I'm A Black Man And I Was Raped

Discussion in 'LGBT News and Events' started by OckyDub, Sep 1, 2016.

  1. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Last year I was raped.

    And because I’m a stubborn man, I didn’t even begin to deal with it until months later.

    I was newly single and living a faux fabulous life; not necessarily ready to be physical with someone yet, but I jumped on “the app” to get a little attention and see what was out there.

    They all can't be bad, right?

    Per usual, I kept the conversation pretty surface level with most guys. Sure, I’ve used apps to consensually find late night hookups before, but I wasn’t really in that mental space emotionally yet.

    One guy in particular was really nice. Good job. Quirky. Two-point-six miles away. From his picture on my cracked, dated iPhone 5, he definitely was not my type. But I figured at least someone wanted to treat me to a free cocktail. We met at his house early evening and chatted it up for a bit. He drove us to a nearby bar where it was obvious that he and the bartender had built a rapport from the friendly head nod and suave introduction. Now, anyone who knows me personally knows that as skinny as I am, my alcohol tolerance is that of a German lumberjack. This night, it took only three small, unsupervised complimentary whiskey cranberries until I was blacked out, facedown, with my new “friend” penetrating my anus in his bed.

    I still have no idea how I got to the man's bedroom. I remember feeling suddenly dizzy at the bar. I remember leaving the bar. But getting back to the car? The drive back to the apartment? Saying goodbye to the friendly bartender? Nothing. When I came to I was able to push him and he got off of me. But I was too weak to even walk and I instantly fell back asleep. When I woke up again, I walked to my car and fell asleep for another few hours until I gained the strength to drive back home. I never saw or spoke to him again. In fact, if I walked right past him today I more than likely would not be able to recognize his face.

    At first I was totally fine. I had made the decision to put myself at risk and this is what happens to people who do that, right? Totally my fault. I decided it was best to tell someone who meant the world to me, though I still was not able to say the word “rape.” However, this trusted person used the information I disclosed to him and threw it in my face when he found the opportunity to be upset with me.

    That was the moment it unexpectedly hit me.

    My body. My naked body. The only thing I was given at birth was violated. You can take my material things, but the first gift given to me, my first gift from God… It was assaulted without my consent. The feeling was something I have never experienced before. The touch of another human being was absolutely disgusting. My usually clear and concise mind was unable to properly formulate the words to express what I was trying to internally pick apart. Why now? Was I hurt from the actual event? Were these suppressed emotions what I had been subconsciously been holding back for months and months? Was I just hurt that someone I truly cared about used something so personal against me to try and hurt my ego? I had heard rape stories, but never thought anything like that would ever happen to me; especially as a man.

    When I was able to get a grasp on my words later that evening, it all came out like months’ worth of suppressed verbal vomit. I ended up calling a guy I used to date who I trusted and who knew how to deal with me on a deeper emotional level even though we were not together. Through talking about it and having a comforting ear, I finally addressed the fact that I was indeed raped.

    I decided it was best to see a therapist. In all my years on this planet, my mind, body and soul never had a reaction like this to something. I wondered what else I was holding onto that could emerge through conversation with an unbiased professional. Completely out of my emotions this time, I told the story and they were in shock that I was able to vividly describe something with such a straight face.

    There were a couple triggers here and there. A certain pop song I specifically remember that night on the way to the bar. I was thrilled when the song that was publicly silently cutting away at me in social settings was dismissed from the radio airwaves. I used to tense up when I thought about the cruel statements from the friend who is no longer in my life.

    I thought about pressing charges. Maybe getting the bartender fired or at least doing an investigation. I had no clue if he was involved, but he probably had some answers. When I thought about it, I really didn't know the location or the name of the bar. I couldn't even remember what the bartender looked like, his name; and it had taken so long for me to come to terms with everything that I had already let the pain and everything go. I would never condemn someone who goes after their attacker, but for me it was a personal triumph. I have no information. I made a personal choice to not move forward with trying to find these people. I did not want to put energy into something like that. I made the choice to put power in my words and bring awareness to the topic.

