Finance and Dating(with Black Gay Men)

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Lancer, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. Lancer

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    [​IMG]

    When it comes to dating, a dudes finances have never been on the top of my list to. Hell, I could even say its not in my top ten. Do not get me wrong I do want him to have a job, be able to keep a job, and be wise with his finances. If he does not like his job and wants to step things up, then that's a personal thing and I will encourage him in the process, no doubt.
    [​IMG]
    That's one of the things that made me REALLY love Raul Castillo character,Richie Donaldo Ventura, on HBO's 'Looking'. Dude was was cutting hair and loved it. He was happy with the money he made, and had a passion for his job.
    So I went on a date with this dude. We had been talking on the app and I asked him out

    Side note: I like to be the one making the first move that way, they are in my court. I feel I have more control over the date and don't get too nervous, than if they were the first to ask me out. lol

    ...so he says we should meet at this restaurant. We meet a few walking distance from it, homeboy is good looking, short, well articulate, mature. We get to the restaurant, sit and the waiter brings over the menu. I notice its the kind that does't have the price listed. So I quickly think, this place must be expensive. I look around its very pristine, well polished silverware and lots of white ppl.
    [​IMG]
    I just say 'oh, I had something before and will just have water'. We get to talking, he is interesting, loves Obama, travelling with his friends on private jets and likes the finer things in life. Which is all cool with me, you work hard and should enjoy your money. I was really impressed, seeing a brother doing his thing and loving it. I was feeling him and then he goes on to say he can only date someone in his salary range which was around 60-70k a month!
    [​IMG]
    He goes on to say, his ex made less than him and it really put a strain on the relationship. Dude only dates black, and mentioned its hard to meet other gay black dudes in his field with income as his. So, I knew I did not stand a chance. We then go for a walk, and make a stop by a Luxury watch store to get gifts for his friends. Later, we say our good byes and I say I would like to meet him again.
    I said so, on some cool, chill, intelligent, successful, well traveled brother that I would like to get to know as a friend not on a romantic level.
    Msg him the following week, I arrange another meet up. Then on the day of the meet up, like 2hrs before, I call him and he says he forgot and cant make it. Msg received.:salute:
    Later msg him, if he ever wanted to grab a drink and chill he could hit me up. Two days later he replies 'ok'.
    [​IMG]

    I totally get dude. He knows want he wants in a dude, he is focused!
    Honestly I was thinking about my friends, the white ones, who have met dudes on various pay grades and that was never a determining factor for them. Hell a white friend of mine has been with his big Pharma CEO boyfriend for years now, and the financial difference was never a thing. Another white friend bought a house with his fella, he brought what he had been saving up for a house and his higher earning dude covered the rest. They both work hard at their jobs and love each other.

    I guess what I am trying to say is money comes and goes, do not let it be a determining factor in choosing a dude and are black men very critical with what they want in their dudes?
    [​IMG]
     
    #1 Lancer, Jul 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  2. RolandG

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    $70,000 a month is a lot of money and I hate to by cynical, but there aren't many black gay men walking around in that salary bracket. Maybe he was being honest or maybe not. Keep in mind, a lot of black gay men, at least the ones i've met that seemed wealthy, were living way beyond their means. Gucci shoes, YSL belts, Prada glasses but they didn't have their own place. In many cases, they were "stunting" which means engaging in fraudulent activities to obtain money.

    With that being said, many people pretend that they don't care about another person's finances but you should. If you are a person, like myself, that works hard and saves and invests, then you don't want someone who is going to be careless and frivolous with money in the relationship. Many marriages have disintegrated due to one party squandering money and not saving and investing. Would I date someone who earns less than me? Absolutely I would. A person can earn less and still live within their means and manage finances well. I would prefer that to someone who earns $200,000 a year and is in debt up to their eyeballs and spends outlandishly. You mentioned your date stopped by an expensive store to buy expensive gifts for his friends. I suppose that's ok if he's single since it is his money, but my partner WILL NOT be spending large sums of money on his friends or family for that matter. My two cents.
     
  3. Nick Delmacy

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    As my gay friends know, I don't care about what a dude makes, as long as he can take care of himself and doesn't need my help. They say I like to date "the help" because I be checking out the restaurant servers, security guards, UPS drivers, Cashiers, etc. I love guys who still have goals and are working towards them. That is sexy to me. The already accomplished dudes be boring, so I gravitate towards the artists and entreprenuers.

