It wasn’t until I met a guy that recently broke up with his boyfriend that I discovered how widespread this sickness is in the Gay “community”. The guy had a terrible, distrustful relationship yet he was determined to make sure that he and his Ex remained close friends afterward. Seriously.One could say that it was a one-time occurrence but many men since then have done the same or tell me that they are still really good friends with the guy that used to poke them in the booty-hole repeatedly.”Why?” I would ask.”If you share that much and get that close to a person,” they would respond. “You shouldn’t just cut it off like it never happened.”
I would smile, nod my head and say to them, “That’s Bullshit.”
Think about it. Let’s say you are in a relationship with a person that you chill with, hang out with, eat with, drink with, laugh with, fight with, make up with, travel with and have sex with.
But then you break up…yet remain close friends.
So now you have a person that you chill with, hang out with, eat with, drink with, laugh with, fight with, make up with, travel with and DON’T have sex with.
In essence, you haven’t broken up. You both are the same person. Everything you initially liked about the person must still be there if you still want to have them in your life as a friend. So basically you have not separated.
Anyone who says otherwise is basically saying that Sex is the main thing that makes a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be cordial with that person after a split or deny their very existence. I’m merely saying that the obsession many men have with maintaining a close relationship with an Ex is unhealthy for the development of new intimate relationships.
This seems to mainly be a Gay thing (from what I can see).
Can you imagine your father going out to dinner with your mother and inviting his Ex-Girlfriends as well? Or how about an Ex-wife that he doesn’t have children with? Or can you imagine a man having long, telephone convos and texting with his Ex while his girlfriend is in the next room? Or can you imagine a man going on a trip to Jamaica with his Ex…even if he brought his current girlfriend along?
The (correct) answer is “No” to all of the above.
Heterosexual Ex friendships do occasionally happen however they are very rare.
“You’re just projecting your own insecurities, Nick.”
“But I don’t look at him like that anymore.”
“You are not mature or fully developed enough as a person to understand the complexities of relationships.”
Like I said before, this does not include remaining casual friends. A person you can say hello to if you see him in the mall…or a person you can call up for the name of that restaurant you went to that one time.
I’m referring to the men who want to remain so close of friends with their Ex that they are basically still dating. The so-called “best friend” who they also used to be in love and have sex with.
MY THEORIES
1. They’re still in love with them (even just a little)
Whatever it was that attracted them in the first place still remains and they don’t want to let it go. Rarely is a break up mutual. One person usually breaks up with the other. In many of these “Best Friend Ex” situations, one guy is deep-down hoping that the other will finally come to their senses and take them back.
2. The Sex was good
I have met a LOT of ex-boyfriend couples that became “best friends” and they still mess around from time to time… For a lot of guys, these situations are a back-up plan for loneliness and horniness…”Break Glass in Case of Emergency”…Its like borrowing a car, at least you already know what under his “hood.”
3. They want to keep tabs on the dude
What better way to spy/stalk your Ex than to become his best friend?
4. The Ex has something they have grown accustomed to (usually material possessions)
Be it money…or a fancy car…or the perks of a particular job…or free airline/hotel tickets for traveling to Miami… Many of these men feel that remaining close friends is the best way to continue to have occasional access to these benefits.
5. They’re just not good at making real friends in general
If the only close friends these men can acquire are men that have had sexual relationships with them, this is a problem. Your penis is NOT the key that unlocks true friendship. Conversely, its possible to have a close friend that has not seen (or tasted) your booty-hole.
Fellas, its achievable, trust me. I have several men in my life that I consider extremely close friends and they’ve managed to get to that status without any sexual contact. So give it a shot…Close that old chapter in the book of your life.
You don’t have to completely cut that Ex guy out but at least extend the leash out a lot more so that you will become open and available to new friends and new experiences.
– Nick D
Nick Delmacy
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LMAO! I’m gonna print this post frame it! I never understood this either? I still speak to my ex, but we’re not tight like that…I don’t need to know what he’s doing! However, I hope he’s doing well. I too have noticed this and have backed away from cats claiming…’we’re best friends’…<—really? Good post Nick. Love it.
For the most part I agree but, sorry, I cant agree with all of this. To say that you cant be friends with somebody you use to be in a relationship with and not be attracted to them is not true. I am very close to my former ex…No we didnt break up one day and was friends the next day. We broke up…parted ways and many many months later we started being cordial and years later we developed a very strong friendship. TRUST ME, in no way am I sexually attracted to this dude and that is not to say he is ugly.
To each his own…All I know is if a dude I was talking to told me he’s close friends with his last recent Ex, that would be the day I became his new recent Ex. LOL.
I agree @Ocky…what if yall truly had a lot in common but simply didn’t work out on the relationship tip. Granted I am not best friends with any of the guys I use to date (and I know that is what the post was mainly referring to), BUT if an ex and I happened to organically form a great friendship somehow after our romantic situation ended, why would I stop that?
