Would you Stay and Sacrifice?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by OckyDub, Aug 18, 2018.

  1. OckyDub

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    @RolandG, @Lancer and @Nick Delmacy have really laid out for me the current troubles with dating (apps) via recent threads. In one of those (or it might have been a profile post) Nick summarized..."that's why I feel that if you find someone and you've been together for years you should stick it out".

    In many of these same posts or other threads, members list things "that pisses them off", about guys. For example, guys who are quiet or don't talk during sex.

    My question is would the things that piss you off or you don't like cause you to either:

    • Not be in a relationship with him, even though he meets 85% of your qualifications?

    • If you were already in a long term relationship (3+ yrs), cause you to break up even though they meet 70% of your qualifications?
     
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  2. acessential

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    Nobody is perfect and I think folks always have these unrealistic expectations that a "better" one is out there so they immediately move on to the next dude. Folks should realize that 95% of the things folks complain about can be resolved or at least alleviated. Just talk to each other like adults. If they're really into you, they'll listen. And likewise, you'll listen to them. Think sex needs to improve? Say something. Want more dates? Bring it up. Stop thinking someone is going to come prepackaged and perfect. Relationships should get better with time because you're constantly trying to improve for yourself and each other.
     
  3. Lancer

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    If he were to meet 85% of my qualifications, I think, cancel that I KNOW I will still proceed to be in a relationship with him. However, I would let him know he was to work on those things that piss me off and I myself will try to not sweat them as much as I did. This is because 85% is a huge percent and he is into me too? C'mon!

    If we were already in a relationship, it would not make me break up with him. I will point them out to him and work them out or work around them. We are dealing with 3+ years and 70% qualifications met, can't just throw those away esp in dire times like these.
     
  4. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    I'm the Jerry Seinfeld of black gay dating, I usually find the one thing that annoys me and magnify it to the point where I can't date the dude anymore. 85% is nothing if the 15% are the absolute worst things that annoy/bother you.

    A person I talked to in the past (one that you know @OckyDub) was super compatible with me...EXCEPT that he was judgmental as FUCK. I was always worried about what I was saying or doing wrong and what I wasn't living up to compared to others, especially when he was with another mutual friend (who you met/know as well Ocky).

    But being honest, I'm not perfect. So I'm sure there are many dudes that I dated who barely tolerated me as well. So its a two way street. I think we said all that stuff about modern dating because, in my ATL experience, its hard to make it past the getting to know you phase because a lot of guys are either juggling 5 dudes (I was guilty of this in the past), or they are using you as a time-filler until the flaky muscular nigga that they REALLY want stops playing and realizes that they should settle for them. This leads to the post that you mentioned, things dudes do that pisses us off. They'll make plans w you then get ghost b/c the other flaky nigga texted them back out the blue. Like I've said before, I've had a dude hugged up w me on my couch, drinking my liquor, watching movies on my TV all while texting niggas and making plans FOR LATER THAT NIGHT.

    If you can stay in a relationship, do so. If not, def be prepared to be single for awhile or be willing to jump into something with dudes who only meet 25-50% of your needs.
     
  5. Lancer

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    All of this!!!
    A dude I a talking to told me he got 'Situationships' going on now, about 4. When we talk I just feel like a time filler, and homeboy does leave me hanging when he gets attention from his main target. I told myself I would not be a time filler with him and now limit our interactions.
    25-50% is really sad. Honestly, knowing myself I would entertain it for a while, then that hate that I am settling with such a low percent will rise up and I will break it off. Would prefer to be single for a while than fluctuating/functioning at such a low %.
     
  6. SB3

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    *Warning: Veers off topic and onto rant-ish*

    I feel like the problem, regardless of sexuality, is the laissez faire approach ppl take when it comes to dating on apps. Swiping left is literally like a handheld game you play to pass time. The entire approach is completely different from in person meetings, for many. While 'Mike' may be swipe #37, and you've decided he 'seems' _____ based on ____, if he were asking you to exchange info at the bar or mall, you'd probably be more receptive. For the gays, combine that with the normalcy of always looking for 'right now', and...smh. Go figure guys are fickle as fuk.

