HELP! I’m Stuck in the Friend Zone

By OckyDub | Posted Dec 30 2014 | 9 Comments  


In this edition of Be Cool and Take Our Advice, Cypher Avenue attempts to help a brother get out of the dreaded Friend Zone.

Dear Ocky,

I’m a single man looking for a relationship but I’m afraid I’m permanently trapped in the friend zone. I’m a relatively good looking dude that’s in good shape. I have a good mind and consider myself generally fun to be around. I meet guys all the time and I try to build something and I am always left in the friend zone. I’ve grown up believing you should be friends first with your partner so I try to build a friendship, but I end up stuck there.

It doesn’t make it any better that the guys I go after always tell me that I’m a great guy and a great “friend.” I don’t have casual sex (unless I just have needs) so I don’t do the whole sleeping on the first night thing. In fact, I don’t do any intimacy with guys I like because I’m trying to get to know them. So how does someone looking for a relationship stay out of the friend zone?


Dear Friend Zone,

Why are you continuously being put in the friend zone box? I think there are two main reasons for this.

Reason One – Your dates may not find you sexually attractive.

No, I’m not saying you’re unattractive. Being attractive has nothing to do with someone being attracted to you. Your dates may think you’re attractive but may not find you sexy or attractive enough for exploring a relationship with you. Regardless if you’re (or the man you are interested in) holding off on sexual intimacy, intimacy (cuddling, touching, kissing, hugging) is still important. If these guys don’t even want non-sexual intimacy, there’s a problem. There are plenty of “friends” who still have benefits. Are you dating men in your range or men that you may consider “out of your league?” Most men want and date men similar to them. That whole “opposite attract” thing is only true for some.


Reason Two – You regulate yourself to the Friend Zone.

By your admission, you attempt to be their friend first. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that but your intentions should be known from the beginning. Are you making it known that you are simply looking to be their friend or are you making it known that you are looking at them as a potential partner? Obviously these are not the same but how are you presenting yourself? If your goal is finding a potential partner, than dating should be treated as such and not dating to find friends. If you’re dating to find friends, than you’re sabotaging and regulating yourself to the friend zone. Could another reason this keeps happening is because subconsciously you may not really be ready for a relationship?

What if

Something else to think about, how is your game and do you flirt with your dates? I don’t put my Mack Hat on and whisper sweet nothings when I’m attempting to be someone’s friend but that’s not true with dates. Again this falls in line with making your intentions known from the beginning. This doesn’t mean planning your wedding on the first date; however your date should have no confusions as to whether you’re single looking to mingle or single and looking to settle down.

If you’re stuck with the ideal of a fairy tale scenario like in the movies where…The guy who has been the friend the whole film eventually gets the girl; AFTER she is stood up on her wedding day and only THEN she realizes that her true love is the great guy who has been her friend all alongyou need to come back to reality.

So what do you guys think? Why does this kat keeping ending up in the Friend Zone?

Be Cool and Take Our Advice




About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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9 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. alton
    NYCforEVER | December 30th, 2014

    I agree 100% with every word, Ock. Great advice.

  2. dgdn22 | December 30th, 2014

    I agree with the advice provided here. I think the first key is communication. Make your intentions clear from the beginning, and your terms so speak. Meaning, if your not looking for a one-nighter but rather to get to know a guy be clear about that. Which brings me to the second key, the intimacy issue. Its perfectly fine to be flirtatious, witty banter with sexual innuendos, lingering touches and maybe some playful kissing… whatever your style is. None of these things have to lead to sex, but are, I think, a part of exploring the connection between two individuals. Don’t place parameters like not being intimate when there is someone youre interested in because youre just setting yourself up for disappointment trying to control things that might otherwise happen naturally.

  3. PrincetonG | December 30th, 2014

    I completely agree with the sexual attraction thing. People just have different tastes. It’s no offense. For example, by most standards someone like Shemar Moore is seen as sexier than someone like Donald Faison. However, if I had my choice its Donald Faison all day. Shemar is good looking but never got me hard. Anyway lol. I love that quote: “Being attractive has nothing to do with someone being attracted to you.” Great advice.

  4. DFW Brutha
    DFWBrutha | December 30th, 2014

    ‘I don’t have casual sex (unless I just have needs) so I don’t do the whole sleeping on the first night thing. In fact, I don’t do any intimacy with guys I like because I’m trying to get to know them. So how does someone looking for a relationship stay out of the friend zone?’

    Don’t hesitate to SAFELY test drive a desired car before you sit down with sales to determine if you want to purchase it. Even if the numbers don’t pan out to your liking (after the drive); hopefully the drive was at least memorable or sobering.

  5. ControlledXaos | December 30th, 2014

    If you are looking for friends, keep them as such. If you are looking for dates, let people know. You can get to know people who are potential mates without having to place them in the Friend Category first. If you are meant to be friends with someone who you initially thought would be a potential mate, that will work itself out on it’s own. Especially if you don’t have sex.

    If you have needs, you are single, they are single, it’s okay. Read the Dr. Strangelove article from a few weeks back. Casual sex, which may or may not include penetration, is fine as long as everyone knows that this is just what it is and it’s not a gateway to a relationship. However, I will say that I’d try to hold off on sex at least for a few dates. PreDate JO for the win!

  6. BlackguyExecutive | December 31st, 2014

    I think Ocky you presented some great advice.

    Just to add two cents here….I think being upfront about expectations will help. Discover partners outside of the club, internet, and phone app helps too. Find someone that shares your interests and values.

    I think sometimes we forget that relationships need to be cultivated. Relationships requires hard work…continuous courting….

  7. thatGuy | December 31st, 2014

    Very informative Ock. This is where I am at thanks. Kinda slapped the shit out of me early in the morning…LOL

  8. Awkward Black Boy | December 31st, 2014

    Well this is interesting. I’ve been put in the friend zone before and it never even occurred to me to question whether I put myself there lol.

  9. SB3000 | December 31st, 2014

    Yea, add me to the choir. Very sound advice.

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