Man I’m sorry but I can see and feel maturity, security and some trust issues. Counseling is not a bad word.. Oh and for the record, I totally disagree.! Surely there had to be something that you were attracted too before you slept with the guy. That being said, and that being true, was there ever any love there or was it just mad lust and then sex.. either way it goes, if it ends and its just over like that, then you 2 really didn’t take the opportunity to get to know each other in the first place..
This is a very interesting situation that you’ve presented. Thought provoking to say the least. You’ve made some very interesting, yet valid points. I understand your perspectives, but I dont necessarily agree with them.
Let me begin by saying that when we as individuals meet people that we want to date and/or be in a relationship with, we are taking a gamble. It’s a gamble because we dont know whether or not the relationship will or will not work. Why is this, you may ask? Because we are in the process of getting to know the individual we are seeing. In the “getting to know” process we are learning new and interesting things about the person we are dating that will ultimately determine whether or not we decide to pursue a relationship with this person, or terminate it. Sometimes this “getting to know” process will merge from the dating stage of the relationship, to the relationship stage of the relationship. By this time you’ve probably had sex with this person numerous times, had arguments and/or disagreements, and lived your time together with all of the ups and downs. But let’s say that during this getting to know process, while you are spending time with each other, having sex with each other, and hanging out with one another that one of you decides that this is not working for you, or both of you decide this. One person has become unattracted to you, which is a valid and possible scenario. You two decide to end the relationship as a result. Are you telling me that there is no way possible that the two can remain friends at some point??? If you said yes, then I think that’s bullshit… Both people have to be sexaully attracted to each other for the sex part to happen, and in this case the sex part no longer exists for at least one of the individuals involved. But even more so, the point that I am trying to make is that in the getting to know process, this process can end at any point, for any reason. And just because you break of with a person, and choose to remain friends with them does not mean that you want them or desire them in any way. I have had at least 12 relationships in my lifetime, and I am in no way attracted to any of my exes, even though I consider only 1 of them to be my best friend.
Although you make a valid point with comparing heterosexual relationships to homosexual relationships, I think that there is a different dynamic that exists between the two, and they cant be compared. When heterosexual couples terminate a relationship they have family and friend support that they can go to to openly discuss and move on from the relationship. Gay people do not have that same luxury. We dont have the support system, and we dont have society’s backing either. I am not saying that this is a reason to become friends with your exes, but its something to consider in the equation.
In conclusion, you date/enter a relationship to get to know someone. During that process you have the right to terminate that for any reason. Hence, why we call it the “getting to know process”. You may get to know something that you don’t like, that makes you not want to be involved with a person romantically, and/or spend the rest of your life with. This by no means that you cannot remain friends, respectfully, and enjoy the positive things about the person that you liked.
I do think ultimately, there needs to be a level of respect given to any relationship that involves the presence of someone from the past. The ex has to acknowledge and respect the feelings of the new partner, and a conversation needs to be had to address any concerns and/or insecurities that have surfaced as a result. Bottom line, trust, communcation, love and respect are ultimately what will keep your relationship together.
I’m sure there is a difference between dating and being in a relationship, and the author is talking about people who were in relationships. You date someone for a few months, you realize ur better off as friends, and you remain friends. That’s perfectly fine. But when you are with someone for years, and are officially recognized in your circles as a couple, and share a home and have experienced ups and downs together, that’s a real relationship. When it ends, it should end…OR…if you remain friends, don’t expect the next person interested in you to be ok with it. If the new love interest is ok with it, then they are probably creeping on YOU!
Ok so Im in this kind of situation now. I would say you missed one more detail on why people do this. So me and this guy went out for like 2 months and it was good until one day, i realized that this guy who tends to be a dick…was being a dick to me…so I broke up with him. Now I have friends who were dicks and its cool as long as they arent dicks to me. And when I called them a “dick” Im meaning a range of adjectives like selfish, being a jerk, rude, etc. Ok, so we broke up and I pushed for friendship because in my opinion, just because we arent in a relationship, why do we have to stop talking. Now I will never want a relationship with him and we have never had sex before the break up but quite a few times after..yea…2 horny guys in a room..just happened. IDK. I find it ok to do this as long as feelings dont get in the way but I see friends with benefits as being in a relationship so Im currently stopping the sex. Its really complicated sometimes but hes a great guy to talk to and chill with so why not be my friend….i just never want him to be my boyfriend. Whats wrong with that?
Well I’m not judging you Anthony but what you described is a big part of the problem. First off you say the guy tends to be an asshole, even to you…so why is his friendship so critical for you to maintain?! If a person is being a “dick” to me, he’s showing me that we’re not really friends at all. Secondly, If the spontaneous horny sex happened in the past, there is a chance it can happen again. The only reason you keep him around even when he’s being a “dick” to you is because you’re attracted to him, in more ways than just wanting to be “friends.” This was demonstrated in you having sex AFTER you broke up with him, which should have been the other way around. But hey, its your life. If I met you to date and you described your “friendship” with this guy to me, I’d see the writing on the wall, run away and not look back.
