Jealous of your Straight Friends?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Artistic Arsonist, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. Artistic Arsonist

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    *Not sure if this belongs in Group Discussions or Dating and Relationships*

    I was thinking back on my high school days and how fun they were. I said I wouldn't change a thing, until dating and sex entered the picture. Now, if I could've changed anything, I would've came out earlier.

    All of my straight friends were going through relationships, jumping from one girlfriend/boyfriend to the next. They were experimenting with sexuality through a series of "firsts" like teens normally do, and they were learning a little bit more about themselves each time. While they were doing this, I suppressed it.

    Fast forward to present day in our 20's, and I have friends that are engaged - some even starting families. Others have some degree of understanding about what they want out of a relationship, what they like in a partner, and what they like sexually. Yet, I have very little experience (let alone understanding) of these things, having had just one relationship. It feels like I'm still a teenager even though that stage has ended.

    Anybody else ever feel (or felt) a little jealous of their straight friends/counterparts over this?
     
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  2. Lancer

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    I was with my friend from childhood the other day, I joked that I should have been giving head behind Biology lab and not cared about what folks thought. He just got married and I felt I was JUST starting to know myself in dating. I saw this tweet the other day which is so true by @introvertgay which said ' Gay culture is being a teenager when you're 30 because your teenage years were not yours to live.'
     
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  3. Artistic Arsonist

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    Man, I wish I could've seen this back then. Maybe I would've bit the bullet, ripped off the band-aid, lived in my truth, and whatever other phrases there are.

    Edit: Oh yeah, the most obvious one: Come out the closet
     
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  4. Cyrus-Brooks

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    Yeah I very jealous of straight friends and acquaintances during my teens and early 20s. Even resentful. They were all having fun, dating, hooking up, going to clubs. I stayed isolated. I made up for it in my mid to late 20s.
     
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  5. SB3

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    It's interesting, because I went through a period of experiencing the reverse. I wasn't anywhere near comfortable or even sure enough of my sexuality in hs, so I had gf's for all of that exploration. However, once I hit my 30s, and having so many str8 coupled friends, I def went through a period where I started to isolate and pick and choose when Id hang out w them. No one ever made me feel awkward, but when you're the only party of one at the communal table, you start to not exactly want to be around as often.

    What I will also say is that their awareness (born out of privilege) of the amount of effort it takes to make relationships continue to work, really reinforced the reality of just how far behind the 8 ball so many gay men are. The whole kid in the candy store w unlimited options, or constantly red flag hunting approaches many guys take from living in an all app world is definitely not helping us get to date number 2.
     
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  6. Artistic Arsonist

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    Same here. It got so bad, that I secretly put myself on this moral high ground to feel better. I wasn't going through teenage pregnancy or teenage heartbreak, therefore I was "smarter" and "more responsible". Of course, I was wrong. A small fraction of the school was getting pregnant, and those who dealt with heartbreak also learned how to cope and move on.
     
  7. Mrmack8913

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    Can cosign on this fully. Repressed my sexuality up until last year and at 28 I pretty much missed out on a lot of relationship experience in high school AND college. I'm glad I did finally come out but will forever regret doing it so late in life. It sucks to feel inferior to my straight friends when it comes to relationships because although they aren't perfect at it they still have a decade plus more experience and its so evident.
    Even with other gays I can feel resentment towards those who came out in their teens and twenties due to the experience they gained. I had one acquaintance even say I was lucky since he had to learn everything the hard way in his 20s. Lol I'm like dude its 10x worse because I'm like a teenager trying to learn what everyone else knows, its awful sometimes.
     
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  8. Artistic Arsonist

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    Seeing the openly gay kids in high schools is really heartwarming and lowkey hurts. Initially typing the OP, I wanted to go into more detail about resentment, but started to sound too much like a hater lol. It's good to know I'm not the only one.

    And why'd your friend say you were lucky?
     
