Stigma Attached to Wanting to be in a Relationship

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by acessential, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. acessential

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    This is an interesting article that's been floating around my timeline.



    Here are my takeaways:

    1) I'm still a firm believer that the only person who can truly make you happy is yourself. You should never go into a relationship expecting the other person to complete you. That's a recipe for disaster and if the relationship ends, you're going to end up devastated because you feel like a part of you is literally missing.

    2) I understand the concept of "touch." But there are services nowadays where you can pay for a cuddle partner. I wonder if that could potentially eliminate some of the frustration single folks have.

    3) I think this article makes a good point about how even though we're a social species, single folks who voice frustrations with being single are automatically labeled "needy" and "not ready" to be in a relationship. You can be completely independent in every facet and still desire to be with someone. The idea that you need to "work on you" is a never ending journey so you'll never be completely "ready" for a partner.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. SB3

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    As someone who's experienced both lanes for significant periods of time, I feel like if u want a relationship, then approach dating as if that's the case.

    It's not exactly the 'easy' way out here in a world full of horny gay men, but I make it very clear that Im not looking for a smash. Nothing, at all, wrong w that, but I want more, and act accordingly.

    And ur absolutely right about the whole 'work on you' thing. We are all flawed ppl, so said work will NEVER be 'done'.
     
  3. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    This following opinion is coming from a minority point of view but I believe that its harder to be in a relationship, not that hard to be single...Also, the gay people who already in relationships are the ones who most come across as needy to me. Especially the ones that feel the need to excessively advertise their relationships.

    There is a stigma in being single by men who are ALREADY in relationships. The fucking relationship gurus who think they are experts and better (and HAPPIER) than you just because they've been dating a nikka for a couple months/years.

    Admittedly, I've never been in a long super serious relationship so likely my non-desire to desperately get one may be due to not having experienced something to miss. But the same applies to Heroin. I've never tried it so I don't feen for it.

    Many gay men I've seen (both in person and online) do seem to be verbally/vocally addicted to relationships and/or the idea of being in a relationship like Heroin. Seemingly moreso than the average heterosexual person.

    [​IMG]

    Example: Straight Black men fantasize about one night stands with big booty models... Gay Black Men fantasize about cuddling with a perfect boyfriend while watching Netflix.

    So if there is a stigma in that, it's that single men eventually become annoying as shit with their constant complaining about it.

    Fly on the wall convo with 2 typical single gay men: "Why is it so hard to find a guy? Dating is so hard. Guys are so superficial. I need to work out more. Where are all the good guys? All they want is sex in [insert city here]. I can get sex anywhere, I'm looking for more. This guy keeps texting me, ugh he's so thirsty! I won't just date anyone, I have standards, I know what I like."

    If it's hard, its hard because they make it hard. Self imposed problems. Just shut up about it, enjoy your life and date casually with no expectations.

    But then if/when they eventually get into a relationship, they turn into fucking relationship gurus: "Here's what you need to do to get like me..."

    Bitch, I don't wanna be you! Believe it or not relationship-queen, what makes YOU happy is not what EVERYONE ELSE desires!

    [​IMG]

    But again, this is coming from a dude who's very happy with himself and his single status. Don't get me wrong, I date and like spending time with a dude...But having an intimate friend would just be to compliment certain experiences that I would still be enjoying even without them.

    Rant over, lol.
     
  4. DreG

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    For a minute maybe,but it's still not as satisfaying as laying up with someone with whom you have a special comfort.

    I feel this way too.I get the sense you're kinda like me in that you like a certain amount of space.I will admit the idea of being totally commited and vulnerable is not something I can accept very easily.

    Yes.the idea exhausts me sometimes.It's probably like kids.If you care enoug habout he person,you wanna do the work.In the abstract,it sounds like putting up with someone,but practically,it's more like working towards a goal.Rewarding work and such or whatever.

    I only give the side eye to people who feel they need a relationship to be complete,and can't enjoy life otherwise.I understand having things you want and stuff,but people who lose themselves when they get a partner and worship them just for being present are the ones that make me take a pause.Then you have people who just want one because it's like a status symbol.
     
