I’m Not Just a Rapist but Also a Rapee

By OckyDub | Posted May 21 2017 | 13 Comments  


Yeah, I know rape-ee (as a person who is raped) isn’t a proper term but of course I’m relating to ‘employer’ and ‘employee’, and to my knowledge there isn’t a one word antonym for rape. Keep in mind I’m not making light of the subject of rape and sexual assault. I’ve discussed and written about the marginalization of male rape and male sexual assault victims.

I’m one of those web surfers who constantly save or bookmarks articles or websites for later viewing (which rarely happens) and have built up a library of hundreds of links. In the process of cleaning up some files I came across a post from early 2016 concerning backlash The Steve Harvey Morning Show’s ‘Strawberry Letter’ segment received that had to do with consent and rape.

The reaction and statements from sexual assault advocates and feminists gave me pause and caused me to examine not only if I was a rapist (by definition) but had I also been a victim of raped?

Listen to my commentary involving the description and backlash of the ‘Strawberry Letter’ in addition to my own admissions below.




About the Author

Octavius is a founder and editor of Cypher Avenue. He's here to help speak for us and show the world that masculine gay / bisexual men of color are not a part of the stereotypical gay normal that is seen and fed to the masses. No...we are a distinct breed, filled with character and pride. Cypher Avenue is here to show the world how we are different.

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13 Comments Feel Free To Join The Cypher.

  1. Rico
    Rico | May 22nd, 2017

    Uh…ok. Lol. First of all, I agree with you that what one lawfully does in one's home is one's business. So if she wants to be "tore up from the floor up" at home sobeit. Based on what you read of the show staff's comments, I agree with those who accuse them of blaming the victim. Also, with it being Steve Harvey, there's also some of that black church hypocrite moralizing. And regardless as to whether the girl was drunk at home, or in a New Orleans alley at Mardi Gras, any non-consensual sex would most likely be treated as predation on the male's part by local prosecutors and grand juries. It's a shame that black folks are on the radio with some fucked up "she had it coming" attitude like we're religious retards in Ancient Christian/Jewish/Muslim societies.

    Now as to the issue of consent, you and I part. Non-consensual sex is always wrong, I don't care if you're married, partnered, etc. Considering all 50 states have marital rape laws, the status of significant other doesn't give one carte blache to another persons body. Mindful consent is Integral in Western jurisprudence, whether we're talking about contracts, minors, sexual relations, etc.

    Steve Harvey needs to stfu on this one because he doesn't speak for all men. This dude in the scenario is a creep to me, as it's a heterosexual relationship and the girl could have ended up pregnant against her will. I've never "just taken it" from or done "an army crawl" on a sexual partner; and had it been done to me, I would consider it assault as it shows a lack of concern for my feelings, wishes. I personally know a dude I grew up with who did the exact same thing in this girl's scenario and he was imho rightfully convicted and will be a registered sex offender for life.

    Regardless as to any of our opinions, sexual assault is defined by each state's criminal code. More than likely, the act was categorized as SA in this couple's state. On an interesting note, this type of thing happens statistically way more in lesbian relationships than gay male relationships. So it would be interesting what the Steve Harvey Holiness Hypocrite crew would have said had it been a lesbian who wrote in about drunken, non-consensual sex.

    Guess it's appropriate Steve Harvey is moving his shitty show to California, as there are idiot judges out there who agree with him:

  2. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 22nd, 2017

    ^^ Agree. I think many couples have some kind of 'understanding' regarding caressing, touching, etc.-if you share a bed and are romantically involved(or have even been sexually involved) that is common….but actual sex acts? NO unless you have gotten a sort of 'standing order' regarding that. "Hey if I am ever in bed passed out and you want to fuck, go right ahead, ok?'

    Consent/informed consent is how I inform people about gay sex(and how it is not like 'other things')

    Straight sex-informed consent between two adults…okay
    Gay sex-informed consent between two consenting adults..okay
    Someone says no…no consent…not okay
    Sex with minors/kids… minors/kids not seen as having the ability of informed consent-not okay
    Sex with those who are severely mentally challenged-not capable of informed consent-not okay
    Sex with those who are unconscious-(unless they have given some prior consent)-no consent not okay
    Sex with those who are dead-(unless they have given some prior consent*yuck*)-no consent not okay

    I was asleep one time and someone I was dating woke me up(he was not even home when I fell asleep so it was a surprise)…I woke up because he was sucking my dick. I was not happy and he could not understand why. But because we were dating I did not feel sexually assaulted or anything. I just felt like it was a misunderstanding…I think he thought I would like that and would have been okay with that.