I know its unhealthy (the sex part) but like I’m young so I dont really care at the moment. Plus his personality is more complicated then that. Its just that he wasnt a good BF but he makes a good friend ie why we went back to being friends. Obviously I am attracted to him because we went out just not attracted enough to want him as my BF. A BF is way more then a friend to me and he wasnt at that level. We became way closer after we broke up which is odd and the sex was just sex…at least to me. And of course if i ever did get a BF the I wouldn’t interact with him as much…just would seems weird to. But you can judge its OK. 🙂
Anthony…WTF? At what age do you think this behavior by all involved would be acceptable? I think the only reason there was anything left because there was some unfinished business…yall hadnt fucked yet. This is a messy situation that can easily be simple. Leave him be and find somebody else to have sex with…
Haha that was kind of my issue when I decided to be friends with him. But yea the sex was good and now we back to being friends. Not really a messy situation though. Just different. Im fine with it. But I understand your opinion.
I have had this discussion with my friends numerous times…and I warn any guy that I see myself potentially dating that if we ever break up (particularly on bad terms) they never have to worry about contacting me again and the same applies vice versa. The only ex’s I am cordial with are the ones in which we departed on mutual agreement on good/semi-good terms. I mean what I say when I say cordial….no texting, calling, any of that extra shit. If I see you, I’ll say hello, hold a 5-15 minute conversation, and then be on my way. I always say if I left someone, it was for a reason….and if I continue to keep in constant contact with them I will be reminded, at some point, why we didn’t work out to begin with.
Its easier for me to get over someone if I cut them completely off….we can be friends years down the line, but not immediately afterwards.
I am very close friends with an EX of mine; however this happened after years of no contact. I say if you are able to healthly be friends, go for it…but if you know you and know what is best for your emotions to get over or deal with a situation…handle your business appropriately.
Thanks Tee for your feedback.
As many have already said, this article was both refreshing and honest!
I’ve always shook my head at the guys I’ve met with these lingering preoccupations with their EXs. In fact, the last guy I met sat on my sofa for 2hrs telling me about his last relationship. He told me of the trips to Nevada, the Mercedes Coupe, the frats, and all of this other superficial shit that didn’t amount to a pile of beans.
He also told me of how the guy HURT him in a way no one every had to ability to do. Yet he still had the niggah’s phone number in his cell, and they talked or texted every month.He justified the shit by saying they were now like “brothers” (**rolls eyes**).. I knew this new dude had the capacity to Love and both Feel and give Passion, but I also knew he was comparing everyone to his EX, and he still wasn’t quite over him..
I just can’t deal with those types any more. And the strange thing is, the hotter the guy is, the more likely he’ll have all of these “ambiguous” gay friendships, with EXs, Frat brothers, Gym partners, and Co-workers..*sigh*
Being Gay can literally fuck with your mental at times lol..
Well man…we all have our issues and like a lot of us when it comes to sex and relationships…we got issues. Many folk don’t know how to let go and I have said it before…one man can make men hate all men.
THE GAY FRIEND DELUSION Part One: “Friends With Exes”
10/02/2011
20 Comments
In the four to five years that I’ve seriously started meeting gay/bisexual men for more than just casual sex, I’ve discovered one main commonality amongst them. They’ve all, and I mean all of them, had a false sense of what it means to acquire, have and to be a friend.
So now that I have a platform (this website), I will dig into this issue in a series of posts covering its various dynamics and hypocrisies. As always, this is just my opinion. Some of this bullshit I comment on may actually work for some people, more power to you. These posts will just be from the perspective of one guy with tons of common sense. Let’s begin.
FRIENDS WITH EXES
It wasn’t until I met a guy that recently broke up with his boyfriend that I discovered how widespread this sickness is in the Gay “community”. The guy had a terrible, distrustful relationship yet he was determined to make sure that he and his Ex remained close friends afterward. Seriously.
One could say that it was a one-time occurrence but many men since then have done the same or tell me that they are still really good friends with the guy that used to poke them in the booty-hole repeatedly.
“Why?” I would ask.
“If you share that much and get that close to a person,” they would respond. “You shouldn’t just cut it off like it never happened.”
I would smile, nod my head and say to them, “That’s Bullshit.”
Read the reason why, After the Crossover.
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Think about it. Let’s say you are in a relationship with a person that you chill with, hang out with, eat with, drink with, laugh with, fight with, make up with, travel with and have sex with.
But then you break up…yet remain close friends.
So now you have a person that you chill with, hang out with, eat with, drink with, laugh with, fight with, make up with, travel with and DON’T have sex with.
