Relationship Sex (Condom or Raw)

Discussion in 'Sex and Adult' started by Austin MD, Feb 17, 2019.

  1. Austin MD

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    @takeyourmeds91 asked me a question during my story time if I was using condoms when I participated in sex with Dame and that made me think of this question. When you are in a committed relationship, when is the appropriate time to stop wearing a condom? (If ever?)

    In my last relationship with my ex-gf were together in total just under 2 years. I stopped wearing condoms 7/8 months in our relationship and she was on the pill the entire duration of our relationship. It was a discussion we had simply because I was sick of buying condoms when she’s on the pill and we were stable that if we did have a kid, we were responsible enough to raise it. With guys I wouldn’t know if we should ever have sex raw(irresponsible). Like I know a guy cannot get pregnant so obviously if you are in a monogamous (key word) relationship that get tested regularly is it ok to have condomless sex.

    Side note: I have not had this discussion with Dame as of yet because we really not official yet and again it took me and my last girl a substantial amount of time to get rid of the condom. This is just to see other people’s opinions.
     
    #1 Austin MD, Feb 17, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2019
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  2. ControlledXaos

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    It depends.

    I definitely say that there should be mutual trust and security before going this route. I'd say at least 1 year. Some people think they should use condoms all the time no matter what. I disagree if we're in a committed monogamous relationship, we should be able to experience each other with no boundaries.

    1 year is an arbitrary number. But I think that's enough time for most people to be locked in. But if a person is going to step out, nothing is going to stop them. And you can step out and still not catch anything from someone. So you really have to have some understanding and trust for this step IMO. As black men we're more likely to acquire HIV and that's the main STD people are worried about. So we have to protect ourselves accordingly if we don't want to acquire it.
     
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  3. takeyourmeds91

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    I don't know that I need to set a "time until" necessarily. I think you should have spent enough time with that person to reasonably assess their character and have built that trust. That's very person-dependent though because for some it might take 6 months, for some 2 years, for others maybe they just don't have a good judge of character and are paranoid so they always use condoms lol.

    @Austin MD also brought up another thought inadvertently - is it reasonable for someone to be offended that their partner would request they both get tested every 3-6 months? Do you think this erodes trust?

    I personally wouldn't be offended but hey.
     
  4. Winston Smith

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    Considering the divorce rate and the number of STRAIGHT people that fuck around on spouses and partners, everyone gay or straight should be mature enough to discuss/get tests, etc.

    Once you hit 40, you’ll have a number of potential health issues you need to personally address even outside sexual orientation as a black man (prostate, hypertension, cholesterol, A1C, etc.), which naturally involves your SO. I think mature couples—-and I mean by psychology not age—-incorporate all matters of health discussion INTO the relationship not avoid it. Discussion and honesty makes it possible for relationships to last. It also makes it easier to date HIV+ dudes or be in a serodiscordant relationship as you know each other’s vitals (see Cookie Johnson or Bill T. Jones’s spouse). The boyfriend and I know each other’s medical ins and outs, which helps us to encourage each other with our personal health issues and makes the relationship stronger (i.e. he knows I’m on prep, my medical issues from military service, etc).

    Last night at Target, there was a young Asian couple in line before me and my boyfriend. SHE was buying the condoms and I noticed that after the purchase she then forthrightly handed the box to HIM. That was a young lady that knows and confronts shit!
     
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  5. takeyourmeds91

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    I love everything about this post.
     
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  6. @yahoo.com

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    I would not put a timeline on it. when it feels right, it will feel right. We have seen an up tick in HIV positive cases all over the country, and this is in light of there being PreP on the market, which I thought for sure would help the number decrease, but we are seeing them increase. I do not trust PreP and I have no problem wearing condoms when I have sex. It is normally the guys I am having sex with that has an issue with condoms. & they think just because the are on Prep (or say they are) I am susposed to just say "oh - perfect, now I can bust all in that ass" - u got the wrong one. I am going to wrap my cucumber up!
     
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  7. Krimsonic_

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    I think there’s no set deadline. Both partners need to be aware of the other’s desires, conversations need to be had, and STD tests taken. I feel like there has to be a level of reasonable trust and commitment going between both sides. I also feel like at end of the day you still have to take care of yourself. Even though I am in a committed relationship, I am on Prep. I prioritize my health above anything
     
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  8. Austin MD

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    This is some good info and insight. This thread actually opened the dialogue with me and Dame this evening. We talked about whenever we become officially official, we set up some ground rules about condoms, testing and if we should get on PREP (I must admit I’m hesitant on the last one). Again communication seems like the biggest part. With that everything else will fall into place.
     
  9. machoBLKnerd

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    where did you hear there's an uptick in hiv infections nationally and that it's likely tied to the introduction of prep into the market? while i'm not a user myself, i believe in prep's effectiveness. i dont think either of your statements is true. a lot of potentially dangerous myths are floating around the gay skies so i just want to verify if this one is accurate.

    have you heard this before from an empirical source, @takeyourmeds91?

     
    #9 machoBLKnerd, Feb 17, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2019
  10. @yahoo.com

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    Clarification: the rates are going up in this group, while other groups are experiencing declines. Here’s a receipt for you. Directly from a recent study done on this by the cdc. I would say - I overspoke and that increase is in one key group - with the heaviest influence, age 25 to 34.



    Here is the graph of numbers, again from the cdc.
    A945C3A5-B651-4C9C-B304-7B6DAC0579F8.png

    I support PreP. I’m just saying numbers are going in the wrong direction. Do your own homework around it. Here is the link to the full report from the cdc ... a group I would say is the authority on reporting for this issue.

    HIV and African American Gay and Bisexual Men | HIV by Group | HIV/AIDS | CDC
     
  11. machoBLKnerd

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    thank you for this clarification. i'm a researcher by profession focusing on issues surrounding blk and latino males, though not in health/medicine. your update rings a lot more true.

    based on the comparatively low rates of prep usage in poor communities and communities of color, significant increases in hiv infection among 23-34 yr old blk MSM cannot be tied to the introduction of prep, especially when rates for blk MSM overall have stabilized or declined. it's key that blk ppl are most concentrated in the south, the region which has the lowest rates of prep usage and the highest rate of new hiv infections. i know more ppl than ever b4 are getting tested and that should account for some of the increase in diagnoses, not necessarily different sexual behavior. i'd need to dig deeper to find out other causes but nothing so far suggests prep usage is a plausible cause of a 40% increase.

     
    #11 machoBLKnerd, Feb 18, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2019
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