How frequent are your phone conversations while dating?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by RolandG, Aug 7, 2018.

  1. RolandG

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    It's no secret that i've gotten old and impatient with dating at the ripe ole age of 38. Hell, I even expect dudes to respond to my texts while they're on vacation, at work, and in the hospital recovering from major surgery. I'm joking about that last one but barely. I'm a talker. Plain and simple. I work full-time, meet friends for daily runs, tennis, go out for a drink etc, but i'm always available when the guy i'm dating calls me out of the blue. The problem is they rarely pick up the phone and call out of the blue. Even when they text and say "imma call you in a few," I end up staring at the phone practically all day waiting for it to ring.

    [​IMG]

    Of course, my friends all have varying opinions on why I seem to be the rare jewel of a man who likes to talk on the phone to get to know someone. I would say that I haven't met one dude, in my entire adult dating life, that is interested in speaking by phone more than twice a week. Well there was this one dude, years ago, who FaceTimed me almost everyday around the same time just to say hello and see how my day went and I made myself available around 90% of the time. Unfortunately, he was in another state. SMH

    The weird thing is, I have three brothers and several male cousins and straight homies who talk to the girls they're dating/talking to/vibing almost daily. I remember my two older brothers on the phone with their girlfriends constantly at night, walking around in the dark on the phone grinning from ear to ear. Not sure if the female changes the dynamic in heterosexual dating. Perhaps straight men are more willing to give time to a female than a gay male is willing to give his time to another gay male. Maybe there is a machismo factor with two men so that neither wants to be seen as being "needy" by calling too frequently so both pretend to always be hanging with friends or out doing fun things that makes them seem fabulous.

    In a prior podcast, I remember @OckyDub saying how he experienced this in the beginning of his relationship when his partner was busy working and Ocky had to find other things to do to occupy his time. This may have been an issue with physical time and not phone time. I get people work and have friends outside of dating, but if you put yourself out there with the intention to date, shouldn't you make yourself available to talk to a dude by phone more than once a week if he's trying to get to know you?

    Now that i'm off my soapbox, the questions I pose to the CA squad are

    1. How frequently do you talk, by phone, to the person you're dating? Give me an average
    2. Should the frequency change depending on if you've been dating one week, two weeks, three...?
    3. How much phone conversation is too much from a dude, i.e. if he's calling everyday, is that too much? Even if it's quick 5 minute conversations.
     
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  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    IDK...according to a past female co-worker, her sons didn't talk to girls on the phone they were interested in...only text.
    Right; we did have conflicts due to work schedules which was a slight problem but we were both still eager to talk with each other.

    IMO its not you its them, current culture and society. Outside of your personal testimony here, this shit is still mind boggling to me.

    Text is one form of communication and doesn't replace verbal communication and conversation. If you're that dude that doesn't communicate using your vocal cords, you should not be dating anyone.
     
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  3. Mrmack8913

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    Its definitely generational and part of the current dating climate. I'm 29 and can admit I despise talking to guys over the phone. I'd much rather text or speak in person. That's not to say I dont like a good conversation, far from it. But I've noticed that men, especially black men are terrible conversationalists on the phone. There is sooo much dead air because they dont want to lead the convo. Now in person things are different. Hell me and my bestfriend of 10 years will text, FB message, and have live convos all day. But the moment we on the phone it's so awkward lol.

    I do agree it's also gender specific. Women by nature are more apt to verbalize. And as such a man is more receptive to phone convos with them since we're socialized that way. I can't talk to my bestfriend more than 10 minutes on the phone but wit my homegirls it could be hours long conversations.
     
  4. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    In my early days of dating men I used to find the “no, you hang up first” types where would we be on the phone until 2-3am some nights (often ending with phone bone sessions). That shit spoiled me.

    Ever since about 2013-14 though, social media and apps started getting more pervasive and the art of good conversation amongst Black gay men hit a sharp decline.

    Now men never answer their phones if you call and claim to prefer texting, but when you hit them up they take hours to respond with simple "every letter costs 15¢ each" telegraph length messages:

    telegrampaper.jpg
     
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  5. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    :ufdup:
     
  6. acessential

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    I hate talking on the phone. It's weird staring off into the distance, face to nothing. But I will make time for someone that I'm interested in. Actually technology has helped a lot with that. I find Skype and Facetime less awkward because you can see the person. Before me and my partner moved in together and when we didn't have a chance to see each other, we would Skype or FaceTime most days in the evening. We would talk normally, but sometimes we would just put the phone or computer down and go about our evening. Surf the net. Watch TV. Even exercise. We could still see each other and make comments if one of us was surfing the net and saw something funny. Or if we just wanted to point out something. It was like hanging out even if we weren't physically together. When you're with someone in person, you're not constantly talking. It's about the company. Tech has made that possible virtually. Basically, folks will find a way if they really want.
     