In essence, you haven’t broken up. You both are the same person. Everything you initially liked about the person must still be there if you still want to have them in your life as a friend. So basically you have not separated.
Anyone who says otherwise is basically saying that Sex is the main thing that makes a relationship.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t be cordial with that person after a split or deny their very existence. I’m merely saying that the obsession many men have with maintaining a close relationship with an Ex is unhealthy for the development of new intimate relationships.
This seems to mainly be a Gay thing (from what I can see).
Can you imagine your father going out to dinner with your mother and inviting his Ex-Girlfriends as well? Or how about an Ex-wife that he doesn’t have children with? Or can you imagine a man having long, telephone convos and texting with his Ex while his girlfriend is in the next room? Or can you imagine a man going on a trip to Jamaica with his Ex…even if he brought his current girlfriend along?
The (correct) answer is “No” to all of the above.
Heterosexual Ex friendships do occasionally happen however they are very rare.
“You’re just projecting your own insecurities, Nick.”
Nope. I’m not the one with the problem. But even if there were a hint of jealousy or insecurity involved…Can it be blamed? This is a person that you’ve seen naked and had sex with. This is a person that you’ve shared intimate moments with. This is a person you were in love with (and possibly still have a bit of love for to this day). On a lonely Saturday night, you’re just three Patron shots away from temporarily forgetting why you broke up with him in the first place. Alcohol has created many “friends with benefits” arrangements.
“But I don’t look at him like that anymore.”
Sigh. So the fact that you no longer share the “boyfriend” title magically makes your wee-wee not twitch for the guy anymore? Bullshit…
“You are not mature or fully developed enough as a person to understand the complexities of relationships.”
Get the fuck outta here with all that. This is the response of a person using uninformed psychology in an attempt to justify his own behavior. If with over 6.5 billion people in the world, your best friend must also be your Ex-Boyfriend…You’ve got bigger issues than this website can tackle.
Like I said before, this does not include remaining casual friends. A person you can say hello to if you see him in the mall…or a person you can call up for the name of that restaurant you went to that one time.
I’m referring to the men who want to remain so close of friends with their Ex that they are basically still dating. The so-called “best friend” who they also used to be in love and have sex with.
MY THEORIES
Here’s what I’ve deduced about the men who go out of their way to remain friends after a break-up:
1. They’re still in love with them (even just a…
I’m friends with my ex . My ex cheated on me and we broke up. And was still friends. That was 15 years ago. Now he’s living with me. He was really out there. He contracted HIV and was homeless. We don’t have sex. I’ve tried to teach him a new way of living, but it not working. He will be moving this year. The thing is I promise myself I would never take care of an ex-friend if he became ill. My rule is let the guys you been have sex with take of you! When he was homeless, none of the guys he had sex with wouldn’t take him in. He’s getting his own place this year. And he’s falling back in the same pattern. So you be the judge! Being friends with an ex lover do have it’s bad points. Because it makes you feel like you are being used!
I’m friends with my ex and his new boyfriend. When we split it was mutual we decided we would make better friends than lovers. He moved in with me about a year after the split. We have not had sex since the split his ex even lived with us for a bit. We have spades games and parties occasionally. I recently went to his moms bday party she knew of me and talked to me alot and requested I be at her party. His bfriend and i get along great there is no drama. It’s pretty much an every situation does not work fork everyone thing. We don’t get anything from each other than a great friendship. No money, favors, rides, or anything like that. We hang out, talk, and cookout. There is no sexual tension or feeling of we missed out something. I like the fact that we are friends. My previous ex can’ t have the same relationship. He was a user and i spotted that from jump after the split when he asked me to pay his cell bill which i refused.
Great post Nick- loved it and you hit the nail on the head. Grant you the same bullshit happens on the ‘other’ side as well. Bottom line is – you are dealing with people whose weakness cannot allow them to let go so they create all the excuses to justify the connection. Exes are just that- EXES! now if there are benefits then so be it- someone is not being faithful and on track to creating ANOTHER Ex with his present lover because it will come out all too soon. You cant hide love. In human relationships kindness and lies are worth a thousand truths! Great post. Can’t wait for the second installment.
For many gay men, after a breakup the ex becomes like FAMILY. Not really friends, not best friends, much deeper than that. The love may still exist but the path / needs are different. The ex’s position in your life changes – its not as close, but there’s no need to jettison the care. If everybody is mature about this you understand that your ex holds a meaningful place in your life that is NOT a partner. About once a month I have dinner with my ex and he’s invited to birthday’s and parties with his new partner. It’s no big deal.
Maybe this doesn’t work for the author. But that doesn’t make it “sick” or “wrong.”
I find it interesting and telling that this dichotomy proliferates in the gay community but not in the straight community. In the straight community unless there are children involved ex’s stay ex’s and don’t become besties or FAMILY.
Agreed. It is telling. Perhaps gays are pointing the way toward a broader more inclusive sense of family.