    Point is, when it comes to the 2 options ocky presented, most cant even get to the point of the second one being a realistic option. As I always say, ppl STAY 'red flag hunting'. They're looking for a reason to swipe left and maintain that normalcy of things meeting the low expectations you've set for them. These dudes aren't even thinking about 85%>15%. As we all know, 'there's plenty of fish in the sea'. Only problem is, we act like they're all lined up waiting for us to choose them at our convenience, like we're on 'The Bachelor'. I'm not saying make your only requirement be that the dude has a pulse, but I am saying that too many guys are alrdy 'over' dude because he did/does/says/wears something that has now, unfortunately, come to define him in their books.

    Now, for that small population of rare (some might say mythical) gay men who manage to get to a 3 year mark, the mature ones are more likely to take the 70% and run! While a lot of gay men have these wide eyed ideals of how relationships are supposed to work, anyone 3 years in understands that you have to continually put in that work. Once you've really learned what it means to pick and choose your battles w a mofo, aint nobody trying to go back to swiping left.
     
    #6 SB3, Aug 19, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2018
  7. OckyDub

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    :birdman2::camby:
     
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  8. jusrawb

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    I talk about this all the time with my best friend. He feels as though why waste his time, if he sees something he doesn't like he is out of there. Speaking from experience If i would have had that mindset I don't think me and boyfriend would be together today after 8 years. Everything we've been through I always thought he was worth getting through the hard times with. To me that's what really defines a relationship, making it through the hardships together. Most people these days want instant relationships but have no clue it takes time and sacrifice to develop a strong bond and its a on going effort from both parties.
     
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  9. Lancer

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    [​IMG]
     
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  10. Mrmack8913

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    If a guy had met 85% of my requirements depending on wat the other 15% entails I would totally be open to dating. The issue lies in what Nick mentioned. Modern dating is basically getting stuck in a grey area/situationship vortex where you barely get passed the getting to know you stage. So more often than not u barely get to know a dude before he inevitably goes ghost. As such most like myself don't even get to really date to even get to 3 years.

    What also feeds into this is the red flags. I'm much like Nick in that I will let a small thing magnify to something larger. But I kinda feel like that's a defense mechanism. I've had a dude eat my food, smoke my weed, have good sex, watch Netflix movies and talk, jus to flip and act like he didnt know who I was after he invited me over. You never really know with men and their fickle ways. So when I do see a flaw, even a small one, I keep it in my back pocket for when dude eventually shows his ass. It's sad but it's a side effect of gay dating.
     
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  11. Nick Delmacy

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    Here's the other thing: You can say to yourself, "maybe if I'm upfront on what my expectations are, the dudes will not waste time." So you change your approach or app profile to say: I'm looking to date, relationship oriented. No hookups.

    You would think this would filter out all the guys who just want to fuck and the guys who just want to collect friends. Nope, they still hit you up saying they want the same and end up wasting your time with flakiness and ghosting. Like @SB3 said, many guys are just on the app b/c they're bored and its one of many "games" on their phone.

    I'll add one more thing, I've been told that I need to lower my standards so I may be an exception to the rule. Tons of Squad Members are in successful relationships so maybe the problem is me, not the guys on the apps.

    Either way, I'm at the same point as @jusrawb's friend. I don't even bother anymore. The time spent on these dudes isn't rewarding, especially since most times we don't even make it to having sex. And I'm not saying that to be in a pity party, I'm okay with it. I got Netflix, Video Games and Porn...those three things are more reliably rewarding with my time than any of these dudes. Cuffing Season is upon us soon so maybe then I'll get back on the market and be aggressive with meeting guys in person.
     
