Help... I made a connection with a man, But!

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by @yahoo.com, Dec 10, 2015.

  1. @yahoo.com

    @yahoo.com When the lights get low, I Burn Brighter.
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    tumblr_nuze3kkWgy1qdcqnoo1_400 (1).jpg

    A few weeks ago I attended an event that my primary purpose for attending was to get a free meal, some drinks and chew the fat with some of my boys. To my surprise, I struck up a conversation with someone obscure, and only did so because my friend said - that is such and such's friend, in a way that validated that he was a good guy. HE is cute. Fast forward a few weeks, and we have been talking on the phone, multiple times daily for almost 3 weeks. Intellectually, spiritually, and conversationally he is the man of my dreams. Some real soul mate shit. On the other hand, here are his flaws.

    - Whack sex (head game weak, kissing game weak)
    - bad body (soft like a marshmallow and hips like my fourth grade art teacher. This nikka jiggles like he never did a push up in his life)
    - not confident in himself or his abilities
    - he is cynical towards blacks peoples plights and conditions. He hates them. (he is black himself and from the hood... like the hood, hood)
    - he does not take care of himself (grooming or clothing... he looks like he gets his clothes from the thrift store... hygiene is not an issue)

    But... I swear, I cannot go to sleep without talking to him, talking about my day, understanding his day and him making me laugh. This morning we got off the phone at 4:00 AM. If i did not know better, I would say I am addicted to his conversation and the bond that we have, but I cannot get over the things listed above. I may even say I am in serious like with the man. Guys - I would like something more with him, but I cannot get over the things listed above. What should I do?
     
  2. acessential

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    First of all, is this his picture? Is he aware that you're posting it online? If not, that's messed up and possibly illegal in some states.
     
  3. @yahoo.com

    @yahoo.com When the lights get low, I Burn Brighter.
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    No. it is not his picture. it is just for illustrative purposes. and just an FYI, it is only illegal when the person is fully identifiable with references to that person made in an effort to shame, harm or inflict emotional distress.
     
    #3 @yahoo.com, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
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  4. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Not to sound like all simplistic but all these can be easy fixes.

    -Whack sex (head game weak, kissing game weak). Talk with him about what you don't like and get to practicing. Maybe he hasn't had that much experience or maybe he has and others did not tell him his head game is wack? You may discover he may not like certain things you do either and you both can work on them together.

    -Bad body (soft like a marshmallow and hips like my fourth grade art teacher. This nikka jiggles like he never did a push up in his life). How is your body? I'm sure most if not the majority of black men can benefit from a gym membership. Again this can be discussed and maybe the both of you can come up with a meal / fitness plan together. You don't have to work out together but just issue a fitness challenge that both of you will follow.

    -Not confident in himself or his abilities. That's because ni@@as saying his head game it weak. Naw but for real, maybe start suggesting counseling. Does he have medical benefits? I just feel as a man and as a black man, you should be attempting to build the next man up.

    -He is cynical towards blacks peoples plights and conditions. He hates them. (he is black himself and from the hood... like the hood, hood. See above. People can change however his sentiments come from somewhere.

    -He does not take care of himself (grooming or clothing... he looks like he gets his clothes from the thrift store... hygiene is not an issue) So does Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg...AND? On the real suggest going with him to pick out new clothes at a budget friendly spot like a Marshalls or TJ Maxx then hit up the clearance rack at Macys.

    Sounds like everything is fine and you need to step your communication game up.
    :foxxxy:
     
  5. DreG

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    These issues seem like the foundation for the others.Working on them might lead to improving the others.
     
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  6. DreG

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    You beat me to that.This creates accountability and makes him feel more supported.
     
    #6 DreG, Dec 10, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2015
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  7. LeMignon

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    Big Brother Octavius to the rescue! I'm very impressed with these suggestions! And tbh, it sounds like you've found someone really special. I hope the problems you've specified in him can be fixed or reconciled. Besides that, it seems like y'all are really hitting it off.
     
