Out at Work

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by jusrawb, Aug 8, 2018.

?

Are you out at work ?

Poll closed Aug 13, 2018.
  1. Yes

    11.8%
  2. No

    58.8%
  3. Yes but not to everyone

    23.5%
  4. Hasn't come up but would say yes if asked

    17.6%
Multiple votes are allowed.
  1. jusrawb

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    What's going on CA fam. I wanted to have a discussion and see what other people thought about being Out at work or not. I'm currently not Out at my job because I've witness the gossip, how judgmental and messy people are here. Though they preach inclusion for all, we all know it's just to be politically correct and to avoid HR problems. I can honestly care less what others may say about me but my main issue is I don't want someone's personal issues with gay people, hold me back from advancing in my career. I've seen people not be considered for a position based on something unrelated to their ability to do the job. I say all of that but I will probably tell the coworkers I become close with because of the personal conversations and hanging out outside of work. I just hate when people find out and they start treating you different and feel as though they have to walk on eggs shells not to say or do anything offensive.

    Are you Out at work? what has your experience been like ?
     
  2. Nick Delmacy

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    I’m a freelancer so every 3-6 months I’m working with new people or in a new office. I have no desire to have that conversation with every new client and their staff. Especially the Black ones...

    What’s really annoying is when there are Black women and/or fem Gay men working with me, it becomes a constant game of them trying to find out if I’m straight or gay by asking poorly veiled questions.
     
  3. Winston Smith

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    I’m of the mind that you’re at work to work. Conversations that fuck with your money and income are unnecessary, including questions about your social life. You don’t have an obligation to disclose shit about yourself to anyone, regardless of subject. If being in or out is a necessary conversation between you and the person who signs or authorizes your checks, have at it. Otherwise, let your coworkers get their gossip fill from TMZ reruns, not your work life.
     
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  4. acessential

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    I work overseas with the govt and the community is small, so everyone knows about each other's personal lives to some extent. It doesn't bother me. Plus my partner is here as well, so it's not like I could deny him even if I wanted. Everyone is pretty open due to the nature of the work. But if they're not, they keep it to themselves.
     
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  5. DreG

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    People like this are a special kind of draining. Vague questions get vague answers from me.
     
  6. DreG

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    I've never liked people too much in my business.I'm pretty private.

    And with certain employers and work environments, some people probably have to be careful. Racism has become more subtle ,and I think homophobia can be too. Maybe your superiors,or potential employers can't outright call you a fag,but they can set up roadblocks and try to justify them with loopholes,so some people probably do better to keep it a secret.
     
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  7. BlackguyExecutive

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    I have been out at work, but my last two jobs have been in the federal government, first the military and second the foreign service. Both those positions have strong family components. So I’ve been out at work for at least six years. However, before the repeal of DADT, I was only unofficially out. I had a few buddies on my FB who put two and two together. However, being out work is not protected in 35 states so I would indeed read up on workplace protections before outing myself at work. Don't mess up your bag
     
    #7 BlackguyExecutive, Aug 8, 2018
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  8. OckyDub

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    My non-"living in my truth, it gets better, # hashtag, politically incorrect" answer.

    Don't come out under no circumstances specifically in your current place of employment. Maybe at your next company that me be legit "all inclusive" you can but not there.

    You've already given reasons why you shouldn't and you need to trust your judgement and instinct. I was cool with co-workers and told them but now that I don't work with them any more, I wish I hadn't. Live and learn. At my current j.o.b., I'm very outgoing but very guarded and private. I'm now a Black man who is cunning and strategic in my dance. This comes from years of experience. This is easier at large corporations than at smaller ones. I don't even get to learn co-workers names now. I 'm stellar performer, and get recognized by people that matter who will not even ask those questions because of their professionalism.

    Now I have come out to a few peeps at my current job. 2 were white male managers. 1 was gay (by way of gaydar) and the other was not. My sexuality came out organically in private conversation. Example..."oh yeah? Me and my partner went their once to go fishing."