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  9. Mrmack8913

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    The resentment I feel is natural. Its definitely good to see the youth embrace their sexuality but for those of us who waited it carries the sting of what could've been. My friend said this because he came out at 18 and went thru all the motions that entails. I guess from his perspective me being older and wiser as well as not being into the scene, I'm being spared the worst aspects of the culture. I highly disagreed because being older and inexperienced compared to my peers I take the let downs a lot harder. Granted my friends have been supportive and give good advice when they can but it makes me feel inferior at times.
     
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  10. Artistic Arsonist

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    I get that. I kinda thought the same, that I'd learn through observation. It never occurred to me that everyone is different, therefore handles everything differently. Plus, not actually being in the relationship meant that I was only getting glimpses into what things were really like.
     
  11. Mrmack8913

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    Your last sentence hit the nail on the head. You never know until you actually do it. And then people wonder why we get so jaded when it comes to relationships and dating. Especially when u feel like you wasted your best years not being yourself and realize how shirt life is. It strips you of your patience in dealing with others.
     
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  12. OhSheit

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    "I'm focusing on school...I'm focusing on my job...I'm focusing on my career...I'm focusing on my vacation plans when I retire...death"
    [​IMG]
     
    #12 OhSheit, Sep 12, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2017
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  13. Artistic Arsonist

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    [​IMG]

    I understand, though. There are bigger fish to fry.
     
  14. Omega Level

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    While I understand totally where your coming from I laughed a bit when I read the title only because I have had more than a few straight people say they are jealous of gays.

    I understand your point of being younger and having confidence in your youth could of made a difference but look at the bright side, while those straight friends gain horrible weight, are constantly yelling at their kids, and began to have marital problems that lead to sex twice a year, the confident 30 year old plus gays with merging disposal incomes are having bodies to die for, amazing sex, and booking another trip to Greece after coming from Brazil. Focus on being that gay guy. Lol

    Are you still jealous now? :franko1:
     
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  15. Dante

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    Yes! I blatantly envied their privilege. They always had it good. Not saying I hated myself ever, but yup.
     
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  16. SB3

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    I get ur point. But what happens when dude turns ____, his body isn't so tight anymore, and he's not exactly the big man on the jakd/grindr/____ campus anymore?

    I totally understand not being into what's seen as a traditional life style, but that's not the impetus behind this thread. Him replacing life/dating/relationship experience for an (albeit dope) 'gay approved' young adult existence will still lead to him eventually being THAT uncle upstairs.
     
  17. Omega Level

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    Yea I guess I can understand your point. Its just hard for me to personally relate because the majority of the gay guys I know, although not perfect, live very enviable lives. And do so on purpose.

    Maybe I missed the general message of the thread.
     
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  18. Nick Delmacy

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    I'm weird because I NEVER had any interest in dating and all that until I got older....True I got horny, but that was about it...I was totally focused on my career goals after high school through my 20s.

    [​IMG]

    It wasn't until I hit about 28 that I had the "missing out" feelings that most of you are describing....mostly from the perspective of not even having a gay friend at the time, 100% of my friends were straight and didn't know about me (or knew/suspected but didn't say anything).

    So I jumped on the sites like Adam 4 Adam to find both platonic friends and dates. That's how I met Ocky, as friends only. The dates, I was more successful meeting them in person and on chat lines (which were slowly fading away by 2009 but still had some dope guys on there).

    Anyway, like so many others, the dating shit that teenagers and college kids went through is what I started to deal with for the first time at almost 30 years old. I naively thought that grown gay men would not have time or interest in playing games and wasting time, boy was I wrong.

    [​IMG]

    But one thing I realized when meeting and dating dudes who started dating in their teens and early 20s is that, years later, their asses were just as single as me...On top of that, they had been through countless short-term relationships that either damaged them or made them cynical about dating altogether.

    So coming out and dating in high school and college like so many straight friends is not always the fantasy romance life that we envision.
     
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  19. Mrmack8913

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    U make a really good point. Either people are just as single or they're in relationships that are shitty and unhealthy. Grass ain't always greener.
     