    Having said that, many Black gay men I know (in Atlanta and Beyond) are pretty successful. So I often see/hear about them traveling to exotic places or buying new properties or making additions/renovations to their homes. Like @RolandG says, many of them are living beyond their means. One friend currently lives at home with his parents yet he travels and owns a home (he rents it out for income).

    I work hard, make decent money and live independently (apartment, paid for car, all of the electronic toys I could want, savings in the bank) but at times in the past I have felt that I'm financially "lesser than" many gay men out there, especially the ones around my age.

    Your story @Lancer is one that I haven't come across myself but I always assume many guys on the apps make way more money than me like the guy you described. Having said that, he sounded very pretentious and boring, so I'm not sure I would have even made it past the texting phase with him.
     
  4. RolandG

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    I mean, I don't know about this. LOL So you're saying you would date a fast food worker as long as he has goals? I guess I'm trying to understand this type of guy that you speak of. Are these guys your age or close? I can understand if he is a manager at Bojangles but is hustling to finish school or start his own business or working towards a concrete plan. It's different if he's just a fry cook and he's in his late 30s and he's been in and out of school for two decades. A lot of guys have only dreams and aren't doing much to achieve them. That's a turn off for me. But like you said, the one thing he must have is the ability to support himself. I've never been the kind to pay light bills and loans to have cable turned back on.
     
  5. Nick Delmacy

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    A fast food worker could theoretically become the CEO of a dope startup one day...or not. all I'm saying is, unlike a lot of gay men, I don't just look at the current place a person is in. One of my more "sassy" black gay friends says they aren't looking for a "project" or a man who is a "work in progress." I can understand that thinking, especially if your desire is someone "equally yoked."

    Having been an artist entrepreneur who was once broke as shit, I know what its like to be disregarded in dating. So I don't discriminate if a 30+ dude says he works fast food now but is developing an app in his free time that could make him tons of money in the long term. Its a case by case basis. I've met men who worked in factories for $12/hr and were content with their "good jobs." They were not the type that I'm talking about.
     
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  6. RolandG

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    I understand. I think that's why i wrote more of a mindset. Like I said, I've met dudes who earned more than i did but had debt up to their eyeballs. One was a doctor making close to $400,000 but couldn't even buy a home because his credit was jacked up. I do want a dude who has dreams and goals but he also has to be in a place where he can support himself and be able to afford to even go on dates. I'd take a $60,000/year dude with good management skills over a $100,000/year dude who spends half of his income on designer clothes and treating his friends to "lit" vacations.
     
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  7. ControlledXaos

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    He can't date a dude who makes less per week than the majority of single people make in one whole entire year, yet he is on a app that costs all of free.99?

    :wtb:
     
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  8. Nick Delmacy

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    THIS!

    Not to mention the more they make, the more they whore around. And the wealthy men seem to be even more picky in a community of picky gay men...

    I would take a $30k a year bus driver who returns my texts quickly over the $840k dude that @Lancer mentioned.

    Not saying how much I make but its between the range you listed above...but you would think I make $20k a year because I'm simple as fuk. I'm an easy date, lol. Take me on a first date to a book store or a mall to "walk and talk" and I'll be just as impressed as I would have been at a fancy restaurant with the baller dude that @Lancer went out with.
     
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  9. takeyourmeds91

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    Yall are tearing this thread up and I wish I had the patience to work backward and see what yall was talmbout...
     
  10. Nick Delmacy

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  11. takeyourmeds91

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    lmaoo
     
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  12. Lancer

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    Me too! Don't forget the delivery guy, the construction worker and SALES ATTENDANTS!!! Lawd knows I have bought many items I did not need just in an effort get a sales guys number.
     
    #12 Lancer, Jul 16, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  13. Artistic Arsonist

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    $70k a month? Should the first date have even happened before that was disclosed?
     
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  14. SB3

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    So @Lancer did he ever get around to telling you what he does that pays him so damn much?

    Either way, I smelled the wackness seeping from his pores once he chose that restaurant for a first date. Smh
     
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  15. Lancer

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    From my gathering I think he works for a very big company, is one of its top heads, and oversees a lot of white folks. I noticed he refused to give his surname, cos then I could Google him.
    See dude was not wack, let me set the record straight. We were just cut from different cloths. His parents were wealthy and he grew up in different countries. I have noticed some folks brought up in wealth and are wealthy just move different than others, I don't know how to explain it.
     
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  16. Lancer

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    Some folks are open like that. Lets not forget going on dates are like interviews. One puts forth requirements, and you see if the other person can match up to them.
     
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  17. Omega Level

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    So let me get this straight, he makes 60 - 70k a month and ONLY interested in black gay men in his salary range?

