Can I Out My Ex-Husband to His Girlfriend?

Should I anonymously send a copy of the ad my ex-husband has on a gay-bi-fetish website to his current girlfriend (or more appropriately, beard) to prevent her from discovering too late what took me 15 years to uncover?

My ex has at least two personal ads on two gay-bi-fetish websites. I know for a fact that while he has been dating her, he has met at least one man in a motel room in another state. I am not being malicious in wanting to let her know; my concern is that if her daughter becomes attached to him, and the relationship ends because of his infidelity, it may be difficult for the girl. (Apparently, he spends more time with this woman’s daughter than he does with his own children.)

My children are unaware of their father’s predilection, and even when faced with irrefutable evidence, he has denied everything. My ex does not know that I know about his ads. He does, however, know that I was aware of his perusal of hundreds of such ads, as well as receipts for certain purchases. He is 50 and had a religious upbringing, which I feel is the main reason he has never been forthright. I am not looking to “out him” to the world; I just think this woman should know and/or get herself tested for sexually transmitted diseases.

What do you think is the right way to approach this? Is an anonymous letter or a copy of the ad the way to go? The ad obscures his face, but if you know what he looks like — in a Speedo — and the inside of his old apartment, there is no mistaking him. (Not to mention that I can log in as him and verify the account is registered to him, as he never changed his passwords.)

Lastly, the reason I suggest informing her anonymously is because I don’t want him to know that I was the one who sent the information to her. But should I instead bring it up with her in person, if I ever have the opportunity to speak to her one on one?

I have every intent of sending some-thing, as I am sure this woman thinks things are serious with him after a year, but then I ponder whether it is the right thing to do or whether it will negatively impact my children and me. Name Withheld

I see two sets of considerations here. On one hand, you acquired the information about your ex-husband as his wife. He has a reasonable expectation of privacy about information acquired that way. If he had bothered to change his passwords, you presumably wouldn’t be aware of his out-of-state tryst. That you know how to log in as him and have clearly been doing so suggests something cyber-stalker-ish is going on here. The fact that you can access this information about him doesn’t mean you have any right to do so. And as your letter suggests, it’s natural to wonder about your own motives in wanting to out your ex to his new girlfriend.

On the other hand, there are real worries if his new partner stays in the dark. (I’m assuming that she is in the dark; it’s entirely possible that she isn’t.) You indicate that your ex might be failing to take the safe-sex precautions that would protect both him and her. Were she to test positive for H.I.V., say, you would have reason to regret not having warned her. Then there’s the risk that she’ll eventually discover his infidelities and that disentangling herself will be painful for her and her daughter. Your use of the word “beard” suggests that you don’t think he is genuinely fond of her, although you don’t offer any evidence for this inference. However he feels, we can agree, he ought to come clean with her. It would then be up to her to decide what she wanted to do.

Do you have a duty to protect her from these risks by passing on confidential information, acquired through marriage, without his consent? I would say no. For one thing, even if you do this anonymously, he may well figure out what happened. And you express concern that this might “negatively impact” you and your children. Despite this, are you morally permitted to go through with your plan? That’s a harder issue in my view — especially given that much of what you’ve learned was through illegitimate means — but on balance, I’d say that you are. Yet you’re not just asking me whether you should do it; you’re asking my advice about how you should do it. Because I’m not sure you should, I’m not going to try to say how. Here’s a piece of advice I do have: It’s time to let go of your ex. You (and he) will be better off for it.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/04/...&kwp_0=305697&kwp_4=1178565&kwp_1=534653&_r=0