As I sat at the kitchen table listening to my grandmother and her friend Melinda discussing a neighbor’s jail house sexual encounter, my young preteen mouth blurted out “I’m confused, so why is he not gay?”
See after a lengthy prison bid, Steve had been out of jail for a couple of weeks and during a drunken conversation with Melinda’s brother, Steve confessed to having sex with another inmate. But according to Steve “I got some head and f–ked the dude. I didn’t get f–ked.”
So as Melinda was relaying the story back to my grandmother, they were both in agreement… Now that Steve was a free man and back with his girlfriend, his manhood was still intact because he did not get penetrated. I blurted out “I’m confused, so why is he not gay?”
As my grandmother explained to me, “Steve was the one acting as the male and the other man getting screwed was the female, so therefore Steve was not funny. If Steve had been the one getting screwed, he would then be a punk.”
The message and perception was clear when it came to homosexual sex…F–king a man is okay, getting F–ked by a man is not okay. Top good – Bottom bad.
Since being in this lifestyle I have heard so many derogatory comments about bottom men.
Some masculine homosexual and bisexual men have absorbed and re-enforced this negative idea especially in the black homosexual community.
I have witnessed and heard the term “bottom” being hurled at another gay man as an insult and to make him feel less than. I have heard the reply “I don’t get f–ked” and “I aint letting no man f–k me” being used with a tone of nasty disgust.
Why do some put bottom men lesser on the totem pole of gay culture than top men? I find with some there is a coveted “top” badge that is worn as if to say…”I may be gay but at least I am not a bottom”.
Some heterosexual men demean and degrade women and you have some homosexual and bisexual men that mirror their actions by demeaning and degrading bottom men.
Gay culture and society in many ways is no different than general society as a whole. Gay people are still people of course and many of us are bigoted, racists, jerks, bullies and assholes. Some insecure mean people, go out of our way to judge and tear others down to build themselves up and many gay people or no different.
I find the negativity and stigma surrounding bottoms is somewhat of a historical one. Throughout
We all know that male sexual assault and rape is a problem in our jail and prison institutions. Of course this is very traumatizing to one having his “manhood” taken away and being made the subservient “bitch” or “boy”.
Unfortunately this has been and currently is a part of our world history and I feel this plays a big part into why some negativity and stigma focuses on a male acting in a “bottom” position. As if to say “what man would willingly be emasculated and voluntarily have his manhood took?”
Let me digress for a minute… I remember looking at porn movies starring Bobby Blake years ago. I remember how he was rough with the guys he would penetrate and how he would call them “bitches” and “punks” as he was performing. Now I know rough sex can be hot at times but I remember thinking “why would anyone find it sexy and appealing to be called a bitch or a punk while Being f–ked?” I used to wonder did anyone else think this was degrading and a turn off besides me…but anyway…
I am not naive as to think the negative stigma of being a bottom in black gay male culture will completely go away. I know we can’t all live in peace and homosexual harmony but when it comes to demeaning and attempting to shame someone due to a sexual position or preference…I think that is just lame. I personally don’t think no masculine man that is secure with himself would do this. I mean why would you insult and possibly sabotage getting a good piece of ass? LOL
When it comes to gay anal intercourse, we have tops, bottoms and the ones in between who are versatile. Let’s be real…Somebody is getting f–ked. No one is less then or better than the other…we all are equal in the bedroom. Bottom men are our brothers too. Wake up people.
Tell us what you think. Feel free to leave your comments.
-Octavius
OckyDub
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I totally agree. It takes two to tango. I will agree that because if his circumstances, the guy who needed another guy to fulfill sexual desires, BUT didn’t continue to do so isn’t gay. He was making the best of what he had. Same goes for bottoms who resort to male/male sex under those conditions.
But I wonder, are there males go completely go without sex while they are in jail? 10…15…20 years without sex? If there are, then I would change my story. I’m under the impression that all dudes relieve themselves with other guys in jail.
Any input?
Hmmm…well I come from the school of thought that if you are heterosexual you are only attracted to those of the opposite sex. If there is any chance that you will have any type of consensual sexual contact with someone of the same sex…regardless of your environment and circumstances…then you are at least bi-sexual.
