These 15 Seconds During The Oscars Made Me Rethink Everything About Gay Dating

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Feb 26, 2019.

  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    [​IMG]

    This is by no means “important news,” but something happened to me in the 15 seconds that it took Bohemian Rhapsody editor John Ottman to walk to the stage and accept his Academy Award for Film Editing. Considering that I have a blog that constantly needs new content, here we are: Nick Delmacy over-sharing and over-thinking, as usual.

    And of all of the major takeaways from this year’s Academy Awards (so many people of color being honored and/or winning, so many gay men & women winning, Spike Lee receiving his second Oscar [first was an honorary award] and the show moving flawlessly without Kevin Hart’s homophobia), it’s odd that these 15 seconds are what I chose to actually blog about.

    It’s also surprising that this happened to me only a week after I penned essays about Dating Younger Men and Gay Men of Color Being Overly-Immersed in White Gay Culture.

    What exactly happened, you ask?

    I was watching the telecast and Batman/Birdman actor Michael Keaton announced the Film Editing Oscar Winner: John Ottman.

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    Film editing is by no means one of the ‘major’ awards of interest on the telecast (although when the Academy chose this as one of the 4 awards to be cut from the show, the industry protested and got the decision reversed). But I appreciate the work that goes into editing so I was eager to see who would win.



    The camera spun around to Ottman, sitting in the front row surprisingly, and I see him hugging someone sitting next to him.

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    “Wait, that’s a Black man,” I thought…

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    “And they’re hugging for an awfully long time.”

    “Could this be…his boyfriend,” I immediately wondered. Usually when people win, they hug the person they are closest to, not just in proximity, but typically the person they most care for: Husband, Wife, Parent, Girlfriend or…Boyfriend.

    Then they stood and as Ottman began accepting congratulations from others around him, I saw the way the YOUNGER Black man gazed at the older gentleman.

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    To me, that was more than a just a proud co-worker gaze….Then this happened:

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    The lower back touches confirmed all of my suspicions. These men are dating each other. This would explain why they’re sitting together. This would explain why the young brother was the first person Ottman hugged.

    This would explain why the young man seemingly maintained an unbroken stare at Ottman with love and affection as he went up to accept his award.

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    Even as EVERYONE ELSE sat down and stopped clapping, the young Black man was still giving a standing ovation.

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    My initial thought was, “I want someone to look at me the way that kid is looking at John Ottman.”

    Then I felt a sudden wave of uneasiness wash over me.

    It wasn’t jealousy for Ottman, congratulations to him and his already successful career as an Editor and Film Composer.

    It was realizing how creepy the sight of older men dating young guys can be. Especially hairless twinks like the man he lovingly hugged seemed to be. Added to that, the racial dynamic.

    I’ve historically been a supporter of interracial relationships on this website. I still am. Dating is hard for everyone, if you find a person of a different race/culture who wants/loves you and much as you want/love them…have at it.

    However for some reason, without knowing anything about either of the men, this 15-second exchange came off as opportunistic to me. For both parties.

    It’s (somewhat) important to note that John Ottman openly gay. He is also a long time collaborator with openly gay film director, Bryan Singer, acting as editor and composer for his films The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil, X2, Superman Returns, Valkyrie, Jack the Giant Slayer and X-Men: Days of Future Past.

    It’s also (somewhat) important to note that Bryan Singer has a long history of being accused of raping and sexually assaulting minors. Amongst other things, this led to all of the Bohemian Rhapsody winners purposely NOT thanking him during the speeches.

    I’m not accusing John Ottman of such crimes. Nor am I saying anything untoward is going on with him and the brother who gazed at him like this:

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    These are consenting adults, likely enjoying each others’ company as they partake in wine & cheese, go to cabins for skiing and go hiking with their German Shepard (or whatever kind of dogs gay couples have nowadays).

    Admittedly, this is me over-thinking and really has nothing to do with these specific men in general.

