Ask yourself this question…”If you died alone at home, how long would it take for someone to find your body?”
This question arose after reading an article about a docudrama titled Dreams of a Life involving a black woman in London by the name of Joyce Carol Vincent, who died in her apartment while wrapping Christmas gifts.
The really tragic part is that her body was not found for three years.
This had me thinking about my not so distant past and some of the gay men I have come across in my life. Why you ask?
Because I know many gay men who move away from their respective home towns and seek the obscure-ness and freedom of the “Big City”. In the big city we are not under the scrutiny of our families wondering when we will get married and have kids. We don’t have to worry about the town folk, who may be in our business with open prying eyes and ears to report back their findings to our friends and family. Or family finding out that you might have fucked around with someone you went to high school with. In cities we can blend in, while still being apart of the gay culture.
In cities we can live with a sense of openness (not necessarily being out) knowing that our private lives can remain somewhat private and relish in the solitude and peace of mind.
I mean when you live by yourself you don’t have to worry about clearing out your internet browsing history. You can walk around naked and you can leave your gay porn out and not care. For many of us masculine men, we value our privacy like the Holy Grail, but we can also become somewhat reclusive.
Being creatures of habit, we can get caught up and set in our “ways” as we get older, remain single and protective of our personal space. Bypassing any real human contact outside of work or the gym. Remaining solo, secretive and reclusive even amongst our friends and acquaintances.
So ask yourself these two questions…
- Could what happened to Joyce Carol Vincent ever happen to you?
- If you died at home, how long would it take for someone to find your body?”
Would it take 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months or as for Joyce, 3 years!?
Having meaningful friendships and a support base are crucial for mental health and stability.
So many of us feel that if we meet another masculine man who is cool and has some good attributes, then for some reason we must hook up sexually with him. After we fuck around then we feel that we can attempt to form some sort of relationship or friendship. We do this sometimes not realizing we could be potentially sabotaging ourselves from having meaningful long lasting friendships.
Just because someone may initially meet your qualifications on your “potential boyfriend checklist” does not mean you instantly get in the bed with them, like I and others I know may have done in the past or still do to this day.
No matter how great you may be (or think you are)…no one can survive in this world on their own. We are social beings and must coexist and live under some sort of social constructs and interactivity. I feel some of us need to find and foster human contact and relationships outside of just general phone calls, the internet, instant messaging, texting and sexual hook ups.
Besides, WHO WANTS TO DIE ALONE?
This was a fantastic story. I read the entire article too. I agree with you; no one (in their right mind) wants to die alone. I am 52 years old, divorced, father of one son, and have [secretly] been a bisexual person all my life. I happened to live alone. I was born and lived in a major city, was quite popular in all my schools, served my country honorably and faithfully in the military for twenty years, traveled much of the world, got college-educated and am working on enhancing that education, and now live in the Midwest where I am presently employed part-time. I have always had very [very!] few friends. The only family that lives in my city is my son whom I get to see less than seven times a month. Most of my family still lives in my home town or elsewhere. So, for all intents and purposes, I am – and live – alone. Since my divorce, I once lived in a house – alone – until I lost that house and had to move to the apartment where I am now living – alone. Do I LIKE living alone? Yes – sometimes, because I very much treasure the freedom and privacy it provides. And, it’s just like you said of us men: I too, often walk and sit around my place naked (except when my son visits, of course!), I don’t have to be concerned with hiding the porn on my [so-designated] spank-bank laptop computer (for which only I have the password), and I do just about all the other things a single man who lives – alone does – and without shame. If I had a roommate similar to me in that regard, and we got along great, that would be so kool! Do I WANT to be alone? No. I have often felt (read: feared) what would happen to me if I were to die alone in this fine apartment. As I just said; I have very few “friends” in the city I live in; “friends” who rarely ever call me, although there was a time when I would call them all the time simply to see how each of them were doing. I have recently wised up and realized that none of them cared enough about ME to do the same on their own. I would see one or two at work and others I would see at the pubs, but the only time any one of them would call me is when they wanted something or needed help with something. Sad. Obviously, I need to start looking for better people to make friends with and/or move to a larger city where the chances that happening are much greater. You were right in your comment about some men meeting someone whom we think is kool, attractive, and feeling the need to hook-up with that person, AND then try to establish some sort of relationship. That couldn’t be more backwards. Yet I admit to falling in that trap once or twice during my desperate need for emotional and physical affection during my long and nasty divorce process. On a side note, let me say that going through a divorce can temporarily make one lose certain traits of common sense! Fortunately, I’ve since regained my good sense! All my