  5. Tyroc

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    As an older dude who can honestly say I've done the long term, short term and single life for equal amounts of time.
    I don't think it's hard to be single once you grow to accept and get to know who you are as a person.

    I've discovered in life that I don't need someone to make me happy but I am happier when I'm making someone happy and smile.
    That for me is what the best part of a relationship is not f you wind up in one.

    I like touch as much as the next man and I've been without it for a very long stretch. I'm old fashioned in that I'd rather "Husband pay" for touch in a relationship than give my my $$$$$$ to a stranger. For me it's an ego thing.

    I do come across a lot of dudes that spend time obsessively complaining about their relationship status but aren't really trying all that hard to do something about improving their situation.
     
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  6. SB3

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    I was about to say, negro, u just started a damn thread in the comments section!

    I think u made some valid points, but the glaring difference btwn str8s n gays (at least during OUR times) is the visibility and ability, to openly be u.

    Str8 men want loose sex, because they don't (typically) have as easy access to it, as gay men. So when gay men end up 53, no longer the hottest guy on jakd, and FINALLY want someone to be on their UNCONDITIONAL team to grow old with, after spending all of their 'hot' years thotting, wtf can be surprised?!

    Im extremely, EXTREMELY, untraditional, but, like the point of this post says, Im over people acting as if gay men are wrong/crazy or ridiculous for wanting intimate adult relationships.

    Just because it's more difficult, due to our history of having to date, basically, in shame, doesn't mean that we have to pretend like we're all happy to be 'that' uncle, upstairs in the room.

    Hell no!

    Im a handsome, virile, 'good' guy, and I deserve to not be a 'best man'/'groomsman' all of my life, JUST because I like men.

    It may never happen, but pretending like it's 'oh well' (just because Im not interested in the masses of women who hit on me every fukn 5 minutes) NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

    ZERO shame in being gay and admitting that you'd like a man to love u!
     
    #6 SB3, Sep 6, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2016
  7. ControlledXaos

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    Another things, females make a big deal about their relationships... "my husband" "my fiance" "I'm glad I don't have to worry about diseases because I have a husband." these are quotes I have heard and read online from chicks. Heterosexual females really brag about having a man to the point that I get tired of it so I know thier female friends are too. No one GAF. Seriously.

    After my long as hell relationship ended I can't lie, I missed intimacy.... Touch, touching... All of that is addictive when you get used to it and while being single is cool and all, there's some intimate stuff and feedom you can do in a relationship that you can't with a stranger.

    When I was in a relationship, I could slip my hands down my dude's pants and it's no thing. Not with a hook up. I could get a foot massage or have my dude pop a back pimple. Not with a hook up.

    I never made it a big deal though. It just was what it was. I didn't think being in a relationship was a big deal, certainly not something to brag about or anything to feel ashamed of.

    I don't believe in the "better to have loved and lost" type of thinking.
     
  8. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I guess may response was long winded because I just had a similar conversation with some other gay men. Maybe I jsut don't have that gay gene that makes dudes desire a relationship as if its the end all be all.

    I get it that we're human and its human nature to want intimacy, some would even argue that its human nature to want to be coupled with another person (I could debate that). But a lot of these gay men take it to the extreme.

    99% of Gay related apps, websites, blogs, films, web series, apps, etc are based entirely around sex, dating and relationships.

    The only other Gay website I can think of is Out Sports, which highlights LGBT athletes.
     
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  9. SB3

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    Its just that u put soo much emphasis on 'not' wanting relationships. It's fine to be a single man', too, but u act as if it's delusional for gay men to want (longer than 2 hr) boos!

    Nothing wrong w us hoping that our 'right now' doesn't epitomize our romantic futures.

    Hell, u dont think it'd be great to roll over and have that familiar body (tall, lanky, short, fluffy, etc) THERE? Because u know, no matter what, that mofo will be there when u roll over?!

