CYPHER AVENUE INTERVIEWS: T.J. Williams – A Black Gay Londoner 

 

 

 I’m sure you’ve seen our most popular article, The Top 15 Reasons That You’re Still a Single Masculine Gay/Bisexual Man. It made me wonder, as far as dating goes, what are your difficulties in the UK or are the pretty much the same as the ones here?

I would say they are pretty much one and the same. But regardless of the fact that at times it might seem like a broken record or you come across the same B.S. time after time, there’s gonna come that one situation the changes the game.

Even if you go through say 4 situations with a dead end, then you have one situation that leads somewhere for a period of time (which may come to its own end). I still feel like that one situation is the motivation to inspire hope that there are people out there that go against the grain and don’t fit the stereotype.

So you’re attitude is to say to yourself, “If I’m out here, and I know the type of person I am, then there must be other people like myself out here as well.”

Exactly.

So what are ways you personally meet masculine guys in the UK besides the Internet?

For people of color, like I said before, you guys are streets ahead in the States. You can literally count the number of [gay] events [for people of color] on one hand that take place over here. And even then, most of those events are only once every 3-4 weeks. So it’s quite limited. Me personally, I’m not a club person. So I’m not the best to speak on the club element of things, but from what I know its quite limited and the pool in London is quite limited as well. So it’s always the same crowd. There’s not really much of an outlet for people.

Speaking of outlets for people, the name of this website obviously is Discreet City. In the States, amongst Gay men, there is a conflict on what “discreet” means versus “down low” versus “in the closet.” Is there the same amount of confusion in terminology over there or is the terminology completely different?

Over here, we’re not about the labels to be honest. In America, there’s this need to HAVE to subscribe, this need to HAVE to be put into a particular box to kind of help people with understanding. Sometimes that can be quite limiting. The title of you guys’ website is as clear as day: Discreet City. My perception of the word “discreet” is people that are at inner peace with themselves but just don’t feel the need for other people to know their business. I don’t really do labels but if I had to give myself one, then that would be it.

We’re constantly getting flack from feminine guys on the issue of masculinity and femininity. Are things more “loose” in the UK when it comes to femininity? Men with feminine traits?

Give me an example…

-Yeah, just aspects that may not even be overt, just things that make me look at a person and the red flag goes up. So for me, I have the attitude that you can’t be “a little feminine.” The whole “inbetween” label I never accepted because to me you’re either feminine or you’re not.

So I guess I’m asking, since you mentioned that you’re not into labels, are you the type of guy that’s open to dating men more fluid with gender roles? Men with feminine mannerisms?

(Laughs) You know what….my “type” is just….Masculine. I feel like, if I’m gonna be with someone, then I can’t force myself to “fake the funk.” I’m not attracted to people that are not masculine. That’s just the way it is.

I mean, I respect people for being who they are because one thing that helped me in this journey of self discovery was looking at people that aren’t necessarily like those who have it slightly easier being masculine. Meaning, you can go about your business undetected, no one’s raising the eyebrow.

But there are people who have to deal with people’s opinions on a daily basis, sometimes through no fault of their own. People you would see in the street and you can see what’s up [about their sexuality].

But at the same time, they exude a level of confidence that surpasses people and their opinions. So I respect that, but personally from a dating standpoint, that’s not my thing.

With my blog, I’m a masculine dude, but a lot of people that interact [leave comments, send emails] are feminine. So it’s like: I’m catering to the masculine dudes, but they’re not reaching out and saying, “I appreciated that” or “I got something from that” or “I’m feeling what you’re saying.” So from a business standpoint [on my blog], I can’t just cater to one market. It just doesn’t make business sense.

It is my input, my experiences, what I’m living…but at the same time I’ve got to develop it into a brand as well. That’s the direction that the blog is going. If you went way back in time to 2008 when the blog was first started, I was pouring in the REAL! What I was going through, what my mindset was like…But I didn’t get no responses! So I was like, “Damn, this is like talking to a brick wall.” (Laughs)

Yeah, Discreet City is the same in that many of our masculine readers don’t interact with us to keep us motivated. But the feminine guys go as far as to post MULTIPLE negative comments, even under DIFFERENT names (like we don’t notice).

It’s like a balance…I know I’m masculine…but the masculine people don’t talk back. The feminine people do. They’ll let you know what it is…Like with any brand, you’ve gotta be responsible and you’ve gotta think commercially as well. You‘re not trying to compromise your integrity but at the same time, you’ve gotta maintain a balance.

Well TJ, thanks a lot for your time, man. This was a good talk. It’s cool to get your UK perspective on things. I know I related to a lot of what you said and admittedly if I’d heard/read your words when I was a teenager/young adult, they would have helped a lot in my journey dealing with my sexuality as a discreet masculine guy. Hopefully someone out there will benefit from this as well.

Yeah, this has been really cool, I really enjoyed it.

Visit TJ Williams’ blog, BLUD, here at: http://blacklondoner.blogspot.co.uk/
You can contact him via Twitter: @BlackL0ndoner

– Nick D