We are not gay, but we secretly kiss and sleep in the same bed

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Lancer, Apr 28, 2019.

  1. Lancer

    Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    37
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2015
    Messages:
    1,263
    Daps Received:
    1,869
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Minas Morgul
    [​IMG]

    Dear Mariella,
    The dilemma I am a 30-year-old man and I had, until last year, identified as a straight man. One night, after an office dinner party, I went to my colleague’s flat. We were good mates then, but nothing more. We are both architects and I went to see some of his latest work. He offered me a drink and we ended up getting drunk. He is slightly older and also identifies as heterosexual. (He is really good looking but, mysteriously, has been single for many years.) We drank too much and kissed. We were embarrassed, but for the past year we have regularly met and kissed, but he doesn’t go beyond a certain point physically. I know I love him dearly. He loves me, too, he says, but as a brother/best friend, not as a partner. Recently, he has stopped kissing me on the lips, but we sleep in the same bed and cuddle. I am confused. Is he straight, is he gay/bisexual and, more importantly, should I have any hope of finding romantic love with him? It’s frustrating and confusing. I don’t want to beg him to do more if he doesn’t feel comfortable and at the same time it would hurt to walk away from this man (and hurt my career if I left my job).




    Mariella replies What a conundrum. Whether you two are gay or straight, bi or just having fun, you should probably stop kissing for long enough to have a conversation about what’s happening between you.
    You really need to talk!

    A surprise encounter appears to have evolved into a regular habit, but with so much secrecy, embarrassment and confusion it’s impossible to gauge what the relationship is all about. For two grown men to be playing out an affair like a pair of adolescent virgins would be fine if that’s what you were mutually set on. In your case, however, neither of you appears to have faced up to where it might lead. This tryst that dare not speak its name feels positively 19th century and your mysterious, good-looking, serially single and emotionally buttoned-up colleague positively Darcyesque.

    There’s nothing we masochistic human beings relish more than the endorsement of our own shortcomings and your lover, if we can call him that, seems to be doing an excellent job of that for you. Are you the right sex, are you sexy, are you brothers-in-arms or just good for a placatory cuddle? There must be a veritable babel of questions bubbling around your brain.

    A liaison with a fellow adult involving this degree of guesswork about sexual orientation is definitely not an example of mature romancing. For something more meaningful to develop between you, having some sense of your lover’s hopes and dreams, desires and romantic ambitions is the baseline – and you’re not standing anywhere close to it as far as I can tell. Instead you’re asking me questions about the sexual predilections of a man you’ve been sharing intimate moments with for the last year. You don’t need me to tell you that there’s something not quite right.

    he place to start working that out isn’t by second guessing what your colleague is after, but by taking a long, searing search into your own motives and desires. A drunken kiss is easy to explain away, but a year of unrequited sleepovers rather less so. You’ve both entered this union defining yourselves as heterosexual, so are equally guilty of delusions. These are enlightened times and, as any liberal teenager will tell you, there are at least 30 variations on our gender proclivities – though I’m clearly lacking imagination as I’d be hard-pressed to name more than a handful.

    My point is there is no pressing need to define your sexuality, but entertaining the possibility that it’s more fluid than you thought is a good starting point. Boxing yourself into the “straight man” category seems a stable door from which you’ve already bolted. Your lover isn’t the only one who doesn’t seem to know what he wants or who he is. Why are you so concerned with this man’s feelings and sexual preferences while in the dark about your own?

    We are lucky to live in enlightened times, in a part of the world where the climate for self expression has never been more welcoming. It’s a shame to squander those advances by embarking on the sort of furtive relationship that societal censure and even the law made inevitable a century ago.

    You’ve shared intimacies with a man and found that you enjoyed it. At best your current situation suggests you have stalled and at worst that this potential “lover” is stepping back from further emotional or physical exploration. My advice would be to look for a relationship where you can better be yourself, not one where you’re constantly trying to establish who it is you’re dating. This man may have opened a door for you, but I’m not sure the relationship has much further to travel. Your future happiness may rely on you walking past him and out into pastures new and unprecedented.
     
    mojoreece and Krimsonic_ dapped this.
  2. Lancer

    Best Thread Creator The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    37
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2015
    Messages:
    1,263
    Daps Received:
    1,869
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Minas Morgul
    Some good Replies;

    warwick1
    When I was younger the labels mattered enormously. Saying that I was gay out loud was an important step.
    As I get older, I am not so sure. I have loved a woman but my self-definition held me back. We parted still just friends. Who knows what might have been?
    Labels are okay when you’re trying to make a point, but don’t let them dictate your life.

