The episode opens with Shamon Glaspy talking to the audience. He’s not really acting here, just looking handsome and asking us for money. God bless him. Hopefully this will be the last time we see him in this episode.

I’m sure he’s a great guy but his character Xavier suuuuuuuuckkkkssss! Seriously, what is Xavier’s purpose? It’s like the only reason he’s in every episode is because Shamon is an old friend of the director. Real Talk. So far we’ve seen Xavier fail at everything. The new season opened with him getting released from jail…so he fails at being a criminal. He fails at being a boyfriend. Fails at being a roommate. Fails at being a friend. Fails at stealing a car. Fails at oral sex (too much teeth, Xavier). Why is his character still on the show?! Eye candy?! Oh, oh okay…point taken. The prosecution rests, Your Honor.

Anyway, the episode starts. I brace for it. I know its gonna be dense so I gotta REALLY pay attention. At least I see upfront who I should blame for the story to follow:

FREEFALL __ Ep. 105 - _Deceit_ __ @FreefallSeries (2013) + S

Anytime it takes three people to write an episode of a web series, you know you’re in for it. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Wait. Additional writing by Lamont Pierre? What does that mean? Is this like when Diddy jumps in on a finished track and says “Uh-huh, yeah” or “take that, take that” and then gets a Producing credit?

The first scene features our favorite “too young/attractive to be a contract killer” Tyson pretending to be a pizza delivery man to one of the many unnamed attractive male characters on the show. At first, I believe he’s really the pizza man because Freefall never really clearly establishes what ANYONE does for a living on this show. For all I know, this could be his real day job. Turns out, it was all a set up and Tyson kills the dude. But why though? Nope, STOP IT! Don’t ask questions! This is Freefall! No answers coming anytime soon! Ever! Hahahahaha! This show is more dense and confusing than anything LOST ever tried to do.

So the dude is shot dead. In the middle of Atlanta. In an apartment. Nico shows up to “clean up” the scene saying it’ll take him about 30 minutes. Wait, what?

Listen, most of what I’ll say in this recap is most def nitpicking for comedy, but this is just stupid. Atlanta Police Department response time to a gunshot, even in Vine City – the hoodiest of hoody areas of Atlanta, is 10-15 minutes TOPS. According to Freefall, its 45 minutes MINIMUM!  Let’s not even discuss how quickly both of these men became comfortable and skilled at the murder and disposal of fellow human beings.

Actor Dante Simmons as Tyson said exactly what I was thinking:

 

ARGGH! FREEFALL WRITERS! *Waves fists in the air*

Next up we see the once-bearded-now-cleaned-up character Tony waiting to meet yet another new unnamed Freefall character. This has to be the 37th new character on the show. Ugh. This show is so fucking confusing.

Took me a long time to even realize that was Tony in this scene. He looks completely different because of the missing trademarked beard and he’s uncharacteristically dressed like a flamboyant Houston gay party promoter for some reason…sunglasses, scarf, bracelets and all. Wait, wasn’t he a broke, compassionate “thug” just one episode ago? Turns out he’s a music artist manager too…huh-who-what? So Tony is basically a completely new character now? Great…that’s not confusing at all.

new-freefall-chars

Remember that whole twist from the last episode? Tony robbing his former lover at gunpoint while ski-masked? Yeah, that’s never mentioned in this episode. At all.

Now back to Cam’s depressing storyline. He’s been a downer since episode one.

So, last we left Cam he was just robbed at gunpoint, by the ex-boyfriend whom he wanted to gay marry at one point. Now he’s lying in bed moping about the loss of his money and poor choice in men. Sidenote: What do all these dudes see in Cam to the point he’s got multiple options? He’s a downer and has zero personality! Also, does he not have anything else going on in his life besides his relationships?

Where is this storyline going? Far far away, I hope.

Cam’s phone rings. Instead of answering it, he does this:

ff94

Ahhhh, now I see what Xavier and Tony see in Cam. If he can afford to casually drop his smartphone in a glass of water instead of just hitting the “silent” button, he’s gotta have plenty disposable guap. Well, at least he used to…

Okay back to the scene. Oh wait, its over. Hmm, that was pointless. Oh, it was to show that Cam is depressed. Ummm, we’ve already had 4 previous episodes to establish and beat that dead horse. Oh Freefall Writers,  please-please-please have more-more-more scenes of characters doing nothing but being sad. Audiences love seeing that on the web!