    And although you didn't go into the entire conversation during the date, I imagine I black gay man at this level of financial success would definitely not stop there. He would also need to be,

    • Attractive (to his standards)
    • Height and weight proportional
    • A top (if he is a bottom) w/ a big dick
    • A bottom (if he is a top) w/ a nice ass
    • Has great style
    • Great taste in homes.
    • ETC, ETC
    I have nothing against apps, but it seems like he may need to use a better method of choosing dates that would meet his "caliber". Such as gay social circles of all high net worth men that can set him up with someone at his level. There are many very wealthy gay men indeed and more often than not, they are old, overweight, balding, late queens that still listen to disco, you get the point.

    I have nothing against his financial success and can understand how he would like someone similar to him. However, it would seem to me that some concessions would need to be made if he really wants to date someone. That is going to be unbelievably hard to find with matching income as the starting (not only) criteria. He actually sounds completely ridiculous. (including the obnoxious getting expensive gifts for friends during the date). Im sure your better off not getting to know this guy.
     
  18. Lancer

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    When mentioned the Ex, it did seem he was very attractive. He used to get complements on how attractive his then boyfriend was. He mentioned the ex had an amazing body to go with it, spending 4-6 days a week at the gym.
    About moving in Gay social circles, most of his life he was moved in predominantly white spaces. He does not feel comfortable in an all black gay space, I did not press to ask why.
     
  19. Lancer

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    Let me be clear here, for those that think homeboy is ridiculous, I do not think so. He is, who he is! He loves the finer things and can afford to get luxury items for his friends, that's HIS life and I am sure his wealthy friends do the same for him too. He knows what he wants in a dude and is sticking to his guns about it. It does not make his standards ridiculous, its just another standard in the vast array of the dating field standards.
    Don't judge me when I say, I still wish he will msg me again and somethings when I get alerts, part of me hopes its him.
    [​IMG]
     
  20. machoBLKnerd

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    is the issue that he thinks this way or that he said it (and the manner in which he shared it) on a date?

    i don't understand why so many folks side eye this dude. historically, most ppl date and marry along similar class lines and levels of education. ppl rarely had to think about it or say it aloud b/c social networks--which are heavily shaped by class and income--already do a lot of the filtering. for example, since ppl who earn college degrees tend to hang w other educated ppl and occupy similar spaces, one may not have to say "i prefer to date someone with a degree" b/c it's assumed in many instances and the sorting often takes care of itself. even blk alumni grps at my alma maters have #blackivy social/dating events around the country, so we can "marry ivy" or network with others of similar pedigree. the only thing different about dude is that apps soften or close some of the spacial divides between ppl of different class/income/education levels. now, dates no longer have to run the same circles to connect. but this does not change most ppl's preference for class parity.

    some may not like this, but generally speaking, ppl with less money are inclined to say income is not a factor in choosing a partner. (kinda like when dudes who are not "lookers" say looks don't matter as much and try to make you feel bad for not agreeing w them) #sorrynotsorry. high earners don't (have to) say anything outright b/c work mixers, college circles, friends of similar success, etc. already do much of the filtering b4hand. but questions like "what do you do?" are common proxies for estimating finances. this guy is not terrible for wanting someone of similar income and i think many responses here are unfair. his approach, however, is terrible especially for a first date. but this is what our collective desire for efficiency--which apps accommodate--does to human interaction. it makes us discard of ppl quickly and often inhumanely. most of us participate in this culture of disposability and i feel like he's getting criticized harshly just b/c his criteria for disposing ppl is different than yours.
     
    #20 machoBLKnerd, Jul 17, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2018
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  21. ControlledXaos

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    I'm only doing the side eye because he's on the apps like the majority.

    If his social circle is more white and less urban that's not his fault but how many super successful black men are there per capita on the apps?

    So it may do him better to invest in a professional match making service or expand his social network to get in the circle of the elite black gay males of town.

    He's clearly trying to hit every tick on his check list which is fine but he's self limiting his dating pool if they have to be black and make ~58k a month.
     
  22. SB3

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    NO ONE cares that he wants to date within his tax bracket, but trying to pretend like it's not 100% wack to lead w so much pretense on a first date is bs. So much for you feeling a sense of being 'in control'. Are you sure you're not just enamored with some idea of being 'allowed to be in the presence' of someone w so much money? @Lancer

    And yes @Omega Level . WHY tf are you shopping for friends on our 'date'?
     
  23. Winston Smith

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    I agree, there are apps, services, and sites—-including good old fashioned “Fiddler on the Roof” type matchmakers for personal hire—-for people of high income, IQ, academic, or social status (I’ve seen tv commercials for them). So, he might try one of those.

