Let's Talk About Sex...Baby

What is sex??? Sounds familiar...Is it one of those myths like sleep?

 

Yes, it be awkward, like every other human activity. Once you acknowledge that truth, like you have done, hopefully people just drop the pre-ceonceived notions, play it safe, and enjoy the ride. Mentally, my thoughts are probably the most adventurous they've ever been, but circumstances keep me grounded.

I feel you on the hookup thing. If I was guaranteed to meet ONLY guys who had some sense, decorum and knew how to be adventurous behind closed doors while mature in front of the doors, maybe I'd be all in the apps. I don't want to take the chance of being put in a social media appearance that I can't control.

The "awkward" part for me these days is that even though my thought process is at its most liberated, now that I'm professionally established, sadly, I have to think about the consequences of some things my inner ho desires. I was always an "old soul," so I was pretty much a fuddy duddy in my 20s; you could have threw a cardigan on me, gave me a pipe and sat me right down next to Mr Rogers (lol). Now that I'm older and have a nice job, the repressed freak inside all of a sudden wants to play Christopher Columbus and explore.

For example, I actually could really see myself checking out the leather scene. Nothing more masc than that, right? Unfortunately, because I work in the public safety arena, I have to watch who I associate with. While I support legalization of marijuana (for libertarian as well as sentencing reform purposes), I can't associate with people who smoke weed or use illicit drugs. That obviously knocks me out of attending a lot of parties, public and private. A doctor friend of mine said the same thing happened to him once he made it known his job precluded him from being around folk who smoke, the invites simply dried up. Luckily for him, he's happily partnered, so lack of invites doesn't mean as much.

It's a conundrum; now that I've arrived professionally, I have to keep the discreet appearance; not because I'm ashamed of who I am, but the political types, Democratic as well as Republican, want the optics of "Modern Family" gay, not the "I'm hanging out with my dudes in an assless leather thong and ballgag" gay.

 

Yeah, you're right. Sex is awkward, but I think it depends on what goal you have in mind. When I watch porn, it's just to bust a nut. When I have sex, it's about the experience. No concrete expectations. I just like the idea of being able to experience it with someone. Then again, I don't really hook up with folks all that much. I used to, but I got bored with it. I have to get to know you first and let it progress to that level. Let's talk, slowly move together, start touching on each other, start kissing, and then do the deed. If it's a legitimate hook up, I feel like dudes just wanna skip all of that and get straight to fucking which I'm not down with. Anyway, I'm rambling. With that said, I'm pretty sure PornHub and MyVidster are gonna be my boyfriends for the foreseeable future. I'm about to go through a dry spell cause I don't feel like sexing a dude unless we're gonna be more than a hook-up.

 

They're the only ones throwing it at me,but I refuse to take a dip in the pink pool.

 

I'm not hardly gone sit here and listen to that.Going have to call BULLSHT on this one.

 

I'm pretty much the same.

I guess I am that black unicorn/dinosaur or just part of that particular generation of gays men, and this could also be regional, who it was so difficult to actually find a black, gay, male, in your age group, who also found you attractive, that you actually tried to have a relationship instead of just hooking up. So, I also booed up with the first dude I messed around with. I wasn't sprung. I'm also a realist so I knew that it was highly likely this wasn't going to be forever, but I rode the wave for as long as it lasted.

I think for me, in the mid 90s in a smaller metro area in the south, you just didn't know when you'd find another man who'd you be half way compatible with so you did try to make things 'work'. I know for a fact I put in a LOT more effort then than I do now trying to give a dude a chance.

All that to say that mostly, my sexual activities were with dudes I was dating. Hookups happened but were few and far between. I have GOT to cosign on that after you'd been with the same person for a while, it's hard to really put yourself in that vulnerable position again with some dude you don't even know like that. I think about my performance, my body, does he like this, will he do that, if I do this will this make him uncomfortable..... all kinds of anxiety come up. I can separate myself from the activity and go to auto pilot but mentally I'm thinking about so much I can barely enjoy myself. I'd have to have a really animalistic attraction to really get into it with a new person. This happens rarely but I just *know* it when me and a dude are on the same page and when we are.... yes indeed!

So... I'm okay with Palmetta and Handy Jay taking care of things physically and MyVidster and Tumblr on visuals. I don't think it's enough to make it so that I don't WANT the intimacy and physical closeness of another man. I think it's healthy if you are dating/in a relationship to still master your domain. Better that than being tempted to cheat. Again, I'm simple. I just like to orgasm with out the drama. But I also get that hooking up gives you a form of intimacy... touching, kissing, being touched... even if it's not going to last beyond that session and you never see the dude again ever in your life, there's benefits to it emotionally but it isn't for everyone.

I may have fiftyleum Gym Crushes, but honestly, I wouldn't have sex with ALL of them even if opportunity presented itself.

 

I have been informed by my Older White Gay Facebook Advisers that when I complain about my body, I'd be welcomed with the bear and leather scene. Now, I like thick dudes but leather dudes and bears always seem into multiple partners and open relationships. There's somethings that I'm interested in but just wouldn't get into because I'm still trying to get where I want to be professionally and I'm not even in a public or political field but the field I'm trying to, I'd run into the same people a lot.

