Best Posts in Thread: Jealous of your Straight Friends?

I'm weird because I NEVER had any interest in dating and all that until I got older....True I got horny, but that was about it...I was totally focused on my career goals after high school through my 20s.



It wasn't until I hit about 28 that I had the "missing out" feelings that most of you are describing....mostly from the perspective of not even having a gay friend at the time, 100% of my friends were straight and didn't know about me (or knew/suspected but didn't say anything).

So I jumped on the sites like Adam 4 Adam to find both platonic friends and dates. That's how I met Ocky, as friends only. The dates, I was more successful meeting them in person and on chat lines (which were slowly fading away by 2009 but still had some dope guys on there).

Anyway, like so many others, the dating shit that teenagers and college kids went through is what I started to deal with for the first time at almost 30 years old. I naively thought that grown gay men would not have time or interest in playing games and wasting time, boy was I wrong.



But one thing I realized when meeting and dating dudes who started dating in their teens and early 20s is that, years later, their asses were just as single as me...On top of that, they had been through countless short-term relationships that either damaged them or made them cynical about dating altogether.

So coming out and dating in high school and college like so many straight friends is not always the fantasy romance life that we envision.

 

Yeah I very jealous of straight friends and acquaintances during my teens and early 20s. Even resentful. They were all having fun, dating, hooking up, going to clubs. I stayed isolated. I made up for it in my mid to late 20s.

 

I was with my friend from childhood the other day, I joked that I should have been giving head behind Biology lab and not cared about what folks thought. He just got married and I felt I was JUST starting to know myself in dating. I saw this tweet the other day which is so true by @introvertgay which said ' Gay culture is being a teenager when you're 30 because your teenage years were not yours to live.'

 

*Not sure if this belongs in Group Discussions or Dating and Relationships*

I was thinking back on my high school days and how fun they were. I said I wouldn't change a thing, until dating and sex entered the picture. Now, if I could've changed anything, I would've came out earlier.

All of my straight friends were going through relationships, jumping from one girlfriend/boyfriend to the next. They were experimenting with sexuality through a series of "firsts" like teens normally do, and they were learning a little bit more about themselves each time. While they were doing this, I suppressed it.

Fast forward to present day in our 20's, and I have friends that are engaged - some even starting families. Others have some degree of understanding about what they want out of a relationship, what they like in a partner, and what they like sexually. Yet, I have very little experience (let alone understanding) of these things, having had just one relationship. It feels like I'm still a teenager even though that stage has ended.

Anybody else ever feel (or felt) a little jealous of their straight friends/counterparts over this?

 

It's interesting, because I went through a period of experiencing the reverse. I wasn't anywhere near comfortable or even sure enough of my sexuality in hs, so I had gf's for all of that exploration. However, once I hit my 30s, and having so many str8 coupled friends, I def went through a period where I started to isolate and pick and choose when Id hang out w them. No one ever made me feel awkward, but when you're the only party of one at the communal table, you start to not exactly want to be around as often.

What I will also say is that their awareness (born out of privilege) of the amount of effort it takes to make relationships continue to work, really reinforced the reality of just how far behind the 8 ball so many gay men are. The whole kid in the candy store w unlimited options, or constantly red flag hunting approaches many guys take from living in an all app world is definitely not helping us get to date number 2.

 

YEP... and masculine men can be just as messy as the fem ones.

 

Same here. It got so bad, that I secretly put myself on this moral high ground to feel better. I wasn't going through teenage pregnancy or teenage heartbreak, therefore I was "smarter" and "more responsible". Of course, I was wrong. A small fraction of the school was getting pregnant, and those who dealt with heartbreak also learned how to cope and move on.

 

I think its also important to not play tennis w this, and make it a 'one side vs the other' issue. There are happily single guys, and guys who are in happy, functional relationships. Everything isn't for everyone. We all know that dating isn't easy for us, but there's no reason for us to try and Jedi mind trick ourselves by trying to villify it just because we haven't had the best of luck w our track records.

 

I gotta say, all of these responses are very reassuring, whether they let me know that I'm not alone in my feelings or saying that straight people aren't automatically gonna end up with better, happier relationships. Perhaps, this is just the mind of young adult at work lol. We all just have to go at our own pace.

 

"I'm focusing on school...I'm focusing on my job...I'm focusing on my career...I'm focusing on my vacation plans when I retire...death"

 

Can cosign on this fully. Repressed my sexuality up until last year and at 28 I pretty much missed out on a lot of relationship experience in high school AND college. I'm glad I did finally come out but will forever regret doing it so late in life. It sucks to feel inferior to my straight friends when it comes to relationships because although they aren't perfect at it they still have a decade plus more experience and its so evident.
Even with other gays I can feel resentment towards those who came out in their teens and twenties due to the experience they gained. I had one acquaintance even say I was lucky since he had to learn everything the hard way in his 20s. Lol I'm like dude its 10x worse because I'm like a teenager trying to learn what everyone else knows, its awful sometimes.

 

I wasn't jealous of my straight friends, I just regret that I didn't come out earlier. I'm so popular and happier now that I came out. Plus EVERYBODY already knew. I could've started being a hoe way earlier lol

 

I just want to be the person out there saying the real about dating and relationships since so many ppl hold it up as the only reason for being alive. Especially hetero black folks, they act as if you are a leper if you are 25 and over and single.

Even the original question in this thread was framed to imply that merely having a girlfriend at 17 years old might be a reason to be jealous of a straight dude (who might not have even graduated from high school).

There is more to life than fucking, getting fucked and laying up with someone on a regular basis in your youth! I would argue that's a reason so many grown men are fucked up financially: They spent so much time chasing ass in their youth that they didn't nurture their careers, savings account, living situation, etc. So now they're 40+ years old sleeping on an Air Mattress in a Flop House.

 

YES...

All of the above, coupled with the host of obstacles the Black community puts out (church, family, taboos, etc) and this is why I feel gay dudes are so screwed up on different fronts.

 

Hmmm, interesting. I think it's a bit relative and definitely not a gay/straight thing. I am at that age where weddings and friends having children are the only things I spend my money on these days. You will have these feelings at every milestone age because as humans we naturally try and compare. For me now, my social circle, both gay and straight are childless mid-career professionals, Only one person in my immediate friend's group has a kid, while all but two of my closest friends are married. Whenever I think I am missing out, I read emails from my brother who has two kids and not married to his baby mama and think wow, I am not doing too bad. My straight friends are not in a hurry either to have kids. At the end of the day is all relative. I don't know if one day I will look back retrospectively and think, I should have but right now I am trying to seize the moments I am living right now. Don't worry, it usually works out.