    2 Black females. 1 was my temporary manager (again organically in private conversation but other people over heard) the other was in leadership and was stunned and may have shared. Nonetheless had 3 bomb conversations later on. Dope chick.

    The department I currently work in is 572% gay; sorry, gender queer fluid. Loud conversations about damn near everything is had in the open. I just wish I could see the stage that they're always performing on.
     
    #8 OckyDub, Aug 9, 2018
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  9. OckyDub

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    ...wait... @jusrawb you're in Virginia? You betta keep that shit to yourself and keep it movin.
     
  10. SB3

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    Obviously a little different for me...but even still, only a few ppl know. You'd think the fact that I haven't brought a female there in all of these years might have tipped them off...smh.
     
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  11. Apollo

    Apollo Enemy of the Status Quo

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    It depends on where I work. I also do the 3-6 months contract work right now so most of the time no. Sometimes I do get asked "do you have a girlfriend?" I just reply "No, I don't" and nothing more. I do wonder why they ask? Do they want to hook me up with their daughter or someone in the office? One female manager mentioned a few times that "one day you'll find a nice girl to date." Sometimes, I also get those veiled questions.

    When I worked at the University, half the dudes in the department where gay. I saw one dude at the club from time to time, so he knew. And he was out at work. He was actually cool. He would have made a cool friend. This other dude I played in the gay softball league with his ex, So I was out to them. I'm not sure who else knew, but I didn't care that much who knew while working there. They would have been fine with it. So it does depend on the work culture/environment.

    But this other assignment I worked at, this one guy knew. I forget how he found out. I think I might have said something by mistake. And it almost became him sexually harrasing me. So I would say in general, No, I'm not out at work.
     
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  12. ControlledXaos

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    I'm not sure if I would say volunteer the information. TBH, it would not affect my ability to move up because there's not many opportunities for that at my company's personnel level anyway. I'm not sure if I would start out with letting people know at my next place. Starting out with it seems easier than doing it later. However of the many reasons why I don't connect with Co workers on social media is that I'm pretty open on IG and FB. And I try to avoid work drama and gossip.

    It's really should not be an issue but people make it an issue.
     
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  13. Essenceworldwide

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    If people ask, sure I tell them. But I drive for Uber so the question doesn't come up much
     
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  14. Lancer

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    No, I am not at work. Personally, I do not think its any of their business. I hardly discuss anything personal at work. We might grab a bite after work, however I keep the topics very light and superficial. I feel there should be a Chinese wall between work and the personal. Does the fact that I am attracted to guys play a role in my decision? Maybe.
     
  15. Nick Delmacy

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    Just today the project leader at my job treated the whole team out to lunch. All Black people. Very casual work atmosphere. The whole time they teased one of the women about being attracted to the (handsome) Black male server. Then they started discussing dating and who’s attractive in the media, etc. If I had/have the “I’m Gay” conversation I have no doubt that they would be doing the same to me. There’s almost nothing more awkward than straight Black people in a group asking “the gay guy” if you think a specific man is attractive.
     
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  16. SB3

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    Interestingly, if you're a masc/surprise gay guy, I find that a lot of black ppl still have a hard time wrapping their minds around it, so those types of convos don't really come up. It's like being in on a secret to them, so they treat it as such, even (prob more like, at least) when talking to you lol. It's like, 'this black dude I work w is gay, but he not GAY gay'. You being some weird, mutant compared to what they associate with gay, renders them completely clueless on how to communicate with you about anything gay related.

    I remember 2 old coworker friends (str8 blks who I had hooked up, playing matchmaker) were going out one night, and some gays were going out and trying to drag me to some bar. Since I always hung w the blks, I said I'd go w the gays that night, and my homie KEPT trying to convince me to go w the blks and the female had to remind him that I was gay and did str8 shit w them ALL the time. It's like the gay part becomes an asterisk if you're masc.
     
