The coveted “Gay House Party” invite is one to be appreciated and not taken lightly. Once I was introduced to these events I quickly realized how much enjoyable they are over going to gay clubs and bars. Usually, they are not advertised online or plastered on flyers stuffed under windshield wipers. These are invite-only or word-of-mouth events that don’t come often but are usually worth the wait.
Through trial & error, I learned a handful of rules of etiquette to attending a “gay house party” that will ensure you get invited to many more over the years.
Step 1: Don’t Invite Everyone to Someone Else’s Party
Unless given permission by one or all of the hosts, don’t arbitrarily invite every gay person in your contacts. It can be tempting to forward that text message to all of your gay friends, DON’T DO IT! You never know who those people will forward the text to…Some house party hosts may not want random unknown people with more than a 2 degree separation from them walking around their homes.
However, people hosting parties do occasionally want a few new faces sprinkled into the crowd. So most of the time its okay to invite a close friend or two ONLY IF they arrive to the party with you, the person officially invited. This rule mainly applies to uninvited guests who do not personally know the hosts of the party. Another exception: Typically on major celebratory holidays like New Years Eve or Labor Day, this rule can be totally disregarded.
Step 2: Don’t Bring Your Complaining Nonsocial Friend
You know the type. This is the guy that complains from the minute he walks into the door. The music is bad. The crowd is “beneath” him. The men aren’t masculine enough. He’s more of a home body and would rather be somewhere else. No matter the reason, my response to them is the same: “Keep your lame gay fucking ass at home then!”
Seriously, why bring this anchor to a party just to have him drag down the good time of you and others. Most gay house parties aren’t like overcrowded white fraternity keggers from the movies where they are packed like night clubs. Gay house parties are usually intimate affairs with a group of less than 50 people, not hundreds. At “real” house parties, people stand out.
That stink-faced friend can typically be seen looking down his nose at the room full of people having a good time from across the room. If anyone dares try to speak to this fucker, he either gives short apathetic answers to innocent questions or he fills up the conversation explaining why he’d rather not be there.
Next time, leave him home with his Hookup Apps and Internet Porn while you have fun socializing in-person with actual people.
Step 3: Bring a Bottle
While real house parties typically don’t charge a cover, they still aren’t free. Someone actually spent time and money for the event and opened up their home for your enjoyment. The spoken and unspoken rule of Gay House Parties is to bring alcohol (or a dish if its a Dinner Party).
This still works out cheaper than most club experiences considering the cover charge and the cost of drinks you’ll pay in those venues. Walking into a House Party with a brown bag of liquor not only gains you good will admittance, it also helps to keep the drinks flowing even to the wee hours. I’ve been to Gay House Parties where men didn’t follow this rule and the alcohol eventually ran out mid-party.
Unless its a small party or you are close friends with the host and want to impress, don’t buy Top Shelf liquor. Its not necessary. But don’t get bottom shelf liquor either, you have to at least appear to have a fraction of class. So what should you bring?
If its a party full of young college aged black gays, grab a cheap bottle of Smirnoff and call it a day. All young black gay men drink Vodka & Cranberry because its all their inexperienced brains and palettes know. Well, that and fruity liquor filled daiquiris.
If its a party mixed with older black gay men (30+ years old), you can bring middle shelf Vodka, Rum or Tequila. I wouldn’t bring anything under $20 unless its a name brand on sale. However, you really get a lot of props if you bring something unique and atypical.
Ocky Williams introduced me to Tito’s Handmade Vodka and I haven’t gone back to Absolut since. What’s great about this liquor is that its unique, American made, highly rated (over Ketel One, Grey Goose and Belvedere) and only $20 for a 750ml bottle in most stores.
Here’s the most crucial thing about this rule. Always show or hand the bottle to the host of the party. This is the equivalent to waiting until the server behind the bar to SEE you place down the tip so that you can get credit for it. You want the host to know you added to the pool full of liquor, which will encourage him to not only invite you to his next party, but also invite you to others he hears about.
Step 4: Introduce Yourself to the Host
If you’re one of those unknown “friends of the invited friend” that we spoke of in Step #1, make sure you find out who the host is of the party and introduce yourself. You’re in another man’s home, respect him by making yourself no longer a stranger.
Again, this helps on multiple levels as he also may now be encouraged to personally invite you to his next party since you took the time out to speak to him. I follow this step without fail. Every party, without hesitation. Even if I don’t exchange information with the guy, I’ve now broken the ice making it easier to not feel like a party crasher for the rest of the night.
