Written Letter? Text Message? Phone Convo? Face-to-Face?

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nigerian Prince, Jan 29, 2016.

  1. Nigerian Prince

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    So a few of you already know bout a guy that I was swooning over from all of my status updates.

    For those of you who've recently been in relationships, how did you tell the guy that you were into him? Was it a situation you played by ear? Was it something where you (or he) was straight up and spoke about your (or his) physical attraction to him (or you)?

    I will see the guy perform on Saturday night for a showcase he's doing with his band. He can really sing and I do fancy him.

    Just wanted to see what you guys think and also hear from your own experiences.
     
  2. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    This is why I no longer do the "just hanging out" and "friends first, we'll see where it goes from there" thing...too much ambiguity.

    The dudes who I've dated over the past 7 years all knew that I was feeling them. Him agreeing to go out with me on a date was indication that they were feeling me too. Him letting me kiss him and him kissing me back (on the first date) was confirmation he had a physical attraction. Agreeing to or taking initiative to go on a second date seals the deal.

    The rest of the squad may disagree with me but if you're already feeling the dude after one meeting, I say just tell him. Don't literally say that. Just throw it out there that you wanna go out on a real date with him, not just hang out. No expectations, but an official date. He'll get the message. Saves time, you'll get it off your chest and you'll know where he stands as well. He may be feeling the same way. Then you can stop all the "we're just hanging out" nonsense.

    If he only wants to be friends, at least now you know because you took initiative. You can still be his friend but you'll be open to dating other men who ARE feeling you romantically, not distracted by butterflies of uncertainty with the singer dude.
     
  3. Nigerian Prince

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    That's a nice point of view on the situation @Nick Delmacy! I like that! I kind of wonder what I should do now because there is all of the ambiguity now. I could tell that he was picking up a vibe from me because the night I laid eyes on him in the bar I was really feeling him. His dark skin tone, his vibe, our convo, etc. Maybe I should be like "hey I want us to go on a real date now. Just you and I."

    I wonder what everyone else thinks on here.
     
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  4. Jaa

    Jaa
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    It's funny that your post's title begins with "Written Letter?". I liked @NickAuzenneNOLA's story about his friend giving him a letter detailing his feelings, but I think most young people would find it off-putting and think, "Who writes letters?" especially in this case where you've only gone on one informal date. Personally, I think I'd initially be surprised but also intrigued because it would be so odd, unexpected and unlike the average younger guy who so often seems to look for ways to shorten their discourse.

    Direct seems effective. From this and the virgin thread, you sound like you know you want to date and not some "we're hanging out and having a good time but playing it cool 'cause it's not anything official and I don't want to pressure him, but we're feeling each other and seeing where it goes"-type of confusing situation where're left wondering if you are just a friend with benefits who might get dropped at anytime. You've already gone out, he's already met people close to you, you're seeing him in less than 24 hours. Might as well arrange another meeting in person when you see him tonight, or if you can't for some reason--if he's with his band, he may be busy all night--let him know you'll talk after the show or tomorrow to set something up.

    Note that I've never been in a relationship so your mileage may vary. I do know that I've been in a few unlabeled acquaintances-with-benefits situations with guys who sometimes vaguely seemed like they might have wanted more, maybe even just a more of a friendship. I would decline or respond to these possible hints in a noncommittal manner because, while they were fun to be around for a few hours that involved me getting off, I had little interest in getting to know them better. I'd be thinking, "No, I don't want to go out with you. I'd rather save that money and just come to your place."

    Even if they offered to pay, something about it seemed like a step I didn't want to take with those particular people. I didn't want them spending money on me knowing how I felt about them. If they ever directly approached me about the state of our non-relationship, I would have honestly responded that I we don't want the same thing, but since they didn't and kept in touch (for a while; things generally die down with them due to life matters, or maybe just because they lost interest) I could only assume they were somewhat satisfied with the state of things.

    Being direct should let you know immediately if he wants to seriously date or if he's looking for a good time like your mentor said. He could even just be young and confused about what he wants and, despite being a good guy, may not be in a state where you're looking for the same thing at the moment. I think attending the dinner with your mentors is a good indication that he wants to get to know you better. That's not behavior I'd expect from someone looking for quick, not-too-personal fun.

    I know if I really want to spend time with someone, I make an effort to arrange a meeting time. Even if I'm extremely busy and truly have a hectic, unpredictable schedule, I'd be keeping in touch and trying hard to make time for the person. Vague, playing by ear, "hit me up sometime" responses feel like very noncommittal, "I can take it or leave it" stances, or default responses for someone not looking for anything serious, or what some resort to when they they think dating is a complicated game and are attempting to read one's mind when straightforwardness would simplify things. This response is way longer than planned.
     
    #4 Jaa, Jan 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2016
  5. Infinite_loop

    Infinite_loop Is this thing on?
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    My dude straight up told me that he was feeling, both in a subtle and direct way. It worked great because I was feeling the same way, but I tend to be the indecisive kind who dwell too much on "analysis paralysis" (hey at least I know my weakness). I do appreciate him being proactive and candid, as to avoid falling into the friendzone from hell that Nick was talking about.
     
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  6. Nigerian Prince

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    A good point. I've become better at improving from the "analysis paralysis". Maybe I should just take him out.
     
  7. Nigerian Prince

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    LOL I appreciate your response. Thank you.

    I am pissed at times because it is so vague now. I wonder if he still feels the way I do and I wonder if "the fire is gone so to speak". I need to know that it is best to just go after what I want.
     
  8. Rah Brown

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    I actually do agree with @Nick Delmacy . What's the point of tip toeing around wondering if you all are friends are more. You're better off figuring out each others feelings in the beginning and not waste anytime.
     
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  9. lonzolowery

    lonzolowery Dark Knight

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    I think many of us are afraid of rejection for one reason or another. When we are out, I noticed that many of us as African American gay men tend to play this cat and mouse game. We wait to see who is going to approach who. That gets old after awhile. I recently met this dude and we were both standing next to each other like a couple of lost lambs, not know what to say to each other. I finally asked him if he would like to go across the street and have a drink. That was 7 months ago and we are really into each other. But happens if neither of us had the balls to make that first move?
     
  10. Sean P

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    I'm curious. What was the ultimate outcome here? While I agree with everyone's opinion that you should let dude know how you feel and ask him out, I'd suggest a more measured approach after that. Infatuation is great. Yet, getting to know each other will determine whether the connection is real. A meaningful relationship could develop or…it could be the friend zone…or something less than that… When I first started dealing with Brothas, I would go full throttle at the beginning, a short time later realization would set in. In time, I learned to express my interest and then get to know the guy before deciding that he might be "the one." No matter what… Good luck!
     
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