    Its 110% okay for gay men to start thinking that wanting this is OK!
     
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  10. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Maybe I should have added a tldr to my longer post...basically wanting a relationship is cool and totally normal...but in my experience/perspective...the gay community as a whole seems to have a over-emphasized tunnel vision about them.
     
  11. SB3

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    I think that's only based on the fact that they're sooo much harder to come by , as gay men.

    We've been marginalized as a group of oily, 6 packed men who just have stranger sex. Then, we hit '___' age, and become that uncle! Fuk that.

    U keep saying how gay men put too much weight on relationships, but u also acknowledge the fact that, 7 months from 40, u haven't been in a committed one!

    Again, 99% of the gay men I know have not experienced that 'roll over', but why act like wanting it is crazy, just because u like men?
     
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  12. SB3

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    N nah negro, ur just anti whatever is 'generally' wanted by the masses. Where is @Ockydub?! Come get ur friend.
     
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  13. Nick Delmacy

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    Stop acting like a Republican, I know you've already made up your mind about me and my opinions but actually listen/read what I'm saying.

    I. Do. Not. Think. Wanting. A. Relationship. Is. Crazy.

    HOWEVER


    I do think that many gay men have an exaggerated desire to pursue one, by any means. Yes many heteros do too, but at least they demonstrate a desire for more than that in their lives. Obviously this is just my perspective being primarily in Atlanta and running this site for the last 5 years.
     
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  14. ControlledXaos

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    Well it's either "Phuck Relationships" or "I Wanna be a Gay Power Couple" and there doesn't seem to be much representation from the middle from what I can tell.

    I thought there's a lot of romanticized views of what a relationship is. Funny how people say there are no good gay role models yet they spend a lot of time trying to have a relationship. Well who are you trying to emulated and why? Just do right in the relationship you are in. Every relationship you have will be different. Things you do with Jason , you didn't do with Todd and vice versa. Some things you did with both.

    If you can get along with each other, there's interest that's beyond just looks, truthful, have your expectations voiced, understood, and set, you are on the road to a decent relationship.

    The rest can usually be worked out.
     
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  15. SB3

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    U play entirely too much! Atlanta, n CA for the last 5 years are ur drawing board tho?!

    I'll give u the fact that many gay men (also due to it seeming so unattainable) are often thirsty to call 2 wks of smashing a 'relationship '
     
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  16. ColumbusGuy

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    I miss those everyday things about a relationship. I also miss the *hivemind* you can have with another person, where you are so close you know what the other person is thinking, when you trust them completely. *I will admit that*

    Also at least 'back in the day' it seems most people in long lasting relationships had been 'open' to the idea, but it was not a 'prime directive' type of thing. They were open to it, they were around other people who were open to it, and it happened.

    Also with those women bragging(and maybe with gay men too)-all they are doing is letting all the other women/gays know how worthwhile their guy is, while pissing them off and making them jealous and giving them reasons to try to get with that man or destroy that relationship.

    Look at Ocky, he is in a LTR but he never brings it up unnecessarily or brags about it-which is the way it should be imo.
     
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  17. Jdudre

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    So this is one of the things I think about a lot and I have come to the conclusion that I want a relationship, in fact, the more I think about it the more I realize that I am the type of person that is more comfortable in one than not in one. I crave the intamicy, closeness and protection that they seem to provied its weired I think that's been my main problem trying to find thous things in ppl that are more into other things.
     
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  18. ColumbusGuy

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    I think it really is about being yourself and being ok with that, but also going out and doing things to meet other gay men, and not 'being on the hunt for Mr. Right'...but just have it be about meeting different people with a few common interests, then meeting people from those people..just exposing yourself to more possibilities and being 'open' for something to happen if that comes about. You are just living your life, doing things you like, meeting people, and being open to things. Of course the best thing would be doing things that people just wanting to 'hook up' would not want to do so you can avoid that.

    *I know that doing this is much harder than it seems. It takes some courage, the ability to be vulnerable, the ability to make time for this, etc. Maybe a combo of this and other things?

