I don’t remember exactly when I heard or read the expression, “The mirror has two faces.” I understand it to mean that it’s the image that we first project to others and then there’s the self who we truly are to our core –our inner selves. A novel concept that speaks to describe who we are on the surface and the masked man who’s secret identity we are trying to protect. I still read comics and into the super hero themed stories. Caught up into the action, storylines, and finding some wish fulfillment through its pages. The protagonist was our lovable hero. Flawed in some way, however, still fighting the good fight because of dutiful responsibility. His character stood on principles, morality, and he’s driven by a sense of his own reasoning and what is right. This is something most of us can relate to for sure. Imagine having the ability to look at a friendly honest face and being able to know their most inner darkest indiscretion.
Everyone has something that is held privately whether it’s a painful secret, an embarrassing fetish, an unlawful past, or a dangerous indulgence or vice. Most of us live in a veiled existence. Projecting an acceptable and comfortable image to our peers and others. Think how vulnerable and exposed would one feel if that sensitive information ever was leaked out? I understand that some people’s decision in coming out is meant to be an “empowering experience”. Usurping authority to extinguish that fuse. Detonating that bomb in the nick of time by a villainous, ill-intentioned individual. I respect anyone’s decision to be out and proud as clichéd as that sounds. It is brave to be out when there’s a segment in our society that still has a problem with being gay. Seemingly oxymoronic due to how progressive we have come. The new normal of our society is same sex relationships, same sex parenting, and the impact of social media, reality shows/docu-series, and the evolution of technology. These elements, some of which, are beyond our control and some believe that it can be controlled is an exercise of freedom. Freedom comes choice. I exercise my choice not to disclose my sexual preference vocationally and socially.
I have always been a very self-contained type of guy. Not too extroverted, silent but stoic. As I matured, gaining some life experience under my belt, I later discovered in my late 20’s about my proclivity to other men. I do subscribe to a particular type for I am a man’s man myself. I am not so closeted that I am socially mute on what’s going on. My evolution has led me to become the man that I am. I support the LGTB community financially through retail (DVD, music) and through charities (AID Atlanta, AESM, Human Rights Campaign). I make it a point to not disclose everything about me that makes me…ME.
I’m conscience who I am as a man and own my responsibilities to be a productive citizen/ and giving being. It’s my decision to remain discreet at work for my professional life is certainly separated just like my personal and family life. I find it not my responsibility to be the “Poster Child” on being out & gay/bisexual. I have a strike against me for being a man of color trying to compete in an environment where often times I am the only representative I see. Why should I wear another scarlet letter? Why must I shoulder that kind of obligation and be the token in the office. How revolutionary?!?
Please don’t get me wrong. There is no shame or “self-hate”. I am a proud Latino-American man. I’ve two degrees and worked in corporate America for 10+ since college. I have done a lot of amazing things in life (so far). I met a few interesting people along my journey. While working in corporate, I’ve witnessed racism, misogynistic comments made against female counterparts, as well as the non-politically correct homophobic remarks against the open or the assumed to be gay employees- all said in “jest”. I mask myself and all comments for that statement wasn’t made in an open forum. It was said in a circle of trust. You saw, only if for a second, someone’s true nature. That ugly, cysted-face of bigotry, racism and sexism. Their mask has slipped.
Is there safety being quiet? Perhaps so, however, I choose to stay in my lane. I go to work only to complete a task orientated with my job. I choose not to socialize, play ball, or fraternize outside of work with my coworkers. I’ve earned the respect of my team and peers over time due to my skill and work ethic. As a result, this helps create a reputation. Reputation builds prestige, trust, honor, and most importantly a good name. Often times, a good name is enough to carry you through to the next level or promotion and earn favor. Reputation can quickly tarnish with even a rumor or allegation. I don’t have PR to become my personal spin doctors. Silence is golden and keeps you out of trouble I find.