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  12. Lancer

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    I was just thinking about this today. Guy's who got you on their list will start sending that 'good morning' text and giving you attention just to have the options on who to shack with during the cold months. Errma Gawd! I hope I don't fall for it.
    [​IMG]
     
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  13. SB3

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    This! Social media has spoiled ppls minds w these ideas of instant gratification across the board.

    747b388abf806eace4febf55841285da.jpg

    You get instant grat, you get instant grat, YOU GET INSTANT GRAT!!!!!

    Mofos are out here shutting down candidates left and, well, left, over the silliest things. I have a friend who is soooo closed minded. We were out one night w a small group and a member bumps into an old friend of his. This blast from the past friend is fine. (My physical attraction to guys may be all over the place, but I don't throw out 'fine', like that. This dude was FINE. And w someone...because of course). Anyhoo, my friend says 'he was fine, but then i saw his boots..no thanks', or something like that. When I tell yall I wanted to bust him upside the head!!

    kick.gif

    This dude had on some kind of fashionable boot (idk, neither did my friend, cus he's far from fashionable...) but it wasn't even feminine. It just had a lil somethin goin on, and wasn't a timb. But he'll be the first one complaining to me about the difficulties out here trying to date w the gays!

    But here's the best part..he'll also be the one talking about trying something new since xyz isn't working. Yall kill with this 'something new'. So now, eventho his biggest deal is masculinity, he's gonna try to date a softer 'nice' guy who has on loafers, but is ready to shut down a good looking, masc (seeming...it was a short convo) dude because of his shoes!? Because obvs this dude is hiding a pocketbook w lipstick and a wig in THOSE boots! Smh. This whole something new thing is great if you normally try to date prison pen pals (don't judge me), but you're wasting ALL of our time trying to make fetch happen by pretending to be ok w certain things.
     
  14. SB3

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    While we're at it, can we just shine a light on ppl expecting and wanting too much from their (potential) partners. I hate that ppl think their dude is supposed to be their goto for all things. Yall dont have to have EVERYTHING in common. If I was limited to guys who were into the same tv as me, I'd be forced to pick from Shady Pines and Rikers.

    Part of the dating process (you know, that thing blks and ESP blk gays are new to...tellem @Nick Delmacy ) is doing things that either party does or might enjoy. If he has 'nigga ears' (if you know where this is from I'll love you long time) then see if he's even open to listening to your fav afropunk, backpack or alternative band before you write him off. And even if yall are just never gonna see eye to eye on music, then so fukn what?! If you allow yourselves to maintain your identities as 2 individuals who had their own lives before your relationship, then you'll still have your friends to go to those concerts with.

    Gay dudes getting ready to go on Tinder:

    510948995-612x612.jpg
     
  15. SB3

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    Don't forget, there's a difference between lowering your standards and being realistic with your expectations. Red flag hunting is bad, but so is trying to make fetch happen w some dude ur not remotely into.

    You obvs want u a bae, but if you can confirm you're not doing the previously mentioned things, then I'll approve your application to join us on a trial basis here at #TeamTowelTossed.
     
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  16. Lancer

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    This thread has got me analyzing all my dates over the last two years and I noticed they ALL NEVER got past the getting to know you phase. Also none of them had anything sexual within them, just plain ole talking and dates. Even the most current, two weeks ago, did not make it past. Damn, I am fucked!!!
    [​IMG]
     
    #16 Lancer, Aug 21, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2018
  17. Nick Delmacy

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    This thread turned into a gripe session but its really not as bad out here as we're making it. I think many of us are just hypersensitive to the complications of dating when really the struggles aren't than much different than they were for past generations.
     