    Arianwen Rogers
    I never wade in with comments but he doesn't have to be gay? I thought I was straight untill I met my wonderful girlfriend and we are very very happy together.
    I still find men attractive and I'm still not attracted to most women, so when people ask I say I'm bi or pan. There's more than just straight or gay! Mostly how I identify with myself is what matters and for this I tend to sing ' I am what I am, and what I am needs no excuses!'.
    Life is short if you've found someone you love labels don't matter. I think the responces is right tho a massive chat is needed.

    dullthud
    It sounds like definitions are hampering something that could be quite lovely here. I struggled with the ’gay word’ for years. I moved to London at 17, ready to come out, but my first experience of the gay scene was so disappointing I remained in the closet until I was 24. Despite huge leaps and bounds in acceptance, gayness is still presented as pretty one dimensional, and if you don’t conform to it, you may well question whether your’e gay at all. I wasn’t really bisexual, I just wanted another word for gay, and for the perception of it to be different, but, sadly, I didn’t have the power to change perceptions, and eventually came round to the gay word. My first l.t.r was with a man who refused to admit he was gay for the first three years of our relationship, although he didn’t seek to cover it up, he maintained I was the only man he’d ever found attractive. I eventually got sick of the self loathing and pretence and forced him to go to gay bars and pride marches. He is now quite militant. Some gay men are ’tellers’, you can tell they’re gay immediately, but most are not, and I think its harder for those that aren’t to come to terms with their ’gayness’, which I see as different from their sexuality. It sounds like these men love each other and should fight through their hang ups about labels with each other and make the most of each other.



     
    Winston Smith dapped this.
  3. DFW Brutha

    The 100 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2015
    Messages:
    294
    Daps Received:
    349
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Dallas Fort Worth
    Dating:
    Single
  4. Jai

    Jai Being strong minded.
    The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2015
    Messages:
    1,039
    Daps Received:
    1,788
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    U.S.
    Orientation:
    Asexual
    Dating:
    Single
    I don't really get too caught up in labels. I do identify as a sapiosexual tho. I have sexual attraction & will look at asses, dick and tits galore but I think that's just cause I be horny & usually restrain from sex. Being intellectual turns me on a whole nother level but only with men. Honestly, I started with no label and just say I'm sapio.
     
    mojoreece and Winston Smith dapped this.
  5. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    I have a coworker who is straight for all intents and purposes, but we've kissed a few times. I've had 2 of them over the years, actually. I've just stopped caring about how anyone decides to label their sexuality, if they choose to. Just enjoyed the moment w a masculine guy who I think is hot.
     
  6. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    Cut the bs. As soon as the heteros call you a fag....fudge packer...hot dog eater...etc, then the labels matter.

    Unfortunately men don't get the "We kiss, but we ain't gay" pass lol. Straight men (meaning those who actually attracted to the opposite gender, not those who just say they are straight) don't just go around kissing other men freely.
     
    #6 Dante, Apr 30, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
  7. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    FYI: Sapiosexual is a label. And by definition is something that everyone can be due to primarily focusing on one's state of mind and intellect.

    Question: Are you a sapiosexual for men or women?
     
    #7 Dante, Apr 30, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
  8. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    I know a lot of straight men who have gotten drunk around other straight men or men (even if they are gay or bisexual) and nothing went down lol.

    As soon as he said he is good looking and they have been kissing and doing foreplay shit for the past year, I knew this wasn't some "I tripped and my lips landed on his...Oops my bad" story. There is some attraction between them and straight went out the door longs time ago. Let's be real that they have been kissing kissing, not a platonic peck on the cheek from time to time. I'm surprised they haven't fucked yet or one of them sucked on something. It is too vague to believe that they are two boys playing in the sandbox.

    There is a such thing as men (regardless of sexuality) showing affection platonically. But this seems to be a little bit more than just "Me and my boy kick it from time to time....playing Xbox...We might hug each other to show love...Smoke weed...Shit like that".

    And a lot of gay and especially bisexual men identify as straight. That doesn't mean that the identification strikes out any same sex attraction (even for most of their lives). Attraction can be suppressed and ignored and you can try to conform and not act on it. But attraction is one hell of a drug.
     
    #8 Dante, Apr 30, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 30, 2019
  9. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    Ijs, I don't personally feel the need to label something as pg as a lil 'make out' session. Obviously 100% straight men aren't making it a habit to go around kissing other men, but if it's gonna take work/money/special circumstances to get you to go any further w a man, im just gonna leave you in the 'straight' pile for all intents and purposes.
     