    #16 SB3, Aug 10, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 10, 2018
  17. DreG

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    This is how my best friend was for the longest time after I told her. When I'd say something about a guy being attractive she'd be momentarily thrown off balance. She said it was because I "don't do anything gay",and I'm like,I'm into dudes .That's gay enough. *shrug* She probably called me a smart ass,as usual,after that.
     
  18. Nick Delmacy

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    Yeah this is also true...but I'm not Out to them officially so there are always the people who suspect heavily and pretend like they are cool with it in front of you but then talk shit and crack "fudge packer" and "pillow biter" and "legs up in the air" jokes behind your back. Especially if you haven't broadcasted it but they suspect and think you are closeted. So there's a lot of sly comments and snickering so they can get fodder for their private homophobic jokes later....they def try to set you up. Like I said before, gay animals in a zoo.

    But this could just be my experience though, everyone is different.
     
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  19. SB3

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    I completely get why you wouldn't bother 'coming out' every 3/6 months, but what makes you so certain that there's such a big bag of derogatory jokes waiting for you? Legit question. Is it based on the experiences of others that you've observed in your work spaces?
     
  20. Nick Delmacy

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    Really it comes from observing them (and others) when around Out fem gay co-workers. Sly gay jokes that the dudes are in on but then there are a few gay jokes behind their backs as well. Kinda like when you're at the Barbershop and they make gay jokes b/c they think no one in the shop at the time could possibly be gay...
     
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  21. SB3

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    See... The way my anger is setup..
     
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  22. ControlledXaos

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    Well my whole department is straight except me. 16 people. 1 black chick, 2 Latinos, 4 black dudes. Everyone else is white.

    While there hasn't been any out right gay jokes, there's been some "that's what SHE said" type of things. I kinda played into it when few times where I have said "trust me, I'm NOT looking at X like that." usually something that people would say "no homo" at the end of.

    I'm probably the most buff person in my department so they probably wouldn't dare say anything with in ear shot but really no one in my department talks about gays. They are too xboxed and animed out to bother.
     
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  23. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    I just remembered another way I let my sexuality come out organically at my old job.

    It was two FedEx workers who came to the front desk with packages and one of them happened to be mine. A co-worker was covering for the receptionist who was out. She called me and told me my package was up there. When I got there the FedEx dudes were getting ready to get on the elevator and leave. I got my package and dipped but as soon as I heard them get on the elevator and leave; I went back out there and said to the Black chick, whom I was cool with but hadn't revealed my sexuality to before hand; "them ni**as was sexy as hell". They really did look like Black Men's Magazine models / exotic dancers. She looked at me and smiled and said, "they sholl-was". We laughed and I went back in the office.
     
    #23 OckyDub, Aug 11, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2018
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  24. Nick Delmacy

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    Yeah it really comes down to what type of environment you work in. Even though I mostly work with creative people, they are all still messy and southern religious and gossipers. We literally have a place called "The Shade Room" where they are constantly throwing jabs at anyone that enters. They're exhausting at times.

    Just last week my client's client came to visit the office. This is the liaison for the company that hired the company who hired me. The project leader introduced me to him (a handsome black man) by "shading me" in front of the room as a joke. I had to immediatley jump in and say, "Wow, he shaded me at hello. When they go low, I go high. Good to meet you, sir." Everyone laughed and moved on but it let me know everything I needed to about the environment.
     
  25. Winston Smith

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    Do you think that’s a function of age, or is it multigenerational? Going by your description, I acted like your coworkers back in my 20s but now I don’t have the time for any foolishness on the job, regardless of sexuality. The other problem with too much joking in that context is that it can easily go south; pick the wrong person, wrong time, say the wrong joke, everyone is in HR trying to explain how it wasn’t harassment.
     
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  26. Nick Delmacy

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    This damn thread is close to hitting second page status and @jusrawb ain't even been back to the site since he made the original post

    Twitter-So-Stevie-Wonder-can-get-the-264cab.png
     
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  27. Jai

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    Out at work. I mean I have nothing to be out about to be honest...I keep to myself...and I mean that. I do my work, check the progrs, write the reports and go home.