    I wondered who else ever felt in denial about being sexually assaulted. Even as a very self-aware black man it took me months and unexpected assholism for me to personally address, acknowledge and heal from what had happened to me. The thing is, women are not the only ones who are subject to rape. Once I started doing research and reading the statistics and studies behind rape, especially the history, I wanted nothing more than to let men and women know that if this happened, you are not alone and it's okay and healthy to talk about it. Rape in men, especially heterosexual men by women is more common than you think. I’m still learning and researching.

    I brought it up on stage at a Kiss & Tell Live event in New York City. Expecting it to be an uncomfortable but well-received conversation, I could feel the air sucked out of the room full of Manhattan gays and gals. I began to notice every time I brought it up, people would clam up and instantly get uncomfortable. It soon became common that more and more of the men in my personal life came forward with similar stories. I was graciously given the opportunity this month to tell my story in a room full of people in Washington, D.C. I purposely didn't tell the story I was going to share with the facilitator prior to, but I saw I was the only man on the panel and it fit the theme of the event. Whether the audience liked it or not, they were going to hear me out.

    The talk went great. I received so many "Thank yous.” So many questions. Especially from women. It was put on Facebook Live and I've had people comment, inquire and commend me, both nationally and internationally. I learned so much and was given the opportunity to hear stories from the other amazing panelist who sat beside me. Our testimonies varied, but our willingness and desire to openly share our stories of overcoming was enough to instantly unify our energy. Our vulnerability organically drew us together.

    So, I have a message for you: You are not alone. Speak up. Speak out. Learn from others. Get the help you need to heal from this and turn your pain into power.

    If you have any questions for me, feel free to email me at info@jaycebaron.com.
    I'm A Black Man And I Was Raped
     
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  2. ColumbusGuy

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    This is similar to what happened to me, just no hookup app...but from the part at the bar....and I was able to mostly..mostly..fight it off.

    It is sad how I seem to have heard a version of this story again and again and again. At least people are speaking up so I can hear it repeated, same story with a few twists it seems each time.

    It is a very horrible and unique experience when you realize 'this is NOT the alcohol...alcohol does not do this to me and has never done this to me...and then you know and there is not much you can do about it. I still think it was mostly my fault. I did everything wrong-everything you are supposed to do-I did the opposite.

    ALL gay men are susceptible to this. The strongest man can be reduced to the level of an infant-which is why you must always be on guard in situations where you are about to put something into your body, to ingest something, food or drink-especially drink. At a bar, at a party, with someone just the two of you. I learned the hard way-which is the usual way I learn things unfortunately.

    Actually the worst part for me, the part that hurt me the most, was when I was still fairly incapacitated and I was dumped out of the car into an intersection and left there. Just dumped out into the street like a bag of trash. I begged not to be dumped out like that and to be dropped off at an actual place. But I was just dumped like garbage onto the pavement and left there.

    And I talked to people and nobody ever saw the guy before or after. Probably from another city.


    I would not be surprised given how society is, that it would be much more difficult for a black man, gay or straight, to reveal this kind of thing. What with that toxic hyper-masculinity and all being worse in the black community.
     
    #2 ColumbusGuy, Sep 1, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2016
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  3. Winston Smith

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    Thanks for posting. I think, barring the drugging or gang vs single dude scenario, I think some of it might be a function of size and opportunity too. I guess being big and tall I Never had to worry about a situation like this, unless some dude the size of Shaq goes roque.
     
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  4. ColumbusGuy

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    That is where you are wrong. The right drug in your drink and you can be helpless as a newborn infant. You should have worried about it(being drugged or incapacitated-and you still should-this happened to me when I was about 40).

    I just started a thread in the Lockerroom about this kind of thing, sexual assault, even though mine was, in my opinion, not as bad as most.

    Somebody had to start the damn thing. If people want to talk, they can talk. Somebody has talked...the ice is broken, it is up to everyone else now.
     
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  5. alton

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    I would like to think this would be my case as well but unfortunately it's not. We've just been lucky enough not to come across some little person tryin' to drug us with booze. I don't like dudes buying me drinks (I mean, it's only happened once, anyways) because of the fact that I don't know if they're in cohoots with the BT. On some real shit tho, I am QUITE lucky that I never had any situations like this back in my younger days, because I was REALLY reckless back then, and put myself in some VERY precarious situations.
     