“Perhaps gays are pointing the way toward a broader more inclusive sense of family.”
…that seems to be based on and within sexuality and past sexual experiences. Sorry but I still think there is something unsettling about this mindset of gay men. 99% of all your friends are past sexual partners…really?
This reminds me of something that happen to me about a month ago.
A potential friend of mine invited me to a house party,he assured me that I would like the crowd so I was like fuk it why not go. I walk into the party and silence fills the room. I felt uncomfortable as hell! About 20 minutes into it, a very drunk guy comes up to me and introduces himself and starts talking to me. As we were talking, I told him I only knew one person in the party, He comments ” people were talking about you as soon as you walked in, nobody really knows who you are, and your one of the few people in here who we know hasn’t had sex with somebody else in this room”. I laughed at his drunk ass but inside I was SMDH.
I think a big reason this happens is because the black gay community is small. That same reason is why I am hesitant and I take my time with folks, and don’t go right into lickin, stickin, and suckin just because I meet a dude.
I have had similar experiences. Well the new reports state that over 1 million blacks identify as LGBT. I’m sure the number is larger but at any rate does this really mean the community is small?
I dont think 1million is a lot of people, considering the amount of people in the US. But from a social aspect, I think the black gay community is small. Then when you get into specific areas/cities it becomes smaller as well. I am sure if a black gay male has lived in ATL the majority of his gay life he will probably know more black gay men in ATL as opposed to Cali or NYC.
Huh? 99% of my friends are not exes – not sure where you got that or how this is a big deal. I’m friends with one of my exes from long ago. No drama, case closed.
Thank you for closing your case. Which means the conversation can continue without your input.
I think it depends. Breaking up with someone doesn’t automatically mean you hate them. I used to date a dude and it was only about 2 months. Due to various reasons we just weren’t going to make it in a relationship. Doesn’t mean we think each other is a jerk. So yes, we remained friends and we don’t do none of that. Also, we were going to have to see each other all the time anyway seeing as how we had the same social circle.
I went to a party that a girl I’d been dating had thrown. There were several people at the party that previously she’d dated. At least three of them she’d had sex with. I couldn’t really wrap my head around her paradigm. There was a part of that evening that made me feel like I was part of some weird human menagerie. We eventually stopped dating. Though it wasn’t the main reason, that definitely factored into it.
I’ve never developed friendships with any of my EXs, male or female. I inherently understood the potential for that to impede my future relationships.
There was an ex of mine that I truly loved. The relationship failed after a year or so. We stayed friends and spent a lot of time together. The sex continued…eventually. It was great. NOT. Ok, for awhile it was great. It ain’t nothin like being with someone who knows when, where, how and for how long. Then, new relationships began. He was crazy with his other dudes. I didn’t even recognize his behavior but witnessed it with different eyes. A mess. And we were still having sex while he was in these relationships. I rationalized my participation by saying, “they stupid.” Then I realized, maybe I’m stupid. This isn’t friendship. This is “not letting go.” So, I let it go. I speak to most of my exes to this day. It’s good to know they are living well, their families are well and that life is good. I don’t believe love ever goes away once it creeps in. I also don’t believe in sacrificing my sanity or integrity over some bullsh*t by staying active in their lives. And no, I do not trust dudes who remain close to their exes. I can’t compete with that. I won’t try. Dueces to all that.
Ever wondered why so many gay men have so many ex’s to begin with? That is the elephant in the room. Why is it that gay men do not have long term monogamous relationships? Do these purported “relationships” have substance, or were they relationships of convenience whereby the parties could have a stable sex piece while still running around doing their thing with other men which was/is the reason for the break-up anyhow? Were they really an “item?” Or were they faking the funk and putting on a show to make the naive think they were seriously committed? I’ve been in the company of so many pretentious fags that the mere smell of infidelity will preclude me from any further conversation. With AIDS still being the #1 killer for Black Gay men, and possibly, even, Black men in general, why is sex not engaged until you are with someone you can be seriously committed to having a genuine relationship. Fucking is passe’ and love has been put on the curb. Promiscuous men are really a turn off, and they should be called out for what they are – whores. And if you are staying in a relationship as a “friend” or just hanging on for the “benefits” then you are nothing more than a prostitute and possibly a tramp. End of story. Black men really need to get their shit together. It’s pathetic. I just can’t do “gay” anymore – I am something other… I don’t wish to be associated with trifling bs like this. It is insanity. There isn’t a more pleasant way to say this.
Take a breather man. I agree w the questioning of how 24 yr olds have 7 exes, but at the end of the day, ppl are products of their environments. If we (ppl who want to see younger guys make better decisions) arent out here, and all they have are messy club kids as examples…ijs.
I just know that it’s sad when you have these kids thinking that 2 months of hookin up and clubbin together was a relationship.