As you noted, general society does look down on any man who bottoms as being the “female” and non-masculine in a sexual act. It’s all about how general society considers a man’s place in the world to be in terms of the PERCEPTION of masculinity, machismo, male dominance, and control. These same ignorant people would never assume the possibility that the situation could be the exact opposite or that either of two men could possibly be sexually versatile. In the Black community (and the same is true in the Italian, Latino, and Hispanic communities, I’m sure), machismo and the APPEARANCE of machismo is of utmost importance. Men in these particular ethnic groups are never, ever suppose – nor are they expected – to show any sign of being less than a man; to do so is considered a sign of weakness. Females in these particular ethnic groups are considered to be the “gentler, submissive, and weaker sex” and, for the most part, have always been considered a gender of servitude and dominance. While saying this may sound a bit misogynistic (and I don’t mean to be!), it is reality. For a man to be “fucked in the butt like a bitch” or even ALLOWING such to happen to him, means (in these groups) that that man has been – and will always be considered – less of a man, if not figuratively emasculated. No “real man” wants to be thought of as being anything less than a man which is one of the reasons why many don’t openly admit to preferring, enjoying or having been forcibly anally penetrated (either by another man or a woman) or to being versatile in the homo sex act. It is also one of the reasons why [straight] men who are fucked in prison keep it a deep, dark secret. Prison is one environment where a [straight] man does not ever want to be thought of as being a “punk” less he becomes a sexual target leading to possible rape(s). In prison, a man has to come off as being sexually aggressive and NEVER sexually submissive (unless of course, he prefers that.) Basically, it all comes down to an issue of PUBLIC perception of a man’s masculinity and machismo and of perceived dominance and control, as I stated earlier. The thinking of the ignorant has been and, for the foreseeable future will continue to be this: any man, who is sexually topping another man – or woman, will always be considered to be the dominant and controlling figure, while the opposite will be considered true for whoever is beneath receiving a hard penis. It is also about a man’s PERSONAL COMFORT with his own body and sexuality! The same thinking goes for oral sex, too. Society has yet to fully accept the idea that a man whose dick is in another man’s mouth could possibly like the pleasure of taking a dick in his own mouth. Any man – be he straight or gay, who enjoys anal (or oral) penetration does NOT necessarily mean that he thinks of himself as being “female”. A man in tuned with his body, (something he usually gets from hours to years of masturbatory experiences) knows the PLEASURE received from playing with his own anus (if included in his masturbation sessions) can bring him. While I don’t need to elaborate on this, it is important to point out that many men who’ve inserted things in their asses while jerking off or having things inserted in their ass during sex play with someone, did not necessarily have the thinking that they were playing the roles of “female” or submissiveness! And here’s another important side note for all you “straight” readers: it is NOT TRUE that EVERY gay or bisexual man LIKES, PREFERS, or even ENJOYS anal sex/anal penetration! With all this said (and forgive my lengthy response), here are TWO other facts general society needs to accept: (1) anal sex is NOT a bad thing (when done right and safely) and (2) anal (or oral) penetration – whether it be permissive or forced – does not rob a man of any natural masculinity. Men, as well as and women, have certain sexual pleasures that they want and have a right to enjoy to the fullest. The negative stigmas of being a “bottom” needs to be done away with, general society needs to stay out of the bedroom of others, and men, especially those seen and perceived to be masculine or macho, need to be able to sexually and responsibly enjoy themselves without the fear of what anyone else might think of them simply because they enjoy (or have unwillingly had) penile penetration in the ass. No man needs to be ever thought of being anything sexually less than he already is.//
I STRONGLY AGREE! That’s all I have to say.
After reading many articles about sexuality, I came to the conclusion that only 1/5 of all the men in this world are fully straight, and 1/5 are fully gay. The rest are in between in different levels.
Most men have this SSA (Same Sex Attraction) side in them.In most cases, it is dormant. It is only unleashed or awaken due to events going on in their lifetime.
I think that being sentenced in prison for many years, are factors that can unleash the side of a man that will bring up attraction for another.
Very interesting….Without ‘bottoms’, there’d be no (need for) ‘tops’.