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  20. BlackguyExecutive

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    Hmmm, interesting. I think it's a bit relative and definitely not a gay/straight thing. I am at that age where weddings and friends having children are the only things I spend my money on these days. You will have these feelings at every milestone age because as humans we naturally try and compare. For me now, my social circle, both gay and straight are childless mid-career professionals, Only one person in my immediate friend's group has a kid, while all but two of my closest friends are married. Whenever I think I am missing out, I read emails from my brother who has two kids and not married to his baby mama and think wow, I am not doing too bad. My straight friends are not in a hurry either to have kids. At the end of the day is all relative. I don't know if one day I will look back retrospectively and think, I should have but right now I am trying to seize the moments I am living right now. Don't worry, it usually works out.
     
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  21. Artistic Arsonist

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    I gotta say, all of these responses are very reassuring, whether they let me know that I'm not alone in my feelings or saying that straight people aren't automatically gonna end up with better, happier relationships. Perhaps, this is just the mind of young adult at work lol. We all just have to go at our own pace.
     
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  22. OckyDub

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    YES...

    All of the above, coupled with the host of obstacles the Black community puts out (church, family, taboos, etc) and this is why I feel gay dudes are so screwed up on different fronts.
     
  23. OckyDub

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    YEP... and masculine men can be just as messy as the fem ones.
     
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  24. SB3

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    I think its also important to not play tennis w this, and make it a 'one side vs the other' issue. There are happily single guys, and guys who are in happy, functional relationships. Everything isn't for everyone. We all know that dating isn't easy for us, but there's no reason for us to try and Jedi mind trick ourselves by trying to villify it just because we haven't had the best of luck w our track records.
     
  25. Nick Delmacy

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    I just want to be the person out there saying the real about dating and relationships since so many ppl hold it up as the only reason for being alive. Especially hetero black folks, they act as if you are a leper if you are 25 and over and single.

    Even the original question in this thread was framed to imply that merely having a girlfriend at 17 years old might be a reason to be jealous of a straight dude (who might not have even graduated from high school).

    There is more to life than fucking, getting fucked and laying up with someone on a regular basis in your youth! I would argue that's a reason so many grown men are fucked up financially: They spent so much time chasing ass in their youth that they didn't nurture their careers, savings account, living situation, etc. So now they're 40+ years old sleeping on an Air Mattress in a Flop House.
     
  26. SB3

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    Lol @ the quick flop house shade for good measure. In all honesty tho, I think it's being a lil over thought at this point. As you, Ocky and many other squad members have pointed out many times before, back in the 90s, no one was out here telling kids it was ok to be themselves. While many straight dudes ended up doing too damn much exploring and experiencing which lead to eternal broke baby daddy status, it's not hard to see why many young gay dudes, esp those w 0 attraction to females could feel like they got jipped in their youth. It's no different than guys being envious of some .04% body fat mofo on IG, even though he might not have 2 nickels to rub together. It's not really about being jealous of the other person's life.
     
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  27. Nick Delmacy

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    yeah I agree with all that, I was responding to your statement about a different matter:

     
  28. SB3

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    It wasn't a dig. I always call you 'anti' because you're a perpetual devil's advocate. I, too, think that there are many many things way more important than relationship status. I also just think it's important to not make it a tit for tat situation. The inherent bs we face when it comes to dating doesn't mean that we have to make a pros n cons list about it. At some point, we'll all deal w a bunch of shit from both columns. It's ok to want ur share of a lot of different things in 2017.
     
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  29. Mrmack8913

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    Absolutely. Masculinity hides the messiness better from what I've seen.
     
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  30. King Zorro

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    I wasn't jealous of my straight friends, I just regret that I didn't come out earlier. I'm so popular and happier now that I came out. Plus EVERYBODY already knew. I could've started being a hoe way earlier lol
     
  31. DreG

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    Sometimes I feel like this in my overall social life.I think I'm a regressed 17 yr old when it comes to things like that.
     
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  32. Boaxy

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    Yes I am jealous.

    I see many of the straight boys that were classmates of mine. Many of them have successful lives, and have families of their own.

    I'm just alone.
     
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