Obviously the surplus of testosterone hasn’t hit you yet….you hopeless romantic you. Your problem is that you are so pathetically hopeless that you have exhausted every means of reaching out to everyone in your online area, only to get boring one-sided convo, or no reply at all (even though you see he has read your message 15 min. 23 seconds ago). Am I starting to hit a familiar nerve?You’ve tried to play it cool and not play the sexy slut by posting more conservative, yet appealing photos, but only in vain. For the man you seek only finds you appetizing and disappoints you by replying with the one hitter quitter: “Unlock” (you know this all too familiar indication). Tell that stud to slow his steed. Suddenly, all of your daydreams of your romantic first date together whirl straight down the shitter.
It wasn’t enjoyable due to the odd shape of his penis, hence the nickname Bendy. But I digress. To the romantics out there I say value yourself. You are better than any application. Your look and your personality are one in a million and nobody can experience it without your physical presence and aura. Get out there; make yourself visible and let love come. I mean really, do you want to be the one introducing your boyfriend as “the guy I met on Grindr?” I’ll wait……… No?…… Thought so.
I’m willing to bet that you’ve always dreamt along the lines of the “he approached me in Barnes & Noble” spiel. If I was a friend being introduced to your Grindr beau, I would assume you met on one of your lonely, horny nights. If that so happens to be the case, I truly wish it works out…..for you and your “open relationship”. *Sips Long Island Tea*. All jokes aside, whichever avenue you choose in dating, always be cautious and always be safe. Much luck, much love.
J Bell can help you with personal advice, relationship advice and business advice.
Any questions can be submitted directly to J Bell at jbell.uncloseted@gmail.com
Was this relatable for you? Feel free to share your own experiences and offer advice.
J Bell
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve longed to meet an interesting guy in the coffee shop, food market or even the ‘Barnes and Noble’. All that seems to be available to me or those hookup apps and websites. I have nothing against the social apps (in fact, I once met one of the sexiest dudes on jackd) but It’s very frustrating when you’re interested in somehing more than a quick f*ck.
I would agree…for many online websites and apps are the most comfortable way to met other gay men. I would also argue this method is not the best for everyone.
I agree Ocky, this might not be for everyone. And you know as I stated before this may be the only forum gay men may have to properly meet a certain type they are looking for, because we all going to the club to meet someone may not always be the best idea. Now granted someone online, may not be honest about who they are as a person. But then again someone you meet in person, may not be honest about who they are just the same. Now if one is worried about meeting someone who looks like nothing like their pictures, my recommendation is to webchat with the person before you meet them in public, that way your in your comfort zone, you can see what the person looks like before getting “catfished”, and you’ll be able to see their body language and facial expressions etc. It may not be the same as meeting them in person, but it’s almost similar. But like I said, there are even straight people out there who do online dating because of certain preferences they may or may not have.
So when it comes to online dating, some may prefer to date a particular religion, a certain status, a certain sexual orientation etc. The list goes on. I mean you’ll win some and lose some. And I think everyone would prefer to tell a story of meeting their boyfriend or husband at a book store. But to me does that really even happen in real life, where you bump into someone at a book store? I mean no disrespect but this isn’t some disney channel or lifetime movie. I mean sometimes the way I see it, were already out of the norm according to society for being gay, so it begs the question to ask, does online dating really make us that unconvential? I mean there are some guys on there looking solely for sex, some looking for a relationship. Just remember twenty to thirty years ago, gay men didn’t have these luxuries (which have a good and bad side, I won’t be naive to that). Back then they had to play the guessing game or simply, “I’ll marry a woman and ignore my feelings for men” game. And online dating although having its risks to it, it seems to make dating fun, you know potentially going on multiple dates, seeing which one works better for you. Kind of like one of those dating shows. lol. But anyways my point is, I’m trying to showcase the more positive side of online dating, because I know a few couples that met online and are now married and mind you they are not even gay couples, they are straight couples. And Straight people have more of an advantage in the dating world then we do, so what does that tell us? So therefore keep an open mind everyone. And thanks J. Bell for a great read!