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  7. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    No shade but I feel like this is a millennial and post-millennial thing. The need for constant visual stimulation. We see it with them constantly scrolling in their phones, constantly needing more pics when they already met the dude on an app full of pics, constantly needing more screens to look at even when they are already looking at a TV or Movie screen (ie: texting in theaters, watching live concerts on their camera phones instead of the stage, etc.)

    Fellas in my generation can have attention deficit as well but its def not as extreme. I have at least 6 friends, straight and gay, who will shoot the shit with me on the phone for literally hours. When we talk without Facetiming or Skype, I can do chores while we're on the phone or even run errands. I've gone to the grocery store, filled my tank up and cooked a whole meal while on the phone w dudes I was dating in the past.

    Hell, I remember a time when I was home from college we had the one cordless house phone I had to take to my bedroom to talk in private...all while carefully listening to the 'click' it would make if someone picked up another house phone and was listening in... I would dim the lights and kick all kinds of wack game. All I needed was his voice and a good conversation. Didn't need a pic or to see each other awkwardly staring into the phone screen instead of directly into the camera lens.
     
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  8. OckyDub

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    This is basically 95% of the time we talk on the phone. Plenty of times I find myself saying, "If I call Nick at ____ time, the convo may go for 2-3 hours, so do I have time for a 3 hour convo at this time." Due to the conversation being so open and free flowing.
     
  9. acessential

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    It could be. But I was like this even when I was a little bit younger and before text messaging, social media, and all that became ubiquitous. I remember being in middle school and having to write down what I was going to say whenever I had to make a phone call. I just didn't like awkward silences and not knowing how to guage someone's response without being able to see their face. It's not really an issue anymore and I'm not solely reliant on Skype to make calls, but I don't rush to make a regular call all the time either.
     
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  10. takeyourmeds91

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    I would rather talk on the phone - I can spend at least an hour on the phone with my close friends so if it's bae, I could easily last longer
     
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  11. RolandG

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    Right and when you return the favor and wait 48 hours to respond to their texts, all of a sudden you're the one acting funny and being immature. These are the same dudes you meet who complain about guys only sending one or two messages a day and not wanting to meet up.
     
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  12. mojoreece

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    :nopekid:See this is one of the reasons why I prefer to text message. I don't like when Im the phone with ppl and their doing other things. Or if i'm talking to them I can hear a bunch of outside noise in the background. I prefer people to talk w/ me when I have their undivided attention or just call me back. Or just text me when ur free.

    That's an issue for me too. If i feel like we have nothing to talk about or cant think of anything to say then we should be text messaging instead haa lol.

    Ok what can i say Im a millennial lol:D:yeshrug:
     
  13. Essenceworldwide

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    Maybe because I'm younger...but I rather text, I like to multitask, and I'm always working on multiple things, and talking on the phone requires a lot of concentration on one thing. Not to mention I need a lot mental stimulation and most peoples convos skills are the equivalent to watching paint dry. I rather meet face to face if I wanna get to know someone
     
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  14. Lancer

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    If I was dating someone I would want us to talk on the phone at least 3 times a week. It does not have to be long conversations, it could be in a reply to a text. I do that sometimes to hear their voice, they text and then I call and say I am too lazy to type.
    I do believe as the date progresses the frequency should increase, because the comfortability level with that person is also increasing.
    I do not think there is such a thing as too much phone conversation. I think it is directly proportional to your level of attraction to said dude. eg If Mike Colter and I were dating(I dare to dream lol), and he called me everyday even if its a 3 min convo. I would see it as 'oh he is so sweet' and 'he is a consistent man and knows what he wants' cos my level of attraction to him is very high. However, let it be someone like Micheal B Jordan because I find him less attractive than Mike, I will see him as needy, clingy, and thirsty.
    As said in a previous comment,and I wholeheartedly believe it, 'Folks will find a way if they really want to'.
     
    #14 Lancer, Aug 10, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018
  15. Lancer

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    After answering the questions, I do feel talking on the phone is a dying art. I can be texting with a dude, that I have met before, and I call to reply to his text he will cut the call and then text 'just reply by text'.
    In my dating life I try to use ALL available methods to get them talking. Be it whatsapp voice or video call, Skype, voice record reply. I have noticed that since I want to talk or hear their voice, it does not work. They either do not answer the video or call, and just later reply by txt msg. With my straight friends its the complete opposite.
     
  16. Nick Delmacy

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    I forgot to answer the questions:

    1. In the past, it was probably 3-4 times per week depending on how often we actually met up in person for dates or going to each other’s homes at night after work.

    2. I think it varies. If we’re in week three and we see each other a lot, the calls every day aren’t necessary.

    3. Depending on how much I like him and how good he is at conversation, I could do every day. Like talking to each other while on the drive home from work, I’m cool with that. But sometimes I can be clingy and needy so I may be an outlier.

    ALSO: TEXTING IS NOT THE SAME AS TALKING ON THE PHONE!!!

    If I tell a dude, “we haven’t talked to each other in a long time” and he responds with “yes we have, we were just texting each other yesterday,” THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING!
     
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