Falling for your Straight Best Friend

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Austin MD, Oct 12, 2018.

  1. Austin MD

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    Wassup guys, I want your thoughts, opinions and advice on this. Well I always knew I had an attraction for guys since High School but in college that’s when I knew something was up. Mind you I never acted on it but now I see enough is enough and I want to try.

    Well while in college, I became good friends with 3 other guys but one in particular caught my eye from day one, we will call him Dave for this story. He’s such a great dude and we both bring out the best in each other. We literally can work a room. He’s straight. Sophomore year the 4 of us rented an apartment. Just so happen 2 of my friends left for a super bowl weekend and me and Dave was stuck at our place. During halftime (Beyoncé 2013) we were chilling and he looked at me. He did not say anything but gave a half smile like he was checking me out. We had a drink but neither of us was drunk by any means. Dave then said to me to just man up and the opportunity to do something was right now. I really wanted to but I chicken out and just played it off. After that day we never spoke on this to each other.

    Fast forward to present and I beat myself up for not trying anything. He’s married now and lives 4 hours away. We talk regularly and he’s wants to spend a weekend at my place and he’s not bringing his wife. I want to know what should I do? Should I bring up that night 5 years ago and tell him how I really like him or just keep it to myself? This been eating at me for so long. Every guy I become just friends with I compare them to Dave. How can I get him out my system in that way? I still don’t want to mess things up either since we are friends and he’s married. I’m in need of you guys help.
     
  2. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    You sound new to the scene?!?!

    He's married now. In my opinion, I'd move on. That was the past and that's where it should stay. I think the opportunity to meet someone even more mesmerizing is in your future if you let go of your past that is creating that mental block to focus on others.

    You two can catch up if you like but remember, he's married. Don't fall for any shenanigans and hook up with him if you know he's married. So be on the lookout if that comes up. Deny him promptly out of respect for his wife because if you were in her shoes, you wouldn't want someone to do it to you.

    I think most of the squad has a pretty strong "stay away from straight men" stance. Your post comes off as you thinking about trying "something". If so, I wouldn't recommend it personally.

    Go out to a bar or other events where gay/bi frequent to get Dave of your mind.. Take it as a learning lesson, break free and move on to someone who is also "free". If that makes sense.

    Good luck and don't be afraid to find other dudes to connect with. There are so many men (gay and bi) on this planet, we can't possibly waste anymore time hoping for just a past crush to magically fall back into our lives forever. Don't block your blessings.
     
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  3. Nigerian Prince

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  4. Nigerian Prince

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    The thing is that if you make the decision to eat forbidden fruit then you have to deal with the consequences of having said fruit. If you're okay with being the side-piece then okay but I can tell you really have deep feelings for the man. I don't think you would be okay being second place to his wife. If you want the friendship and you really value that relationship you both have then just keep it that way. At least the both of you will be able to be around each other but you have to keep your emotions and expectations in check. I've known a lot of straight men more so in college that I found very attractive and they would treat me very well but I just knew that nothing would come so I really suppressed those feelings.

    I think you have to see other men you meet and you may want to experiment with as who they are. Do not compare them to "Dave" because you will never enjoy what could possibly come out of those future relationships with other men who are not "Dave".

    Hope this helps @Austin MD
     
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  5. Juan-Carlos

    Juan-Carlos Opps are dealt with by a savage Thanos snap. HNY
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    Unfortunately @Austin MD , you may have to chalk it up to a missed opportunity if you indeed value the friendship. The take away is your budding awareness. Sometimes , situations can serendipitously happen which should be taken advantage if you allow yourself to be present whether it's a job opportunity or meeting someone new. I've missed out on a couple of experiences because I either didn't surrender to the moment by not being cognizant or by talking myself out of the situation going any further. It's undeniable what your feelings are for this guy now. Please don't waste your time and energy on the "shoulda,coulda,wouldas." Learn from this and maybe in 5 years or 10 years, his situation may change and if he's harboring something special still for you and if you're available and feel the same way, your paths will cross again. Creo que soy un romántico de corazón. Facts.
     
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  6. Nick Delmacy

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    I have a long list of stories like this. 99% of them led to nothing. A lot of straight dudes like to fly close to the sun, especially with friends.

    On one hand, I would say to move on and look for someone to hookup with that is less "work." You never really got confirmation that he gets down, based on what I read. For all you know he could have been testing you to make sure you weren't gay (especially given that this happened during a Beyonce performance, of all times).

    On the other hand, you only live once. The dude is married, but you're single. If you want to risk losing the friendship over a potential nut, have at it. He may or may not be down to cheat on his wife. I wouldn't bring up the convo 5 years ago, I would just flip it on him and use the same words. If he remembers it and is down, it could go the way you want. If he's not interested, you can always play it off as a joke, bringing up the situation from 5 years ago as if you were pranking him back.