And it’s not just kids, I was prob 27 when I met a guy who was 36, and a rly great package on paper. We hung out at his place 2x, had sex 1x, and then, when he couldn’t get a hold of me one day when I was out w college friends, tried to spazz on me! Negro, u almost 40 thinkin we a couple? Come to find out, at 37, his longest ‘relationship’ was 2.5 months.
Men don’t know how to “date.”
“Date” needs to be defined so that all parties involved know what it means to each other. Some men think that one or two dates and casual sex means ‘we’s marriedt naw!’ While to others, it was just two dates and casual sex with “Mark” and I’ll be going out to dinner with “Rick” tomorrow and then to the game with “Steve” this Saturday night; all the while not being committed to either until they figure out which one they like best and want to have a committed, monogamous relationship with.
This would help in determining if someone is a boyfriend or just someone they are dating exclusively.
Couldn’t agree more. Ppl dont realize that dating is healthy. The minute mofos meet 1 dude they like, they’re all in, instead of pacing themselves and remembering that dude is still a stranger.
There are so many requirements and gauntlets to pass through that I have actually can understand the All In dating mentality.
Top bottom verse, 15% body fat or less, bubble butt or flat, 7 inches or more, cut uncut, light or dark, age range, and etc.
Once people finally find their needle in the haystack, they are ready to stuck a flag down and claim ownership.
But I feel like if ur really looking to ‘date’, and get to know someone w the intent of a relationship outcome, all of that shit flies out the window. Those are hookup stats. Any gay man who meets an awesome guy and passes him up becus he ALSO wants to use his dick, or is uncut, is a flat out FOOL! Hookup searches and dating searches are 2 TOTALLY diff things.
It’s like, if we all give up, where does that leave us? It leaves us all sitting and complaining instead of trying to find love.
As someone who has all str8 friends, they’re practically all married w fams now. Why should I, being a damn good catch myself, be the single gay friend in the crew forever? Fuck that, we’re giving up too easily!
Look at @ocky for further example!
I used those for sarcasm.
I have met and dated people before the age of Hook Up Apps. However there’s a hard dependency on them across the board I think these days.
I think gay men have gotten so used to using them that they don’t know how to meet people without them and they have unrealistic expectations because everything has to be Just So. I have seen straight black men dial back many of their requirements when it comes to ladies. However black females, especially those with degrees, have a magna Carta of requirements and specifications. Gay men may have a cliff notes of requirements but they still have them. It’s good to have goals but not to be orthodox with them.
Everyone won’t fit into our perfect little box. It will be okay if they don’t. But to dismiss people over the minor things that’s crazy.
Back to the point about dating I just feel like when we stake a claim because we finally meet someone who may hit all the bullet points what’s the point if they treat you like shit, don’t respect you, or have no depth to them?
You have just met this person. Y’all don’t know each other. We need to take time to get to know who we are dealing with. We need to have the conversation and actually bring it up: “I’m interested in you exclusively.”
The answer doesn’t have to be immediate. Let it sit in there for a while and give each other time to “clear the slate” if needed with other people. If it’s no, that’s cool. now you know where you…
Ditto! It’s dating vs hooking up.
I’ve even tried match n other sites, n it’s crazy to see how most of the guys hitting u up are 45+, and now FINALLY looking for something more. You have to be ‘gay’ old (40+) when the 6 pack might be gone and u have a few gray hairs, n basically, the ‘young hotties’ are no longer checking for you, before u finally want sum1 who actually wants u for u. That’s sad.
Lots of things factor into that. Sometimes these are the guys that got into the game late and it took them a while to get comfortable with themselves to the point that they saw an actual relationship as a possibility for them. Some of them may have been in long term relationships that didn’t work out. So many variables.
True, there are a lot of different factors to be considered. However, there’s still something to be said about the number of older men who hit me up vs my peers.
Dating is healthy. I couldn’t agree more. But like you said, a lot of dudes don’t know what that entails when it comes to other men. We’re so accustomed to fast tracking everything. 9 times out of 10, if it doesn’t end up in someone going back to the crib to f*ck, then dudes move on. And we wonder why we end up pushing 50 and still single. The fast food mentality has to stop at some point. That’s why I deaded all my online hook up accounts. Because I’m bi, I’ve gone out on lots of dates with women. Even though the modalities are different between dating men vs dating women, the end result is the same: learning more about a person to determine if there’s long term potential.
But I guess the question is how many dudes are actually looking for long term relationships.
First, I think we need to drop the stigma with being ‘old gay spinsters’ looking for love at 50+.
Ny last relationship lasted 6+ years so my standards and expectations for the next one are pretty high. Before that, I had two that lasted at least over 18 months.
I learned a lot about myself and how to deal with someone else. Even though we didn’t work out, I’m still hopeful I’ll find someone eventually but I’m not on the market now.
