Mr. Robinson and The Graduates: Dating Younger Men

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Feb 18, 2019.

  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I’ve only been back on the dating market for a couple weeks and it has mostly just been a lot of back and forth, even just for sex. And like Squad Members, @ControlledXaos and @RolandG, have discussed as well, there’s a constantly shifting high bar to reach with these men nowadays, especially around our age.

    I’m already back to my old habit of approaching the ‘easier to please’ young menz.

    [​IMG]

    Unlike the overly picky, “just hanging out,” slow texting, next best thing seeking, older guys I’ve been meeting….the bathroom-selfie youngins (more often than not) have free time, text back quickly, don’t silently judge me for not being ATL rich with an 8-bedroom suburban home and BMW/Benz in the 4-car garage, and they are much clearer in their intentions (aka less ambiguity): Hookups and/or Puppy Love.

    When a gay man approaches another gay man their age, it can be filled with tons of ambiguity and mixed signals. Are they meeting to be homeboys, hang out buddies, sex partners, friends with benefits, dating, companionship, etc…And no one ever says what they are REALLY looking for, just what they think the other person wants to hear to either curb their expectations or to keep them around and on the hook.

    When an older gay man approaches a young gay man, they both know exactly what’s up: He wants sex, companionship or both. And the younger guy will usually let him know if he’s interested in the first 30 seconds of the approach.

    [​IMG]

    A successful 40-year-old gay man is never looking to “just be friends” with a new 28 to 30-year-old gay man that they meet. Ever. If they happen to become “just friends” eventually, that is usually because the one of the men attempted his shot and the other dude kept him around after the outcome…or they were both already a part of a larger group of gays that co-mingle, so they became friends by association.

    So, in my experience, it makes the entire process of approaching a guy more efficient and clear, much like when men and women meet at bars and clubs. When a handsome single straight man approaches a single woman at a bar, in no universe do either one of them think they are meeting to "just be friends."

    I believe a similar unspoken dynamic happens when there is an age gap between gay men.

    [​IMG]

    Will being with any of these retail job holding twinks lead to something serious or long term, doubtful. They can be just as flakey and inconsistent as all other gays, if not more so...but at least it’s less work, I know what I’m getting into and they haven’t yet been trained by other gays on how to waste everyone’s time.

    And who knows, maybe it can lead to something serious. Cypher Avenue's own @OckyDub was only 32 when he met his older partner, and 10 years later, they are still together to this day.

    If an older guy could pull and keep someone like Ocky and Derrick Gordon, maybe there there’s hope for all of the rest of us Mr. Robinson’s too.

     
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  2. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    Dating old men...You mean like 50 year olds and up...Old people still have sex??? Thought they just went on senior cruises and worked in their front yards all day and tell outdated stories from the 60s and 70s..., "Well, back in my day we used to..." Lmao.

    Just kidding.

    Idk how I feel about this. I'm still iffy with older white men. The guy that Deron is dating and all that. I shouldn't be so judgemental thinking that white dudes liking younger black dudes come off fetishisim of something. Them rich dudes.

    I remember when I lived in Houston, this much older man liked me. I turned him down a lot. He offered me money. I remember all my past friends calling me stupid for not getting a sugar daddy. He was black though. I don't think he's alive tho.

    Me personally. I don't want to make it to 40 and liking 20 year olds. The only reason this topic makes me roll my eyes is because of one of my college professors who was probably 60...and on the DL. Had a wife and everything. He tried numerous times to get at me, ask for pictures to jack off too. It was highly uncomfortable but this topic is pretty much different in a way.

    It is strange and something to think about. After all Idris is older and fine af. I'd def fall into his lap. I like him mostly cause he gives off that refined gentleman vibe but is probably nasty as hell behind closed doors.. George Clooney aged well too...It's definitely some nice looking daddies (can't believe I said that..) out there. Seasoned peen.
     
  3. ControlledXaos

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    Better you than me.