I think this post basically covers two completely different topics: 1) Does having any Gay sex make a person Gay? 2) Why is there a negative connotation associated with being labeled a bottom? To the first question I would say that Gay sex does not automatically make one Gay. There are many Straight men who perform in Gay porn for pay. So its very likely that a man in prison could both give and receive anal sex and still not be Gay. As for the second question, to me the negativity associated from bottoming is directly tied to the traditional stereotypes of what a Gay man is…When someone is called or accused of being a bottom, there is a characterized image of a bottom that enters the mind: A feminine, weak-wrist, size queen with their ass/legs eagerly up in the air. True, the emasculation of penetration is a big part of it as well, but I don’t believe that is the main reason why Bottoms themselves use the the term “Bottom” as an insult to throw. I think its used as an insult as if to say you are not just a man who has been penetrated, but you are a dick hungry, popper-sniffing power bottom. Either way, I’m not a bottom so really what do I know, lol.
Nick you know I got mad love for you; however as our friendship continues to grow…I am learning when to not engage you. LOL
^what he said….lol
To me gay is more than just sex. Gay is a mental and emotional thing.
This was a excellent read,,as a bottom for 43 years, I have heard some of these things said,,but as I always say if there were no bottoms then tops you would be sorry. RESPECT everybody is KEY regardless what role they may play in a same sex relationship.
OK! SAY IT!
I say to the tops with attitude… without bottoms, your weekends would be nothing more than fleshlight workout sessions.
And every gay Marine I’ve ever been with has been a bottom… I say to the tops, try and insult them about it and see what it gets you or try and emulate one of them and see how you like it.
Mickey the tough guy on Shameless, who is a shameless bottom, said… “just because I know what I like, doesn’t make me a bitch.”
You’ve highlighted the negative stigma of Bottoms, gave reasons why you think those in the straight/gay community put them down and closed with a “stop it”. I guess you’re hoping at least some of those who already know why they putting down Bottoms and those Bottoms who are unhappy with the stigma will each change their views and if you can just change the mind of one, then you have accomplished what you set out to do in writing this article, right?
Well…those who may know why they are putting bottoms down either will or will not continue their actions on their own. This was more of a conversation to have with one self…meaning if I am a top, have I or do I do these things to bottoms or do I have this negative perception of them. This wasn’t necessarily a post directed at bottoms. However if it sheds light on and helps someone in the process, then I feel my mission was accomplished. Thank you for your feed back.
You can be in prison and not engage. From what I here ain’t nobody getting raped in jail no more. That’s the reason why duds keep goin back to jail.forget that if I can’t if I can’t get what I want on the outside I’m cool.
As a top I have a lot of respect for bottoms, dick hurts! I tried it back in the late 90’s and I said never again. Forget that talk about not messing with the right guy, I don’t want non but I’m so happy there are guys out here that do.
DITTO! I love a proud masculine bottom!
I have gotten back at so many guys for making comments that makes being a bottom bad. Its one thing to say being on the bottom isn’t your thing, but you open up a can of worms when you degrade it. I just have one simple statement for tops who are so ignorant and it always gives them H.M.S. (Hush Mouth Syndrome)
Without bottoms, you and your topping ass would just become another top’s bottom and the cycle repeats itself.
I’ve had the best of both worlds….both are fun to me, but that’s just my preference.
Ok ,I’m not black and I’m certainly not a man ,but I’ve got to say this:
1.Being penetrated doesnt mean being weak ,it rather demonstrates a great deal of trust and courage ,since you could get very hurt by it.Just the same as receiving a fellatio ,you could get your parts bitten off ,but you risk it.Also ,the moment you think being penetrated is demeaning ,you are also demeaning all womanhood ,and by extension your own female relatives.(“you dont have a choice since you only have holes” isnt a good response ,harnesses come in many shapes, sizes and colors)
2.Sex can just mean physical enjoyment ,being penetrated can bring pleasure ,it has nothing to do with being gay(nothing wrong with that either ,love men myself),lest with being a “bitch” or a “punk”.
3.As a minority and a group that deals with prejudice constantly ,gay people and black people should know better ,if you never tried it,or even if you tried and didnt like it show a little bit of respect.
