*Warning: Veers off topic and onto rant-ish*
I feel like the problem, regardless of sexuality, is the laissez faire approach ppl take when it comes to dating on apps. Swiping left is literally like a handheld game you play to pass time. The entire approach is completely different from in person meetings, for many. While 'Mike' may be swipe #37, and you've decided he 'seems' _____ based on ____, if he were asking you to exchange info at the bar or mall, you'd probably be more receptive. For the gays, combine that with the normalcy of always looking for 'right now', and...smh. Go figure guys are fickle as fuk.
Point is, when it comes to the 2 options ocky presented, most cant even get to the point of the second one being a realistic option. As I always say, ppl STAY 'red flag hunting'. They're looking for a reason to swipe left and maintain that normalcy of things meeting the low expectations you've set for them. These dudes aren't even thinking about 85%>15%. As we all know, 'there's plenty of fish in the sea'. Only problem is, we act like they're all lined up waiting for us to choose them at our convenience, like we're on 'The Bachelor'. I'm not saying make your only requirement be that the dude has a pulse, but I am saying that too many guys are alrdy 'over' dude because he did/does/says/wears something that has now, unfortunately, come to define him in their books.
Now, for that small population of rare (some might say mythical) gay men who manage to get to a 3 year mark, the mature ones are more likely to take the 70% and run! While a lot of gay men have these wide eyed ideals of how relationships are supposed to work, anyone 3 years in understands that you have to continually put in that work. Once you've really learned what it means to pick and choose your battles w a mofo, aint nobody trying to go back to swiping left.
Best Posts in Thread: Would you Stay and Sacrifice?
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Nobody is perfect and I think folks always have these unrealistic expectations that a "better" one is out there so they immediately move on to the next dude. Folks should realize that 95% of the things folks complain about can be resolved or at least alleviated. Just talk to each other like adults. If they're really into you, they'll listen. And likewise, you'll listen to them. Think sex needs to improve? Say something. Want more dates? Bring it up. Stop thinking someone is going to come prepackaged and perfect. Relationships should get better with time because you're constantly trying to improve for yourself and each other.
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Nick Delmacy Da ArchitectSite Founder The 10000 Daps Club
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I'm the Jerry Seinfeld of black gay dating, I usually find the one thing that annoys me and magnify it to the point where I can't date the dude anymore. 85% is nothing if the 15% are the absolute worst things that annoy/bother you.
A person I talked to in the past (one that you know @OckyDub) was super compatible with me...EXCEPT that he was judgmental as FUCK. I was always worried about what I was saying or doing wrong and what I wasn't living up to compared to others, especially when he was with another mutual friend (who you met/know as well Ocky).
But being honest, I'm not perfect. So I'm sure there are many dudes that I dated who barely tolerated me as well. So its a two way street. I think we said all that stuff about modern dating because, in my ATL experience, its hard to make it past the getting to know you phase because a lot of guys are either juggling 5 dudes (I was guilty of this in the past), or they are using you as a time-filler until the flaky muscular nigga that they REALLY want stops playing and realizes that they should settle for them. This leads to the post that you mentioned, things dudes do that pisses us off. They'll make plans w you then get ghost b/c the other flaky nigga texted them back out the blue. Like I've said before, I've had a dude hugged up w me on my couch, drinking my liquor, watching movies on my TV all while texting niggas and making plans FOR LATER THAT NIGHT.
If you can stay in a relationship, do so. If not, def be prepared to be single for awhile or be willing to jump into something with dudes who only meet 25-50% of your needs.acessential, BlackguyExecutive, I-Stay-Woke and 4 others dapped this. -
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There will always be something bigger and better in our imaginations. Our mind plays games by allowing us to believe in the mythical realities where relationships are perfect. On the contrary, relationships are hard work and you won't get everything you ever dreamed of because...well, dreams are not real. Maintaining meaningful relationships requires sacrifice but that should always be a two-way street. I like the box metaphor:
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If a guy had met 85% of my requirements depending on wat the other 15% entails I would totally be open to dating. The issue lies in what Nick mentioned. Modern dating is basically getting stuck in a grey area/situationship vortex where you barely get passed the getting to know you stage. So more often than not u barely get to know a dude before he inevitably goes ghost. As such most like myself don't even get to really date to even get to 3 years.
What also feeds into this is the red flags. I'm much like Nick in that I will let a small thing magnify to something larger. But I kinda feel like that's a defense mechanism. I've had a dude eat my food, smoke my weed, have good sex, watch Netflix movies and talk, jus to flip and act like he didnt know who I was after he invited me over. You never really know with men and their fickle ways. So when I do see a flaw, even a small one, I keep it in my back pocket for when dude eventually shows his ass. It's sad but it's a side effect of gay dating.acessential, takeyourmeds91, SB3 and 3 others dapped this. -
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Via @Infinite_loop: “Don’t Get Your Hopes Up” Is the Dating Mantra of 2018
"Read the sign, toots — we don’t serve relationships here. Here, we host awkward Tinder dates with two outcomes, and two outcomes only. One, you meet, have some drinks, then never speak to each other again because he wasn’t as funny as he seemed over text and you seemed like you might have a problem with his propensity to leave his underwear on the floor. Or, two: you meet, have some drinks, have B-grade sex at whoever’s residence is closer/cleaner, then never speak to each other again. Hashtag dating."
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I think the one of the reasons why a lot of black gay men are single is because they are expecting their dream man who checks all the boxes to come into their lives. The problem such a man only exists in their imaginations so they cast aside perfectly good potential mates even though they meet 70% or even 85% of the qualifications. This is a clear cut case of the perfect being the enemy of the good. I used to do the same thing myself when I was single and passed up on some good bruthas that might have worked out. Once I stopped doing that I had more luck in dating and eventually found someone I wanted to partner up with long term. We need to learn to cut each other some slack. The perfect man doesn't exist, but there lots of good men out if you give them a chance.
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True, there are tons of men looking for Mr Perfect. But I feel like 5-10 years ago, the dating scene was much different. Even me looking at my old articles and essays on the site, I was more active and assertive about dating because back then guys at least were participating. Now I feel like too many dudes are "passively dating."
I'm totally okay with being rejected. Has happened all my dating life. But now so many dudes don't even let you get far enough to get rejected. There's just an apathetic back-and-forth on apps that most times doesn't even lead to meeting up...yet they keep messaging you! With every new message I'm like, "are you interested or not bruh, lets meet up." Then crickets...until a day or week later when they're asking you, "Sup, stranger?"
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I talk about this all the time with my best friend. He feels as though why waste his time, if he sees something he doesn't like he is out of there. Speaking from experience If i would have had that mindset I don't think me and boyfriend would be together today after 8 years. Everything we've been through I always thought he was worth getting through the hard times with. To me that's what really defines a relationship, making it through the hardships together. Most people these days want instant relationships but have no clue it takes time and sacrifice to develop a strong bond and its a on going effort from both parties.
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