    When it comes to stuff like this, you should really be on the same page…strange though how to get on the same page…weird discussion…"hey if I am ever asleep and you want to sexually have your way with me….it will be okay with me…okay?… Oh yeah we can put that in writing and get it notarized..sure baby." ???????

  3. OckyDub
    Ockydub | May 22nd, 2017

    @Rico @ColumbusGuy

    So basically what you're both saying is in fact I am a rapist and I've bee raped/sexually assaulted….even though there were no victims???

  4. SB3
    SB3 | May 22nd, 2017

    I call bs! He needs his azz beat for having the audacity to wake her up talkin bout clean urself up. However, if I had a nickel for every time I was awakened by getting head, or woke that mofo up w head, id be filthy rich! So I guess im a victim AND a suspect.

  5. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 22nd, 2017


    I am surprised that your first response was that he was 'rude' in not cleaning her up..and not that he had sex with her while she was asleep/passed out. That was a bit strange to me.

    Also relationships differ..and 'touching and caressing' while in a relationship is different not only in relation to expectations but also in 'things taken for granted' and in respect to consciousness and unconsciousness and expectations. If you go by the strictest definitions, if you run up to your boyfriend/husband when you meet at the airport and give them a hug or kiss with out asking them first for consent, then that is some degree of sexual assault?-I don't think so.

    Also, has there been a history of caressing and touching with no problems when the partner found out? Is this part of an ongoing sexual dialogue both verbal and non-verbal? What is the reasonable expectations of both people based on their particular relationship? How do those people determine things within their own relationship?

    It may be sexual assault, or it may not. Better to know what you are doing beforehand. Nobody can tell you if you have been sexually assaulted in your situation, but you.

    Technically given what she said about what happened, that could be sexual assault. That could get him arrested and charged. Which is why you should communicate in your relationship about this kind of thing….about boundaries. I think this is often taken for granted and people assume things(and they are often spot on)but it only takes one time to be really off the mark, and then your actual freedom may be on the line. You did not mention enough about your situation, and again, it depends on how you feel about it, how he felt about it, and how you both felt about it together.

    *I did not think Rico was saying you were a rapist/rapee..where did he say that? I did not see it. I would guess given the fact that you now, after all this time, have to ask the question…means you were not raped/a rapee or sexual assaulter or assaultee. Things happen with context. As I said, even in my situation(when I was not pleased)I did not, and do not, think any kind of 'sexual assault' happened given the unique circumstances and 'in and outs'(lol forgive the pun)of that situation.

    Sometimes this issue is very cut and dried(or black or white..er…not for you since you are not down with the swirl LOL) and other times(many times) when you get away from extremes it is very grayish.

    Also 'there are no victims' only as long as nobody comes forth and claims to be one. What are you gonna say if one of these guys from the past (if it involves anyone other than your current partner) starts claiming he did not give consent and you had sex with him while he was asleep and passed out? What would your response be?

  6. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 22nd, 2017

    Agree with first part.

    Second part…

    Well good thing you did not try and press charges…sluts have a hard time in court. Of course you would have 'dispatched' with everyone involved and be in the clear given your wealth of knowledge form your 'killer shows'.


  7. SB3
    SB3 | May 23rd, 2017

    I wasn't bein a slut, talkin bout w the ex.

  8. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 23rd, 2017

    Which is what I figured but that is no fun, lol. And if neither of you think you were sexually assaulted, then there was no sexual assault. Sounds like there was some sort of 'understanding' involved either explicit or tacit? If someone does something and you don't complain and enjoy it and keep letting it happen, I think an 'implied consent or tacit consent' is involved, no?

  9. SB3
    SB3 | May 23rd, 2017

    Please. The one thing we got right was sex. We were just respectful enough to not wke each other up 'to clean up' . We had 0 problems rolling around in left over jizz until we finally decided to shower. We'd literally bust like 10x each on a lazy Sunday and loaf. We were sooo gross.

  10. ColumbusGuy
    ColumbusGuy | May 23rd, 2017

    ^^ um….you did not perchance video or record any of that sex and rolling around in left over jizz and all? Just asking.


  11. SB3
    SB3 | May 23rd, 2017

    We actually did make a short video once w/o our faces showing, but did the responsible thing and deleted it lol

  12. Rico
    Rico | May 23rd, 2017

    No, you're not. My national spokesman, Columbus Guy, has already expressed my other views on the topic.

  13. 850famuman
    850famuman | June 13th, 2017

    LoL….the comments in this section. Ive also had this experience of being woken up (thank god ima light sleeper) by unwanted or unrequested sexual contact by people im romantically​ involved with and I either told them Nope, I was sleep/too tired to participate or decided to go with the flow to satisfy them so we both could get some sleep. I dont think Id ever want to drift into that gray area of them not taking no for an answer…….

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