It wasn’t until I reached junior high school that I started to gain weight. Prior to this time I had always been a very skinny boy, even taking on the nickname “String Bean.”
However, junior high school took a major toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically and I found comfort in food. Before I reached the 8th grade, I had earned the new nickname “Pudgy”. Believe it or not, I welcomed the extra weight at the time because it meant that I would get teased more for being fat than I would for being a faggot. It was definitely the lesser of two evils.
I continued to blow up in highschool, eating through stress and depression. Not only was I gaining weight at a rapid pace, I was doing my best to fit in with all the ‘regular’ boys AND I was way behind in reaching puberty. By the time I graduated, I barely looked 14 years old! I was often mistaken for a “Ma’am” when working the drive through at Burger King or when answering the phone. Everyone thought I was my sister when I said “Hello”.
After graduating, I made my way to Atlanta, a chance to start over. It was better in college, but I still did not escape the gay rumors. I was still very insecure and by the time I was 20, I had reached a whopping 245lbs!
I was so insecure with my body that I knew I had to do something. At the time there was a revolutionary diet pill on the market called “Fen Phen”. Many people claimed it to be the miracle weight loss drug but it soon turned into the weight loss death drug because of all the heart attacks it caused. Anyways, I came across an ad for this product in the local newspaper and I wanted to get my hands on some. They were selling it at a gym near my home so I decided to stop by after work to purchase it.
Well, as it turns out, the ad was a hoax to get people into the gym with hopes of selling them their own health and wellness program. It was a great marketing idea because it got me in there and next thing I knew, I was a member. Two months later I’d already dropped 40lbs and I was still going! I was motivated. I started to feel good about myself and more importantly, I was looking good.
Fast forward a few years later and I was still down to just under 200lbs. I was comfortable with my progress and just stopped trying to reach the next level. I had gotten married to my high school sweetheart, had a newborn son and was living the “picture perfect” family life. All of this at age 23.
Well, for various reasons (besides the obvious), we got divorced a few years later and I was back to being single. At this time I started to work out again and was focused on improving my body. I was beginning to date men and it made me feel even more insecure about the way that I looked underneath my clothes. I think many will say it was due to the emphasis gay men in our community put on bodies but for me, it was because I now had someone to compare my body to. It’s kind of like your dick size. Always comparing it to another dick you may see. To bring a naked man into my bedroom, whose body was in great shape, made me feel extremely insecure.
By the time I was 27, I was in the best shape of my life. I weighed about 180lbs, was gaining muscle mass, and most of all, was feeling more confident with myself. However, there was still one issue: I had this loose skin around my stomach that I could just not get rid of (picture a woman’s stomach after recently giving birth). I was told that since I initially lost weight so quickly when I was 20, my skin could not respond quick enough to tighten up, so here I was with a deflated stomach.
I had a choice to either get used to having a ‘jelly belly’ or invest the money into “the scar”; having an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck). For those of you who don’t know, this is when they cut you from hip to hip, remove the loose skin off of your stomach and sew you back up. I elected to buy the scar. I figured I could always hide the scar, but not my stomach (especially at the beach or pool).
Even after a few minor complications/do over’s, I must say it was a great decision for me. I used to be completely obsessed with the extra skin around my stomach. I would pull on it, grab it, twist it, you name it. And although my obsession has now shifted to other areas of my body (lol), I recognize it now for the insecurity that it is.
It’s been over 10 years since I decided to have that tummy tuck and even though I am happy with my decision, I’ve realized one thing: it never mattered what my body looked like, my security and confidence in myself comes from within. Over the past 10 years my weight and body fat has fluctuated but I usually stay within 10 lbs. I remember going through some old pictures from 2010. I was gawking about how toned I looked and wanted to look like that again.
But then I realized something: I remember feeling the same insecurity about my body in this pic that I feel right now and even 10 years ago. Until I can become completely comfortable with the body that I have, it does not matter what size I am, I will still feel insecure.
I know many of us feel the same insecurity about our bodies – even some of us with 6-packs. I say to you, start loving and appreciating the body you have because you will never have another. It takes time, but the more you change your thoughts about your body, the easier it will get. I use to look at other men’s bodies at the gym or pool and wish that I had one like them. Now I catch myself anytime I do it and realize I should be thankful for my own. And I am thankful, loving it even though I am still sometimes challenged.