Hey, there’s nothing shameful about admitting you met your boyfriend/partner/husband on a social media app. It’s unlikely, but nt shameful. I say find love wherever you can. As much as we all would like to be able to meet a nice dude at the bookstore or library, that’s not really likely due to the social stigma of homosexuality and also due to the fact that you can’t always tell who’s down. I think apps feel a void in terms of determining who gets down around you. Maybe folks should log into Jackd when they’re at the bookstore as opposed to at the club. You might meet a different kind of person.
I agree with Black Pegasus. It can be very frustrating trying to find something other than sex on the social apps. At the same time I think I may have to try what Will said about using Jackd in the bookstore or something similar.
I think alot of gay men resort to online dating, and social media dating apps, because maybe for one they know exactly what they want (which could be a good or bad thing). Also consider their area, they may live in a very conservative area. And I know for some this makes the dating regime alot more easier for more people. So I don’t think anyone really wants to go through these sites to be honest. However, for some it may be their only option of being able to get into the dating world, cause alot of gay men might not have good “gaydar” and when your not sure of someone’s sexuality, you play the guessing game “are they” or “arent they”? And its 2013, I don’t think anyone feels like doing that anymore. Plus I think online dating could help in some ways, some people might be handicapped in some ways deaf etc. or some could be HIV positive and have had trouble finding dates who accept them for them, so going on an online site could help skim through to finding what they want.
Hello All!!
I appreciate the wonderful feedback and insight of others. I agree with many of your viewpoints, as well. I wrote this article as a means of simply expressing my viewpoint based on my experiences and the experiences of many friends and acquaintances. I do believe love can be achieved only, but is it likely? I doubt it. Unfortunately, the majortity of users log on in times of convenience (I.e desiring sexual encounters, or wanting to know if the hot guy in the check-out line is gay). I don’t believe anything is wrong with online dating but I am a traditional kind of prude :p There can be both a dark side and a bright side to dating apps. Ultimately, the experience is up to the user. It’s just important to be educated both the poaaibilities and dangers of online dating. Check out this article on Huffington Post: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/3248524/. Thanks again!
J.Bell
@J. Bell
You’re quite welcomed, enjoyed reading your piece.. and many thanks for the link to the huff post article. The author essentially broke it down to it’s raw truth.
Here’s a powerful excerpt for the article:
_______________
“Maybe we’re just hopeless romantics, but a more likely explanation is that we’re looking for a brief, fleeting feeling of validation. It’s a powerful tonic for many of us who never had authentic validation growing up, when we were told that we should be ashamed of our attractions and feelings. This pain, stuffed down for years, has stayed with us, like the rotten core of an otherwise perfect apple.”
______________________
wow 🙂
I feel thoses on Grindr, Jack’d, or any other of these mobile/online apps looking 4 “LOVE” are delusional and very naive (trying to be nice and not use the word dumb.) Not saying that it is not possible, but we all know what most people want on these apps. I am very truthful about mine, I am either on there for entertain, boredom, or I want sex. I feel like you need not to trust anyone (especially online) until they have earned it, a few conversations and phone calls does not mean ur trustworthy, and I think that’s were we all go wrong. No one is truly them-self after a few phone calls. Also, I feel if people want to say they met there husband/boyfriend at the grocery store while we both are picking out grapes then they, themselves, need to take the risk while at the library, grocery store, or other venue and walk up to the guy and talk to him. If your interested and he has been eyeing you, then be a man and say something to him. Personally, I am not dating or trying to date at this point in my life, but people make dating and meeting others complicated. I feel as people are too easy, J. Bell if you really wanted to pursue the guy, tell him no you dont want to have sex with him until there are more feeling involved and you know that this is going somewhere. A first date with a guy should not be at his house, it should out somewhere so that u guys can experience going out in public to see if you are comfortable with each other and take away the sexual tension.
I just truly believe people know other intentions, 9 times out of 10, but we ignore our gut feeling or the signs for whateva reason that may be.