    NewAfrikan and takeyourmeds91 dapped this.
  10. Infinite_loop

    Infinite_loop Is this thing on?
    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    781
    Daps Received:
    2,758
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK
    Orientation:
    SGL
    Dating:
    Single
    You've done what at work? let me find out.... I will call a NYC intervention[​IMG]
     
    takeyourmeds91 and SB3 dapped this.
  11. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    Old news. Just had a refresher ass mofo who likes me when he's drunk. And that's ok. Str8 pile.
     
    Infinite_loop dapped this.
  12. takeyourmeds91

    The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2016
    Messages:
    774
    Daps Received:
    3,183
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    FL
    But again, you're feeding right back into the double-standard that you just pointed out lmao

    There's nothing inherent in our DNA that says that heterosexual men are absolutely not attracted to the same sex ever. I swear we do so much to take away our humanity sometimes lol
     
    Infinite_loop and SB3 dapped this.
  13. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    No 'dap' option on this post, ijs
     
  14. Infinite_loop

    Infinite_loop Is this thing on?
    Bae Material The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    781
    Daps Received:
    2,758
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK
    Orientation:
    SGL
    Dating:
    Single
    get em liqueur-d up huh? :johnwall:
     
  15. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    I would never...
     
  16. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    1: I didn't create the double standard. Blame the heteros who birthed it in our society.

    2: If you are sexually attracted to the same gender, you are not straight. Identifying as straight won't change that and acting or suppressing your attraction won't either.

    We as gay and bisexual men need to stop personally fetishizing over straight men. And with that, we also need to STOP trying to advocate for opportunities to take away their straight card, simply bc we wants them. This is part of the issue with the man referenced in this post.

    If a man identifies as straight man, I won't give him the time of day bc I know that there is a brick wall either bc of him actually being gay or bi but is choosing to conform and suppress his sexuality or he is indeed straight and that's that. Im not going to put myself in a room by myself for there to be a chance I could kiss him or even suck his dick, bc the next day, he possibly would not have an issue with feeling a certain way about my gay ass. I damn sure won't be doing that for a year and Im still staring at a brick wall.
     
    #16 Dante, May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  17. takeyourmeds91

    The 1000 Daps Club

    Joined:
    Apr 27, 2016
    Messages:
    774
    Daps Received:
    3,183
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    FL
    I didn't say you created the double-standard, just that you perpetuate it...which I feel is to the detriment of our community - both lgbt and black.

    The ultimate question is why do we put such hard constraints on men when we don't do that for women. The conversation you posed is NEVER placed on women. The support for your argument was solely focused on men and never once did you mention women.

    If we want to add validity to this "1-drop rule" in sexuality where you fuck around once and you're bi at best, then it needs to be applied across the board.

    The sooner we allow people to express their sexuality without unnecessarily constraining them, the sooner we can start having real experiences and relationships with one another without the pressure of having to conform and put up "brick walls" from the get-go.
     
    #17 takeyourmeds91, May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  18. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
    Zero fetish. I just like masculine men, and unfortunately, a lot of gay and bisexual men lack masculinity. I'm 10000% unapologetic about that. If more of them stopped wanting to live their homegirls' existences, we'd be in a better place.
     
  19. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    39
    Joined:
    Aug 31, 2015
    Messages:
    3,536
    Daps Received:
    8,241
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    BK, NY
  20. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    I addressed the fetishizing of straight men which is real not masculine men vs. feminine men.
     
  21. Dante

    Dante https://www.gofundme.com/qv7v5dw
    The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    40
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Messages:
    874
    Daps Received:
    1,245
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Baltimore, MD
    Orientation:
    Homosexual
    Dating:
    Single
    I stated FACTS. I did not perpetuate one thing.
    I responded based on the post.

    We as non straight men have to realize that just bc we get a chance to fool around or make out with a straight dude (either by a crazy circumstance or whateva) doesnt mean he wont go back into his space and build an alliance with you just because you got a pass. Just leave the straight men alone and stop trying to lure them into our space sexually. It will save us a lot of wasted time.

    As for why a lot of men can't be honest and free sexually, I will send your concerns to the heteros who can respond. They created toxic masculinity, homo/biphobia and double standard on sexuality with women vs men. Sorry!
     
    #21 Dante, May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
Loading...
Similar Threads - secretly kiss sleep Forum Date
How the Seattle Police Secretly—and Illegally—Purchased a Tool for Tracking Your Social Media Posts Race, Religion, Science and Politics Sep 30, 2016
Gym members creeped out by secretly recorded videos Sports and Athletes Apr 17, 2016
Mom Flips her ish - Her son kissing his homeboy Group Discussions Dec 5, 2018
"Kissing" cousin Group Discussions Feb 3, 2018
Can We Talk About Tom Brady Kissing His 11-Year-Old Son on the Mouth for a Long Time? Sports and Athletes Feb 1, 2018

Share This Page

Loading...