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  6. Winston Smith

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    You seemed to have missed the dependent clause set apart by my comma ("..., BARRING the drugging..."). Not trying to sound like Don Lemon and "why didn't you bite it off," but the reality is that for my height and size no one other than Shaq can take me unless drugs, multiple persons, or weapons are involved. The reality is also that size DOES come into play, along with other factors of course. That's why small women AND MEN clutch their purses and phones when they see a black male they don't think they can outrun or outgun. There are a multitude of factors in conditions that make any individual vulnerable in assault situations, but some are more likely to be more vulnerable. I never said anyone is INVINCIBLE. There's a difference.
     
  7. ColumbusGuy

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    I meant more toward the 'I never had to worry about a situation like this' part..the big and tall. The whole point was about the drugging(alleged drugging...no evidence it is a just a rational explanation)...of course it will not matter if some 90 lb guy tries to rape you-you will beat his ass. They know this-that it will be real hard to rape a man unless he can be beaten senseless, and all the while screaming, fighting back, using anything available as a weapon. If not for suspected drugging(and some alcohol intoxication which could have made the drugging more effective) there would be no story here in this thread. That is why you have to be so careful about drugging-much more effective than size or a weapon..and it is all hidden until it is too late. You can see who is coming up the street and be prepared. This is all about catching you off guard. There is no warning. This is coming from someone whom(maybe foolishly) you have placed some level of trust in, to be with them. It is more like a sneak attack-from an acquaintance who has stalked you and stabs you in the back rather than a random confrontation with someone who(by size or otherwise, as in appearing to have a weapon) is deemed a threat right off. You can run at least and take your chances with that.

    *I should/could have been more clear in what I wrote, of course. The point was you just can't predict the drugging and have to treat people until you know them well, the same as when it comes to sex. You have to assume the worst(they have HIV, they might drug you) until you know better. It is a sad state to be in really. And no offense was meant towards your ability to defend yourself from something you know is coming at you.
     
  8. Jdudre

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    The worst part for me was when I had my first "real" boyfriend and we were going to have sex but because I did not process the "incident" fully I couldn't do it and he dumped afterwards right afterwards he left me a note on his dining room table telling me that "last night was weird and he would call me" he never did. That was the worst thing ever cause before he was all nice to me and told me this was not about sex and he loved and all the other bullshit. I hate people, not because of the rape but because of what happened afterwards and how people treated me(let them) afterwards how I have treated people because of it. The worst part of it is that I feel sometimes I am turning into these people and it makes me so angry and mad. I just want to scream cause I don't ever feel like I have anywhere to turn or anyone to talk to about this cause all the guys I have been with have either been victims themselves or victimizers hell I tried to talk with therapist about it and explain to him my feelings about how black and gay people are treated and his response was "why do you hate yourself". It's an ugly cycle I wish all you guys well and really hope that you can find some kinda peace cause I don't think I ever will its happened to many times before and people just don't care heck one of the guys I "dated" used to say don't think about or just "think of shoes" oh and he accused me of raping one one of his friends cause I slept with them he told me this huge lie about how there was blood everywhere and the cops were looking for me this was a lie by the way he later told me that the guy had lied about i.e. he lied about. I swear the only thing that stops me from killing myself sometimes is stories of other people that have gone through this I figured heck if they can make a life for themselves afterwards so can I.
    If this is a real post I hope this helped cause it helped me I have been holding this in for awhile now and I am sorry for making it about me.
     
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  9. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Did you stop going to therapy?
     
  10. Winston Smith

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    I say this coming out of a place of love and concern: Please seek some kind of LGBT-based therapy if you think it will help, so that the person who violated you doesn't continue to have power over you even though he's not physically present. Thoughts are interesting things: they have no weight or mass but they occupy space (in your mind). There are gay therapists out there who not only understand where you've been but may have actually experienced it themselves. I've mentioned before that I have a friend that is a black gay male and also a therapist. Unlike me, but like most here at CA, he knew his orientation at an early age, i.e. formative teen years, young adulthood. So all the shit he counsels people on, he went through it himself well before getting certified and grad school. This makes the help he gives valid and useful, not theoretical bullshit. I think you could really benefit from such a relationship. There are even those who can help even if you're not in a position to be covered by insurance or co-pay.