My experience has been different. I met one of my ex’s at the one and only “black pride” I’ve attended. Was with him for a year. I’m always hearing people say that black pride events are nothing but sex parties, but that wasn’t my experience. I’ve dated dudes off social apps too. They weren’t the best relationships, but it was what it was. I have a buddy who met his boyfriend on Craigslist. Even I was like “where dey do dat at?” I think a lot of life is what you make it. A lot of shit has to do with the way you operate.
As a man who is not ‘out’, but not paranoid in the least, i feel like apps are a natural go to. However, not bein into hookups, I learned that my optimistic view of ‘if im on here…’ wasnt a good look. I really ask the question tho, HOW DO WE MEET EACH OTHER? At 30 yrs old, in NYC, Ive accepted the fact that I might end up alone. WTF, is that about?
In NYC, there many opportunity to meet guys outside of an app, I think u just need to be willing to take chances. There are too many masculine homosexual guys in the NYC.
NYC is a hotbed of gay activity brotha. There is something for everyone. I’m going to assume that the Apps-Life is the same there just like it is everywhere else so you’ve got to find some other resources. Meetup.com is a nice place to look for an alternative. Even if you don’t see something you like you could set a your own Meetup and see if anyone comes to it. Good Luck man.
As an avid international traveler, I’ve initiated several genuine friendships, some platonic, others not, through a bear site.
Theoretically & in practice bear subculture is less judgmental than other segments of the gay community at large. If you have a profile on the site you’re more likely to be hit on by someone you wouldn’t normally be attracted to, however, civility is the order of the day. Nearly everyone responds with at least a ‘thank you’ to anyone who sends a like/smile/etc.
Until being hipped to reality, most of my friends were under the impression that all bears were fat, white, old and/or hairy… many are. Some aren’t. 🙂 At the end of the day, if you’re looking for love, you’ve got to get past the window dressing. More black brothers ought to expand their horizons.
This article really resonated with me. I find it so difficult to meet guys. I don’t actually go on those mobile apps, but I have seen them on my friend’s phones. I’m 33, but haven’t dated any guys yet. I’m very career oriented and I don’t really get into the club scene. I’d love to bump into a guy at the grocery store or whatever, but that doesn’t seem like it will ever happen. I workout 5x a day, but I don’t pay attention to other guys and I would never approach someone due to the uncertainty. What’s a guy to do?
You stole my life, lol..but seriously, I can relate. Ppl think that because ur in NYC, w/ so many ppl, it should be easy. Im sure there are masculine gay men all over this city, but the problem is us finding each other.
The grocery store/gym/bookstore mtg would be great, but I mean, if a man is naturally a masculine guy, its not exactly easy to tell that we play for the same team.
I see your view with the app thing but lets not forget that there’s Twitter, Facebook and other social sites. I think which ever way you tend to make friends should be the avenue(s) to look at when trying to find a mate. With that said lets step back from our phones and internet for second. What ever happened to also establishing friendships/relationships through mutual friends, co-workers, organization(frats, clubs, charities,..etc), and church members ( for those that do go).. ?? Those seem to be one of the safest and oldest ways for folks to meet their potential. I admit I do own an “app account” but rest assure that I am NOT putting 100% of my faith into getting lucky off that.
I think the central problem of these apps are that we heavily rely on them to have ANY encounter with other gay men, rather than trying to meet someone in public. This was the first part of my viewpoint regarding gay men and dating/relationships. Please lookout for “Are Gay Men Really Punks?” Which will address another issue/stigma and offer some helpful advice while daring a call for action.
J.Bell
I have to chime in again here. I feel that many seem to be overly critical of online dating to be honest. I mean yes personal in person relationships are the best, like meeting someone through friends, etc, or even “church members” (I think that last one would be extremely rare, but it’s not to say it isn’t possible). As gay men are there guys who solely seek sex on those sites? sure? but the same could be said for those you meet through friends or at the club or whatever. Some people may not have time in their schedule to find someone. And someone here mentioned if you meet someone who is naturally masculine that it would be hard to sometimes know what team they are playing for, thus what I mentioned previously about playing the guessing game.