I’ve also started to be naked more often – just because. If I am relaxing at home reading a book, I will be naked doing it. Working? Naked. Watching TV? Naked. Cooking? Sometimes naked, as long as I’m not frying anything! LOL.
I’ve found that the more comfortable I am just being naked with myself, the more comfortable I am with my body around other people, whether that be at the pool, beach, gym or whatever. It’s taken me years and many body sizes later to realize that the confidence and security I need with my body was always in my head. So try not to obsess so much and don’t worry what other people think. Hell, if they are anything like us, they are too worried about their own body to be concerned with yours!
Gee Session-Smalls is the co-founder of LoveWorks, a site offering love and relationship advice to anyone seeking the unique perspective of a gay, black, married couple.
This essay “Cute Face, Ugly Waist” was republished with permission from the LoveWorks site.
Gee Session-Smalls
Related posts
33 Comments
Leave a Reply to DréCancel reply
Log In
Latest Cyphers
Subscribe Now
* You will receive the latest news and updates on your favorite celebrities!
Yoooo, this is a GREAT article, man! I can definitely identify with EVERYTHING this dude talked about. It is really a journey (for some of us) to learn to accept what we have. I’ve learned the hard way no matter what shape I’m in, my own insecurities will never allow me to be 100% satisfied with myself. I’m STILL working at it. It can be difficult to drown out/ ignore the judgement felt(real or perceived) from the public about our body image, but it’s even harder to ignore that judgement when it’s coming from yourself.
Walking into the gym where just about 90% of the guys are attractive and you feel like you are being judged by your looks and how much weight you are lifting can be a difficult thing when you have your own insecurities to deal with. I used to feel so strong for my age and size at my old gym. Now I feel like I’m a small fish in a big pond.
But I’m still cool because really, the only person I’m competing with is myself. As long as I’m stronger today than yesterday and healthy, that’s what’s important. Any physical improvements are the side effects.
I love this. Great article. I can relate to this so much because I just experienced a huge surge in my weight due to “emotional eating” but I’m getting it together.
Great article Gee! It’s very relatable and has a beautiful message.
I think a lot of men are guilty of perfecting their bodies as a form of overcompensation that takes the place of nurturing any other valuable traits, or perfecting any character flaws.Some of us forget that fitness is about health and vitality, and not about living up to standards set by those around us,including the various forms of media we consume which end up setting the standards for our ideal image goals.
I liked your idea about being naked during leisure time.It can be easy to hide behind clothes when you have insecurities but being constantly exposed to your own nudity almost forces you to confront your own body and accept it.
you summed it up, Dre.
This is an awesome piece! It resonates with me and my slide up and down the scale.
I was thin in high school. Bulked a little in college. Got Fat after college. Got in shape. Then got in a relationship and fell out of shape. Got in shape again. Got out again and now working on getting in shape now.
I have leaned as I have gotten older to accept myself. If I have reach mid teen digit body fat %, I’m OK with that. I’m also Ok if someone with low digit body fat isn’t interested in me because screw them. I’m a great guy! If you are that fickle I don’t need you and you don’t deserve me.
I would like it if the in shape guys stopped acting so pretentious. Like their shyt doesn’t stink. I have found that the guys who look so perfect physically have some of the worst attitudes. A guy who’s still humble and doesn’t make a big deal about their looks is a rare find.
I’m glad the author was able to accept himself as he is. It’s not easy in a culture where youth and physical appearance is so highly valued.
“I have found that the guys who look so perfect physically have some of the worst attitudes. A guy who’s still humble and doesn’t make a big deal about their looks is a rare find.”
Exactly, Bro! For me, humility will almost always overshadow physical appearance (within reason), just as arrogance will turn me off quicker than anything else. Surprisingly (to me) I cut off some dude not too long ago for this shit. Dude looked like a model, but in my eyes was a little too full of himself. Besides that, he’s in the Music Industry and for me, to pursue anything with anyone involved in that machine is a waste of time.
Hardest lesson in life for majority of people is learning to love one’s inner and outer self. Once (and if ever) this is fully achieved, it makes it easier to accept someone else’s love (and makes it easier to see when someone is just using you).
And that makes me wonder if they are even really happy when they are ‘soooo fioooone’ but have shiddy attitudes. Are you attractive but not smart? Did someone call you names in school so now you’ve crafted this statue of David body to get back at Johnny Krinclesack from 3rd grade who called you fat? Like what’s the deal?