This, in part, is what makes me the exception all around. Ironically, there’s almost a double standard. Most can agree that people can accept a lesbian whether it’s in a hetero-environment or being out at work without much judgment compared to either a masculine or effeminate gay male. Females are less threatening socially and still objectified as a fairer sex. One of the straight man’s fantasy is being in a threesome with two women. Think if it was flipped.
All in all, I am a social anomaly. I’m not too comfortable in going to a gay club and in a predominately hetero-environment, I hate the crowds. I stay pretty much stationary in one particular spot and people watch. I’m told with a scowl on my face. I will continue to live in my selective truth of what is “right” and comfortable in my ordinary life. I will still be that masked man preserving my anonymity. Police line, DO NOT CROSS. Work, personal, and family life will still remain separated. In the end after all, there’s really no disguise. When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s just my being authentically ME. I have accepted being just that and I’m good.
Juan-Carlos
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I get it and understand AND am pretty much the same way….but I’m thinking why?
Why the purposeful seclusion and introversion? Do we just don’t feel like dealing with everything that comes with being an OUT masculine SGL man? Are we afraid of the associations and assumptions those on the outside would make?
Juan are you comfortable knowing that many think of you as being straight? Even if the non-PC / negative comment in confidence from a co-worker concerning gays was offensive why not provide any push back? Just curious
These are are excellent questions Ocky. I live my life currently somewhere between what Juan describes and kind of discreet. I don’t feel the need to let everyone know my personal business, but as the years go by I’ve gotten sick of the lies. The women at work who all want to know why I, a young man in my mid twenties with a job and decent personality, is single. The guys in my extended circle (my main circle pretty much all know I’m gay) all wonder why I don’t participate in picking up women when we’re out. The family begins to ask questions about my singleness…
Basically, after awhile the lying and misdirection of the questions posed upon me gets tiresome. As far as work, I’d like to think I’d rather remain in the closet to avoid unfair treatment by closet homophobe superiors. But in my personal life, I’ve inched closer and closer to that closet door. I’m not exactly an introvert, but I wouldn’t consider myself an extrovert either. I’m social enough to the point that I develop bonds with people over time and they just naturally become curious about certain avenues of my life. I’m kind of stuck between deciding on coming out or not.
The biggest issue I have is dealing with men (who aren’t aware of my sexuality) that proceed to make homophobic remarks in my presence and expect me to agree. I haven’t yet bucked back at the slurs/jokes, but it is annoying and it makes my blood boil. It’s to the point that I’ve often wished I was a more effeminate male so that people would just assume I was gay, taking away some of the pressure to address the issue every time somebody said something stupid to me.
To come out or not come out… this is always the question. All day. Every day. For the past 10 years of my life. I. Am. TIRED.
Man, that’s ALL about when YOU are ready. It took me until I was 31 to finally just say, fuck it! I pay my own bills! Who gives a fuck!? But the reality is, it’s all about a person getting to that point on their own time.
But def use this space to speak to other dudes about their experiences and insight. Use ur resources.
As for assholes who make homophobic remarks, you don’t have to be out to tell someone they’re being stupid. I can’t say ignorant, because everyone all ready knows it’s wrong to make fun of others. I was just in a van cab (nyc thing), n the driver is talking abt how ppl are getting crazy w same sex marriage and stuff, after a lady scolded him abt using the n word. I chimed in and said, ‘civil rights are civil rights man, black ppl have only had them for 50 yrs’. I was pleasantly surprised to hear the lady and the man and woman behind show their complete agreeance, w the guy, who was w his elementary school aged son and daughter, chiming in w the fact that kids in school sometimes have 2 moms or dads. And these ppl were all 50+. It was really nice to see him shut down by a van full of black ppl not supporting his bigotry.
I love how you said use your resources. Trust and believe that Cypher Avenue has been an amazing resources over the past 2 years or so.
I am glad that ignorant guy was shut down by all black people. We are moving forward as a people lol.