    I just don't have time for young cats.

    I have been hit up by them on apps but, in the back of my mind I'm thinking.... I know I'm getting into daddy classification and I'm okay with that, but I'm not generous. I don't have 'body'. And all I would want from these guys is some good good. Which is fine if that is all they want from me so that would make thing mutually agreeable. However, the generation gap does have some cultural and experience differences that would cause a mismatch and make dating a constant learning lesson. You learning stuff from them and you teaching them stuff.

    I can barely figure out how to put on a SnapChat filter. These guys don't have patience for me I don't think, and I don't think I do for them. I'm on Xbox and most of them have PS4 and Switch. I have full time job so my weekends are free. Oh you gotta stock on Friday night? You're closing on Saturday night? You're covering KayKay's shift Sunday afternoon? But are free all day Tuesday? Oh, ok. Well I'll holla.

    Honestly, I have not been too confident until recently because most of my hang ups revolve around my physical appearance, mainly weight. Yeah yeah, I get that I'm considered thick and swole and that is alright but mofos want abs. Ok, maybe they will settle for a tummy, but at the end of the day, a flat stomach is what's poppin'. And after this last weekend, seeing a group of gays 'our age' running around with decently flat stomachs, crazy abs, and track star obliques, even after I was encouraged to and did take off my shirt among the tribe of them, (maybe they'll be a thread about that later, maybe not) I still felt a tad self conscious, even after getting a few compliments. Again, this is a hang up I admit to and work on and I may never be 100 percent happy with it but I don't think I need to go on someone's couch to talk about it. At least not for that issue out the greater scheme of things I could be on somebody couch for.

    Back on track...so when 40+ guys are running out here looking like they 32 with 26 year old bodies, and I'm over here feeling like Jabari the Hut, why on earth would someone actually 26, who I could chronologically be their daddy, want anything to do with me? I feel like I can barely compete in my own demo, let alone THAT demographic.

    One thing that being in a gay mecca has taught me is that the bar is HIGH for physical appearance. Way higher than what I came from and I understand now more than ever why these fellas are so adamant about masc 4 masc, fit 4 fit, and etc because they probably had to work so hard to get a golden ticket into the door themselves or they stressed the freak out because they can't eat the deep-dish pizza and cheesecake they really desire so they can stay within the gates.

    The other stuff.... fancy titled job, lux brands, and such ain't me. Even if I was making 80k a year, you'd still see me in my Levi's and Target brand t-shirts, eating at the hole in the wall wing joint, and trying to find a hotel with a free breaffus for vacations. I'll go one up and get an Air BnB though. lol

    edit for readability
     
    #3 ControlledXaos, Feb 18, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019
  4. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    At first I kinda felt like this post was generalizing until this paragraph acknowledgment.

    FYI...for folk, me and my dude have a 10 yr age difference.
     
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  5. machoBLKnerd

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    when i was in my 20s i dated older mostly (avg: 5 yrs). now that i'm in my 30's i date younger (avg 6-8 yrs). i dont give it too much thought generally and i dont target. it's just worked for me that way.

    i do know that i have a savior's complex which i've been working on both in friendships and in romance. i have to stop making others my projects. but if i had to choose as a hypothetical (and false) choice btwn younger and impressionable and older and jaded, i'd take the former over the latter everytime. sincerity is hugely important to me that i've been willing to overlook a lot of things for it and i find it more often in my younger dating connections than more seasoned dudes who've often hardened a bit.

    that said, i would date anyone within a 10 yrs older or younger range.
     
    #5 machoBLKnerd, Feb 18, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019
  6. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Not to turn the thread into a gripe session, but many of the reasons stated here are why I've had to re-open my option of approaching younger guys (for me that means anything under 34).

