REAL MEN DON’T CRY
The excessive display of emotion is a weakness. This may be one of the most controversial statements that I’ve ever written in an essay. The free and casual open displays of certain emotions such as Love, Sympathy, Compassion and Pain are perceived as a weakness to the masses of our society, whether justified or not. There’s a time and a place for everything.
Using a sports analogy, when a player exposes his vulnerabilities, he basically advertises the ways in which he can be targeted by present or future opponents. He also loses the confidence of his fellow players, which breaks morale. The same applies to manhood in general. In war, would you confidently follow the General that stoically displayed control or the General that emotionally displayed his fears of battle by openly weeping?
I’m not saying that men shouldn’t cry ever or under any circumstance. Be it when sharing a problem with a friend, an intimate moment with a lover or grieving the loss of someone to death, there is a time and place for everything. The only time I ever remember seeing my father cry was a memorable one. If he cried more than that one occasion, it was behind closed doors. He understood that the public perception of his composure and confidence was integral to his manhood and masculinity.
This philosophy on public displays of emotion by my father was passed on to me as well. The one time I cried in front of my entire family as an adult, it was at a funeral. I sobbed like a baby, mourning the sudden loss of a beloved cousin. The crying was so bad that my own mother had to console me in front of all those people. I knew what was happening and how it made me look but I just couldn’t stop the tears from falling.
Eventually I composed myself and regained my familial respect by delivering an equally passionate eulogy. To this day, many in my family both young and old look to me as a leader and inspiration for my actions on that day and many since then.
So it must be said that I’m not a dispassionate robot…I’m still just a human being so I do have emotional moments of sorrow, loneliness, hopelessness and sadness.
However, I was taught to be a man that places the energy that would otherwise be used on crying into something far more productive: Action. I was taught that crying changes nothing. Only action changes anything, giving you a reason to not need to cry in the first place.
Many elder African Americans view the integration of the races as the reason the black community in general is not as cohesive as it once was. No matter if one agrees with this view or not, the correlation is very strong and open to serious consideration. This brings us back to this new-age conditioning of men being more emotional and sensitive…Men acknowledging their feelings and expressing them publicly.
Research shows that nearly one in five men is in touch with their feminine side. What this creates is a slippery slope of men so free emotionally that they are now open to becoming the male “Beyoncé, Mary J Blige, Rihanna” diva worshipers we see today. Men eager to listen to the new R&B album from Brandy with a glass of wine and a box of tissues.
So what does that mean for the men (like myself) who are in the minority, who are immune to this conditioning and nostalgically remember when it was celebrated for men to just be men, flaws and all?
The way I was trained, by my previously mentioned masculine role models, was to get up when pushed down and to never back down. I get a lot of flak by peers for my conservative (and possibly antiquated) view of masculinity, but I refuse to keep silent about them.
I’m not a perfect person…and I’m not the toughest, most confident, masculine man a person will meet…but I definitely try to project traditional hyper-masculinity as much as possible that feels natural to me. This is the reason that I have a good number of people that I consider friends in my life. This is also the reason that I have a good number of enemies. I hold both as badges of honor because it shows me that there are people in my life that love me for the same reasons that others hate me.
Like many of the last remaining of my masculine counterparts, I stay the course…I continue to be an example for young men seeking role models to shape their developing minds and manhood. I recognize that when it comes to these young, impressionable masculine men (the future leaders of our communities) the quality of the strong within the few far outweighs the quantity of the weak within many.
– Nick D
This is a good article, Nick. Im surprised no one ever commented on it. I agree (kinda) with a lot of what you spoke on here. But in the end, I feel like no matter how many Drakes, movies that deteriorate masculinity, male Pop Diva Aficionados, or any other “MetroSexual” behavior that’s pushed by the media, it’s still up to the individual whether or not their weak-minded enough to fall for the hype. Not every dude is gonna be “Hyper Masculine”, and it’s nothing wrong with that. There’s room on this earth for all types of people. Maybe it’s just my hood/ environment/ people that I happen to be around, but I personally don’t see any significant decline of masculinity in “Real Life”, only within the media. LOL
Forgive me for commenting without having read most of this article. I really have no argument against what you said because you don’t argue much. You state your opinion based on your life and experiences, and I can’t say it’s right or wrong. But I can personally say I find this type of thinking potentially dangerous. Our emotional capacity, our ability to understand and reflect the emotions of others, is not only instinctual (if you dig those types of rationalizations) but also fundamentally necessary for human society. Furthermore, I would contended, as many philosophers, spiritual leaders, and political scientists would also contend, that greater empathy and compassion among humans is necessary to save ourselves from destroying ourselves and the planet (not to mention all the physiological health and immune benefits). Perhaps the logic of “never showing weakness” makes sense in a culture built on violence and conflict, but also limits any potential for change. I think it also seems like helpful tool for our male ancestors to survive 500+ years of brutalization. In this way a lack of empathy, compassion, and emotional freedom can been seen as a colonial legacy, and one that must be overcome for the liberation of black peoples (as many theorists of decolonization have also said), and the end of cultures of domination, oppression and violence as a whole. I usually don’t quote Gandhi (because of his castist views) but I do believe more and more we must be the change we want to see in the world.
This is all likely very moot, however.
As far as Drake v Tupac, you do remember “Dear Mama,” right? Nigga definitely had his emotional moments. He also wrote some very emotional (and beautiful) poetry that no one seems to remember.
You shared the link to this op-ed in a comment on another thread recently. I didn’t think it was this old when I clicked on the link. While I agree with you that hyper – masculinity is a desirable quality in men you failed to ever mention its negative attributes. In the GBQ context hyper – masculine guys are often the perpetrators of hate, verbal or worse, on “in between” and effeminate men. That is, their perceived “under-masculinity” is often taken as an excuse by hyper – masculine men to instigate such attacks. For example, think of the perpetrators and victims of rape in prison.