What or How Long does it take to fall in love?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Kouncelor, Oct 23, 2015.

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  1. Kouncelor

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    I have been in date mode for a while now. I have met some really nice guys that I could love, but I am definately not "in love" with any of them. Reviewing past significant relationshiops I realize that love came down quite quickly. Is it really possible to fall in love at first sight? What does it take? Is it measurable? How long?
     
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  2. OckyDub

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    I'm to cautious to fall in love quickly and I'm good with that
     
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  3. Infinite_loop

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    I have fallen in love a couple of times. I am a hopeless romantic, I yearn for long 60-years holding-hands-growing-old together types of relationships. However, It takes me a while to fall in love with anyone. I really do a throughout vetting. The downside of that, is it takes me a while to get over someone also. There lies the catch-22...oh well
     
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  4. Kouncelor

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    So, @Infinite_loop, you control falling in love based of the results of your vetting?
    Is "falling in love" more mechanical for you, or emotional with a touch of that unknown (we'll call it spiritual)?
     
  5. Discordant

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    Well my parents got engaged on their first date and have been happily married for 33 years so I believe in love at first sight. But, I think black gay men have so many complexes we wouldn't know what it was if it slapped us in the face, and we spend so much time talking ourselves out of it or waiting for the other shoe to drop that we miss out on opportunities for love.

    There's no real time limit to put on love; it happens organically which means it could take a second or a year. It depends on the receptiveness of those involved, I think.
     
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  6. Kouncelor

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    "Love happens organically...." @Discordant, I like that (stealing it). My parents didn't meet but a few times before eloping (and telling their parents 2 years later). It has now been 56 years.
     
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  7. Infinite_loop

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    Falling in love for me is not mechanical at all. I would "vetting" here is a very subjective term. I was referring to my lover having a compatible personality with my own or that It takes me a while to "get to know" someone
     
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  8. Infinite_loop

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    I agree wholeheartedly
     
  9. ControlledXaos

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    There's different kinds of and depths of love.

    I can love you and not like you. Like you and not love you. Love you and not care about you. Love you enough to kiss you in public but not enough to cut your toe nails , or wipe your but if you become a quadriplegic.

    Love at First Sight exists for some but not for me. I just am too jaded and experienced now to belive in it... for me. Lust at First Sight? Yes. That's actually more real as I've had sexual relationships that were just that and the chemistry was awesome for that but I wasn't about to put my trust and invest my dreams.

    I do think that you can find some one you truly connect with outside of and beyond the physical and sexual attraction but love still needs to grow into that space along with trust and bonding with this person. So for me, if there's no trust there can't be love and it takes a long time to build trust.
     
  10. BlackExcellence

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    Hmm I don't know about love at first site I don't think you can truly love someone until it passes some adversities. Now I will say you can definitely "like at first site". Like meet someone and you click and connect in a way where you're instantly mutually attracted and both parties want to explore more.
     
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  11. cypher21

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    That's a great question, I wouldn't mind experiencing it for myself one day but unless I do I'm inclined to believe that it isn't real. The main thing i keep thinking about when it comes to this topic is....how? How can you love someone you don't know? What about them do you love? You can't just love someone based on appearances (that's what lust is for like Controlled mentioned). You love them for their personality because you don't what it's like, so when then what actually is it then?

    Don't get me wrong I don't knock anyone for how they feel if I haven't felt it also, this is just something I think about. Maybe it is a form of love, but any lasting relationship is going to result from forming a deeper connection and understanding of a person and that takes time. Maybe not years and years of time but odds are if a random guy out in public stops me and says he's in love with me I wouldn't buy it.

    In short, how long does it take to fall in love? Not very long. How long does it take to stay in love?? Probably a lot longer.
     
    #11 cypher21, Oct 24, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
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  12. Kouncelor

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    On that last statement, yes, staying in love takes work... I believe.
     
  13. JodyBell87

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    I really do not think there is a set time to love/fall in love. I think it truly depends on the dynamic of the relationship. I def believe there is a difference between loving someone, and being IN LOVE with someone; love obviously occurring first. For me, I can love you, but it takes a second before I can say I am IN LOVE. You have to truly make me feel at ease with all my guards dropped for that to occur.
     
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  14. Dante

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    Yes, it is possible. However, it doesn't happen to everyone. And for some people, to determine that, they have to know there's a BIG difference between "Love At First Sight" vs. "Lust At First Sight".
     
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  15. Kouncelor

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    @Dante : What do you think the difference between two? How do you think Love differs from infactuation?
     
  16. Dante

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    Well the difference is that lust is based on attraction and love is based on compatibility leading into knowing that person is someone you see yourself being with (dating, relationship). It's automatic that you are either attracted or not to someone from the moment you visually look at that person because of your personal standards and preference of the type of person you like. However, love goes much deeper than that. Love develops through getting past all of that and actually reading book, not just the book cover. Sometimes people think that just because they are attracted to someone that they are automatically in love. That's not love, that's lust because of your physical/sexual attraction to that person.
     