life all I ever wanted was a true, honest person(s) to be my friend; someone I could trust, rely on, and not be judgmental of me, my sexual orientation, or lifestyle; someone who would make a good conversationalist, have a good personality, not be afraid or uptight to express his emotions and feeling to me (as I would to them); someone who thinks of ME sometimes- not just him/herself; and someone to have my back – a “ride or die” friend. If I had THAT person (or persons) in my life, I think my life would be so much better! I envy others who [seem to] have those types of friends/relationships. I’ve always feared that I would leave this world without having at least one such person to call “true friend”. If I had such friends, I believe with all certainty that at least one of them would check up on me if I was “off the radar” for several days, weeks, months, or a year. They would visit me often (as I would them), and the most trusted, the closest person who would be that type of friend would even have a key to my apartment – just in case of emergencies regarding my well-being. Perhaps no such person exists in real life and I’m living in a fool’s paradise. IDK. And so, reading this story just served as a painful reminder to me that without close family or close friends, I actually could die alone here in this apartment and it would indeed take a good amount of time (perhaps not three years! – but at least the time it takes for either the apartment manager to check on why I haven’t paid my rent in a while or for the odor of my decomposing body to seep out from my apartment into the hallway) for someone to find my body. It’s now 2012. I am a handsome, intelligent, single man with a great personality (or so I’ve been told). Here’s to hoping that the fates will allow me to find the type of friends and establish the type of relationship(s) I so desperately want and need so that I can begin to really enjoy my life and never have
Mr. X…thanks for your feedback, candor, openness and honesty. Sorry for not replying sooner.
Post like this and your reply are a large part of why Discreet City was created.
You presented yourself a question & answered it “Do I WANT to be alone? No.” You already stated you need to find better friends and you know the qualities and attributes that the person/s need to have. Well…there is no time like the present to begin to make these things take place! Meaning; you have already put out there what your wish and wants are. You are not going to find friends sitting in your apartment. Keep in mind there are plenty of great masculine men lonely alone in their homes just like you. So what to do…Take action! Figure out what you need to do to make this happen. As you know of course, don’t be desperate, be cautious…I think that goes with out saying.
As you stated you are an intelligent, knowledgeable well traveled bisexual gentleman who values his privacy and don’t have/make real friends easily. First step you have to do is make yourself open and available…we may want our friends or people that come into our life to fit a certain mold or niche but friends can come in all sexes and colors.
You are lucky…you are bisexual which means you have a huge pool of men and women not only to date and have sexual relations with but to also potentially find meaningful friendships. 52 is not old and you have plenty of time to fulfill the possibilities.
It is 2012. What are you willing to do to make sure you are not in this same type of situation in 2013? You have the power to change this. Feel free to reply or send me an email at discreetcity@gmail.com. Thank you for visiting our post and I wish you the best of luck…but I doubt you will need it! 🙂
Thanks for the response and the encouragement, Octavius! And you are right: I DO need to get out of my apartment and get back to social mingling! I hear this often. For some reason, I supposed I ignored the possibility that there are many other men in my situation, if not similar. Although money is bit tight for me right now and will limit going out as often as I’d like, I won’t let that stop me from going out at all. I suppose the issue I’ve had [recently] with going to clubs/pubs and other social outings is the fact that I usually don’t know anyone, I rarely – if ever – just walk up to someone and start a conversation (especially females). And almost 99 percent of the time, I’m usually at such places having a beer or some drink – alone, staying there up to the point where I get bored (usually after a few hours or so) and leave to either go to another pub/club or go home. In such places, I often find myself socializing with the bartenders, wait staff, and DJs (each which has its own benefits). In my last comment, I indicated that perhaps a move to a larger city would improve my chances of meeting people. Well, just yesterday a co-worker told me that every other weekend he drives two (2) hours away to the clubs/pubs in the largest city near our hometown! That seems a bit extreme – and expensive, gas-wise but he says the benefits are well worth the expense! He has met more people, has had more hook-ups, and says there is rarely a chance he’d ever run into anyone there who could put his “personal business” on blast back home. His point was valid and the idea is certainly something for me to consider (although I know of some decent places just a little bit closer to home). Since I am aware of my “loneliness problem” and already know the HOW and sometimes the WHERE …to go to meet people, all I gotta do is …“just DO it”! Who knows; I just might meet the person who will appreciate me for me AND have a good time while doing it! I am determined NOT to go through another full year being alone and miserable nor do I want to go into 2013 – or the rest of my natural life – being alone either! I found Discreet City a short time ago. I intend to keep visiting and reading the articles AND comments from you and our brothers out there for as long as this website is available. It is so-o-o-o good to know that I’m not alone in this challenge called “life”. Thanks for all you do! 1 ~ RobFather