Step 5: No Snapping Wild Photographs
Seriously! Why is this not common knowledge?! We get it. You’re Out to the world. You march for gay rights. You’re even an aspiring Gaylebrity. However you must understand that not everyone is as “evolved” as you.
Some guys still have insecurities when it comes to their sexuality. This insecurity includes the oddity of being comfortable enough to GO to a gay club or house party but not being comfortable enough to be PHOTOGRAPHED at one.
Stop trying to sneak wide shots of the party goers or group selfies to include the handsome muscular masculine guy standing behind you.
If this keeps up, soon gay house parties will end up like many strip clubs where the rule is: Leave Your Camera Phones In Your Car.
Step 6: Wipe Up Bathroom Splash
Men are disgusting creatures. There is no better proof of this than the condition seen in most bar/club restrooms around 1 am on a typical Saturday night. Poorly aimed piss lines the floor around the shit and toilet paper stuffed toilets. Many men make the argument that since someone is paid to clean this mess, who cares.
This is not the case with Gay House Parties. There is no restroom, only bathrooms. Bathrooms that the person living in the home will likely want to continue to use long after the party. You’re in somone’s home. Show a little appreciation and courtesy by wiping up the urine splash (men know what this is) and any mess made by your tipsy visit to the john.
Step 7: Don’t Get “Wasted”
The only thing more embarrassing than watching your friend get overly drunk and loud in a club is to watch your friend get overly drunk, loud or passed out at a house party. Especially if said friend wasn’t even personally invited.
If you want to get that wasted, go to a straight up bar of club…not someone’s home. House Parties are much more intimate events, so if you or your friend becomes “That Guy”, everyone will notice. I’ve seen a couple gay fights break out at parties due to an overly intoxicated gay man misreading casual conversation for flirting with his Boyfriend.
Another unintentional consequence for not knowing your limits and being loud/obnoxious is you or your whole group of friends will cease to be invited out to these events as your reputation builds for a man that can’t hold his liquor.
Step 8: Leave Long Before the Host Starts Cleaning Up
Once the party dissipates from being completely full to half full, its time for you to either start prepping for your drive home or start finding out where the after party will be.
If you’re still around long enough to see people packing up the food or making to-go plates, you’ve stayed way too long. Time to go.
If you’re anywhere but the Tri-State area and the DJ begins playing the Reggae/Dancehall set, you’ve hit the Danger Zone in “take yo’ ass home already” territory.
Don’t overstay your welcome unless you either plan on helping the host cleanup or having sex with him once everyone else is gone.
Nick Delmacy
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I can’t wait to be invited to one of these. Unfortunately, I think I live in the wrong city to get an invite right now. Virginia feels dead to me for something like this. However, I haven’t made that many friends with gay men that would necessarily have a Gay House Party as described in the 8 steps above… what to do, what to do? I know have my own! COMING LABOR DAY 2014!
You in VA? The northern part of VA / DC / Maryland area is full of gays. Whats the problem?
I am in Richmond. My life is entirely too busy to go up there as often as I used to.
Damn, I was just talking to my some of my friends about this after going to a cool house party this weekend. I definitely pay alot more attention to pacing myself when it comes to drinking at house parties, remembering that, unless I KNOW the host, I’m a guest in there space. And its annoying as hell when ppl are anti-social just to be that way, what did you come for lol.
@achris – yes, that was my experience as well. Most of the guys stood around in cliques talking about the new faces at the party. It just felt shady. And once I got within earshot of the conversation, most of them were just comparing their accomplishments and education backgrounds. It seemed to be a big competition rather than a social gathering.
I can def relate to that. Being the new face, esp if ur friend who invited u knows everyone there, it can be extremely isolating. Ive found that the best thing to do is to have a drink or two and try to be the guy who initiates convo.
While gay men are often so damaged that they’re more concerned with finding red flags in the next man, even at a party (smh), than having a good time, at least u can say u werent the ‘stank face’ friend who didnt try to get some enjoyment out of the night.
Yea I am new to the city I live in now, but it’s been cool bc when Ive been invited out Ive made the effort to be social and start convos with ppl, and I can’t say the response has been bad at all ; )lol. Things are what you make them, I had to learn that. I use to be the anti-social friend and I realized it had a lot more to do with me and my own confidence than anyone else.
