Flirting, Texting, Cheating: What Would Be Your Final Straw When Dating?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Jul 1, 2016.

  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    [​IMG]

    In preparation for a massive upcoming project on the site, I’ve been watching tons of black gay web series. One thing is for sure, black gay men hate clear pictures and crisp audio….Okay, Okay, actually two things are for sure: Black gays can’t do quality film production and they REALLY love DRAMA.

    This doesn’t just apply to our fiction though. I’ve been to many gay gatherings where guys listen out for even the slightest instance of “Shade” so that they can scream it out, instigating the obligatory “Shade” response. It’s become so common that casual venom-laced insults have replaced normal greetings.

    Another form of Drama that has become common is the Gay Relationship kind.

    If a gay couple comes to a gay gathering or house party and I start speaking to one of the two in the process of mingling, I always get dagger eyes from the boyfriend. Nevermind that I’m just a friendly, affable, sociable guy who likes to meet new people…No, according to the boyfriend, I’m trying to “take their man!”

    [​IMG]

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    Admittedly, some guys do get outright disrespectful. Copping a feel and Gay Touching is totally out of bounds, especially if the man is at the function with his partner and has expressed his desire for you to keep your hands to yourself.

    But some guys don’t express this desire. Some committed men in relationships DO allow a little touching….they DO exchange numbers….they DO text back and forth with another guy…they DO go “hangout” with other men at sportsbars or movies….they DO allow their “homeboy” to kiss them or hug them a little too long…they DO let their “Best Friend who also happens to be their Ex” give them head from time to time…

    Once the boyfriend finds out….this usually ends in DRAMA.

    [​IMG]

    Or does it?

    Some gay men out there don’t care and view these instances as mere speed bumps.

    What would be your final straw?

    Would you end a long relationship just because you found a couple explicit text/photo messages in his phone?

    If you found out he was even just flirting with someone at a party or club, would that be enough to throw your dude out of the house?

    Would it take oral sex to tip you over the edge? Or would that be passable if it were the first offense?

    Even if you found out he had intercourse with someone else, he says it was a one-time slip up… would that be enough to close the curtains on the Gay Musical that was your long term relationship?

    [​IMG]



    Read the whole post here.
     
  2. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    All of the above! Not trying to hear ANY bs. U either ride for/with me, or u fail...
     
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  3. ColumbusGuy

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    Honestly, sex(either oral or otherwise-head is still sex) would probably do it in(if I were in a new relationship or something). But..if it is a long term relationship then you have been together a while, so I have to say probably. Never say never. There could be some really really extraodinary extenuating circumstances or something. Again you just never know..probably that would be the end of things though. Probably. The other stuff?

    -so what if someone sends him some flirty or explicit texts or pics? Doesn't mean he asked for them, and maybe he has not deleted them yet... Maybe he kept them so he could show you and you could see them too? Depends.

    -So what if he flirts-there is harmless flirting and guess what? Everyone does it to some extent...even just a little...no matter who they are. It can be minor complimenting, giving one or receiving some, just minor stuff. So what? That is human nature and it does not necessarily mean a damn thing, except that you are probably insecure with yourself or your relationship.

    -The most important things that usually break up (long term relationships) does not even regard any of this.

    -This starts dating in the title, but ends with 'your long term relationship'. It is one or the other, can't be both at the same time. I went with the latter since it ended with that. So no complaining Nick.
    :ravetho:

    *'Nevermind that I’m just a friendly, affable, sociable guy who likes to meet new people'-that is the problem-they see that too and think, 'so why is he still single'? and get suspicious in all kinds of ways.
    :foxxxy:

    *someone(@alton ) has to do a breakdown of what the guy without the shirt under the DRAMA section is saying to the other guy! lol. It looks like "GWARL!!!!." would be part of it!

    :heh:

    ...notice the age range of the guys Nick chose to use for this...interesting....lol. (just joking with ya! hehehe)
     
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  4. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    And the award for most long-winded is not even a contest! Lol
     
  5. ColumbusGuy

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    lol...ok. Cheating-possibly.
     
  6. Tyroc

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    my reasoning works different than others and I ask why would someone risk offering me a final straw.
    I don't like drama but if there's two of you in a relationship and one is causing drama with their actions, I'm choosing the option not to engage in drama and disengaging from them.

    If a dude isn't serious enough to respect reasonable relationship boundaries, then he ain't worth being with.
    I'm not checking anyone's phone or personal space but keeping and letting someone send explicit texts / photos to you is not the actions of someone serious about the relationship.

    Depends on the type and level of flirting.

    Any kind of sex is a no go for me, if he hasn't gotten it out of his system before we settled down then he needs to be free to go do so.

    If this is something that always happens then that sounds like something that you're doing or a vibe you're putting out and not being honest with yourself about.
    If every time I talk to different people and they all comment that I look disinterested, then I look within and examine what I'm doing that everyone would feel that way.
     
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  7. takeyourmeds91

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    In a new relationship, messing with other people is a complete deal-breaker. I don't have the time nor patience.

    Long-term, it's hard to say.

    This whole thread reminds me of my last serious relationship. I've really become a cynic in terms of how I view gay men...as most of us have.

    I hate that I'm trapped into such a shady construct. It really sucks knowing that a good portion of men aren't shit and this is the only thing you have to work with...

    I sometimes wonder if I'll be single forever versus having to put up with common sense bullshit.
     
