Let's talk about the kids

We act accordingly and keep showing up! My friend's daughter is 4 now. She's gaining a sense of independence, and I see my friend alrdy dealing because she isn't as needed. Both of her kids (her son is a 2 yr old terrorist, utterly ridiculous) kidnapped me yesterday. I was forced to play w dolls and toy trucks, and to buy something I cant even remember, as an Xmas gift.

My point is, as much as I love those kids, the older I get, the less likely I want to be a dad. Love being an uncle.

It's def relevant for ppl to speak up. Not everyone wants kids, and not everyone can conceive kids. So when ur at the water cooler, speak ur reality, so that ppl are consistently reminded that not everyone runs in the same lane in life.

 

People always automatically assume I'm a father based on my naturally paternal demeanor and are usually disappointed when they find out I'm not.
When the subject comes up and it does frequently, I tell them the truth
none living and if they want me to elaborate, I get real and tell them there've been abortions and miscarriages.
I find amongst my peers and coworkers of color that it's more of a surprising issue than with whites and asians.
I don't shy away from conversations about their kids and am an active participant since for me it makes them more relatable and likable.

 

U have to get used to it, as a REAL LIFE, masc dude.

 

I definitely think children and childrearing is multifaceted because it can be assessed from a number of different vantage points. First, I think it is generational, thanks to modern medicine, women can have children later in life, a lot of women and men in my peer group, millennial types are foregoing having children until their 30s. I think about this all the time, my mom and dad had me and my brother at 21 and 24 respectively, my mom was just graduating college. When I was 21 I couldn't imagine being responsible for another human being. I look at my peer group, none of my close friends gay and straight have children. Also my peer group is highly educated and mostly married couples without children. It reminds me of the Time Magazine story Having It All Without Having Children. On the flip side though is my brother who at 28 has two kids, not married, never attended college, has a great job, he lives a simpler life to so to speak. Not only is it generational but also there are divides between the classes, socio-economic statuses, educational levels, and religiosity.

 

@jpo You don't have to change the subject at the water cooler, maybe just take it in and offer a word here and there when it fits. I've never had kids myself because I never wanted to be chained to a loud mouthed ghetto shrew through a kid like so many brothers I've known. Plus, unlike a lot of guys, I always remembered growing up that a box of condoms was in the single figures while child support is in the five or six figures lol.

That being said, like a lot of "gay uncles" here on CA, many of us have pretty much raised sibling's kids or tutored or mentored. You'd be surprised the insight you might be able to contribute from the unique perspective of being "on the outside"; for example, having tutored math, I've given a lot of coworkers insight on helping their own kids with homework, etc. or study habits.

 

Co workers with a kid or kids generally volunteer conversations about their personal life. When the conversation involves their relationship and/or kids, I'm more into being receptive and "watching tv" mode than anything, unless they are talking about their siblings and nieces and nephews (which I will verbally engage talking about my siblings and 21 nieces and nephews and several great nieces and nephews, too).

I used to feel some kind of way in the workplace when it came to my personal life and other co workers, especially when Mother's Day and Father's Day and when someone would ask "Do you have kids?". But I am now over it, bc work is about me doing my job and I make it so that it stays right there.

 

I do not have children as of yet but I definitely plan to both biologically produce and adopt as I believe I'd be a pretty great father and I want to leave a living legacy. For me children have always been in the cards but I understand that most LGBT people of color sort of resigned to it never being possible for them and instead of mourning that adopted the "kids are unnecessary I'm gay" attitude. Now that it is an option we see more and more adoring and I think that's beautiful.