    *and I will admit I could not do this myself right now-I am myself, but I am not really 'Ok' with who I am right now, so I have to work on that.
     
  19. SB3

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    Exactly! Because he is 120 years into his and gets the fact that that shyt isn't just 'rolling over' n snuggling all damn day.
     
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  20. SB3

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    And whats a 'tldr'? Is that some new fangled mess that I don't understand because Im AARP eligible at heart?
     
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  21. Winston Smith

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    I was tempted to make up something dirty, but tldr = too long, didn't read (see also any response by Rico).

    I'm kind of like Nick on this one. I enjoy my FWBs and NSA times. If something came along that evolved into what @Ockydub or @BlackguyExecutive have, I wouldn't turn it down at all, but I don't feel unfulfilled because I'm not I'm a steady relationship. I'm glad they've found their soulmates, and will have a lifetime of adventures together. Like Nick, I had to just realize the kind of person I was at a certain point and adjust accordingly.

    But since you mentioned AARP, I guess I'll just rely on Medic Alert for those golden year moments and being alone ("help, I've fallen and I can't get it up!")
     
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  22. OckyDub

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    *Being single is by far easier then being in a relationship.

    *I enjoy being in a long term relationship BUT / AND, at THIS point in my life I would be happy and comfortable being single...being that I've now experienced a long term relationship.

    *Being that I've experienced a LTR if things were to end, I can see myself missing intimacy.

    *1 reason I wanted to be (fantasy in my mind) in a LTR is so I could be free and be the best nastiest man-slut I could be...with ONE person.

    *Even though you don't see me posting, talking about (much) or bragging about my LTR I do think it's healthy non-heterosexual men see and hear examples. I do feel most of what is currently presented is presented through rainbow tinted glasses and seems very artificial.
     
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  23. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    tldr = too long didn't read

    In forums it's used to summarize a long post or comment so please can still get the gist of it without reading it
     
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  24. Winston Smith

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    Lol, you cited THE ONE REASON I would enjoy an LTR: worry free unabashed nasty!

    While it's been good you've chimed in about your relationship from time to time as an example for the younger squad, I always consider that none-of-our-business region. Too much social media reveal can't be good for relationships and families (see also Kanye West)
     
  25. jusrawb

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    I have actually seen a lot gay men say that they are happy single and don't care to be in a relationship. I don't feel like a relationship is for everyone. There can be many reasons why someone prefers to stay single. Relationships are hard work (6 years and counting here). It takes a lot to build that bond of trust and other aspects. People in relationships can only give advice about how it works for them but that doesn't mean it will work the same way for everyone else. I will say me personally I have always been the relationship type. I don't look at it as needing someone to complete me because I'm very independent but instead I look at it like someone I can build with, someone I can confide in and know that no matter what they will always be there and have my best interest. That works both ways as well. From talking to my single friends, the dating/hookup scene is too much for me, I would probably prefer to be single too if I keep running into these guys that are not about nothing and can not be trusted.
     
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  26. NikR

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    I always prided myself in being an island. I don't think I am though, sadly. Do I NEED anyone? Nah. Naaaah.

    But with that being said- for y'all negroes who aren't into relationships, if you find a dude who's similar to me in most aspects, I'm currently taking husband applications. Within 5-6 inches of my height. Going places. You know the rest. When you find him, slide up in my DMs.
     
    #26 NikR, Sep 7, 2016
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2016
  27. JohnDoe

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    I will admit this is an issue for me too. Is it because we're men? Some phobia or other?
     
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  28. DreG

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    I've always been more used to doing things on my own.My independence works against me,but it's also my base trait.Remove that card and you've dealt a serious detriment to my strength.Anytime I have to work with other people to achieve a goal,it kinda throws me off.Certain social graces are foreign to me.
     
  29. BlackguyExecutive

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    I will say that relationships are hard work and you have to be ready and willing to put in the hard work. Relationships are about making compromises and lifting each other up even when you are mad at one another. Next month, will be my first anniversary being married and my gent and I had our first big fight since being married but things were a little different this time, we didn't yell although we did use a lot of shade and reads but we managed to hash it out and move forward.