  8. GaTekno84

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    First, I completely disagree with Octavius. If you're not attracted to him don't block somebody else who may be. People don't change. I was in this situation with a dude for over 6 years till i came to that realization. You have to be able to accept him for who he is today.

    Second, What if he ever reads this post? This shallow post will break that man.
     
  9. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Sounds like you are more attracted to the man for friendship or companionship than for romance. It happens. That's what the Friend Zone was created for...

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  10. grownman

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    "First, I completely disagree with Octavius. If you're not attracted to him don't block somebody else who may be. People don't change. I was in this situation with a dude for over 6 years till i came to that realization. You have to be able to accept him for who he is today.

    Second, What if he ever reads this post? This shallow post will break that man."


    I so agree with you.

    I was just going to ignore this thread- but I thought about my former relationship.

    My ex had issues with his weight as well. I, like you loved the convos, hanging out, he's handsome and we were/are music lovers. I thought that I was in love with him. We moved into together about 2 months after meeting. I was staying with my mom and that was a way out for me. Dude, let me tell you-not even a couple of weeks after moving in. I was already ready to go. He was nervous about having sex because he had issues with his body even after losing weight. I never cheated on him but my mind was checked out. I was secretly getting on porn sites because I became physically unattracted to him. I wasn't willing to be patient and we both help each other.
    It was a mess and I was a complete asshole during those 5 years. Can you imagine being with someone that long who really is not interested in you-not as a lover? I should have just remained friends and never allowed things to go further.

    I just went on that tangent to say if you're not really into him than put a end to that. Don't fuck with the man's feelings. Like Whitney said in the remake of Sparkle "let my life be a cautionary tale." He is my "ex" for a reason.
     
    #10 grownman, Dec 11, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2015
  11. SB3

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    Thanks u! I was ready to post 'obvs friend' n was wondering why i had to scroll so far down b4 that was presented.
     
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  12. cypher21

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    I wasn't going to say anything else but after reading other posts I have to speak my mind. First, I believe or a least like to believe that Yes people can change, but they have to want to change. You can't make them want that or expect after a certain amount of time and effort on your part that it will just happen. What you need to do (most important part here) is look inward and ask yourself if you have time, if you can be patient with this guy and his flaws because these issues you can get over will not go away overnight, and you didn't need me to tell you that. I see alot of myself in the guy you describe...low esteem especially and its something that takes effort to reverse and the right people to help reverse it, be aware of this, accept all of who he is now and don't be constantly waiting on some future improvement that will make things better for you, it might not come. Being realistic. A love declared for days to come...is as good as none.

    If you can just focus on the good things you mentioned and feel certain that the bad is not a deal breaker then that's what I would suggest. If not then do both you a favor and end it quickly. I think that its great that you still are interested in him despite his flaws though, but be careful not to confuse "like" or love for loneliness. Communication is key too, If I had someone being gentle, but upfront about how they felt about me it would be refreshing honestly. When you have low self esteem, you become paranoid about everything about you and I'm sure it drives him nuts wondering if you're satisfied with him or not. Encourage him, like him for who he is, and again patience....and make sure you look out potential as well see if he has a desire to be greater!

    I know a wrote a novel but I truly think this will help. Best Wishes @@yahoo.com
     
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  13. Jdudre

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    I agree with what everybody basically said; you can try to change him or help him change, but it has to come from him. If he does not want to do it for himself then he will end up resenting you for making him.
    The only thing you have to do is decide, is he worth the time and effort that it is going to require of the two of you.
     
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  14. tigerbreaux

    tigerbreaux Polymath In-training
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    I agree with both @ockydub and @Nick Delmacy. If you really care about him as much as you say you do (in a more than friendship manner), then all of that can be worked on, it's all in your approach. Don't come at him like a parent or try to scold or shame him, offer to do things with him and make subtle soft suggestions. If that doesn't work, then become more forthright.

    To Nick's point, if you think you're just attracted to the similarities and not the man, then friend-zone it is. Y'all could end up being best friends (cause what gay man hasn't messed with a friend of his lol).

