Full disclosure: I haven’t seen a single episode of Scandal. No, that’s actually not true. I struggled for a few days to get through the pilot episode once the show became popular late last year. After all of the fast talking and flash-editing, I pressed STOP during the opening credits of episode two and decided that life was too short to waste on this prime-time soap opera clearly meant for women.Having said that, my social media timeline STILL gets flooded on Thursday nights with Scandal related comments. So what’s a masculine man like me to do? I’d like to join the party, but the show is unwatchable. Seriously.

With the third season of Scandal airing this week, what better time to make a plea to creator and show runner Shonda Rhimes to mold season three into a more palatable series for us men feeling out-of-the-loop? Here are my 6 ideas to dramatically improve Scandal. Ms Rhimes, these are all free of charge.

In real life, bombs are not cool. In movies and TV shows however, they are fucking awesome. Nothing wakes men up faster than the sound of an explosion. And if you ever want to distract us away from plot holes or lapses in story logic, have something blow up.When men see explosions our attention locks like a deer in headlights. A huge fireball is like fourth of July fireworks for men with above average testosterone. So Shonda Rhimes, if you want to ease the suffering of men being forced to watch Scandal with their significant others, please please please bring on the reign of fire.From what I hear, much of your show already takes place in the White House. Follow the lead of Olympus Has Fallen and White Hose Down and blow it up, ASAP!
As the last five “James Bond” and “Fast and the Furious” sequels have shown us, men love powerful cars that make tons of noise and go vroom-vroom real very fast go…Did you see what just happened? Even just thinking about these awesome vehicles, my hyper-masculine brain caused my vocabulary to devolve into monosyllabic words.So here’s a thought: Olivia Pope comes back in Season Three as this bad ass car nut who moves her business into a mechanic’s garage shared by bad-ass Tokyo drifting Asian Americans. Bonus: They also share the space with tattooed Midwest methamphetamine manufacturers, bringing in the drug dealing story angle that us men love so much. Last but not least, the Columbus Short character starts running guns to Mexican cartels on the side. The teleplays literally write themselves.

 Can a brother get a fight scene instead of never ending fast-paced dialogue? Seriously, if the President of the United States was also a Mixed Martial Artist, I would watch this show religiously. I would throw my own Scandal viewing parties and everything.An Ass kicking President is much more interesting and realistic than a married President having an affair in the Oval Office with a beautiful high profile private investigator. If you do take this note, Ms. Rhimes, please have a scene where the President has to fight North Korean mafia henchmen, rips off his shirt and reveals bad-ass prison tattoos covering his arms and chest.

 Oh sure, Shonda Rhimes, Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope is a tough female character…but compared to some others, she’s Mother Teresa. This show needs a bad ass boss chick.Take Salma Hayek’s gangsta ass character Elena “La Reina” Sanchez in Oliver Stone’s Savages. Not only does she run a drug empire, she has people tortured, kidnapped and murdered all at a moment’s whim.Then there’s Lena Headey’s character in the new Dredd film named “Ma-Ma.” She destroys an entire housing project killing dozens of people all to catch a couple cops. Gangstaaaaaaaaaaa!