 

UGHH Dude, tell me about it! smfh I was walkin through ENY with my cuz over the weekend (in grey sweats) and every f#$kin chick in the hood was down my throat. Even heard a few..."dddaaamn". All that damn salchichón in ENY and all I got was pescao. smh LOL

 

Well at least you guys get hit on by someone lol, even if they are women. I never really had that problem or I just gave off too much of an 'aloof' vibe. When it did happen I was always surprised and just 'huh' incredulous-I have been mostly 'out' so long I just kind of sometimes feel that people(anyone including any random stranger) 'knows' too-which is not the case apparently as I occasionally have been reminded. Plus besides highschool friends I have had very few if any female friends or even acquaintances and do not mix well with females really so besides being friendly as in 'work friendly' I think I give off a 'don't bother me/I am not interested in talking to you'/'I don't give a shit'/I am not gonna respond to you so don't do it' vibe to women. I grew up around men and I am more comfortable in person with men-preferably other gay(but not flaming) men. I also have never had the looks of an 'SB3'(damn him lol) so I have not had the getting hit on thing like that. And I guess race does play a part in that-white women maybe are not that 'forward' and I think probably have more options? Once you get to a certain age anyway it seems most are married or in relationships around here so there are fewer of them checking for men really.

Intimacy with a partner was great because if the sex did not go so well or things did not go as planned it was ok...it was just a part of a larger thing and not a big deal. Not the same without the trust and intimacy. Also except for a few times in the last 15 years(not including the last five that have been celibate) I had to be drinking to even be interested in sex with someone-even the few people I dated-no wonder things did not last long. I was in no shape to even be dating. I was too caught up in the grief from my partner's death. I sought out company by well, being a slut(I was also a slut when I first came out, kid in a candy store thing), but this second hoedom was really sad and sinister and destructive-having sex for all the wrong reasons.

All that ended up doing was further damaging me. I won't go back to having sex until I can have it for the right reasons-which means I may be permanently celibate-I am ok with that. Nobody can take care of 'me' better than 'me' (why I love that 'Sensual Masturbation parody video I posted way back). I would rather have friendship and then maybe intimacy and some trust and then the sex...or even without the sex would be ok. I have had enough for a lifetime(or three) so I would be all right.

*Of course this all needs to be taken in consideration of factors like my age, when I became sexually active, etc. and the fact that at least now I do not have a very high sex drive. And the fact that anyone around me age seems to only be interested in sex, or nothing at all( meaning way younger guys *sigh*).

 

As long as consenting adults are involved, there's no such thing to me as having sex "for all the wrong reasons." Let me fix that for you:

"NOT having sex for all the wrong reasons: An Introduction to Christianity, Islam and Judaism."

Man, you keep talking like you're 90 years old, in a wheelchair and being pushed around by (the gay equivalent) of Anna Nicole Smith...in other words, David Geffen (lol, just kidding).

 

I get hit on by youngergirls, wit they hawt azzes. I wish some hawt guy would just pop up by me down at the station..lol. Ah, I can only dream..

 

You are right. Part of me(a big part) has been thinking that basically I died(or should have been the one who died/guilt) 15 years ago and I have just been 'existing' since then, not really 'living'. And just 'existing' is a shitty way of being alive. It makes you old and practically having one foot in the grave very quickly and I need to get over it. My biggest struggle is to just not give up. I have plenty of faults and it is too easy to pick up on those and think I don't even deserve to have a decent life sometimes. Therapy awaits!(I a looking).

I guess I meant 'having sex for the wrong reasons' being like having sex when you really don't want sex but just want to be somewhat close to someone, and get sex when you want intimacy or just some kind of closeness with another human being. Also having sex when you do not want to but that is what someone else wants so you go along with it even though you want to wait and have a better intimate connection with a person. You can get used alot that way...just good enough for sex but nothing else. I learned that very early on in dealing with gay men.

 

I get it. I half agree with you on the reasons for sex, as my libido is only slightly diminished than it was from teenage, so getting sex for intimacy, as you say, is still alright with me as I swear I must be part bonobo (man, those chimps can get down for ANY reason).

If you feel stuck, don't be afraid of therapy, especially if you can find a gay therapist with perspective, humor and some life experience under the belt. Humor is essential, you need a John Waters with a clinical cert. My first experience at a gay bar was with a friend that's a counselor. It was pretty humorous as he was alternately a wing man and an observer of my behavior. What was cool was as I was making excuses for not going in (I circled the place like a buzzard, texting him before I went in), he went from clinical professional to snap-queen mode which made me feel like a coward. So, as I finally entered, I remember the bouncers just waving me in like I was a regular (I think I had that Kevin Kline thing where everybody but me could see my gayness). Afterwards, I was like, why da hell have I not been coming here all this time?!?! You just need an educated kick in the kiester.

All that to say, if Sumner Redstone, Hefner, Geffen and all those dudes who are twenty, thirty, FORTY years older than YOU have no shame in living their lives, finding pretty young male and female things and "doin' it to death", why should you sit around? As I've said in these parts before, i live by the Isley Brothers line "my living has got to go on"! And really that's one gay trait I'm never copping: the age/shelf life thing. My mentality is that if your dikk still gets hard and you can still get around---even with a knee/replacement, wheelchair, hovaround---Hell, life is good! Since I don't have that age prejudice thing, I notice that those salt and pepper bearded dudes are looking just as nice as the young, chiseled A&F dudes. Some of them might even leave a little sumpthin for you in their wills if you throw the d on 'em good (lol).