  18. Cyrus-Brooks

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    I think the one of the reasons why a lot of black gay men are single is because they are expecting their dream man who checks all the boxes to come into their lives. The problem such a man only exists in their imaginations so they cast aside perfectly good potential mates even though they meet 70% or even 85% of the qualifications. This is a clear cut case of the perfect being the enemy of the good. I used to do the same thing myself when I was single and passed up on some good bruthas that might have worked out. Once I stopped doing that I had more luck in dating and eventually found someone I wanted to partner up with long term. We need to learn to cut each other some slack. The perfect man doesn't exist, but there lots of good men out if you give them a chance.
     
  19. Nick Delmacy

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    Via @Infinite_loop: “Don’t Get Your Hopes Up” Is the Dating Mantra of 2018

    "Read the sign, toots — we don’t serve relationships here. Here, we host awkward Tinder dates with two outcomes, and two outcomes only. One, you meet, have some drinks, then never speak to each other again because he wasn’t as funny as he seemed over text and you seemed like you might have a problem with his propensity to leave his underwear on the floor. Or, two: you meet, have some drinks, have B-grade sex at whoever’s residence is closer/cleaner, then never speak to each other again. Hashtag dating."

    [​IMG]
     
  20. SB3

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    Cosign the spiral into a gripe session, but I DEF think it's much different than for past generations. The sheer amount of access to others that apps provide vs real life encounters of yesteryear just really is a double edge sword. The indifference is real.
     
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  21. Nick Delmacy

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    I hear you and agree in some ways but I disagree many other ways. Everyone's experience is different so clearly there are no wrong answers. But I believe you're in a relationship and have been for many years. I think the main common denominator that us single guys (especially us non-thots) are all finding (no matter what city/state we're in) is the way technology and social media have been pervasive in the culture in the last 5 years and how it has affected dating in general.

    True, there are tons of men looking for Mr Perfect. But I feel like 5-10 years ago, the dating scene was much different. Even me looking at my old articles and essays on the site, I was more active and assertive about dating because back then guys at least were participating. Now I feel like too many dudes are "passively dating."

    I'm totally okay with being rejected. Has happened all my dating life. But now so many dudes don't even let you get far enough to get rejected. There's just an apathetic back-and-forth on apps that most times doesn't even lead to meeting up...yet they keep messaging you! With every new message I'm like, "are you interested or not bruh, lets meet up." Then crickets...until a day or week later when they're asking you, "Sup, stranger?"

    :dahell::mindblown::rudy:

    [​IMG]
     
  22. Lancer

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    Folks who have been in relationships for a while always seem to have that undertone of 'you must be doing something wrong' when they give those that are single advice. Not considering that they might have lucked out before it all became a mess or things are not just as they were when they were in the field.
     
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  23. SB3

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    RIP ocky's short, concise post just asking a couple questions...

    :mjcry1:

    Yall should be ashamed...
     
  24. jusrawb

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    Its sounds like we have the same friend. I guess this mindset it very common.
     
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  25. BlackguyExecutive

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    There will always be something bigger and better in our imaginations. Our mind plays games by allowing us to believe in the mythical realities where relationships are perfect. On the contrary, relationships are hard work and you won't get everything you ever dreamed of because...well, dreams are not real. Maintaining meaningful relationships requires sacrifice but that should always be a two-way street. I like the box metaphor:

    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
     
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  26. Lancer

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  27. Jai

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    This post is like I'm getting a chance to watch a documentary....
     
  28. Nick Delmacy

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    I just wanna add that contrary to how it may be perceived based on my comments on the site, the amount of time I actually think about and spend working on dating and finding men to day only takes up about 2% of my day. Which could also be a reason I've had difficulties. I'm not on apps, not going to bars, not meeting men in public, not getting blind dates set up by friends and I'm not even usual this website to meet guys. I happily occupy my time with work, this website and recreational activities (usually solo). But like I said, maybe around September/October, when cuffing season begins, I'll become more active again.
     
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  29. Lancer

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    [​IMG]
    Yes, we are well aware of this, you reaffirm it every time there is a topic like this.
     
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  30. Nick Delmacy

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  31. Lancer

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