Never Thought It Would Be Me

I had a very rude awakening two weeks ago today. I am very self-aware, knowledgeable about random shit, and a pretty smart guy, and I just KNEW what was going on with me these last few months as I've struggled in my doctoral program.

I haven't been able to focus or pay attention worth crap lately. Although this has been a recurring issue throughout life, over the last few months it has become debilitating. According to my own reasoning, my inability to focus and complete my work, gave me a LOT of anxiety and eventually, I'd end up depressed. I thought I had ADHD. I did all the research, went through tons of assessments, saw a psychologist and paid a nice bit of change to finally get a diagnosis. I got the diagnosis I thought I needed, but when I went to see the black lady psychiatrist, she said, "I'm not going to treat you for ADHD. I think there's something more there."

I was frustrated and she could tell.

As we continue on, I'm stuck on this ADHD thing and she's just taking notes, asking questions, and extracting stuff from me that I had buried away for years. "Oh you have a little PTSD going on," she said. Then casually, she says, "You have bipolar disorder, it's mild, but that's what I'm going to treat you for."

I did not wrap my head around what she said until I got home and started doing my research. I was more frustrated at not having ADHD than being upset with the diagnosis I actually got. Then when I started to read and process what bipolar disorder was, and as I reflected, I became relieved to finally have an answer to what was going on with me. But that soon gave way to mourning the fact that I've been dealing with this for now 21 years, and I'm JUST realizing it. I had my first depressive episode my freshman year of college and it lasted the entire fall semester. But I was clueless as to what was going then.

On the flip side of the depressive state, there's the manic side of bipolar. I technically have bipolar 2, which means that I suffer from hypomania, as opposed to all out mania. This basically means that my symptoms are much more mild and subtle. But one symptom of the manic side that is not mild or subtle to me is hypersexuality. While I thought I was just SUPER horny ALL THE TIME, and while I will never disclose how "tongue in cheek" some of my sexual experiences have been, how much I've jacked off, and how much porn i look at, I now understand that this ridiculous sex drive is driven by the manic side of bipolar disorder. Also the speeding, being verbally abusive if someone "sets me off" and all the creative projects I completed in the middle of the night were also signs of manic episodes that i would not have attributed to anything had I not gotten a diagnosis.

I am still adjusting to the idea that I have this disorder, ESP after always hearing about it and even knowing a couple folks with it, but not having a full understanding of it. One thing life has taught is that you can never judge a book by a cover AND that you never really know what is going on with a person or what a person is dealing with. I don't look like I have issues, and my life has been lived as such. I have 4 degrees already, have had success in my career, and worked my dream job. Nevertheless, I find myself among a category of people whom I'm even guilty of looking at "differently."

Well, I am different...and always knew I was, but not in this way. I still have my moments of sadness because this is all still fresh, but I've accepted my diagnosis, and I AM GETTING TREATED! Thankfully, the black lady shrink started me on a drug that has caused almost no side effects and began working the first day! Because I am industrious and determined to get/be better I've been able to get care through more than one provider, despite not having health insurance right now. And I have been blessed to have a great committee chair for my dissertation, and supportive and understanding professors in my program.

I am EXTREMELY private, but I've needed a form of catharsis since I've been diagnosed and Cypher Ave came to mind as the place for that. (Thanks Nick and Ocky again for establishing this platform for us.) I appreciate y'all for allowing me to share and thank you for reading. Despite being private, I am open about my life's experiences when asked. If you have questions, wanna talk or just need some reassurance, hit me up.

Here are a couple resources. I like this lady.

 

The brain is both complex and simple all at the same time, it seems. The thing about mental health is that so much shit runs together and overlaps. It makes trying to diagnose complicated sometimes, esp when there are "subconscious conditions" lingering around.