragned clause for this in their relationship. Many people are pulling the "in sickness and in health card" but I'm not with that.

    I can understand. If it were me, I'd be OK with my partner doing what he needs to do to be happy. However it would be nice to have this discussed beforehand. Say if I'm not in the mental state to consent with sex or intimacy and my dude has needs I can't fulfill, please do so but don't have me languishing.

    But this is why couples need to discuss such things as this and DNR conditions if it comes to that. I wouldn't want to be a vegetable kept alive in machines and causing financial problems for my family. Let me go and be at peace.
     
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  3. OckyDub

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    I just feel it would've been cool if he didn't make the relationship public.
     
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  4. ControlledXaos

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    I see that But he probably felt it was better to just come out with it so they can go eat in public.

    Personally I just would have sent out a joint statement with B. To Squash all questions if I were to go public with it but honestly he could have kept this to himself.
     
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  5. RolandG

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    I know i'm supposed to say people should mind their own business but this is just plain messy. Like @OckyDub said, maybe this should've been kept private but then people would've felt he was sneaking around and cheating. Here is my thing, what is the difference between Alzheimers and any other disease or disability. Having needs is one thing, but i'm sure the vows do include sickness and health. Did he ask the priest to scratch that part during the wedding ceremony? If she was in a car accident and couldn't walk, would that be a reason to step out as well? These days, I just feel people are selfish and want their cake and eat it too. If it was an agreed-upon open relationship, then so be it but the optics of this just stink to high heavens.
     
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  6. ControlledXaos

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    B Could possibly wake up one day and not know who he is. When people have this or dementia they start losing themselves. Imagine looking at someone you've known for most of your life and seeing them slowly fade away. You love them and you remember how they were but constantly have to tell them how they used to be. That can be tiring after a while.

    I am sure that the hard questions probably came up before she was as far as she is now but we don't know.

    That's why I'm not passing judgment because we don't know what they arranged or didn't. I can only speak for myself and what I would want.

    My grandma had dimentia and it's just not easy to deal with from many points of view. I just don't want someone to be held back by me. If I was paralyzed from the neck down and my guy wanted some good good and I couldn't perform I'm all for him getting some outside of me. But don't bring them in our house. In this situation that chick could be in a studio apartment somewhere but doesn't have to be in the house with them.
     
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  7. RolandG

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    If you traveled for work and weren't home to give your man that "good good" would it be acceptable for him to get it from someone else? I just think It's poor taste now that we are saying it's ok for people to go outside the marriage just because their spouse is sick or disabled. To me, it's a gigantic cop out because people know it would look worse if they left their spouse altogether. I think about Christopher Reeves wife who stayed with him while he was paralyzed. Maybe they had a secret situation where she could get some on the side but she definitely wasn't out tootsie-rolling all over town with another dude and giving interviews about it in the press.
     
  8. ControlledXaos

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    Come on now, man. You know good and well that's not an equal comparison at all. If my man was that horny we can Skype or FaceTime or something. Not being in the same physical location and not being able to move my pelvic region are not the same situation.

    It's like this ... If you're in a relationship with someone and they start changing behaviors in a negative way , that would give most people pause. How would you feel if you were with someone and they started screaming and yelling at you because they don't recognize you any more and think you're a stranger? That has to be stressful mentally and emotionally. I'm not saying she's at that point herself but she very well could be one day.

    Also the street committee said she doesn't have any children so she doesn't have anyone else. Many gay men are in this same situation. Maybe they have some nephews or nieces but no direct dependents can make things more complicated.

    I don't think he doesn't love her. I don't think he's given up either. However this man isn't a spring chicken himself and he's been dealing with it for a lot longer than was made public. So I think he's just trying to make the best of the rest of his life.

    I just don't think he planned this or was thinking "oh she's sick so I'm just gonna wait this out then I'm about to spend all that money and get me a new bitch!"
     
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  9. mojoreece

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    look some people have open marriages. If grown ppl communicate and put everything on the table then it can work.
    But as i said in a previous post:yeshrug:

    This is really a tough issue.
    What is one ot do if their spouse is ill and not able to have sex?:thinking:
     
    #9 mojoreece, Jan 30, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2019
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  10. SB3

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    There's no blueprint for this kind of thing. So the side eyes, and peanut gallery protests are inevitable...and not necessarily without merit. However, for all we know, B could have very well told him 'I know what this condition entails for me and us down the line, and I want you to continue fully living your life unhindered by my limitations'. Hell, people still have a hard time understanding married couples who live separately, and many other nontraditional approaches to life, so don't hold your breath waiting on ppl to 'get' this. Not saying this is the case, but it is possible.
     
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  11. Omega Level

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    When I first saw this story I already knew the initial backlash, specifically when I saw that his girlfriend was a white woman. So I had to look further into the story which also had a video attached in which everyone (with the exception of B. Smith) spoke about the situation, including their daughter.

    After seeing the video, I 1000% agree with what he is doing and I actually find it very emotional and sweet as well as loving for ALL parties involved.

    First of all, not only did he not leave his wife, but his girlfriend helps take care of her as well. They are a family. Secondly, their daughter agrees with it and is happy for her father.

    You know what would be selfish as fuck? If you get fucked up in some way that your are totally incapable of being a proper spouse for your partner, so you think "well since I'm fucked up, you just better be fucked up with me." I feel that is what would be awful and selfish.

    Its one thing if he left her and went out partying it up with a new girlfriend, but that's not what this is AT ALL. You can tell that man still loves the hell out of his wife and can see the pain in his face he has probably experienced for years. So the fact that he can get any ounce of joy and companionship from someone else (while still caring for his wife) is freakin remarkable.

    Yes, one can say they could of kept it to themselves, not exactly sure what was the motivation to tell the story, but people that find fault in this story or think this man is being selfish should be ashamed of themselves.
     
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  12. ControlledXaos

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  13. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Some great POV's on the topic. Much of which was already echoed here.

     
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  14. mojoreece

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    Im with Whoopi on this I remember b smith from the 90s when she had her BET TV show and was on magazine covers. It was really hard to see her like this. Also this women was a role model to black women. I aint judgin I just feel this should be handled in private. Her Black female fans def not going to be down with this.
     
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  15. ControlledXaos

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    They ain't.

    The main reason why I think it was better to go public is because they are going to be out and about traipsing through the Hamptons and someone would see them together and it would look worse even if he has B's blessing.
     
  16. thane

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    Man you right about dementia, you really can't know until you deal with it....You really got me with the truth of what you wrote.The thing I find most upsetting for those affect by the condition is a loss of human dignity and I suspect much of the outrage reaction spreads from this root. Like you said, if his friend had her own apartment it would seem more respectful of his wife and her condition.
     
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