    But overall, I would let it go. Dude has been your friend for at least 6 years and has a wife. That's what we in the community call "messy." You live in South Carolina so your options up there may not be plentiful, but if you can become buddies with some of the guys your age in ATL here on the site, that's only a 3-4 hour drive. Going to one house party here in Atlanta with rooms full of fine ass Black men, you'll forget all about that brief, ambiguous, G rated exchange with your friend 5 years ago.

    I can't guarantee that these guys won't be fuckboys or that your first same sex experience with a different guy will be as meaningful as it would be with a friend of 6 years, but at least you won't have to deal with so much ambiguity and drama.
     
  7. Austin MD

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    Thanks guys. From this I got an answer I kinda knew was to just move on. My thing is I wished I asked why he initiated the act to begin with. Like I’m sure he knows that I like guys because it’s been insinuated a few extra times but he’ll play it off and me being me, I won’t go any further. I just hate the hold he has on me if you all get it. Like I’ve had 2 gf’s since then but still it’s him that I light up too.
    Plus since he’s married I don’t want to be involved with him like that because I’ve know his wife and even though I’m not the best of friends with her I still wouldn’t want to do that. Plus I’ve been in there wedding and everything. Maybe I’ll head to the A like you all suggested since I’m an 1hr and half away and just build of the nerves to try my luck there.
     
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  8. Nigerian Prince

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    THAT PART!
     
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  9. ControlledXaos

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    Hang out? Treat him like you have always treated him.

    Yes. Only because if you don't, it is going to continue to eat at you. Just don't go in with any expectations that 'something' will happen. You're just going in to tell him how you felt then and that night. However, I wouldn't suggest acting on anything. This is a married man after all. He could be messing around her with other dudes already for all you know but he's likely not going to leave her to be with you. Or who knows? Maybe he is still questioning himself today and you 'coming out' to him, you could be ear to listen.

    Just don't wait until the last morning before he leaves to do this as this may be a long talk.

    Those guys are not him but what are about Dave are you comparing him to other guys? Looks? The way you two interact? The things you both like to do socially?
     
  10. Austin MD

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    It’s more of a personality thing. That’s what made me like Dave the most because he was a funny dude. I’m slowly trying to stop this because I missed a lot of great opportunities focusing my energy on that man.
     
  11. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I think many of us here on the site have wasted a lot of time chasing a straight dude. Or even just chasing a dude who is ambiguous about his sexuality. Eventually you may get to the point I did where you realize there are so many more fulfilling experiences you will have with men who you actually KNOW are gay or bisexual.

    I remember I used to chase after this one “straight” dude from college in my late 20s, missing out on so many “good dudes” who desperately wanted my peen. He was a long time crush and I had heard whispers from women that he might be bisexual. I remember he used to text me that he wanted to “hang out,” and I would break dates with dudes I knew liked me just to have a chance with the “straight” dude that I was crushing on. Long story short, I finally hooked up with him and it was very mediocre. He just kinda laid there. I did all the “work.” Then he ghosted for awhile, even though he still texted me occasionally. We hooked up maybe 3-4 more times but each time was less exciting than the last. HOWEVER, when we were just “hanging out” (ie: talking, watching TV, playing video games, sports bars for drinks) we had a great time. Basically, I got the vibe that he was curious about the gay stuff but he wasn’t very comfortable with it yet...and clearly he wasn’t trying to seriously date me. Even after hooking up a handful of times, I wasn’t clear on if he even really liked men.

    Anyway, moral of that story is the “straight” guys take a lot of patience and work (most of the time). Your experience may be different though, these younger guys nowadays are much more free and sexually fluid than they were back when I was your age.
     
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  12. HauteChocolat

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    @Nick Delmacy you have no idea how useful I found this. Thanks.
     
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  13. alton

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    AND they dont wash they a$$es good.
     
  14. ControlledXaos

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    That's what I gather. Mofos in the locker room be having skid marks and I'm like: you don't smell that and that ain't got you with the itchy booty?
     
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  15. SB3

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    All that sharing and THIS was your takeaway?! Lmao
     
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  16. alton

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    LMAO!!
     
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  17. jusrawb

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    I don't think that there is anything wrong with asking him what did he mean by what he said that night but at the same time you have to be willing to accept that the opportunity to act on it has passed. At the end of the day he is married, so he isn't emotionally available and you seem to be feeling him more than sexually.
     
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  18. Cyrus-Brooks

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    My advice don't mention anything about the night in question don't touch him with a ten foot pole. Don't let him visit you away from his wife. Straight and bisexual dudes are a waste of time. Once they get even a hint you might have some feelings for them they will toy with you then turn to ice if they know you're gay or even suspect you're gay. Str8 and bi niggas are expert manipulators they practice their skills on women all the time. Getting involved with him on will only result in hurt feelings for you. Don't set yourself up for any BS. Also you don't want any drama from her. Once she finds out what's up with you there will get static from her too. Keep your distance from him. Make new friends, go on dates. Lock him away in the darkest corner of your mind and don't let him out. Eventually you'll get over him.
     
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