To Approach or Not to Approach

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Cmolove, Nov 11, 2016.

  1. Cmolove

    Cmolove Squad Member

    Age:
    56
    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2016
    Messages:
    30
    Daps Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Dating:
    Open relationship
    Simple question came from listening to one of your podcasts. Why do some guys get approached and others never get approached? What makes a guy approachable by men?

    Hope I've placed this question properly, since it's my first.

    Thanx.
    Cmo ❤️

    image.png
     
    Jdudre dapped this.
  2. alton

    Squad Leader The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    44
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2015
    Messages:
    1,790
    Daps Received:
    2,770
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    Good question, dude. I've been asking myself this same question in regard to my own bad luck with dudes, and still haven't come up with any answer.
    1. I've been told I'm "unapproachable" because I have a serious face, but...I've seen dudes with much meaner faces (and many times a f#$ked up attitude to match) get approached by many guys.

    2. I've been told to smile more. Done it, no change.

    3. I've killed myself at the gym to get {close to} an IG body...nothin'.

    Some other suggestions have been made and employed, all of which ended with the same results.

    I just think that, as much as people don't want to/ like to admit it, the bottom line/ deciding factor is one's overall looks and just flat out having good luck. Especially nowadays, if you're not in that "top percentage" of what the majority consider attractive, then the chances of you getting approached are very, very low. For those of you that don't have any issue, kudos to you. The majority don't normally share your stellar circumstances.

    Me personally, I'm just a regular a$$ lookin' ,Dime a Dozen, black dude so, in a city/country/community where exotic looks and IG Bodies are the most appreciated, I've already accepted my fate. Ain't shit I can do but continue to do me and hope maaaaybe, I'll catch someone's eye that I myself would be attracted to. If not, eh....life goes on, my dude. Bottom line is, we can discuss this and discuss this (as it's been discussed a few times on this site) but the reality is there is no answer to your question. It's far too subjective.
     
    #2 alton, Nov 11, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2016
    I-Stay-Woke, SB3, Jdudre and 4 others dapped this.
  3. ControlledXaos

    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    46
    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,543
    Daps Received:
    7,178
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanna
    For me I feel similar to @alton

    I'll get approached by guys who don't appeal to me or not at at all . I think I have a cool personality based on feedback from guys off of here but my resting bitch face does me no good . Gym , clubs , down to the Sams club , the lavanderia etc . . . Dudes are not not checking for me in my day to day .

    When I have approached guys I try to keep it to three questions . If you don't ask me anything after I ask you three questions , I take it as you're not interested and keep it moving .
     
    Lancer, I-Stay-Woke, Fanon and 4 others dapped this.
  4. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2013
    Messages:
    3,735
    Daps Received:
    12,822
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    I never get approached...well, not never...but not as much as I'd expect given that I live in Atlanta and have frequented many gay parties/bars over the years. I can count on one hand the number of times I have been aggressively pursued, let alone approached.

    It's never bummed me out, I've just adjusted and settled into the role of pursuer instead.

    In the beginning I thought I was maybe not attractive or maybe not welcoming enough...I even thought maybe I gave off a non-gay look. I dunno. Could be the whole Top/Bottom gender roles thing. I had one friend tell me that he NEVER approaches anyone, even if he's interested. He said he figures if they were also interested, they would come to him. At the time I thought he just had a big ego but I learned that it was more of a rejection self defense mechanism.

    So over the years I've just said fuck it, I'll do the approaching. I learned that younger guys are often more receptive than men my age and older so that's who I mostly pursue nowadays just outta success averages.
     
    SB3, Fanon, Jdudre and 4 others dapped this.
  5. alton

    Squad Leader The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    44
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2015
    Messages:
    1,790
    Daps Received:
    2,770
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    "...e figures if they were also interested, they would come to him. At the time I thought he just had a big ego but I learned that it was more of a rejection self defense mechanism. "

    It absolutely is a defense mechanism, albeit a recessive one because it f$%ks us out of a LOT of potential opportunities.
     
    I-Stay-Woke, SB3, Fanon and 3 others dapped this.
  6. Rah Brown

    The 100 Daps Club

    Age:
    33
    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    118
    Daps Received:
    175
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    For me it's the opposite of @Nick Delmacy . I never do the approaching but I get approached.

    I'm not going to lie it makes things easier for me. On the other hand it creates a problem because sometimes who approaches me isn't my type. Breaking out of my shell and approaching is something I need to work on.
     
    Winston Smith dapped this.
  7. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2013
    Messages:
    3,735
    Daps Received:
    12,822
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    Well why do you think tons of people approach you? What do you think you are doing that makes them come to you? The way you dress? Your group of friends? Signals you give out? What do you think it is?
     
    Fanon, Jdudre, Rah Brown and 4 others dapped this.
  8. Winston Smith

    Best Site Comments The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    May 6, 2016
    Messages:
    2,006
    Daps Received:
    5,422
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Nowhere in Particular
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    I think in part of it is WHO is approaching and WHEN and WHERE. If your attend is out to receive messages from only one or two stations, then you miss all the other channels on the dial. I'm sure I'm the most plain looking dude in these cyber parts but I'll be damned if shit doesn't hit me from the most random places, including Officer Dangle I mentioned in status. If you yourself have a preconceived type you're looking to receive a glance/approach from, you may be waiting at times.