    If it were me, I'd go with the friend zone. I'm not a teacher and I don't like to help "fix" people. If you're of a certain age (late 20's) and don't have a deep sense of self, I can't help you with that, and not be in a relationship with you at least. Maybe he can figure all this out and y'all can reconvene in that manner another time, but I'd definitely start dating other people.
     
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  15. Dr. Strange

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    I understand his enthusiasm even with all of the complaints. It's hard to find people to connect with in general. When you finally do, one may begin to think about all the possibilities, but then become sadly disappointed by the reality. Like how the connection is on point but everything else is kind of waning.

    So, I guess all I would say is try your best to keep things in perspective. While he may be a good man, he may not be the man for you.
     
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  16. Dante

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    Plain and simple, if you want to be with him (not on a booty call/hook-up or fuck buddy status), identify the flaws you can work around/work with. Leaving his drawers on the floor all the time is an example of a flaw. It doesn't mean he's dirty, he's just a clutter bug. Once you get comfortable being with him for a long time, then you can find ways to help a brother out. @ockydub gave great suggestions!

    But you must confirm if he gets the Possible Boyfriend hat or Just a Friend hat before you move forward. The things you mentioned about him shouldn't be analyzed for you to try to somehow fix and help, if being with him isn't going to be long-term thing as far as a relationship. Regarding a possible friendship, if that is on the table, it's up to you to either take it or leave it. If any of those things are a dealbreaker for a friendship, it is what it is.

    FYI: If he does get the Possible Boyfriend hat, you MUST help him with his oral skills. That's a requirement!!! #OralSexMatters
     
    #16 Dante, Dec 11, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2015
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  17. acessential

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    Everyone else pretty much already said it, but whack sex can be fixed. Nobody is born a sex god. How are you supposed to be good at it if you never tried? Plus everyone's different. You just have to communicate your wants and needs. Dude can also go to the gym if you don't find his body attractive. Although if you're forcing him to go to the gym, that's not good either.

    The only issue that's more difficult to overcome is the lack of confidence. That doesn't come from an outside source. That comes from within. And honestly, it's draining being with someone who lacks confidence. They'll be insecure and breed an unhealthy relationship. Similar to what @grownman said, I used to talk to a dude who had very low self esteem. And he was handsome too, I didn't get it. Obviously I was with him for a reason. Even if I would give him a compliment he would make it all awkward and talk about how untrue it was. Even when we had sex, he was afraid to be naked in front of me. Like, dude really? It's so draining dealing with a dude like that.

    Anyway, this dude needs to fix that on his own before coming to you.
     
  18. SB3

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    Come on @ockydub vanzant!!! As someone whos also been in a looong relationship, I def learned to pick n choose my battles, yet I still know my lack of patience, esp for not getting to the point. It would hinder me from automatically friend zoning this guy. But I think this is sound advice, and considering the fact that @@yahoo.com says hes really digging the dude, I think this really needed to be said. See, it takes a village...lol
     
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  19. @yahoo.com

    @yahoo.com When the lights get low, I Burn Brighter.
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    Cypher Avenue -

    Thank you all for your help with this matter. Your feedback was well thought out and I feel came from a place of sincerity based on experience, trail and error and in some cases emotions. And that too is okay. After careful though and consideration, and based on some of your great feedback, I think the lane this dude belongs in is the friend zone. There is no other way to put it... all of the bonuses he brings to to the table, does not add up to just how I feel and what I want in someone I am going to date. Hopefully he can deal with my decision and be okay with is placement in my life. Thank you all again!

    Special shout out to: @ockydub / @DreG / @GaTekno84 / @Nick Delmacy / @grownman / @SB3 / @cypher21 / @Jdudre / @tigerbreaux / @Dante / @Dr. Strange / @acessential
     
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  20. ControlledXaos

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    I'm just in this thread reading....

    For now, I have nothing to say on this matter.

    :mynicca:

    I can hardly believe it myself.
     
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