That being said, I think if men have the mentality of quantity over quality, then hook up mentality will continue. I mean, it’s not anything new. Gay men have been hooking up well before geolocation apps (bath houses, YMCAs, public parks). However what has changed is the ease in hooking up but also the acceptance of gays in the US and abroad (well, some abroad places). It’s better but not 1:1 with heterosexual relationships. So, we don’t HAVE to hook up just to get a nut and then go back to our wives or girlfriends or what have you. We could, if we wanted, try to establish a firm and solid relationship with one person and screw their brains out. And let me tell you, that’s the BEST SEX when you are not worried about impressing someone or holding back because you don’t want to look like a slut.
I don’t hook up because I don’t want to settle. It may mean me being single for a long time but I’m okay with that because I feel it’s a waste of time dealing with guys who do not know how to date another guy.
I’m pretty much on the same page as you COSHAMO. That’s why I’ve taken a backseat to the whole “Dating Game” and completely eliminated hook ups out of my life. No apps, no hook up sites, none of that BS. I don’t understand dudes today, anymore. I don’t know what changed or where, but I’m not with it anymore.
To SB3000’s point, it’s not even JUST the young dudes. There’s old kats (and I mean OLD kats 50+yo, I know a few) out there with this same “teenage” mentality. And just FYI, it’s not just black dudes, it’s black AND latino dudes permeated with this new age, “15 Minute Relationship” “Reality TV Drama Ho” mentality for the most part. I’m sure white dudes (and other) have the same issues, but I’ve always felt white guys were a little “looser” anyway so, I’m not focusing on them. LOL
Call me crazy, but I feel like ur giving up too easily man. See my comment above…
Im not giving up, Bro. Just fallin back and focusin on other things that bring me enjoyment, hats all. LOL I can still observe the current situation, however.
All I’m saying is if there are no good men out there than what does that make you?
Preach! You and Prince keep me keepin on…
Never said there were “no good dudes left”, just said we’re harder to pick out because most are fed up with the bullshit. That’s all. And no disrespect at all my dude, so please don’t take this some kinda way, but it is a lot easier to view the whole dating situation in a more “positive” light when you happen to be one of the few lucky enough to end up hitched with a good dude.
No offense taken at all…but I also dated a lot of good men before I dated and ended up in a relationship with this good dude. Who doesn’t deal with BS and hookups in this lifestyle? Coming across busters, losers or just foul ass men is not unique or unusual. Its a part of dating and YES it can get tiresome and frustrating…I know.
You run into a lot of frogs before you find a prince but you don’t have to kiss the frogs. lol
I think it’s frustrating in that gay men have to put in exponentially more effort for a good relationship than our straight contemporaries.
U hit the nail on the head w that one. All of my str8 friends are in committed relationships. Black gay men are just way too jaded way too early. Like, how are u 23, n ‘over these nigas’? Or 33?
It just blows my mind to see all of these guys who make so much sense in their comments and opinions on here be ‘over it’.
Like @nick n @ocky are always saying, get off the laptop n get the fuck outside!
Interesting…I use to agree that its so much harder to date and be in a relationship as a gay black man…then I sat back and realized that alot of my str8 friends struggle with dating and relationships also or are in relationship situations that I personally do not envy. Maybe its bc my friend group is mid-late 20s (I’m sure that has alot to do with it) but I’ve stopped having such a bleak outlook on dating in this “world” and have learned that its what you make it. I do agree with the gay men being jaded piece…everyone gets screwed over or has the heart broken at some point in dating (most of us have probably messed up a relationship situation ourselves if we are completely honest). However, if someone keeps attracting triflin dudes, its not those dudes or the gay “lifestyle” in general that is the problem…
Well I tell people all the time: You have to take a look at yourself and what YOU are doing wrong.
Are you doing trifling stuff?
Are you meeting guys and just hooking up?
Are you being too strict with you “Must Have List?”
I mean, I know we all think we are perfect but sometimes, we have to check ourselves and take a hard look at what we maybe doing that’s contributing to our unhappiness.
I agree 100% with all this, Controlled…For me, I’ve accepted long ago that I’m far from perfect. I have a few flaws, physical and psychological, that I’m working on little by little. I will say though, that while I don’t have a laundry list of requirements (my tastes vary so much from person to person that it wouldn’t make sense to have one) I am really short of patience and easily turned off by little shit that people do. I can’t say that has been what attracted the frogs I’ve dealt with, but it’s certainly pushed away some probably good dudes.