    That being said, I agree with @Lancer in not judging dude too harshly. We all move in different circles of life, and at least he knows what he wants, which is more than fair to anyone he considers; they won’t have to endure a lot of guessing games as to his wants/intentions.
     
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  24. Nick Delmacy

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    Yeah I'm not Side-Eyeing the dude for knowing what he wants, I'm side-Eyeing him for assuming what he wants is plentiful and will be found on dating apps.

    Based on the numbers that @Lancer gave us, $70,000/month would be $840,000 per year. According to every source I looked up, that would mean he wants to find a Black Gay Man who also makes TWICE as much as the minimum to be in the Top 1% of earners in the entire world.

    Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 2.42.54 PM.png

    https://money.cnn.com/calculator/pf/income-rank/index.html

    Who Are The Top 1% Income Earners?

    What Does It Take to Be in the 1%, 5%, 10%?

    On top of that, he wants to date a Black man...

    Here are the profession breakdowns for people in the Top 1% of income:

    Screen Shot 2018-07-17 at 2.52.52 PM.png

    So he has to not only meet a Black man who is in the Top 1% of income, he also has to likely work in a high position in one of those professions AND he also has to happen to be gay AND has to somehow meet AND be attracted to this guy AND be sexually compatible...he wants to find this on an app full of men with 2 roommates and in-between massage therapy jobs.

    I just find that ludicrous.

    I'm actually beginning to wonder if he just told @Lancer all of this to get out of the date. I've done this in the past where I'm not feeling a guy in person and then make up something crazy that excludes the dude on the spot so it deflects from me having to say "I'm just not that into you."

    So maybe I am side-eyeing this dude...based on how he described his ex-boyfriend, sounds like in the past he was open to getting a "boy toy" who lives in the gym...he may need to just keep doing that.
     
  25. Mrmack8913

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    I agree with all of this! For the longest I assumed he said $70,000 a year not a month!!! Like he truly wants a 1 percenter off the apps that's wild lol. And the ex sounds like he wasn't so much an ex as a trophy piece he paid for. His standards are his own but they guy still sounds like a complete douche.
     
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  26. Omega Level

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    @Lancer Side Note - I would indeed be curious to see how this dude lives. Making that much money, I would assume his place is AMAZING.

    Talking about being able to afford any condo, house, mortgage when you bring in 70K A MONTH! DAMN....
     
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    Right, Might as well look for a unicorn
     
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  28. ControlledXaos

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    When I tell you that no one could tell me jack shit if I was making 70k a month..I would live like I made 70k a year. But my house and rides would be everything.
     
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  29. mojoreece

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    :thinkemoji:This makes me wonder what was ole dude really looking for?

    He just looking for something not serious; just out to have fun type etc--OK. But if he was seriously looking for a relationship with that type of income, he could afford a professional matchmaker. Or pay to join an exclusive online dating community for folk like him. I mean even if he wants f-buddies he could just hire escorts (maybe he already does :cool:lol)

    Not bashing dude for what he wants. He equally brings what he wants to the table. Maybe he's just covering all his bases, but I just question dudes use of apps. Like you said:

     
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  30. mojoreece

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    That's basically what ole dude is looking for a black gay unicorn lol. I aint hating. He just have to search more harder.
    [​IMG]
     
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  31. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    I am late to this thread. $70K a month is $840k a year. I think this could be reasonable for those who work in Finance and Investment Banking or some kind of Senior level executive. With that being said, something about this seems too good to be true and when things seem to good to be true that usually means not true at all. With that being said, people generally date within their personal and professional social circles, so if this man is searching outside of that, I would wonder why and explore motives more closely.
     
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  32. Omega Level

    Omega Level DRACARYS
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    You know what, what you state is absolutely true when I think about it further. What were his real motives and what was he actually doing?

    A person of those type of means would have to know that although it's not impossible for others to have that level of financial success, it's not common at all. Especially in the current state of America. I mean they do call it the 1% for a reason.

    Why would he even indulge in entertaining people outside of his social/professional circles or places that are known to be high net worth stomping grounds? Especially if he wants someone comparable to his means. Why waste his time?

    Its one thing if he was the type that has money but says that doesn't mean anything to him. That it's about the person. And there for, he was on apps, goes to hood clubs, etc. The type you find out later that he is hella wealthy, but he says its no big deal. (like Coming to America) That didn't sound like the case for this dude.

    Yea, something definitely seems a bit weird or fishy about his dating actions...IMO
     
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