Next scene! Aw, dammit…its Xavier.

Wait, he’s boxing now? He’s a boxer?! Hold up.

You can’t just give him a new purpose out of no where Freefall! Real talk, these writers aren’t playing fair! You can’t just reboot characters in the middle of the season! Just a couple episodes ago Xavier was defenselessly GETTING HIS ASS BEAT by some weak unnamed Freefall characters. Now you reveal that he’s actually a trained BOXER?!

ARGGH! FREEFALL WRITERS! *Waves fists in the air*

Wait, where the hell are we? A green screen studio? Did they forget to composite in the background?

ff95

Real talk, lemme stop joking around and being silly. This scene is Xavier’s best to date. No dialogue – just him in the background looking sweaty and shirtless. Shout out to Xavier for not having any money, a job or even career options, but still managing to find a way to get new tattoos and stay in the gym to keep it all toned and tight. You sir, are an authentic Atlanta black gay man.

Off to the side, watching Xavier boxing, is director Peter Jackson dressed as a bald black man…. No, not really, I’m still stuck on the purpose of the huge green screen, sorry. Actually, this is the black Mob Boss character we’ve seen a few times this season. Not sure about his name. It doesn’t matter. No, really, it doesn’t.

In walks Chandler or Chad or Chauncey, don’t remember what his name is. It doesn’t matter. No, really, it doesn’t. For clarification, he’s the “too short, pretty and skinny to be an intimidating high-level drug empire lieutenant” character we’ve seen all this season. Yeah, the one that knocked out tall ass Nico with one punch and then male-raped him in the booty-hole raw, no Vaseline.

Okay, can we discuss that rape scene briefly? I’m not sure what was more disturbing: The fact that the scene was laughably and unnecessarily written, filmed and edited…or the fact that actors Jovanni Colon and DeAndre Lemans are so attractive, many fans of Freefall said that they were aroused by the rape scene and wanted to see more! Sigh. Dem boys are cute and all, but I’ll never be gay enough to get turned on by male rape.

So back to the scene. Like I said, Chadwick walks into the green screen studio and steps over to bald/black Mob Boss Peter Jackson. Peter Jackson doesn’t yell “cut” so Xavier continues showing off his newly discovered boxing skills in the background. Anyway, Chaz (or whatever his name is) leans in and mumbles some business stuff to the Mob Boss. I honestly have no idea what he said. He’s like the Dick Tracy character, Mumbles. I literally yell at the screen, “Speak up Nicca!”

ff96

The one word I could make out from Mumbles was “Ergo.” Yes, you read that correctly. Mumbles broke out the Latin on the black Mob Boss, all casual like this is a word people in Atlanta naturally say. Especially in rooms where people are sparring right behind you.

“Ergo?”

Seriously?!

No, really. Who’s idea was it to have him say that?

Then it hit me:

xxFREEFALL-__-Ep.-105---_Deceit_-__-@FreefallSeries-(2013)-+-S

Mumbles leaves the scene and never even acknowledges that he knows Xavier. Huh? I thought they were like kinda close friends…I thought Mumbles had his father get Xavier a job (that he failed at)…Oh wait, silly me. All of the characters have been rebooted, I forgot.

At the end of the scene, Xavier gets punched and crashes hard to the ground. So he fails at boxing too?!

Time out.

*Pulls the Freefall writers to the side*

“Fellas, Writer to writers. I understand the need to pile on to your characters. I get it. Building on the adversities they must eventually overcome, I get that. But you gotta have them win a few times in there. The minor victories keep us rooting for the characters. As bad as the many characters on The Corner, The Wire and Treme had it, they still caught some happy breaks every now and then. Syd Field demonstrated this all the way back in 1979. Right now, the only character with highs and lows is Nico. And don’t give me the “Its just a web series” excuse when you are going out of your way to make it look like a film or TV Series. Fellas, this is halftime. Five more episodes to go in the season. We can turn this game around. Its not too late! Alright, non-suicidal-gay-characters on Three! One, Two, Three: NON-SUICIDAL-GAY-CHARACTERS! BREAK!

*Pats Freefall writers on the butt as they exit the proverbial locker room*

Okay, where were we? Oh yeah, recapping.

Cypher Avenue Rating: 3 of 5