Another thing some of us with “dating issues” do tend to overlook (myself included) that a lot of yous have hit on over and over again, is the puttin’ yourself out there part. I’ve only really dealt with about 10 dudes hardcore in 18yrs; 4 relationships (3 of those bad), 2 dudes that I know I pushed away for (kinda)stupid reasons, 2 fuck buddies, and 2 that I knew weren’t gonna work out but took the ride anyways; then that’s probably not really a lot of experience to base my argument off of. LOL
I can say honestly. I’ve met VERY few dudes from online sites. Apparently Im not that photogenic so I never got hit up much (unless it was an old white/ asian dude, or someone really just not my type.) My frogs have all just about all been from face to face meets. LOL But to all of yous’ points, it does take time. But theres also nothing wrong with taken a break. SB3000, I dont understand the 20-25yo (hell , even up to 30yo) being… “ovuh these nikkaz, huney. I jus keeyent with them”, unless they been gettin’ it in since their teens. but once you hit you 30’s, I think most of us have had enough legitimate experience by then to kinda be tired of games and BS. LOL If not, then a person either don’t have that much experience, or they’re just the most positive, wide eyed, hopeless romantic (and there’s nothing wrong with that) LOL.
Eventho, I could remove myself from all the dating drama if @nick would stop playing n act right lol
Not to nitpick but the number one killer of black men generally between the ages of 15-34 is homicide…heart disease for those in middle age…not saying HIV isn’t an issue…
And thanks @ocky I couldn’t agree more with that statement/question! What makes someone a “good dude” anyway, bc they stay at home and choose to have no sex life? I’m not saying that is a bad thing but I think there is a little more to it than that.
Nick thank you for your post. I agree and I think many gay men in general lack insight when it comes to healthy boundaries – either taking something too far, or on the receiving end, letting the another plow through them because they don’t have the skills to be be assertive. Co-dependency, fear of missing out, being alone, difficulty with endings, “alternative facts”, dishonesty and narcissism are pervasive. We all learn to lie and lie well early on out of self preservation and safety. Not only to others but to ourselves. Growing up with few role models of healthy relationships, gay or straight, and boundaries in the gay community seems to perpetuate and reinforce these “ideals” and anyone who tries to break free from these ideas of “how things should be” will be attacked and deemed to have the problem. You’re on the money or right path with your view.
I actually went looking for information on this subject due to absolute frustration. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for 10 years. Due to our professions, it’s not possible to be together. We both live on opposite sides of Atlanta and the distance is very difficult (1.5 hours). Yesterday was his birthday and we were unable to meet due to the fact that I care for my elderly, ill Mother (after recently losing my Father). It’s a full time job. I recently opened a business that requires my full attention. My “partner” and I met shortly after the end of my 26 year relationship with an abusive alcoholic. I ended it and threw him out after years and years of trying to make it work. In my current relationship, I should mention we were 46 and 49 when we met, now 57 and 60. It was sexually charged when we met and fun, developing quickly into, what I thought was a mutually caring relationship. He sold his home and moved in with me for a year, it was temporary and we both understood that when he found a home, he would resume residence on the east side of the city to continue in his business. He had an accident shortly after we met (about 2 months into the relationship), and was seriously injured, spending 18 days in the hospital and enduring an eight hour surgery. I was there. Upon discharge, he phoned his ex to take him home. I was angry about that, but decided to overlook it. They lived in the same neighborhood, I wrote it off to “friends.” After he moved in with me (temporarily for that year), I truly enjoyed it and was devastated when he had to move. It seemed like a sneaky move. He bought the house and informed me just a few days prior to closing that the move was imminent. He moved another half hour away. He continues to remain “friends” with a few of his ex-lovers, explaining that he doesn’t understand why I can’t accept that there is nothing to it. He has a few gay friends, with whom, he explains, that he’s never been intimate with, that I STILL don’t understand. He has made no attempt in the last two years to initiate any intimacy with me, (explaining that he’s just got a lot going on; a lot on his mind), I get it. I do too. A LOT. My ability to move about the city freely is greatly restricted to do my familial circumstances, but it surely doesn’t mean that I want it that way. Last night, he was evasive with whom he had dinner with, on his birthday. As bad as I wanted to be there, I just couldn’t. He states that he doesn’t know what I want, since I once told him that I would like to move away and live in the woods, get away from the city and people in general. This is just a dream, nothing concrete. I didn’t want to bring all this up on the telephone on his birthday, but it got blown out of proportion when I blatantly asked “have you been intimate with anyone? and the answer was “not recently.” Eventually I found out that “recently” meant, since we’ve been together, but it hurt me. I’m not a dramatic kind of guy. I’m just blatantly honest. I always say whatever enters my head. I always get it out there and say exactly what I’m thinking. Right now, I’m so damned confused. I just can’t handle the “friends/ex” situation. If we were to have friends that we met together, maybe another couple we enjoyed having a friendship with, that would be just fine, but I’m getting the impression that it may never happen. All that said, yes, I have an issue with jealousy, but it goes much further than that. This seems very deceptive and unexpected. He’s the nicest, kindest person I’ve ever known in my life. I don’t know if I should just chalk it up to that, or get a clue and move on. Can someone PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me if this scenario sounds like something you’ve had to deal with? I could really use some help. I appreciate any honest feedback you can offer.