How Can You Trust Him When He Can Be So Controlling?!

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Nigerian Prince, Jun 24, 2016.

  1. Nigerian Prince

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    It is crazy... working with therapists and horses made me have an "AHA MOMENT" this morning. I understand now how much control and trust are like two sides of a see-saw. Whether it is trusting myself, trusting others, and trusting the process and the way life unfolds. So powerful.

    I have asked soooo many people from this site questions upon questions about relationships, love, sex, dating, being gay, etc. I have learned a lot from them which is good but I have been trying to control so many variables in those aspects of life.

    As far as life, I am overall satisfied but I see how trying to control everything has gotten me into so much sh*t. I learned so much the hard way by trying to control the outcome of things. In the past, I focused so much on reaching a destination and not walking my own path on this journey.

    As far as work, I have learned how to be a better team player and not try to just do things the way I want them done and to be open to different ways of doing things. As the saying goes, there are several ways to skin a cat.

    Now... as far as love.... I have NEVER been in love yet. That's fine because I've accepted this path. My journey is my own. I do believe a lot does have to do with me. I always tried to navigate making friends with my fellow gay brothers like a biochemistry assignment or like a calculus word problem. I would put so much thought into it. I would never live in the moment. I never allowed myself to just feel. I would find guys attractive but it was always something. I would try and either try to control how I went about things for a favorable outcome OR I would not pursue it because I would not trust myself. I was afraid that negative things would arise from pursuing a relationship when I felt like other areas of my life were not at 100% like I wanted them to be. I always wanted to feel like I was "ready" so to speak. But the truth is... are we ever really ready for a relationship? Most people I talk to always tell me about how when they were looking for love that it failed BUT when they allowed love to find them so to speak, they had favorable outcomes.

    Random vent I guess but please feel free to chime in.
     
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  2. ColumbusGuy

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    "Most people I talk to always tell me about how when they were looking for love that it failed BUT when they allowed love to find them so to speak, they had favorable outcomes."

    Truth to this in my experiences. Live your life, and things will happen. Also, sometimes things are not going to work out(in all kinds of parts of life), and yeah, you will get your heartbroken-it is just part of life. Accept it and don't be afraid of it-you will grow from it.

    Besides general guidelines for life/things you want to achieve, life is very much NOT like an equation-there is always some unknown variable coming in to mess up the best laid plans. Be flexible and follow your plans but be open to new things as well. The 'being open' thing is really important. JMHO, flaws and all.

    *look at what you have done so far...you came out to your parents(must have been very hard), are in school progressing nicely towards your career, are making friends and experiencing life. Keep doing what you have been doing. You seem to be making pretty good decisions and seem to have been getting good advice from people.
     
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  3. Winston Smith

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    @ColumbusGuy summed it up very nicely. You have to remember you're still in your 20s. If your life were a cross country airline flight you'd be the part that's still slightly bumpy, climbing higher and reaching cruising altitude. That'll be your 30s onward. It's actually good you got all your advanced training out of the way BEFORE a serious relationship. You'll have all this other drama behind you. I'm a bit cerebral too, but when that great relationship comes, believe me, you'll be surprised how much "comes naturally" without thought and how much you will enjoy it, imperfect warts and all (and as a doctor, you can do something about warts lol).

    And this is where I have to seriously fist bump you as a young brother in medicine. From what I've seen on CA, you have a great, positive attitude and awareness. That is going to be invaluable to your future partner and patients. Volumes have been written about "bedside manner" and its effect on the wellbeing of patients, particularly underserved groups. I think it's great that society can look forward to decades of intelligent and empathetic care from the next generation of practitioners like you and @NikR. Just remember to, from time to time, look in the mirror like James Brown and jump back and kiss yourself. You're going to make a lot of clients a great doctor and some lucky like-minded young guy a great partner.
     
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  4. Nigerian Prince

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    Seriously grateful for all that you said here. Thank you for this. But yes I am doing my best and I am growing so much. I am a work in progress.
     
  5. Nigerian Prince

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    Thank you very much for your input @Rico I am grateful. Yeah I am 26 and I know that I have to accept my process. I am working hard but also understanding that I have to relinquish control more. I have to focus on not controlling the outcome in my life. I have to 'Let It Flow' as one married black gay man told me while at my mentor's/friend's house with his husband and other friends for dinner.

    I am not training to be a doctor but I will become an anesthesiologist assistant. @NikR & @questforknowledge & @Pathology18 already are and/or will be full-fledged medical doctors though lol. They're all pretty awesome through the convos we've had :)

    Again, thank you for your words. I do try to keep a positive attitude everyday because if there is anything I can be in control of in life, it is my EMOTIONS. That is the most important. I hope to become an amazing clinician, entrepreneur/business leader/manager, and also be a MUCH better man by next year when I graduate. I hope to be an amazing brother, friend, mentor (especially to the black gay men coming behind me), father (possibly?), and last but not least an amazing boyfriend and maybe even husband in the future. :)
     
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  6. Winston Smith

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    You're quite welcome, and even as an anesthesiologist I STILL have great respect. As a layman, I know your importance, as I've got friends in medicine who've explained your role in procedures that I other folks have had; its a powerful training, understanding, and skill to be able to safely "put someone under" and then bring them back to post-op consciousness.

    This is where I also do the PSA and tell you to vote and encourage your peers to do same. Your generation is now the largest voting population block (I believe 90 million strong), but it means nothing if younger people don't show up. And as medical professionals, you know we can't allow the GOP to return us to pre-Obama medicine
    [​IMG]
     
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