Looking for the Come Up

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by BlackguyExecutive, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    Dear CAers,

    I recently had dinner with a close friend of mine he is well on his way to doing big things. He is an emerging scholar, like published PhD type and he winning awards left and right. I went out to dinner with him and his new "boyfriend" emphasis on boy and was baffled by their situation. I am never one to open my mouth and make commentary on someone else's situation but I honestly feel like this guy is riding my friends coattails and is bringing very little to their dynamic, maybe a cute-ish face and decent body but that is about it. I was talking to my husband about it and he said I should just leave it alone because our friend is a very smart man and he is perfectly capable of handling himself. I on the other hand think he is blinded with smitteness.

    [​IMG]

    Should I say something to my friend or be the diplomat that I am and just remain neutral for the time being. I get there are certain people looking for the come up and if that your style so be it but I am always curious about the one's being come - uped on. Do they realize this is happening?

    Thoughts friends?

    BlackguyExecutive
     
  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    I'm confused... what exactly makes you think he is trying to be on the "come up" or ride "coat tails"?

    Besides that, I don't see anything wrong with the situation personally. Many older (not old) men like younger men, don't mind paying their way or taking care of them. Gay men with no family can have a sense of being a bread winner and taking care of home but keeping, lusting after and sponsoring a younger man. Would I do it, Hell No...but let it be. I don't see the harm.
     
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  3. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Yeah I'm unclear on exactly how this dude is taking advantage of your friend. Is he paying for the dude's college books or tuition? Clothes? Car?

    Or is he actually just making your friend happy yet you (maybe selfishly) think he can do better?

    One man's trash is another man's treasure...and one man's "quality dude" is another man's boring ex-boyfriend.
     
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  4. ControlledXaos

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    I guess my answer is "not enough information given."

    The bf is new, you only met him once, and we don't know much about what his current career and accomplishments and goals are.


    But for all we know your boy probably just wanna get some and that's working for him. =) Lest you forget, it is Cuffing Season after all.
     
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  5. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    I think you guys are right, I think my problem is that I found the new bae quite boring. He seems very bland and uninteresting. I am probably part judging, which is indeed bad on my part, because I felt like he was keeping up or contributing with our conversation. We are all around the same age so its not daddy situation and I don't think my friend is offering him anything out of the normal but I just view the guy as an anchor. I like to think that relationships should be complementary and maybe I just haven't seen how they compliment each other yet. My husband told me that I am turning into the elite gay that I claim hate (we are not speaking at the moment), simply because the guy wasn't able to keep up with our conversation about the escalations in the South China Sea. That is fine. I do think my friend is happy. I think that he is finally able to focus on things like a relationship because all his schooling is over and he is getting nestled in a career.

    In many ways I do think my friend can do better but I think I just need to accept that he is smart enough to realize what he wants....my friend texted me today and said he is just having fun and seeing where it goes, maybe I need give it more time. I am a really BIG first impressions kind of guy and I just got a vibe that didn't sit well with me.

    I think it really boils down to the fact that I think they are moving really fast and the simple fact that I just met the guy a few days ago seems weird, yet they talking about moving in together and all that and I am like wait...what....

    [​IMG]
     
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  6. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    Yeah it could be that. He did say he was just having fun and seeing where it goes....but they talking about moving in with each other and I am like really....I guess I just have never been the type of brother that get dickmatized.
     
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  7. ControlledXaos

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    I usually can tell when I'm compatible with living without someone if it ever came to it after staying overnight with them a few times every often or so across a few months. However actually doing it is a big step. I couldn't see myself doing that until after least two years passed. I really believe you have to know someone across seasonal changes but it could work for him.

    You know lesbians have a tendency to move in with each other in a matter of minutes. Lol

    But if he's being treated right, with respect, and they are compatible then talking about world event's doesn't mean he isn't a good match. He was probably intimidated by Y'all tho.
     
  8. bpaisle

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    Yeah dude, I'm pretty big on first impressions too. If you fuck up that first impression, I'm going to think back to that every time I see you. Maybe give him another chance though. He could have been having an off day or maybe feeling under the weather.
    1379309561_Shrug.gif
     
  9. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    That's what my husband said. He is a social worker by profession and he just told me that before we go out with my friends and colleagues he always brushes up reading the NYT and other global sections of the newspaper so he can have some kind of idea what we talking about.
     
  10. Kouncelor

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    As a rule, I stay out of other peoples relationships, PERIOD.

    In the initial post It seems to focus on judging the boyfriend by someone elses personal standards. The 1st pqrt of the post was pedigree and accomplishments. There is so much more to life than that.

    Shouldn't we judge in that situation or try getting know who the guy is and what he is about. I like to think I am intelligent, but if you start talking about the South China Sea, I would get quiet too.
     
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  11. Jaa

    Jaa
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    Does your friend normally date people that can keep with current events and intellectual discussions? Maybe he's drawn to him because his personality contrasts with his own. He might not be as informed or outwardly intelligent, but he could have other positive qualities that aren't so apparent. He could just be fun to be around, a breath of fresh air compared to your friend's more scholarly crew.

    And yeah, I'd say I'm somewhat intelligent and kinda keep up with current events (though I hadn't heard about the South China Sea until I googled it after your mention), but I might remain a fairly quiet observer when first meeting my partner's older, smart friends too. Maybe he can't hold his own in these types of conversations, but he and your friend vibe in a variety of other situations. I think you should be the diplomat, at least until you have more concrete evidence that this relationship is problematic. Even if the guy is an opportunistic dullard, you may not be able to change your boy's mind if he's enjoying himself. He may like the "smart and established older guy, young and dumb but well meaning guy" dynamic.
     
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