    What would really Fawk them up though is if I told them that I'm Gray-Ace...they'd probably start foaming at the mouth and thinking it must be because of religious beliefs or some other mess.

    I had one manager mention that I'm too quiet and I'm.just looking at him to leave me the hell alone and let me do my work. I know how messy folks are and how they like to talk and get in your business and so I speak to the few people and go about my business.

    Past jobs to me seem like High School for adults..They all still messy.

    Even so, my job environment nis pretty gay friendly anyways.
     
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  28. Winston Smith

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    Yeah, we could do a whole separate thread on just being a black male at work, gay or straight. While I’m loquacious on these boards, irl I’m pretty tight lipped, so for those coworkers who need cue cards:

    * I’m not here to be your “cool black friend” so don’t unnecessarily engage me with all your curious questions about sports, hip hop, stereotypical black culture, food, or dancing (if we develop a natural rapport and these topics come up, of course that’s different)

    * I might be an introvert so give me my space, I’m here to work not entertain, gossip, or be your pro bono armchair therapist.

    * Stop interpreting my quietness as a black male other than it being quietness. Quiet black males are often told they are not “friendly” “talkative” or “outgoing” enough, or at worst they think you’re at your desk working on a “Kill Whitey” manifesto because a black man not sharing every thought in his head somehow is threatening (on one job I told everyone I was a Buddhist/Taoist so they wouldn’t fuck with me being quiet)

    My boss says I’m not friendly enough. | SLTA___
     
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  29. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
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    It's really something and I never thought about it like they would find a black male who is quiet, threatening. Interesting. It makes sense too. When I first moved to a new department in the building, folks were wondering why I didn't speak and join in with them in their chats and gossip.

    I had one boss who was black as well but he was as you know talkative and I hated when we had meetings and he would pick a random person to say something and he'd pick me knowing I don't even speak and I'm like...wtf... Stop putting me on the spot...lol

    It was me and an Asian guy. We never really spoke to anyone. We just came in, did our work and that was it.

    The only plus if I can call it that is I am located near the University and I get to see the football players and let me tell you...when I do peep them...They are some big built motha fawkers.

    I don't like football, I'm more of a cosmology nerd and stuff like that but aside from that, and back on the subject..There are several out men at my job...some of them way out.

    I can tell about others..I thouhth it was funny that I had a feeling this guy was gay...Gay Spidey senses but he wasn't my type and I looked at him and I'm like, he's gay, which should be obvious by those skin tight pants. Haha

    For some reason he thought I wanted him and hit me up later on Jack'd saying...We always looking at each other...

    And I'm just like..Ummmmm.

    I also had a gay white guy who was in my department and he was so damn annoying...just extra and loud and he openly talked about his boyfriend.

    I remember one time he moved from his space close to mine and I saw him coming and I felt like Brenda from Scary Movie 2...I was in my head like..please don't let him bring his a$$ over here...please!!

    And I think I'm going to start saying I'm Buddhist/Taoist...lol
     
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  30. jusrawb

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    Yea I live in VA and you definitely got a point. Keeping it to myself until I get into a more secured position.
     
  31. jusrawb

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    I agree being a black man at work is another thread in itself. I think we often times just become numb to it all
     
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  32. jusrawb

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    Dating:
    In a Relationship

    :dafuq3: I really forgot I made the post until I logged back in and seen all this activity
     
  33. jusrawb

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2015
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    295
    Daps Received:
    460
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    VA
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    In a Relationship

    See this is how I prefer to come out, just very casually. Every time I have in the pass it felt like Lebron James making the decision to south beach but its always a good outcome.
     
  34. jusrawb

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2015
    Messages:
    295
    Daps Received:
    460
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    VA
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    In a Relationship
    16 people, you can't be the only gay person. Somebody at least is bi, statically speaking of course lol
     
  35. jusrawb

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2015
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    295
    Daps Received:
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    Gender:
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    Location:
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    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
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    I personally dont think its anyone's business either but when your at a job for a long period you start to build real relationships. I agree there should be a wall between personal and work but the wall never last seems like.
     

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