You may think I’m talking about things I dont know and that dont concern me ,if you do I’m sorry and didnt mean any disrespect. But I’ve been insulted ,harrased and bullied for things that I could change and others that I couldnt , it is plain wrong and mean and not a game and I just couldnt not protest.
“I remember looking at porn movies starring Bobby Blake years ago. I remember how he was rough with the guys he would penetrate and how he would call them “bitches” and “punks” as he was performing. Now I know rough sex can be hot at times but I remember thinking “why would anyone find it sexy and appealing to be called a bitch or a punk while Being f–ked?” I used to wonder did anyone else think this was degrading and a turn off besides me…”
That’s exactly why I NEVER found Bobby Blake to be sexy at all. I would never watch a porn flick with him in it. HUGE TURNOFF!
I had a similar experience. One of the first gay porn movies I ever saw was a film with Bobby Blake. I remember thinking to myself “people actually find this erotic”? I would not be turned on if a dude was calling me a punk and bitch while getting fucked. We would be fighting. That was the last gay porn I watched for a while until I discovered Enrique Cruz. That was much more to my erotic taste.
If i’m not mistaken what can a TOP do sexually if no one was a BOTTOM ? There little world would not be Crap and that to me is important.
Anyone who thinks manhood as to do with sex is a retard. I’m a bottom, i rarely top. I am not ashamed to be a bottom, because i know who i am. If the person who is topping me takes it to the level of wanting to “bitch me out” in the bedroom there is no problem with that long as it stays in the bed. I am not a flamboyant queen who goes around referring myself and other guy girl. I just know who i am, and that is what’s important.
I cosign. I often bottom with my partner and rarely top. I feel the exact same way. I know I’m a man and have no desire to be a woman. How I have sex doesn’t make me “less of man”.
Being versatile is the spice of life! It is, IMHO, the only way to go.
I run (well, more ran these days) a role playing prison for those with a prison / jail fetish / fantasy. I find so many guys who simply want to play the role of a punk getting fucked. In the end, it just was uninteresting for me, as I’m not a 100% top guy when it comes to sex.
The Warden (me) decided to require every inmate must flip / flop fuck at least once per day regardless of level. Hence inmate punks, Jockers, Trustees, even Inmate Guards must get and take a load. Of course this doesn’t mean a bottom loving guy can’t take multiple loads. It only means he must give up a load down someone’s ass.
To make it easier on the bottom loving guys, punk inmates do not get to choose who they will be fucking. As the prison owns them, well, you get the idea.
Of course for those NOT into the prison fetish, this all sounds horrible and terrible, but, please respect our needs, as I’m more than happy and willing to respect your desires, needs, and wants.
Well this is a very interesting post. Seven years ago when I finally had my first sexual experience with a man I didn’t know about the titles TOP, BOTTOM or VERS. I just figured when you go in the room who ever had the biggest dick would TOP. Since then of course I know it doesn’t really work that way. It took me sometime to even enjoy gay sex. I knew I was attracted to men sexually but when I was the TOP it didn’t feel enough like a woman’s vagina and when I was the BOTTOM it was uncomfortable so I didn’t know what I liked. Once I met someone who helped me enjoy gay sex I loved it!! LOL. He was a top so I thought I must be a bottom. Then I topped a man who felt really good and realized I didn’t want to limit myself to labels. When I engage in sex now I intend to please my partner and also make sure I am pleased as well. We explore our bodies and make it work. If that means I bottom then cool, if I top cool too. NO MORE LABELS! Am I top, bottom, or vers… Who cares!!
“When I engage in sex now I intend to please my partner and also make sure I am pleased as well. ”
Exactly!
The reason why there is still a stigma with being a bottom even now is because how women are viewed and how people perceive masculinity and feminity. When it comes to gay sex the receptive partner is view as the bitch, weak, powerless, not a “real” man. I’ve met gay bruthas who think because they are a top they are more of a man than a dude that is a bottom or versatile. Those kinds of attitudes are the baggage that str8 world puts on us and it’s something that it takes years to unlearn.
Here’s the problem: We hate femininity because we HATE WOMEN. What’s wrong with being “feminine”? What’s wrong with “submission?” What’s wrong with “rough sex”? SERIOUSLY???