    Right now, we are at a critical cross roads we are both in our early early 30s and have our own ambitions but I convinced my husband to move across the world, leave his job and profession and friends so that I could pursue my career in Foreign Relations. Initially it was exciting, I earn enough money and receive enough benefits that we are pretty financially secure yet my husband feels like he just gave it all up for me to live out my dreams of travelling the world. It breaks my heart because I can tell he is getting more and more miserable. However, we made this choice together and we will have to figure it out. (i.e., finding him some hobbies or a job).

    Finding that right balance is essential in making any relationship work. I always think of the Rolling Stones song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want"

     
  30. Winston Smith

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    I wish you both the best of happiness and success. I know you'll be able to work it. I've seen many couples like you, gay and straight, in that same position. It's difficult when one gets to his life's destination ahead of the other. He just needs to keep in mind that you chose each other and his spiritual presence and companionship fuels your success in turn.

    It's just a matter of your partner turning time into a concrete manifestation of his own raison d'être. I learned that with the 2013 government shutdown. Suddenly I had paid free time on my hands (I knew we would be retroactively paid for federal labor law reasons), but it turned out I wasn't prepared for being on my own program on my own time. Lol. Whatever his interests are, I know you'll both find some spectacular way to implement them.
     
  31. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Je suis diplomate
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    For sure. Also, grande utilité si français, (great use of French)! He was/is a social worker who worked primarily with people with disabilities. I am trying to connect him with some NGOs that do that kind of work. The hard part is that we live in a place for two years pack up and move somewhere else and it is hard to get work visas or permits and not having a strong command of the language. Just a minor test for us.

    [​IMG]
     
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  32. ControlledXaos

    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club

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    This.

    It's what makes it hard for me to move forward with a real relationship because I have an easy time with dropping people. I tend to be the one who falls second which is hard when I'm Mr Nice Guy because it's awkward when you are not in like as much as the other person.

    It's even hard for me with friends. Like I may not call people as often just because I'll get into my own loop and do my own thing and it's "oh I forgot to call xyz because I was playing xbox"

    So it's not that I'm shading, I just don't realize I'm not reaching out because I'm running on my own track. As the youngest of three I'm used to just blazingly my own path so I can come off as aloof and uncaring when in a relationship because I'm hardwired for independence.
     
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  33. Winston Smith

    Best Site Comments The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

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    I took French when I was 5 or 6, but my dad was too cheap to continue lessons. So I know un peu lol. My mother says, "remember, yall used to sing songs in French in Kindergarten," I'm like WOMAN, WHOSE CHILD ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? I should have grabbed that Rosetta Stone software when it was still being given out free by my agency. Sadly, my pronunciation is always mistranslated into something filthy in English by Google Translate, as my boss found out when I first showed him the program lol.

    Social work with disabled? Man, I see so much use for that, starting with children from North and East Africa injured and displaced by war/terrorism. Hope the best for him. NGOs sound like a good starting point. Maybe he could interview with a DC-based one (there's a ton of them here) and then work a French office?

    Dream on, mon frere. Lunch time over here in the states, back to work.
    à bientôt
     
  34. DreG

    DreG is a Featured MemberDreG Art Heaux
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    Man,I totally get this.I was youngest,the only kid in my house,and I was always up late til ungodly hours of the night keeping myself entertained,so at this point,inviting people in is something I have to actively put effort into.I feel like as a boyfriend I can very easily shut someone out without realizing it.That,and I'm ery guarded I've found out.
     
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  35. ControlledXaos

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    Yep. I also was the only kid in the house so I pretty much had the best of Only Child and Baby of the Family worlds.

    Never had to share anything, didn't have anyone to blame(lie on) if I broke something, lol but I also had to learn to navigate socially I'm my own without the benefit of my siblings' names preceeding me as we didn't go to the some schools and most of the people who taught my sibs had retired.

    I just did my own thing and didn't get too much negative about it.
     
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