Surprisingly we are moving forward. Great story to hear. But thanks SB. I feel ready. I think I feel ready. I’m trying to tell myself to do it by the end of the year. We’ll see what happens though.
I’m just trying to make my “two faces in the mirror” as close to one face as I possibly can. It’s a journey I started a year ago and I’ve made great progress. The sexuality thing being the toughest. I started the coming out process May of ’13 with my close friends and it’s going pretty good so far. Truthfully, the only way I think people will come closer to understanding us is if we’re more visible. It takes a homophobe having a gay person close to them (family member, best friend, etc.) for them to truly start to open up to the idea of homosexuality. I can’t believe this to be true and stay in the closet at the same time.
So yeah… work in progress.
I still haven’t told my close friends yet. Only my twin bro (who’s also gay), a mentor that’s like a father figure and therapists. The next time we all are off from grad school, we will unite and I may just unveil that truth.
@lyriq88 you said it right. Kanye West stopped (for the most part I think) with the homophobic lyrics in his music when he had a cousin come out to him during a Christmas holiday during 2005-2006 (Late Registration LP period).
I pretty much follow the same persuasion as Senor Juan Carlos. I just began my first day of work today at a clinic as a medical scribe and all the people there talking about their personal lives. I had this one fine Latino-American man ask me if I was married today and I said no. Then he started talking to me about his girlfriend and I just really tried changing the subject to work-related stuff.
I will say that at times I feel good about not having my sexuality on the forefront but the other part of me wonders how I can live a fulfilling life while hiding that part of me so to speak. Maybe as I grow even more comfortable then I will have less fear expressing myself. There are things in the news and in documentaries (see: ‘This Is Life With Lisa Ling’ on CNN, the topic on “Gay Rodeo”) that make me feel like just finding a corner in a dark closet and staying there so no one will find me. But the truth is that I need to live more so nothing is stopping me now (outside the context of sexuality) so I am taking steps to be happier and get my life together.
It has truly been a journey but something tells me that 25 years old will be my “coming of age”. I’m gonna make a lot of changes.
Good for u! Don’t be afraid to live life man. U don’t wana wake up at 45 still ‘waiting for the right time’ for ________(whatever)
YEAH I know. I’m working on it.
I do appreciate that AF.I think that’s part of the beauty of the human experience. Everyone has a different walk. It’s not so much the path you take or how you get there or how long it takes for that matter . It’s celebrating when you finally arrive .
Thanks for the healthy feedback, fellas. Ocky, in answering your question, i am well with people assuming i am straight. i am not trying to pass and most importantly discrediting myself as a fraud. I am being myself. Also, i don’t allow negativity around me for that is a controllable factor. If someone says anything out of pocket I do speak up. It could be a teachable moment (that was for Nick) for sure. I am the type of guy to break up a fight and not be the one pulling out my phone to record it. WORLDSTAR! Being gay is part of the human condition. Equality and diversity should be encouraged. Most intelligent people will agree and support it. I’m my own best representative . I don’t feel that it’s selfish to be focused on me while being cognizant of what’s going on around me in my environment. It is environmental.
Hola Senor Juan Carlos,
But do you think that not being more open allows you to truly live a life that is open. For example, I assume that you do want to settle down one day. If and when that happens, how do you think you would handle the situation when the same guy is always around you then people start asking questions?
Sorry I don’t mean to be nosy or anything. Just trying to pick your brain and see things a bit from your perspective.
Hasta la vista! 🙂
That’s totally subjective i think. The type of man i am by natural characteristic and trait is that I’m very discreet in my personal life and low key generally. No one would ask about something they wouldnt know about or see. There is no shame. There’s extreme privacy. This could be ideal for a particular guy who holds that as equally as being important to him.