You know what I notice however, ladies will accept a brother who’s a little thick or even Lil Wayne or Wiz Khalifa thin. Gay men will call an average bodied guy ‘fat’ just because he doesn’t have muscle tone. It’s like gay men have REALLY high standards. Not saying that women don’t but I’ve seen many good looking ladies with average looking guys. Same with straight men. They may be physically great and their ladies bodies may just be average, yet pretty face. After I stared working out after gaining fat for a good time, once my chest got bigger and back wider, I was getting ALLL KIIIIIINNNNNDDDDSSSS of attention from ladies. Dudes? Nada. Why? Because I still have a belly, albeit smaller. Oh wells.
I’ve yet to see a male couple where one guy was model fine and the partner was just average build. Not saying that doesn’t exist, I just have not seen it or recognized it. Maybe the model is with a thin guy, but not Prince Fielder thick because that’s Gay Obese and anything larger than Derek J size is Gay Morbidly Obese.
One thing is for sure: You have to accept that being physically fit in some fashion is part of the Gay Dating Game. It’s part of the competition. You won’t get noticed no matter how brilliant your personality is.
And most of us (Americans anyway) could stand some extra physical activity anyway so why not? If most of use dropped 20lbs+ of fat (for the overweight) or gained 10lbs of muscle (for the thin), we’d get exponentially more attention from both sexes. I speak from experience.
“After I stared working out after gaining fat for a good time, once my chest got bigger and back wider, I was getting ALLL KIIIIIINNNNNDDDDSSSS of attention from ladies. Dudes? Nada”
I’ve noticed the same and worse. When I was in the military I was in the best shape of my life, and STILL I only garnered attention from either women or older, unattractive men or dudes strictly lookin for sex. Since then I’ve bounced between moderately out of shape, and nicely in-shape, and while I’ve had some relationships in between, none of them had any substance nor was the other party every really serious about shit. Even today, I still receive the most (unwanted) attention from females. While I appreciate that SOMEone finds me attractive, it still weighs heavy on my conscious and leaves me wondering…”well what the fuck is wrong with me that no dude that I find attractive wants me?” which in turn, fucks with my self image. Granted, I have some physical flaws (like most people) but its nothing that anyone can tell sight unseen. So while I wholeheartedly agree that gay men’s standards are ridiculously high, where exactly the “glass ceiling” lies and exactly what parameters lie below it is a complete mystery to me.
I think this clip from “American Dad” pretty much sums up the gay mentality of body image…
That clip is what I was indirectly referencing!
Yeah, I get what you mean about the guys I find attractive who think I’m the blob. I have a nice face. I still get carded from time to time so I have a youthful look. So I know I’m not repulsive but that feeling of wanting to be ‘accepted’ can get you if you let it. We can be our own worst enemy when we get stuck into our heads and self doubt.
True dat, but back to the main article, this dude’s story is great. I still haven’t gotten to the point of being comfortable nude, even alone. At least not without a tank top on. Honestly I don’t know if I’ll ever get there since I always manage to find SOMETHING wrong, no matter how thin I get. smh Oh well, thats life. LOL But great for this dude. Amazing story.
You are missing out if you never walk around naked at home.There is something wonderfully primal about it.
And I’m with you on he cartoon references,Me and my brother always do it,which confuses anyone around us,but that’s even more entertaining.
I’m still going through some “Body Acceptance” issues myself but I’d love to walk around nekkid at home. Unfortunately, I’ve been a roommate for the past 5 years or so, not counting when me and my ex had our place.
I’m regulated to super baggy boxer shorts that easily slide off and will expose all my man business pretty easily because they are so loose but, I’m decent around others as long as I remember not to spread my legs to far or fall asleep with them on in a shared space.
Basically, a loin cloth by any other name.
…I’m speechless right now.
Can’t lie. On some level, I’m enjoying that this is going off the rails.