  17. Jdudre

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    I think love at first sight not only possible but a very real thing. Falling in love is easy but actual keeping a relationship going is the hard part
     
  18. Nick Delmacy

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    Love at first sight is totally possible. Especially since love isn't even quantifiable or describable really. Its just a feeling. I'm not really a sucka for love but I def can wear my feeling on my sleeve when it comes to a person I'm digging tough.

    This is one of the main problems I have with many gay men, especially the more masculine types. They often play hard to get or act like they need long periods of time to decide that they even like a guy, let alone love him. If you need weeks or months to determine that you dig me, I'm not the one for you.
     
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  19. Cyrus-Brooks

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    I believe in lust at first sight but not love at first sight. How can you love someone you don't even know? What most people think is love is really just attraction.
     
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  20. Dr. Strange

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    I can't say I'm a believer of love at first sight, but I've never been "in love" before. But I do believe good men go after what they want and will put themselves in that "vulnerable" position to get it. So something more like "active interest" rather than "love at first sight".

    I think love is really something that grows between two people over time.
     
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  21. grownman

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    I guess that's why I am single. I was in a 5yr relationship and it took me a couple of months to say I was in love. I don't know. But, as I said the relationship ended last summer a couple of weeks after my b-day.

    hmmm.gif
     
  22. Nick Delmacy

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    A couple months is not bad either...I was speaking on the guys who take months just to say the like the other guy...or to even call him their "boyfriend" or "main dude." At this point I'm on some "what are we doing here" shit after a 2-3 months, unless we establish in the beginning that its just a cuffin season or strictly casual thing.
     
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  23. Michael

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    I describe love as magic. It is an indescribable feeling that does something to a person. It can bring out the best and worst in you. Do I believe that you can feel love for someone at first sight. Um...I go back and forth. If we're going by love is a "feeling" then yes I think it's possible. Now if we're going by love is an "action" then I'd say no. You're drawn to them, intrigued, attracted, etc. and you feel all of that for the idea of the person, but once you get to know them that could completely change. I have no idea lol
     
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  24. tigerbreaux

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    I believe in instant attraction and lust at first sight, but for me I'm all about personality so I can definitely "fall" for someone after first interaction, but not sight. I've never been in love so there's that, but I've loved a couple people. I can love but not be IN love. There's a stark contrast for me.
     
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  25. Dr. Strange

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    In my experience, guys have a real hard time being vulnerable. Plus they don't usually have the endurance or patience to sift through potentials, myself included. Alot of guys have this "imma do me" can live with or without love persona, which can come off as nonchalant and even unattractive.
     
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  26. Cyrus-Brooks

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    This is spot on. I've experienced this many times myself and have done it as well. I think a lot of guys become cautious after a couple of bad experiences. It seems like if you express that you like a dude too soon, either he turns to stone and starts pushing you away, or he thinks you're thirsty and uses your feelings against you by playing mind games. Heterosexual dudes do this to women often times when she catches feelingso too soon. Masculine gay men don't want to be put in that emotionally vulnerable position only to played.
     
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  27. tigerbreaux

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    That may be the case for some people, but I think it all boils down to how they would be perceived by others. He doesn't want YOU to think he is a certain way and/or don't want to come to turns with their own feelings or insecurities. Once you become secure in-self, all that stuff disappears or drastically subsides. I don't care how much you like someone, if you're not right within, it won't work.
     
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  28. Michael

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    I agree with this 100%.
     
  29. Dr. Strange

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    Hmm, but what about people who become better by liking someone. I think caring about someone else can bring out better qualities in one's self and even allow one to face and overcome there demons.

    It's impossible to go into anything 100 percent secure.
     
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  30. tigerbreaux

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    Absolutely, there are definitely those cases, but I think that's more in the minority than people would like to believe lol. Mainly because most people don't have time the time or patience to stick around. It's more likely that the other dude will realize what he had after the fact.
     
  31. Dr. Strange

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    Whether or not the relationship continued is irreverent. The point is that the relationship or whatever it was served its purpose in allowing that person to understand they have issues, which they might have not realized any simply being alone. It brought things to the surface.
     
  32. tigerbreaux

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    Ok fair enough, but if you revisit my initial comment all I said was "I don't care how much you like someone, if you're not right within, it won't work." I never gave a path for how they would get right with themselves. You just reinforced my point lol.
     
  33. Dr. Strange

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    You state that someone has to rather secure to even be or start a working relationship. I rebutted that by saying people can flourish in a relationship. Out original points are completely different.
     
  34. Nick Delmacy

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    Yeah I agree. All this is why I over all the games. I'm not talking marriage after a month or so, just at least being able to say we're into each other and we're each other's dude. I've been on both sides of this in the past as well and 90% of the time that the other dude expressed his feelings for me and I then started pushing away, I ended up regretting it later because I ended up losing him altogether. And vice versa, some dudes have come back texting me after getting ghost but by then I was over it and them (for various reasons including the sting of rejection).

    If a dude takes less time to decide on buying a house or new car note than to decide that he's digging me enough to call me his dude, that tells me he's playing the field or he's just not that into me. As someone who already has limited time to date and invest in one-sided unrequited situations, I had to start putting expiration dates on the courting periods.
     
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  35. Dr. Strange

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    Question, from the past you have said you usually date younger, no? So, are you yourself not putting yourself in these somewhat precarious situations?
     
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