Very well said @sb3000. If you just focus on having a good time instead of who fucked who and who drives what, you enjoy the night more. Last weekend I had to check a friend of a friend with a Stink Face the moment he got to the party. He didnt like the masculinity ratio so he kept complaining and bringing us all down.
I just want to speak from experience and something that black gays rarely talk about and that is social anxiety. Many feel out of place and also don’t know how to socialize or be social in certain environments. I know that this may be foreign for some but it can be crippling for others.
Thats sooo real man. I gotta say, gay house parties dont exactly come to mind when u think of welcoming social environments.
As much of a social butterfly that I am, I don’t typically go head in a new social setting with open arms speaking to everyone unless it is set up to be like that. However, give me some food or a drink well then I am open to starting a plenty of conversations. I’ll never forget my mentor had a House Warming a few years ago and as soon as you walked in the door, you were expected to take a shot. I haven’t been to an official “house party” since then that I didn’t know everyone but there next one I do go to, I hope I get a shot or some food at the door, lol.
Yeah very annoying. Especially if the look good, lol
Lol..SMH @nick
Excellent list! Unfortunately I have broken a couple of these rules but you live and learn.
I was once invited to an exclusive house party by a young pharmacist I met online. He and I had a one night stand and went our separate ways until I got a text from him inviting me to his house party. I was flattered to receive the invite because dude was phine as hell and I really thought his curiosity with me was over. I Hesitantly accepted the invite and began looking forward to the party. When I showed up, it turned out to be one of the most awkward experiences of my life. I saw at least two other guys there (besides the host) that I had a brief sexual past with. Anyway, after just a few drinks, I realized house parties weren’t for me. 9 times out of 10, most of the guys under the roof have had sex with each other and your personal business is never safe. Despite the very attractive faces, I just couldn’t help but to feel bad about the experience. Gay circles are just too small for my liking, and house parties only exacerbate that feeling.
Great tips though!
Yeah the event seemed to highlight your own insecurities more so it’s probably for the best that you not go to them. Who cares if some of them had sex with each other. You had sex with some if them too. LOL. If youre not gossiping abt your past encounters with ither guests, why assume everyone else is?
When I’m at these parties I mainly try to focus on my own good time with responsive people. instead of trying to eavesdrop on conversations, I join them. But that’s just me.
@nick I respectfully disagree. Just because someone isn’t comfortable with the vibe within Gay House Parties doesn’t mean his self esteem should come into question. The house party is only a microcosm of the issues I have with living within the gay lifestyle. I never did accept the fact that former lovers can now be best friends, and YOUR best friends can be former lovers of YOUR ex lovers lol. The shit sounds like an episode of The Young and the Restless. I know it’s the realities that exist within the gay universe, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. My friends may convince me to attend every blue moon, and I’ve limited them to out of town only. I’m not knockin those who enjoy that scene, I’m just saying it’s not my thing.
I’m not being biased but I have to agree with Nick on this one. Believe me his response impacts me as well. As an “at times” socially awkward man (myself), how does folk that you had sex with in the past equal a house party not being good or you not enjoying yourself? It seems like you were uncomfortable because you bust a couple of nutts with dudes from your past. Believe me,I would be uncomfortable as well and have reacted exactly like you described in past situations. I get it.
@blackpegasus I do understand what you’re saying but as someone on the outside looking in, these statements scream of insecurities. No offense. I’m just being honest [spoken using my Future impression].
It would be one thing if you said you didn’t like the music at the parties or that you were just socially awkward and didn’t know how to interact with other people that you didn’t know…
But the bulk of your response was a judgmental tone about the fact that many of the men there POSSIBLY had slept together…Mind you, you based this hypothesis solely on the fact that YOU had DEFINITELY slept with many of the men at the parties, which you refuse to face head on…Aren’t you a part of the problem that you’re complaining about? Your sexual body count is so high that you assume everyone else’s is as well thus making you not enjoy a party. Now you see we’re back to insecurities.
Then you mentioned that you eavesdrop on men talking about their accomplishments…You took this as an offense, again making me think it was because you may be insecure about your own accomplishments. A guy like myself who overheard accomplishments would use that as a cue to holla at the potential “good catches.”
Would the conversations have made you feel more comfortable if they instead told tales of bad credit and run ins with the law?