LOL This is funny, dude. The joys of living alone. LOL Actually I don’t have an issue being naked in my place alone, for the most part. When I’m working out regularly then, no. When I start to look down and I’m disappointed, then that’s my clue that I’ve slacked off for too long an need to get back on it. So needless to say, at the moment I’m a little pissed LOL
I’m normally just in a “wife beater” just because it’s comfortable, naked without actually being naked. Well, I guess if my junk is out then technically I’m naked. I never have anyone stay over my place, so that’s not an issue. I had a roommate once, so it was annoying to have be be fully clad in my home and out my personal activities on “mute”, but he was “put out” promptly. LOL Anyways, only real issue is that I have no blinds in my living room windows (I have a ton of plants, they need the daylight) and of course, there’s only (from what I can see) women neighbors (NOSY AS FUCK, TOO) behind my apartment.
Simple ladies stay on nosy.
I will say I don’t see how some people can sleep with pjs on or even boxer shorts. My boxer briefs and other undies are great for everything else but I can’t stand to sleep in them.
I need my freedom.
Give us free!
“My boxer briefs and other undies are great for everything else but I can’t stand to sleep in them.”
I don’t wear them at all, anytime. I like my “freedom”. And agreed on the “simple ladies” shit. LOL There’s one chick that STAYS starin’ up into my window. I’m like damn chick, don’t you got a man living there with you? Thirsty.
If you guys are ever in the market for a new community/home:
http://www.tlc.com/tv-shows/buying-naked/videos/we-cant-make-changes.htm
Dude, I can immediately reference ANY life situation to either “Family Guy” or “American Dad” LMAO
Excellent article.
I think this is a great article! I think it really lends itself to the premise of, ‘you’re not the only one, a lot of us can relate man’, which I personally feel is what CAve represents.
At the same time, I think it’s also important that all of the commentary doesn’t turn into ‘body/muscle bashing’…where we lump guys who are really into maintaining a certain body type together, and assume they have a bunch of issues…like what some ignorant straight ppl do w us gays in general.
And don’t sleep, just like a lot of guys love a 6pack, a lot of guys like a lil beer belly..true story.
Great article cuz!!!
Awww look at my son, wishing you were still that age
Great article!
This artcile is really amazing, and I can relate to so much of it. Even though I’ve gradually improved my appearance, I still maintain a lot of the insecurities I did when I had more fat and less muscle. I think a lot of times we are our own worst critics.
wow, really great article, I love that its a personnel story.
I was just having this conversation with a friend. A little while back, I remember having a conversation with a man on a dating website and he tells me that my profile didn’t mention anything about the gym or working out. I told him I wasn’t a gym head and didn’t work out much. I told him I 6’0 and 195 pounds and dude about flipped on me lol. He proceeded to tell me how big and small I should be and had the audacity to say to me “you have the face but you need the body to egg all the men after you.”
I politely blocked the guy. I’ve always had things I’ve wanted to work on but I’ve never had a negative body image. I was in my best shape around 175-180lbs. But even now at 195 I don’t feel negatively about my body. It’s just sad the importance we put on that. Now I mean, feel free to like what you like but if all you’re concerned with is the looks that your partner is bringing to the table, you’re gonna have a very shallow relationship. We need to place that same effort into valuing consistency, honesty, trust, loyalty and togetherness. We’ve gotta do better.
But I’m glad the author came to a place of self love. Our bodies are CONSTANTLY in a state of flux. We can work hard as hell and have goals, but we must also stop and remember to appreciate where we are and what we have. You’ve gotta love you for you! Especially if you ever expect someone else to!
Body composition is a factor that weight and height alone can’t convey. 195lbs could be 40% body fat or 15% body fat. Some people are just really dense with muscle so they hit the scale and it’s heavier than what most people think just by looking.
I think anyone who offers unsolicited fitness and nutrition advice needs to sit down and shut up. If someone asks then feel free but if not, it just comes off as very rude even if they do mean well.
That guy was a prick. But yeah, I’m not muscular at all really. But I believe I have an “average build”. Like someone else was saying in the comments, I enjoy my own nudity. I hang out naked. I rub my small belly from time to time. I go outside shirtless whenever. Bird chest and all lol. Sure I’d love it if I had a more muscular chest/arms and a slightly flatter stomach. But I also love ME and the body I have today.
I also enjoy husky men! A little gut to rub on is sexy. To my eyes, a muscular body IS appealing. But in the bedroom??? I’m not really turned on by rock hard physiques. I like me a little soft and squishy. A little pudgy. So I encourage people to get the shape they want for themselves, not the shape that will garner attraction from men. Because somebody is checking for you just the way you are.
I agree and relate to all of that sir.
I like your philosophy, Lyriq.