    In addition to the obvious sex component...Part of me does understand the social gays who want to find someone "equally yoked" that they are mutually attracted to, so I do still prefer the men my age, even those that post IG pics of themselves traveling with their designer carry-on bags. But a big part of me wants to just be a boring lesbian couple and find someone to do local events, rotating activities and binge watch shows with. And the younger guys seem to be more game for this upfront, rather than jumping through the hoops that these other ATL gays with "status" and "standards" seem to make us endure.

    Don't get me wrong, younger guys are full of their dating headaches as well. I know I was a mess when I was even as old as 32, juggling upwards of 4-5 different guys at one point (many of them were just Mario Smash Bros tho).
     
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  7. ControlledXaos

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    This is where I am and have been for a while. When I was younger, say 26, 22 would be OK. Anyone still in college was only for hooking up then. I'd go up to 56 now and no younger than 32.
     
  8. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    This is where I am with the older dudes I've been meeting. Many of them just want to drink. At their crib, at my crib, doesn't matter. Just as long as there is alcohol. Oh, I want to meet at a bar? In public? Suddenly they're busy.

    This is true. But this year alone I've seen nothing but men 35 and up that work M-F then go to gym, hang out w their friends all day and night on Saturday, go to church or brunch on Sunday so they are only free between 3pm and 4:30pm because they have to do laundry and prep for work on Monday. Yet they are supposedly seriously looking for a LTR. Nikka, you don't have time for one!
     
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  9. SB3

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    For me, this makes sense once you're a certain age. However, at 36, I don't trust anyone 20whatever to be looking for what I am. A smash is one thing, but that's where I alrdy have the buck planned to stop. Obvs not saying a 28yo can't be mature and relationship oriented, but I'm a pessimist and not holding my breath for them to not be inconsistent. And that's ok, because they're young and SHOULD be figuring out exactly what they want. I just think crossing 30 (mentally, at least) forces you to realize that you start to have to be more accountable and have less cushion.

    Idk, I'm also the kind of person who has accepted that he very well could be single for life, and has accepted that. So, I'm not as 'malleable' as some.
     
  10. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    You would think. I don't really see this in Atlanta though.

    My theory is a lot of guys (myself including) are always chasing an experience from the past. We want a new dude to fill in for the old dude and the overall experience/memory of that time we shared in the past. So when they get the first whiff that the new dude won't fill those shoes, they move the goal post or get distant to keep searching. I've been guilty of this at times post 30-yrs-old.
     
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  11. RolandG

    Bae Material Squad Leader The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

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    EVERY gay dude claims to spend an abnormally large part of their outside of work time with their homies in the streets. I just think that gay dudes want to be thought of as being popular and having lots of friends thus it seems cool to always be "busy" hanging with friends and not having time to go on a date. The reality is most gay dudes I know, have very few true friends. Take away the instagram/Facebook/snapchat friends and they don't have much of a circle. That's why I think most dudes are so addicted to apps and social media because it gives them a sense of being busy and have friends yet these friends probably wouldn't come pick them up in the middle of the night if their car broke down. It's a sign of maturity to be able to separate one's self from family and friends in order to develop a relationship. I don't mean completely ghosting people you've known your entire life but definitely letting them know that, hey, i've met this cool dude who seems to be into me and me into him so I wanna spend some time getting to know this dude. Anytime I meet a dude and I ask him once or twice to hang out and he replies that is he's going out with his friends but he doesn't suggest an alternate time, I bounce. He's not reached a certain maturation level for a relationship in my opinion. I've said it before but it's worth repeating. If all Apps and social media disappeared for six months, a lot of gay men would go bonkers because they wouldn't know how to fill that time with meaningful dialogue with people, let alone actually going OUT and meeting people. I suspect a lot of mental issues would come to the forefront in our community without the drug known as social media.
     
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  12. SB3

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    Yea, I know it's a generalization, but I at least EXPECT it from 20 somethings.

    As for your theory, interesting. And I can see it. Especially considering that so many gay men have such little relationship experience to draw on, so it'd make sense for them to constantly try to follow a formula.