    Second, even though it's never happened to me, I've had friends that it has. One friend of mine, of small stature, was like you. He was attacked and nearly bled to death and died after being stabbed in the attack (this happened years before I met him). Whereas I learned a lot of humorous things about being a gay male from my therapist friend, I learned a lot about the dark side from my friend who was attacked; the sexual assaults, the negative begaviors and toxic power and masculine games some dudes engage in. This was why I brought up the issue of violence and height and size in my response to @ColumbusGuy; the shit my short friend told me about how dudes push up and think they can try and get away with shit they would never try at first brush with me (without drugging or ganging up on me). He eventually learned to wield a certain kind of power and exude confidence despite the shit he'd been through. I'd like to see you in the same kind of place, where you just exude such confidence mofos have to think twice before trying some shit.

    Don't ever think that seeking out counseling is weakness. If anything, it demonstrates strength because you are taking a step to deal with something that's eating at you, rather than letting it alone and it takes on a life of its own. If you've been through a traumatic experience, it helps just to get that perspective. I sought it out after I returned rom Iraq, and it's helped me personally and professionally. And don't be afraid, if you do start counseling, to switch therapists if you're not clicking with the first one you encounter. I went to the VA for counseling and it was such a bad experience, I will never go back to the VA for shit. Luckily I knew to look for other resources. It's no different than switching doctors. You need to be comfortable with the person you're opening up to in order to advance yourself. Therapy is like any other profession. Some people know what they're doing, some don't. I'm not saying there aren't straight therapists that can't empathize but I just think another gay black make, who isn't judgmental and knows the bullshit personally not just professionally, could be a good thing.
     
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  11. ColumbusGuy

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    @Jdudre What Rico said. Seriously consider his advice and wisdom. Especially the part about seeking a different therapist if you need to. Just like a doctor or any health care professional, they have to be a good fit for you, and if you keep looking you will find the right one for you, if that is what you want. Don't give up, and you can find some inner peace-you are 34 and have years and years ahead and time to work on this.

    Do you guys think this is worse in the black gay community? As if racism and homophobia is not bad enough.

    @Ockydub @Rico I am sorry for jumping on both of you guys. I did not think much about putting down that stuff yesterday. It was no big deal. Except I realized it made me angry without my even realizing it -or admitting it. I did not expect that for some reason.
     
    #11 ColumbusGuy, Sep 2, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 2, 2016
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  12. Winston Smith

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    It's all good. Guys don't have to apologize for honest jousting, especially if it's coming from a place of honest questioning, exploration and elevation.
     
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  13. ColumbusGuy

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    Well I am trying to think before I speak/post....and you know that is hard for me lol. I just want to be accountable when I fuk up. I was stupid to think I could post that and not have any reaction. I was lying to myself and I need to do better. I was worse to Ocky and he did not do a thing to me. Frankly apologizing sucks and it is a lesson in humility for me and to do better in the future.
     
  14. Winston Smith

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    We can all have drink afterwards
    [​IMG]

    @Jdudre see all the corny ass jokes you have to look forward when you get older?
     
  15. OckyDub

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    I think male reaction and stigma to male rap is equal through cultures and communities.

    As previously stated...you don't bother me none.
     
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  16. ColumbusGuy

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    I think apologies are often much like forgiveness-as much for the one initiating it as for the one it is intended for. I won't ask why I don't bother you as I think I have a pretty good grasp of that.

    I agree with Rico let's all have a drink and chill. Titos! lol. (not too much for me though).
     
  17. Jdudre

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    No I've been going to a different one since that guy and this is not something that just happened it was like at least over three years ago I'm just now begin to be able to talk about it somewhat openly
     
  18. OckyDub

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    Cool. I know so many folks whom therapy has worked wonders for.
     
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  19. Jdudre

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    As @Ockydub said rape or male rape in this case is the same wither your black, white or whatever the only really difference in my opinion has to do with the culture men, especially gay men, live in. They take the idea of sexual assault as not a big deal if you go through a lot of gay blogs that have stories on sex crimes you will find a thread that it is not a big deal or I wish that was me I'm paraphrasing of course but it is the way a lot of gay guys seem to think about sex crimes.
    men in general have a very unique understanding of sex
     
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  20. Winston Smith

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    When it's said and done, you will also be a beacon of strength for others who've also suffered.
     