    I say this as someone who just got to a point in life when I just said fuck it, whatever, and THEN shit just happened without prodding. I had to discover my inner Valley Girl ("like, WHATEVERRRRRR...") and things started happening. It's funny how when I was young and proper and polite, nothing. I was sad and frustrated. Then I got older and started not giving a shit and things started snowballing. I'll call this the Trump Dating Effect lol.
     
    Fanon and alton dapped this.
  9. alton

    Squad Leader The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    44
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2015
    Messages:
    1,790
    Daps Received:
    2,770
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    I've long since taken the "f#$k it" approach, adn my spectrum of what I find attractive is VERY wide, wider than most peoples' but, my and many others with the same mindset as myself, circumstance unfortunately isn't the same as what you've described above. Again, it's subjective to the individual, and their environment, as well as a myriad of other factors. I'm glad you don't have any issues gettin' approached, bro.
     
    Fanon and Winston Smith dapped this.
  10. Winston Smith

    Best Site Comments The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    May 6, 2016
    Messages:
    2,006
    Daps Received:
    5,422
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Nowhere in Particular
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    Maybe they're more desperate here in the Midwest lol. It's not like I have a full social calendar by any means, but I'm surprised I'm getting more action now that when I actually could be a model when I was younger...well a Sears sweater Sunday Ad model anyway, lets be honest lol
    [​IMG]
     
  11. Cmolove

    Cmolove Squad Member

    Age:
    56
    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2016
    Messages:
    30
    Daps Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Dating:
    Open relationship
    It was your comment in one of the podcasts that made me ask. Hadn't really thought about it in terms of others, but it got me to thinking. I'm not someone people approach a lot. I've had my share of pursuers, but a friend of mine can't walk out the door without people hitting on him. Men & women alike completely abandon the type of low key flirtation with him. He is a reasonably attractive guy, but not super attractive...and yet, people go out of their way to be in his face.

    At work, guys who were all hard & stoic with me, when I started, are like school girls with crushes drawing over him. Str8 dudes. LoL

    It's interesting to watch. I think he lives in a bubble, where it's so normal he doesn't even notice...unless he is interested. He is a bubbly, always performing guy. Constantly on....but people respond to it with him...whereas, most would consider it working too hard, annoying, or way too extra, if it was someone else.

    Makes me wonder... Why do some literally get approached by obviously thirsty folk, while other have to work for it.
     
  12. Shon

    The 100 Daps Club

    Age:
    37
    Joined:
    Sep 29, 2015
    Messages:
    74
    Daps Received:
    155
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas TX
    Dating:
    Single
    I'm definitely not an approacher and I think that has been one of my biggest downfalls in the arena of meeting people and being in relationships. Pretty much every guy that I've met has been online or through an app (and the stigma associated with those avenues has been express on many other threads, so I won't dwell on it here).

    I've always found it interesting, yet discouraging seeing so many of my friends go out and effortlessly get noticed and I didn't. I actually used to think that my friends intentionally invited me out with them because, next to me, they looked better and I wasn't competition. I wondered for so long what it was that kept dudes at bay from approaching me. Now that I'm older and give way fewer fux than I used to, I figure whether it's me doing the approaching or not, it'll happen when it happens.
     
    Jdudre dapped this.
  13. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2013
    Messages:
    3,735
    Daps Received:
    12,822
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    I would guess that it may be his personality. Ive met many guys who weren't super sexy yet they had a very welcoming aura and personality. On the other hand, I've met some guys that look fine as hell but they come off arrogant or unapproachable. So it can really go either way,
     
    SB3, Fanon, Cmolove and 1 other person dapped this.
  14. Rah Brown

    The 100 Daps Club

    Age:
    33
    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    118
    Daps Received:
    175
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Washington, DC

    I'm not to sure to be honest @Nick Delmacy . I do think I'm pretty good with reading facial expressions and body language; and give that " it's ok come over here look". I don't thing a dress too crazy; just a regular cat. I just try to look presentable. I don't have a large group of friends either. I actually have more straight friends than gay. I pretty much think it's the signals I give out.
     
  15. Jdudre

    The 100 Daps Club

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Sep 27, 2015
    Messages:
    469
    Daps Received:
    393
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    Once bitten twice shy plus almost everything everyone here has said
     
  16. Fanon

    The 100 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 16, 2016
    Messages:
    181
    Daps Received:
    265
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Kigali, Rwanda
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    In a Relationship
    I'll just dap comments as there's nothing I can add to this brilliant conversation...
     
    ControlledXaos dapped this.
  17. HauteChocolat

    HauteChocolat Squad Member

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2015
    Messages:
    82
    Daps Received:
    93
    I think it's down to a person's chi and how one is able to work on it. The 'it's ok to come over here look' might sit just right and be effective for one person whilst it might look needy and off putting on another. Also, whilst an affable person might receive a lot of attention, it mightn't even be the romantic type. Some people come off as intimidating, particularly people who try to have their stuff together and stay on top of things (mentally) - I think the temperament combination and Myers Briggs personality type groupings also feeds into this.