    I CAN at least say it's not MY issue, thankfully. I TOO often find myself trying to make fetch happen when I'm just not as interested in someone as I wana be, or as they are in me.
     
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  13. SB3

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    Another thing I just thought of is, not only do I tend to date older based on my expectations of them to be more consistent (i know, age really aint shyt but a number sometimes..), but I also associate them w being more masculine. Again, (I know..), I feel like soo many younger guys who aren't even 'naturally' fem, end up playing fem because in their minds, they're just out 'being gay'. It's like sooo many of them associate fem w gay. Older guys are usually less caught up w keke-ing w their 'girlfriends'. Though, I could imagine this is probably A LOT less common in a place like ATL where queendom rules. So yea, there's that...
     
  14. RolandG

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    Age ain't got nothing to do with it. I've been to sports bars here filled with older gays and the shade throwing and inappropriate sexual comments ran rampant. If anything, it can be worse because most feel that if they don't have a man by a certain age then they probably won't get one so why not keke with their friends and roast other people indiscriminately.
     
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  15. OckyDub

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    100dap
     
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  16. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    also....100dap
     
  17. ControlledXaos

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    Meanwhile there are people like me who don't have any one they hang out with on the regular. So if I meet someone I'm super available because I spend my free time either playing video games or running my side hustle. So I have to consider being too "on demand" because of my free time.

    I can understand wanting to be with one's crew. However I'm sure that these locals have their group chats so it's not like they are not already constantly communicating anyway and it won't kill one member of Destiny's Child to miss brunch one Sunday to go out with someone to date.

    I know many guys always saying that they are bored..Well most of the time it's because they won't do anything out of their little box of stuff they always do every week. If these guys stepped out of their boxes and tried something different to do on Groupon, they'd find new hobbies that don't revolve around drinking and maybe someone to date. There's absolutely nothing wrong with alcohol but I think too many people have associated it with Having Fun.

    Every gay man doesn't have to live like they are a Housewife or on Sex in the City. Hell none of the housewives are even real friends anyway..they Only hang out with each other because of contractual agreements.
     
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  18. Apollo

    Apollo Enemy of the Status Quo

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    I seem to get that a lot. They don't want to meet in public. It's either has to be at my place or theirs. When I say lets meet up somewhere, they go silent. So nothing ends up happening. Sometimes there are some dudes willing to meet up somewhere in public. I'm not sure if this is an age thing. Maybe the younger dudes are more "out of the closet" and willing to meet in public than older guys?

    Where are you meeting these guys? The clubs/bars, apps? For me personally, lately I haven't been going to the clubs/bars. So, I'm trying to figure out where else can you meet some cool dudes to date?

    I prefer to stay within the 10 year age range.
     
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  19. Winston Smith

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    Get in where you fit in. I’ve referenced Bayard Rustin and Walter Neagle a few times on this site as an extreme example of a couple that believed in the Aaliyah principle. I get the feeling, Nick, you have some other age issues you need to address. 50-year-old Dustin Hoffman films about cougars is a pretty sad thing for someone of your stature to compare oneself to (but still a great soundtrack lol)



    Jesus Christ, why’d my parents even go the cinema back then, trailers gave away the whole damned movie! Lol
     
  20. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    1st. I had to look up Mr (Ms) Robinson and The Graduate.
    2nd. @Nick Delmacy , them young kats you attracted to will have no clue to the reference. I'm old and I didn't. :mjgrin:

    3rd. Again @Nick Delmacy I also don't know the first two gif film references either. Help a brotha out.:smugdon:

    4th. I have to write a whole post due to analysis of the comments; specifically @ControlledXaos and where my thoughts went to after reading his 1st comment. Interestingly enough, I already had the future post in mind before the comment.

    5th. [​IMG]
    After looking up The Graduate, how did I instinctively know @Rico was gonna post a clip?