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  21. Jdudre

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    Am sure one day but right now I just feel hurt, shame and alone. I can barely talk about or think about it without crying or tearing up I hate so much it's like theirs this hole inside
     
  22. ColumbusGuy

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    There are people on here to talk too. There are all kinds of counselors/counseling available in New York. You are definitely not alone. It is better to experience the pain and all of those feelings to work them out-if you don't they just stay there and will come out anyway-usually in some negative way. Even with counseling, feeling it, etc., there are some things that will just hurt, and the only thing that helps is the passage of time.

    But if you let yourself feel it and deal with it, nearly anything does become more bearable with the passage of time. Even the most absolute terrible things will usually improve with time(sometimes quite a long time) if you deal with them and don't bottle the feelings up.

    When my partner died I thought it would kill me. But after several years it started getting better, and is much better now. A lot of difficult things just require a period of healing-but if you let yourself 'feel' it and acknowledge it, almost anything will get more bearable with time. Part of it is simply learning to live with it-you won't forget it and it may not become any less terrible, but time and counseling can give you a different perspective on it and less intense pain about it, and you can actually grow as a person from your pain and dealing with that pain, and maybe that is sort of what Rico is talking about?

    Hang in there, Reach out. You are not alone.
     
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  23. Jdudre

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    I hope so but part of me is tired of the pain and I just want it gone one day at a time
     
  24. ColumbusGuy

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    Just hang in there..it will get better. If you need the counseling, get it. Keep looking until you find a counselor/therapist with whom you can develop a good therapeutic relationship. That was one of my failings-I sought counseling after my partner died and I dealt with a terrible, terrible counselor. I stopped it altogether instead of finding someone else. Don't repeat my mistake-it made things much worse and go on for much longer.

    If you need examples of what NOT to do, unfortunately I have more than a few. Don't repeat my foolish mistakes-they cost me dearly. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself.
     
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  25. NikR

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    Dating:
    Single
    The "professional" in me wants to provide you all with a soothing tome. Some crisp, evidence-based recommendations.

    F*ck that.

    I just wanna hug you @ColumbusGuy & @Jdudre . It won't be enough, but it's something.
     
    ColumbusGuy dapped this.
  26. ColumbusGuy

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
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    I started a thread in the locker room with a more detailed account and a 'safe' area for people to discuss sexual assault and molestation, but I don't think anyone will bite. And we all know that even among those who qualify to get into the lockerroom, there have to be at least several if not more who could contribute. But to each his own and all. The place is there if someone wants to utilize it. I wish it was stickied(just like I wish a bisexual thread would be stickied somewhere...always visible just in case.) JMO.

    Funny how it made me very angry posting it without my even being really aware of that emotion boiling up. Just. a. cold. anger.

    And whether white or black or hispanic or Asian...it seems gay men just do not like to talk about it. The things I have been told privately over the years, especially the things happening within relationships, would make your head spin. But to say it openly and admit it? never.
     
    NikR dapped this.
  27. NikR

    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

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    The only disclosure I've had to deal with in life was that I'm *gasp* gay. Everyone can see that I'm black.

    This is something deeper, and much more difficult to talk about. Admittedly, I'm late- I just haven't been as engaged on CA for 2 weeks, which I regret. It takes guts to speak up. You've been around and you know that I mean what I say, so when I say 'thank you', please believe it. Imma go check it out tonight
     
  28. Cyrus-Brooks

    Cyrus-Brooks is a Featured MemberCyrus-Brooks The Black Vulcan
    Squad Leader Best Site Comments The 1000 Daps Club

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    This is exactly why I don't get falling down drunk around people I don't know. I guard my drink jealously. Then again I'm naturally suspicious of people so it'll be pretty hard to pull something like that on me. I've had conversations with quite a few dudes who got raped because they let their guard down around strangers and got too drunk. I think rape more widespread in the gay community than many of us want to acknowledge
     
    Jdudre, ColumbusGuy and ControlledXaos dapped this.
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