LOL again @nick . your attempt to dissect my self esteem (or lack thereof) is laughable. Trust me when I tell you I can hold my own standing next to anyone. And my accomplishments have never been an issue where it relates to my well being or my ability to meet others. The bottom line is; I’m not comfortable with the vibe at Gay House Parties. Do you critique someone who says he isn’t comfortable at Gay Clubs or Bars? What’s so different or special about a house party? And yes, I may be part of the problem as in I’ve slept with some of the party goers, but that’s a “problem” many gay men share. I’m just not holding my tongue in addressing it. If that makes me insecure in your eyes, then so be it.. 🙂
@blackpegasus Only speaking for myself…I think I understand your POV. Question though, which do you prefer, house parties, gay clubs / gay bars and why? Also what if your immediate group of gay friends threw a party, would you go….also you were too afraid to do the “round table” podcast why? LOL
No doubt. Just calling it like I see it, as always. But remember, just because you say “I just don’t like house parties”, that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some internal issue/conflicts behind that dislike. Same applies to gay clubs. For example, my dislike of drag queen events has more to do with me than the ppl who DO enjoy those events.
I can see this from both Nick and B.P’s PsOV (inherent Libra trait I guess. LOL) Not from the “sexual insecurity aspect”, but just because #1 my sex-scapades are very few and far in between, and #2 what the f#$k do I care if I see someone I f#$ked in the past. LOL I see B.P’s point more-so from a “Socially Uncomfortable” aspect. House Parties do have a dif vibe from the club (that’s why a lot of people like them). For me, I have few friends so I don’t know many people if anyone at all, so I’m always invited to parties secondhand by way of my best friend. I’m just overall awkward in group situations and not good with dealing with multiple personalities (yep, it’s something I should work on, probably stems from some personal insecurity(s), but that’s for another thread) so I just stopped going. But to Nick’s POV, in the end it’s what you make out of it. Most of us have that fortitude to say “F#$K IT, Ima make a night out of this situation and enjoy myself despite, A,B, & C”. It just depends on the environment. Unfortunately for me, my bad opinion of House Parties and gay get-togethers in general, is influenced by people that hung out with in the past that in the end (I felt) were chatty, gossipy, tacky, judgmental, etc etc, so I just got a bad view of house parties and intimate group settings. But in the end, yeah, ALWAYS bring a bottle of booze, especially if you’re the Unknown. LOL
Sounds like the revelation of that experience is not to avoid house parties but to avoid sleeping around. I have run across someone with whom I have dealt with at house parties; however, neither of us felt awkward as our experience hadn’t been anything of which to be embarrassed or ashamed about. But I also have not noticed house parties to be full of people who have slept with each other. Maybe a number of people have slept with each other, but I didn’t know because I hadn’t slept with them.
That’s something I was kind of taught as gay social etiquette 101. The community is small so be mindful of the impression and moves I make because it will come back around. Maybe that was a benefit of my having older, more experienced “gay mentors” when I first endeavored to start dealing with dudes.
OH THE MEMORIES!! LOL… Where was this list when I needed it?? LOL.. This is a GREAT list!! I know in TX they have plenty house parties; been invited to some, and are great fun. I like meeting different people from different regions.
I Love a good house party! I’m fortunate that mature gays took me in and I’ve gone to parties with older men and I’ve learned these rules and I defiantly pass them on to every I know. I’m also big on reminding people to take a bottle thats rude!
Definitely agree and relate to your having been trained by mature gays. Does that even happen anymore?? I think that has made all the difference for me in how I view and act in the gay community.
Wow, I read some of these post and they amaze me. As an almost 50yr old brutha who has NEVER been to a gay club I just assumed that somethings were a given. I have never seen a person get so drunk as to pass out others than on TV, I would never bring anyone to a party that wasn’t invited, would never think to snap pictures, and…well?
Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a lot by not socializing in the gay community but other times I’m glad I didn’t.
I agree with all these rules ESPECIALLY #4. If you’re a guest at someone’s party, especially a guest at a party that you yourself weren’t invited to but instead you’re someone’s “+1”, you should either introduce yourself to the host of have your friends who invited you along introduce you to the host. That’s just common sense etiquette right there. Rule #1 is also just as essential.
Nick, I think you should amend rule #1 to include the following: if you do invite a friend or two to a party you were invited to, introduce your friend to the room or to a few familiar people so they don’t feel awkward or out of place.
Other than that, this list is 100% accurate!
Good job, guys! Loved it! LOL
Wow..this post, or should I say, the comments section, perfectly explains why I fux w this site so tuff! Good shit @nick n @ocky
I’ve been to a few gay house parties, as much these should be common knowledge not a lot of guys do this, these are great general rules for house parties. I actually prefer house parties because a lot of time you eliminate the riff raff that comes to the club but im not too friendly with the gays in Chicago.