Oh ok yeah that’s true. I think you could find someone else who is private. I would like the same thing too. I am someone who is very low-key for the most part especially for the past few years since the latter half of my time in college. However, I do feel like while you are private that people do ask questions because for example for someone of my age (almost 25, #teamscorpio), people ask me if I have a girlfriend. They tell me that I need a God-fearing woman since they see a young, articulate and intelligent man that is heading for success in life in his career. Do you understand what I’m saying? Because at the end of the day, you will spend more time with people at the workplace and they will ask questions.
I do understand exactly what you are saying. Why feel a sense of obligation in indulging their questions especially those questions that are personal? People are curious by nature but only are fed what you give them. It is possible to live a drama free life for you are always in control. You control how you engage and how you choose to respond. I used to receive questions from prying coworkers about the special lady in my life and when will we start a family for i can’t let those good genes go to waste.SMH It’s not about being rude or elusive with your response. You just have to shut that shyt down so that you don’t encourage or invite more questions. You have the marker. Draw a line.
So bringing ur bf of 4 yrs to the company Xmas party isn’t an option? I just ask because Im wondering if you feel ur current outlook is relevant to being a single, discreet man. If u have a bf of quite some time, does it change anything? Assuming that ur single (I couldn’t remember if u mentioned that).
@juan-carlos I definitely see where you’re coming from. There are people str8 and gay who do keep their business to themselves and they don’t let others at work or outside of work know that they are together, that they are expecting a child, etc.
Then I do feel like @sb3000 as far as seeing it from the standpoint of being a single, discreet man. It’s like… how long can you hide it? I do feel like when your man is a regular then at least those who are THE CLOSEST to you should at least know. Do you know what I mean?
Hello SB the 13k. For me, yes.Not an option for it’s work related event. However, if so inclined i can throw an intimate set at my spot and have. I love the holidays. I am dating S.O.S. We are evenly yoked so no problems. I do have a strong hand (5 people) that knows. We are like minded and certainly trust each other as these friendships are 10+ years . My intention was not to portray myself as a classic closet case. I am very self aware.
Ok that’s a good thing!
Got it!
Thanks, guys.
Interesting and good for you. I like the idea that we as gay men (or single gender loving men) can have a full range of characteristics that give us layers beyond the typical out and proud gay man. I’ve never understood why it seemed like a bad thing if being gay wasn’t the center of a person’s world. Can we be writers and lawyers that are gay men, or do we have to be gay men that are writers and lawyers? Does it matter?
Each one of us has to take his (or her) own path. Although we may have certain aspects of our lives in common, it’s awesome that we all don’t try to walk in the exact same shoes. There’s room for all of us. The gay and proud and the low key. The one waving the gay flag and the one who supports from the comfort of his couch. We all grow and progress at our own rates.
There is no script. I hope that as we all eventually recognize and accept this. There Is No Script.
Juan, continue charting your own path and representing how you see fit. As out and proud as people would like us all to be, we all are built for what comes with being out and proud. Although it isn’t all bad, when you’re having the uncomfortable talk with your family, or co-workers, or church members, or that homophobic dude when you’re alone on a dark street, it will be just you enduring that battle. Just you.
Govern yourself accordingly, keep being you, and be completely ok with whatever that turns out to be.
Thanks guys
Of course we have to respect everyone’s personalities but we’re talking about visibility here, right? Ocky had said he is kind of an introvert but if he wouldn’t have put himself out of his comfort zone I don’t know if CA would exists. To me being out doesn’t mean wearing a rainbow necklace or bracelet wherever you go, to me it means just being comfortable with who you are in any given situation. I know it’s easer said than done but there’s a point when the closet not only works as a place to hide but as a jail.
Nice Article @Juan Carlos You gotta live your truth. I had the same fears about coming out. Now a days I usually casually mention it and slip it into a convo without having a complete sit down. And i guess it helps in my case that those straight guys who would have something idiotic to say usually hold their tounge when they realize that I am a muay thai fighter. haha No scared to throw a punch (or kick) haha.