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  8. SB3

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    So, my ex and I have become frielndly, again. 0 sexual interest. In my mind, we've known each other for sooo many years, why put energy into not being friendly, when we literally share the same friend circle?! So, it's ok for him to crack jokes on me, but I can't crack on how he was a shytty bf?!

    I literally own my shyt, I can laugh and/or smh at myself, but I have a huge problem w ppl who lack humility. Gtf off the stage every once in a while!
     
  9. DreG

    DreG is a Featured MemberDreG Art Heaux
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    A lot of time you can see the possible issues before they get to cheating or exchaning pics,but people ignore the signs. When someone cheats or crosses a line,it was typically brewing for a while already.You don't just slip up and cheat one day,there was a process of developing chemistry of some kind with the outside person,so you have a chance to nip it in the bud before you go too far.If you still do it ,it often means you didn't put up an effort to correct your behavior.

    With a longer relationship,sometimes cheating is the product of other issues,so I say at least try to work on them first ( including venting your hurt and anger)before calling it quits.I know I have trouble rebuilding trust with people,so I probably would end it still just because I know I might never get over it,which might cause me to treat him unfairly,even if he never did it again.A trespass of that level would be too much for me.
     
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  10. DC.

    DC.
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    I think when it comes to cheating or any of those type of shenanigans it depends on the "who", "what", "when", "where" and "why". However if a guy I'm interested in, talking to or dating asks me if I think cheating is okay or forgivable under any circumstances I always say no. Even though I think it could be, simply because I never want to put in their mind that they go make such a mistake come back and repent and it will all be gravy or have the potential to be all gravy lol. I feel in this day and age a relationship is not a requirement so yes as a man certain things should not be tolerated and you have you set boundaries at times in your relationships. To be honest when @Nick Delmacy said what if your guy is flirting with other guys at the club? To be frankly honest with you, I would even date a guy who frequents clubs that's strike one right there.

    I just feel nothing good comes from those types of places. Dont get me wrong I like to have fun and all, but if you wanna pop, lock and drop it we can do it right at home in the living room. I just feel those places are filled with nothing but drama, and I've been to many different nightclubs through the years and observed the melee that would occur at these kinds of places before I decided it's not for me. Now I won't say it's bad to go, it's just not suitable for me. And i feel when in a relationship it's not a place you should be going. Dont get me wrong there's temptation everywhere but certain places have it stronger than others. And for the explicit photos? I would ask myself as to what kind of energy is he exuding to make that come his way? I just feel in life everything that happens to you, you either attract it or entertain it. A wise woman once told me what you feed will grow and what you starve will die. So if someone sends him explicit photos, I know he sent out some type of energy for that to be sent or entertained maybe way too much flirting that he shouldnt have. I dont believe in making excuses at all in life for anything.
     
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  11. NikR

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    *sigh* why is life so complicated? I hate complicated- I get it at work, I don't need it at home.

    I'm gonna date and eventually marry someone who shares my values, and who isn't interested in dipping a finger or whole damn body into the "just checking" pool. Take that for what it is.

    So, the final straw? Man, it depends on the situation and what's been going on. If you treat me the way you really wanna be treated- and we probably won't find out what that straw is.
     
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  12. Winston Smith

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    The biggest thing is to first know what you want out of life, and forthrightly and explicitly state it to the potential guy. That way, everything is known up front. You can't get mad about "cheating" if you never exactly state what constitutes cheating to you. So, if you expect an exclusive relationship with no extracurricular texts, contacts, etc. let them know. If that doesn't bother you, ditto. In practice, I just check off my personal list of absolute "will not tolerate it" behavior and proceed from there (in my case, it's things like CP Time, "law enforcement issues" and treatment of others, but everyone's got their own items to check off and let them know up front). Everything else is negotiable, as I've given up trying to over-analyze and psychoanalyze potential-dude's every little tic and habit. Life is too short.
     
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  13. NikR

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    [QUOTE="Rico, post: 28045, member: 465"]The biggest thing is to first know what you want out of life, and forthrightly and explicitly state it to the potential guy. That way, everything is known up front. You can't get mad about "cheating" if you never exactly state what constitutes cheating to you. So, if you expect an exclusive relationship with no extracurricular texts, contacts, etc. let them know. If that doesn't bother you, ditto. In practice, I just check off my personal list of absolute "will not tolerate it" behavior and proceed from there (in my case, it's things like CP Time, "law enforcement issues" and treatment of others, but everyone's got their own items to check off and let them know up front). Everything else is negotiable, as I've given up trying to over-analyze and psychoanalyze potential-dude's every little tic and habit. Life is too short.[/QUOTE]

    Boom. Nailed the hell outta this!

    Seriously-what else is there to say? Communicate mofos!!! "I'm looking for x...are you interested in x?" "I really care about you...do you feel the same way?" "I don't think i can do y...can we talk about it?" This type of communication is scary- it can make you vulnerable but it frees you.

    Thank you @Rico ! You saying this is so validating.
     
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  14. alton

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    "If this is something that always happens then that sounds like something that you're doing or a vibe you're putting out and not being honest with yourself about...."

    [​IMG]
     
  15. Discordant

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    I'm with you. I look at any situation in a relationship under that lense, but I haven't found a combination of the "5W's and H" yet that would allow me to excuse cheating. And with the trust broken, I don't see how I could get over it. Pictures, texts, IMs... If I'm aware of it, I'm going to call the behavior out and the reaction I get from that "request" will influence how the rest of the relationship goes. I don't do drama in my relationships, be they friendly or romantic.
     
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