This list is accurate and very funny as I tend to throw a fair amount of house parties. lol The extra uninvited guest is the only one that I have to deal with, but I’m a very social host and I usually make a point of asking people in my house, who they are and who invited them.
Does this type of thing apply to an invite to a card game night with someone that you ALWAYS take liquor to for other occasions?
All young BGM don’t drink vodka cran… we… I don’t drink vodka… and most of my BGM friends don’t drink vodka cran either. It’s the “hey I just started drinking” drink. That and a Long Island…
I love this topic. My partner and I had a diner in honor of our nephew we were raising from age 9-19. The diner to say welcome from all your new Uncles (gay close friends ours) included a RSVP. Someone thought they were so close to us that they could break the rule and brought someone with him. It was embarrassing to not see his name on the name cards at each plate setting.
I was just recently at a house party. the only thing i forgot to bring was a drink. but it was so crowded that no one even noticed. but it was like an instagram photo shoot. saw flashing lights everywhere
This list was on point. I have definitely noticed that guys are kind of ignorant of this kind of social etiquette. I, personally, was kind of turned off the first time I went to a house party full of people that ran out of liquor. I was taught that it is bad etiquette to show up to a house party empty handed. An inexpensive bottle of middle grade liquor (or at least a bottle of whatever I drink) is enough to secure proper social graces and as the author said be invited to other parties.
One thing I think that was left off the list that I was taught was that it is also kind of tacky to take home the bottle you brought whether it was opened or not. I have been at house parties where a guy was called out for snatching up his unopened bottle of liquor at the end of the party. Overall it wasn’t a big deal but it was poor taste and made the guy look like a jerk.
Good list tho!
Tito’s is a very good choice. Also, you can never go wrong with Three Olives Vodka. It’s smooth and comes in a variety of flavors that will taste a helluva lot better than the Headache Juice that is Smirnoff. Trust me, I’ve been through enough vodka to know.
Very good read. I love a good gay house party. These parties can be a good outlet for meeting new people and meeting your next good “piece.” I have been to some really great house parties, and I only was concerned about HAVING A GOOD TIME. I didn’t care who else was there, or whether or not I had screwed somebody else there – which was always the case – they were not my focus. What was in the pass was done and over. I extended courtesies to everyone there including all of my old pieces, and they, for the most part, did likewise. I just don’t believe in holding on to all of that “baggage.” I partied hard because THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I CAME TO DO. I don’t think I’ve ever brought anything to any party but LIFE, JOY, and HAPPINESS. If you’re a prude I will call you out. Gay men can be so pretentious, it’s just pathetic – putting on fake airs while pretending to be refined, yet coming across “stuffy.” I have had my share of good sex as well as the next man, but that doesn’t preclude me from being in the presence of an old flame. We’re not friends per se’, but we have had a sexual encounter and the least we should do is be cordial to one another. The last great party I went to was where the 3rd party person could not hold their liquor and started drama – “somebody’s boyfriend’s boyfriend” type of drunken drama. The party was ruined at the very end by this nut and I didn’t get a chance to hook up with a piece I was eying. The Drunk ruined it.
We all get it, you are super attractive and have had lots of pieces, so many in fact, that you run into them everywhere you go. Life is grand for you. Kudos.
OMG @coshamo has risen from the grave! 🙂
In lieu of liquor, can one bring a bag of weed if one knows smoking will allowed and going on? Just wondering.
They forgot the #1 rule … No sex in the bathroom
This is pretty funny. You would think that a lot of things on this list would be common sense but apparently not lol. I’ve been to a few of the parties and have seen the majority of these rules broken by multiple people all in one night. It’s pretty funny in retrospect but in the moment I’m like, “These guys are the worst” lol
Nice rule for house parties. I have been to a few here in Atlanta, GA. Great experiences, most of the hosts I new and some I didn’t because of being invited from a friend of the host. I always thought of the house party as my own home and respect it as such. I’ve always brought wine or some liquor. For me I like the intimacy of house parties over clubs. This guide is on point.
I stay in Atlanta and I love going to house parties as a way of getting to know people in the black gay community. I’d love to attend one of your parties.
Anyone in the Metroplex that wanna do one of these? We just won't call it a gay house party, but a Cypher Ave house party. I'll host. (Ha, ha…I'll host. Lol.)