I mean we shouldn’t rely too much on this? yes I agree, but I don’t see a reason to really rule them out. I’m curious to know J Bell, have you ever used a mobile dating app or online dating? and if so what was your experience with it? If you dont mind me asking,
I’m not going to go on record to say finding love is what we should strive for in life, because I don’t believe that. But as gay men, we go through alot because of who we are attracted to, so sometimes I somewhat feel like, we should have something to show for it. You know going through all this suffering as gay men for “being gay”, yet dont have or never even been in a relationship to show for it, that’s crazy to me to be honest, hopefully someone sees the logic in what I just said. And once again remember as I stated before people rely on on online dating sites and mobile apps for different reasons, some may have a disability and may want to meet someone who has a disability like them or meet someone who may have the same HIV status as them or whatever background they may come from for someone to understand them and I’m sorry to say I understand that fully. or maybe some may have a certain preference to certain things, and in this day and age where an advantage is given to us to do that, why not safely take advantage of that? So for J Bell, maybe you may not have any of the aforementioned conditions as to why someone would hit up a site so hard, but these are things people think about. Maybe some people have been rejected because of their looks etc, the list goes on.
Now whether or not people could find love in those places? Who knows? But honestly the more avenue one has the better. But hey overall I respect the opinions to all and everyone, just want to bring in a different perspective.
Good questions, DC! As the article indicates, I have used online/phone apps before (read the paragraph about “Bendy”). I agree that there are those that soley use these apps so they can find a partner. I strongly believe that it is difficult because of the sea of explicit thumbnails to sincerely decifer a potential mate. Not only are these pictures distracting, but the fact that profiles allow users to post their height, weight, interests, and even penis size, create little room for the imagination or even the excitement of getting that physical and emotional attractions that one on one physical dating could.
I will not say that I haven’t heard of any online love stories because two of my dear friends are currently in their second year and still going strong. They met on Cupid.com. They prove both viewpoints to be true because both admitted that they intended to find love but also had there share of “fun” with other Cupid users when they had an itch that needed to be scratched. *sips Malbec*
Ultimately, my main point I want to convey is safety. There are those online who just want sex and others who may want more, that’s for you to discern. Either way, play if safe. I am old fashion and I believe that the best way to find a mate is to go to places that interest you and you may find a guy there. I understand the fear of approaching a masculine guy, not knowing what team he plays for, but I am CERTAIN there are ways around that. Too many gay men fear rejection or embarrassment these days that chivalry and courting do not exist nearly the same as heterosexual relationships and that needs to change or we are going to continue alienating ourselves and relegating to these apps. Please lookout for my next article.
J-Bell
I remember what online dating was like back in the day. There was an excitement about meeting dudes that was new and refreshing. As with anything that becomes a social norm, it has changed. Before, you could talk to a brotha for hours online, then move it to the phone and then move it to the physical. Nowadays it’s ‘How big is your dick? You live alone? You drive?’
Everything is so instant and basic now. Of course it’s harder to meet the kinds of men when want when we’re staring at a picture, saying to ourselves ‘Damn he’s hot’, hitting him up and putting all of our emphasis on that being the end all be all of meeting other brothas. It’s a means, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not the only way.
And like J Bell said, we do alienate ourselves from each other out of fear of rejection in the real world. If someone ignores you online it’s a bit easier to accept than putting yourself on the line and trying to make that connection in person. I don’t think that the apps will cease anytime soon, and I’m still trying my best to not look for potential mates online primarily because it hasn’t been working for me for the past few years (and insanity is doing the same thing and thinking you’ll get a different ending). But I am open and receptive to meeting other men in public places. I believe that the grocery store scenario is possible, because it’s happened before. But we have to let go of our own trepidation in order to advance our social lives. It’s a process but I believe you can’t move forward until you push yourself ahead.
Has anyone had their things stolen by someone they met on grindr, jackd etc?
I have twice now, second time today. Very annoying, inconvenient and upsetting.
First an iphone then a laptop which he somehow sneaked into his bag while I was in the bathroom, before saying goodbye.