    6th. I do feel I have to somewhat defend @Nick Delmacy against @Rico 's comment,
    "Nick, you have some other age issues you need to address."

    I used to think this as well. Having known him for years, I no longer think this. I think its gay (Black) culture issues and mind sets gay dudes have that he (we) don't have control over which is (his / our) problem.

    I feel like no one is gonna turn down a dude they click with on multiples levels - lets say if they meet the 80% rule - regardless if the dude is 26 or 56.

    That being said, many people (male and female) like being with those younger because it makes them feel youthful.
     
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  21. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    When I came up with the title, I literally thought to myself, "@Rico will be the only one to get this reference."

    I don't have any age issues. At least not one that is illegal (R. Kelly, Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer) or one that desires young trophies to make myself seem youthful (Donald Trump). However I do recognize the reality in the gay community that men of a certain age are valued less in the community, especially when it comes to dating.

    Admittedly, I do like attractive young men. But I like men in general, have dated (or attempted to date) men of various ages.

    It wasn't until guys on this site (also in Atlanta) started saying some of the same grievances I had with trying to date men my age here, that I realized my issues with them weren't some subconscious Peter Pan Syndrome self-sabotaging potential matches. As hard as I act on the site, I'm a soft nikka who just wants to be loved. IS THAT SO WRONG?!?!

     
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  22. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    It's a good movie, check it out.

    Another benefit to being the elder, I can share things with them. And they can explain that BET "Boomerang" reboot to me.

    Its a Trinidad & Tobago film called, "Play The Devil."



    Yeah his comment reminded me that this isn't a 'one size fits all' issue. I have insecurities like everyone else but a lot of mine are mountains out of molehills (ie: a little grown man stomach pudge and nerd interests). When I complain on the site I always wonder if other dudes are like:



    Yup. I saw it coming too. LOL


    [​IMG]

    Yeah this dating shit is a mess now, much more so than it was 10 years ago. It's a mess in Atlanta and it was a different kind of mess in Los Angeles. So I really do believe that my midwestern sensibilities would do better in a non-gay fab city.

    I met up with a masculine 27-year-old truck driver today. He lives alone, has two jobs, had his dirty work clothes on, dirty fingernails and was smoking Newports. In a 2 hour convo, he once never mentioned a Diva. Cig smoking aside, I was turned all the way on. Most ATL gays would call him "The Help" and look down on his job and age but I just saw him as a regular guy who likes men. Which, surprisingly, is rare in this city.

    Might not lead to anything but was still refreshing.

    You've been out of the game for some time but believe it or not, in Atlanta, dudes WILL reject you for not being 95-100% of what they are looking for...if not a full rejection, they will string you along with random texts and promises to eventually meet up as they keep looking for that 100% dude they will never meet...and if they do meet him, that dude will string him along too as he searches for his own 100% dude.
     
  23. Winston Smith

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    Well, as long as you referenced “The Graduate” I know you’re okay. Any other classic movie from that era and, uh, I’d be worried lol
     
  24. SB3

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    I knew the reference when I first read it, and I've never even seen the film.

    But yea, I think the disposable income many gay men have in lieu of kids has them caught up in trying to be a part of a gay status couple.
     
    ControlledXaos and Winston Smith dapped this.
  25. thane

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    uh, Mrs Robertson was the mother of the girl Dustin H. was chasing in the movie, it might not be the ideal movie to use in this case. The gay version, in the spirit of the movie would be a biological dad making a move and sleeping with his gay sons bf...ewww!

    ....yes i'm old enuff to get the ref and to have seen the movie, even tho i will hasten to add, it really was ....way...way... before my time.
     
  26. Winston Smith

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    Younger squad ain’t missing much. It’s one of those movies of my parents generation that was cutting edge because of subject matter at the time but hadn’t aged well, like “Guess Who’’s Coming to Dinner”.

    Wasn’t the gay version “Call Me By Your Name”?
     
    thane dapped this.
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