    I generally try to remind myself to relax my composure a little bit, considering some people have indicated they got an intimidating uppity vibe from me when we met. A bit also needs to be said about interested persons, they need to learn to just go for it, with tact nonetheless - behind the layer of whatever the perceived barrier is, might lie a charming personality.
     
    I-Stay-Woke, Cmolove and Rah Brown dapped this.
  18. NikR

    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2016
    Messages:
    536
    Daps Received:
    1,195
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Washington, DC
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Single
    Hell if I know. So far, the first 3 dudes to approach me have eventually said I'm 1)nice, 2)have a phatty/am funny/not unfortunate looking, 3)smart and wonderful and and and and and (really laying it on thick)..... I don't take any of that seriously. And neither should you. My record of getting approached has so far yielded ghosts, inflexible dudes who don't understand me, and tremendous insincerity and falseness. So I've taken to approaching instead. And shockingly, I've met a few guys who I think there's something there. Right before I try decamping from where I live no less. Smdh.

    I think I come across as someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. I'm self-deprecating. I laugh easily. I say hello to strangers at the store, on the street, in the hospital, just to be polite and keep people off balance. And I think all this leads to the initial approach. And then I keep conversations going...unless the other person gets trapped in a 'sup, chillin', wahbouuuutuuuu' corn maze.

    If you never make eye contact, look hella annoyed by my mere presence...yeah, nope. Don't need it. I won't even try.

    Yeah. More of a where for me - I'll forever avoid tangential work approaches. Never. Again. Ugggh.
     
    Winston Smith, Cmolove and Rah Brown dapped this.
  19. Cmolove

    Cmolove Squad Member

    Age:
    56
    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2016
    Messages:
    30
    Daps Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Dating:
    Open relationship
    As hot as a BJ at work can be, I can't with the work thing.
     
  20. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    This! The saddest part, is that some ppl's communication skills are sooo lacking, that they don't even realize why ppl deuce them. Just think of all of the app mssgs you've received in 5 characters or less...'sup' or the extra effort to write 'wasup'. Like, no one is about to sit around here and cater to ur version of convo/convo abt you. The level of self centered'ness' in sooo many gay men is unreal.
     
  21. sydney

    sydney Squad Member

    Age:
    36
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    32
    Daps Received:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston, Tx
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    It's complicated
    I think the real questions is why are you too scared to approach them? Someone has to make the first move. Why don't you let it be you. Some guys are afraid of rejection. So they are too scared to approach. When I was single I would get guys who would stare me all the time. If I seen one that I was attracted too, I would approach them and I never once got turn down. Because I knew the guy was interested in me because he was starring at me. They just needed a little push. So if you see a guy checking you out and you are attracted to him, make the first move. If I waited for a guy to approach me when I was single, I would have stayed single forever. Some guys are scared or just intimidated. It's really not a gamble. Remember you are approaching the ones that are checking you out. So the chances of you getting rejected is slim next to none. So take a leap of faith brother.
     
    Rah Brown dapped this.
  22. Lancer

    Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    37
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2015
    Messages:
    1,263
    Daps Received:
    1,869
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Minas Morgul
    I was just having this conversation with my friends. I ALWAYS do the approaching! I do it because I get to control the situation, like he is in my territory, and not look like a mumbling fool when the guy approaches me, which makes me feel vulnerable. When a guy approaches me I think to myself why me? of all the fine people in this space he is coming to me? something must be wrong with him!
    I often, most times try to get away from him by dancing away or going to the bathroom and then going to another side of the club/space we are in. I do this hoping they will keep on with the chase however, mostly 99.9% of the time, they move on to someone else and I say within myself 'Well that was fast' and just keep dancing my ass out at the club.:)
    I do sometimes want to be chased/approached, it can get very exhausting being the hunter EVERY DAMN TIME! I smile, cos I have been told I have a very serious looking face, I keep some distance from my friends to make the guy know he can approach without feeling intimidated/uncomfortable having to break me away from my friends, but nothing works. I do think with my height,6ft5, and face (which i can only fix, by smiling) guys expect me to do the chasing/approaching, no matter the signals I give out!
    I guess I am just going to have to always do the approaching:shaq2:
     
    Jdudre dapped this.
  23. sydney

    sydney Squad Member

    Age:
    36
    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2016
    Messages:
    32
    Daps Received:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Houston, Tx
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    It's complicated
    Actually it's kind of sad to see a so call grown man scared to approach another man. Men egos are so fragile.
     
    Jdudre dapped this.
Loading...
Similar Threads - Approach Approach Forum Date
SPIKE’S THE MIST TV SERIES TO TAKE FARGO-LIKE APPROACH Television and Web Series Jan 16, 2017
Confused or Conflict on an approach to a relationship with women Group Discussions Oct 21, 2016
How Will You Approach Dating/Relationships in 2016? Dating and Relationships Dec 29, 2015

Share This Page

Loading...