    In a night where so much Black Excellence was awarded, I just had a flood of “second thoughts” regarding my own dating life and sexuality because of this moment.

    How do I really feel about these older White men dating young Black men? How do I really feel about older men dating younger men in general? Do accused gay predators like Kevin Spacey and Bryan Singer make dating younger men seem…pedophilloic? Even if all of the parties are adults? Does it really matter if the older man is very successful and wealthy? Are these young Black men who are dating older White men actually just opportunistic, as so many Squad Members on Cypher Avenue have shouted for years in the comments section?

    Is the look on this Black man’s face one of pride and admiration…or is it the look of looking forward to cashing in on all the “work” he put into dating this 54 year old man?

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    Clearly I’m neither as rich or accomplished as John Ottman, but I do alright…Do I want the young men that I date looking at me like this? Like I’m an investment? A career or supportive sugar daddy? Even just for contacts and doors that I could potentially open for them?

    All of this is nothing new. Especially in Hollywood. If John Ottman was a heterosexual man with a 20-something girlfriend sitting next to him, the moment wouldn’t have even registered for me.

    But as a Black man…

    No, a Black Gay man…

    No, a Black Gay man getting older myself…

    I felt a certain way about this one. And oddly enough, it’s the one that I don’t have context for or even proof that the men are even dating.

    Maybe it was the lack of details that motivated my mind to race down existential rabbit holes.

    Even with me likely being closer to the “young” Black man’s age than John Ottman’s age, I still felt a little weird.

    I remember about seven years ago, I was in a short situationship with a younger guy (working luggage at the airport) and one day he literally asked me if I could teach him how to do my specified computer-related career in my free time.

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    I don’t mind sharing information, but this came off as an obvious attempt to make me a Mentor with Benefits. I wasn’t very comfortable with it. This has happened several times after career-less young men I date discover that I work in the fringes of the entertainment industry.

    So maybe seeing the look on this Black man’s face triggered some repressed feelings inside of me.

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    Add to that, as much gayness was celebrated at the Academy Awards this year, there wasn’t much masculine, unapologetically Black Out Gayness.

    Oh sure, we had this:

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    But I don’t identify with or relate to people like Billy Porter and his White husband Adam Smith. I mean seriously, does anyone who grew up in predominantly Black communities and culture?

    I guess Mahershala Ali won an Oscar for portraying a (presumed) Black Gay pianist, Dr. Don Shirley. But (like Ali’s previous Oscar winning film, Moonlight) the ‘gay story’ portrayed was not very relatable to me.

    And, as I wrap up this rambling post, it should be noted that men of the same race and age can be just as opportunistic and disingenuous.

    So now I’m seriously conflicted and have been rethinking everything I once believed about interracial couples and dating younger men.

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    #1 Nick Delmacy, Feb 26, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2019
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  2. jpo

    jpo
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    Nick, I think you pretty much covered the waterfront, as the bishop said to the sailor. I appreciate your close reading of the situation. I think it's something a lot of us do when we see a couple - gay or straight - that are in some way discordant. The more imaginative follow a thin trail deep into the woods, as you do. Not everyone comes out safely on the other side, but you did. It's good speculative writing. Keep it up.
     
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  3. Dreamwalker

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    Weird...I was watching Late Night with Seth Myers a few weeks ago. Alan Cummings was on promoting his new play "Daddy" with actor Ronald Peet. Gotta admit the same thoughts went through my head (especially when he described a scene spanking him with a shoe).

    features-large_daddy-1.jpg
     
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  4. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    What in The entire Fuck?
    :what:
     
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  5. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    This IS Black Queer Mainstream now? Basically hitch your wagon to a white gay daddy and watch your opportunities and career blossom?

    This is disturbing to me.
     
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  6. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    What makes it even worse is he said that the play is written by a young African American writer. Most likely identifies as “queer” as well.
     
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