Best Posts in Thread: HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION LIKE A GENTLEMAN

  1. Lancer

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    As toddlers, we usually respond to the word “no” by crying and stamping our feet, hoping our teary tantrums will get us a “yes”. Sadly, it’s generally frowned upon for grown men to throw themselves on the floor of the pub when a girl or a guy won’t give you their number, and your boss definitely isn’t going to respond very well to a dirty protest when you’re told you didn’t secure that pay rise.

    Being rebuffed can be hard to take, especially in a society where men have traditionally believed they’re in charge and the world has been theirs for the taking. “If at first, you don’t succeed, try and try again,” we’re told. “Be a man; don’t take no for an answer,” they say. This outlook can work well when applied to training for a marathon or arguing with your bank manager, but most of the time rejection is a bitter pill we must all swallow.

    Accept you can’t make someone go out with you
    In a bar and they say they’re not interested? Smile, wish them a nice evening, and back the hell off immediately. If you’re on adating app and don’t get a response, don’t message them more than twice. If they say you’re not their type or don’t want to talk to you, reply “No worries”. If they reject your offer of a date, reply “No worries”. No other course of action is acceptable. You’re not going to get laid anyway – no point becoming a viral hit on social media when the object of your affection screenshots all your insults, pathetic chat-up lines or thinly veiled sociopathic attempts at breeziness and tweets them to the world. You may as well take holy orders then; nobody's going to want to f*** you.

    Handle a knock back on a date like a pro
    One of the most common misunderstandings on a date, especially the first few, is that it can only be considered a success if there is at least a kiss at the end of it. We talk of chemistry and spark like it were something out of a fairy-tale. But you are not Prince Charming and Snow White does not need waking from her slumber. If a date went well, but they don’t want to kiss you, this may only be a temporary rejection. It doesn’t mean no for ever, it merely means it’s a no until they say otherwise. But don’t force it.


    You may get offended – how dare they reject the thunderous passion of your embrace? You’re making it all about how you feel. If they back away when you go in for a kiss, there could be a variety of reasons: perhaps the date hadn’t gone as well as you thought; maybe they simply don’t believe in snogging on the first night; maybe they felt it was a "special" night and didn’t want to spoil it; perhaps they’ve realised they have bad breath and didn’t want to put you off; or, just maybe, they’re not in the mood tonight.

    Either way, reacting like a whiny baby demanding ten more minutes on the teat is not, under any circumstances, going to reverse this decision. Ever. If they turn their face away, or say they don’t kiss on the first date, retreat with grace, say it isn’t a problem. Because it really shouldn’t be. Oh, and there’s nothing wrong with asking permission to kiss someone, by the way. It might sound overly romantic or old-fashioned, but it can be quite hot, in the moment, and at least you’ll know where you are.

    Get dumped with dignity
    Broken hearts do the stupidest things. In your darkest hours, sitting and wondering why your better half has broken it off, your dumb, shattered, impetuous heart will tell your head not to accept it. If you change, they’ll reconsider, it tells you. They can’t possibly mean that they never want to see you again, you think, they’re just angry and they’ll surely settle down. If I keep on at them, they’ll realise what a big mistake they’ve made. Wrong. You owe it to yourself, and your ex, not to be this guy. Nobody wants to be with this guy. You think bombarding your ex with texts and calls will force them to reconsider, or at least hear you out, but at best it will make them feel sorry for you – not a great basis for a reunion – or at worst you’ll start to scare them. You will, in fact, 99 times out of 100, convince them they’ve made the right decision in letting you go.

    If someone says they never want to see you again, don’t take it as a game: stay the hell out of their face. Haunting their social media and liking posts or leaving comments “just to remind you I’m still here” isn’t sweet, it’s creepy. You run the risk of turning an ex who still cared for you but wanted to move on into an enemy who’s frightened of you and wishes they’d never met you. Mute them, or block, on social media, but do it without comment. Talk out your problems with your friends; stick to hanging around people who do want to be with you. Definitely ask yourself what went wrong and think about how maybe you could stop this happening in a future relationship, but find something new to focus on – don’t think any epiphany is going to automatically lead to a reconciliation. Learn from what went wrong, but don’t let it destroy you – but accept that it’s too late for that relationship now. Get counselling if you’re really struggling to get over it, and accept that any reconciliation secured through badgering would be a hollow victory; you’d never know if your ex really wanted to be there. Live your best life, but take it forward, in a different direction from your ex. It’s the only way.

    Don’t get bitter about your career
    Getting bitter, and thinking about revenge or payback, is only going to prolong your agony. Take that work colleague, for example, there’s always one, isn’t there? Let’s call him Gavin. That guy who the bosses love, who gets all the credit, the big promotions, who doesn’t seem to do anything, while you work steadily away, acing everything you do but for little recognition. Sitting at your desk seething and driving yourself mad isn’t going to get you anywhere – you’ll still be sitting there, just as you were, trying not to get soup on your tie. Bitching Gavin out to colleagues would be a waste of time too, as it would very likely only change people’s perceptions of you, not him. The trouble with facing down rejection in your career is that you have to be professional at all times, smiling at your colleagues but screaming internally as you glide down corridors on autopilot.

    Obviously what you really want to do is go to Gavin’s office and set fire to his desk tidy, but what you must do is shake his hand, congratulate him. Instead of bitterness, choose determination to be better, to live better. Think about why he’s the one who gets all the good stuff. Is it a cultural thing at your company? Do they love creeps or guys who go to all the after-work socials? Is this someone you think you can be, or even want to be, and can you change? Use Gavin’s inexplicable, undeserved success to ask yourself whether you’re on the right path. If bad guys get all the breaks, do you want to work for these people? Or – and sometimes it does have to be this, sorry – are you portraying the right image to your colleagues? If you’re definitely being the very best you can be, and are being honest with yourself, then maybe you’re not the problem.

    Don’t write yourself off as a loser
    Rejection stings so hard because it feels personal, but this is a pretty shortsighted way of looking at it. Sometimes to really isn’t about you at all. Anything you do involving more than person will always have an element you can’t control. There are so many variables keeping you from the things you really want. Applying for jobs, for example, is a minefield, with feedback from interviews usually ending up spectacularly unhelpful – “You were great but we preferred another candidate”. No shit. Remember that the next guy might have had slightly more experience, or been cheaper to hire, may have been mates with the manager’s sibling or told a really hilarious joke about Boris Johnson – it’s out of your hands. If you get a no from a job and they don’t offer feedback straightaway, don’t pester them. They’ll only resort to making something up, and hectoring them might make them less disposed to thinking of you for further opportunities. Usually, if you’re really honest with yourself, you can see why you weren't picked. And if you can’t, accept it’s beyond your control and just keep trying elsewhere.

    Use rejection as a sign you may need to change
    We should, however, learn from every no, because it’s a word we’re probably going to hear a lot more of. We’re encountering increasing competition in our careers and, thanks to dating apps, in our love lives. It’s never been so easy to reject someone, so we need to learn how useful rejection can be, how it can shine a light on our behaviour. Rejection is like a warning, or an inoculation. You have to feel it, and it has to burn, so you can fine-tune any future decision you make. When you go for something again, be it a kiss, a date or a new job, you’ll remember how it felt, and it will arm you, make you stronger – because you’ll remember how it feels. Realising that a “yes” is not an automatic right, that it has to be earned and can only be awarded to you, not taken, will make it all the sweeter when it comes.

    A gentleman knows when he’s beaten, and is buoyed by the thought of his next victory. Onward, guys.
    Onward.

    How to deal with rejection like a gentleman
     
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