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Top 15 Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material

It’s my theory that because many gay men couldn’t experience dating and relationships like their peers when they were teenagers; they are overly eager in attempts to form relationships when they gain their independence.  After many hap hazard attempts, bad dating and relationship habits may form setting up future cycles of failure.  There are so many gay men out there declaring that they want meaningful and stable relationships, but do they even know what stable relationship really means?

Do single gay men want long term relationships or are they just in love with the idea having one? Are men just captivated with the concept of the fantasy man that will come and fulfill their dreams? When gay men say out loud “long term relationship” do they really mean “non-committed companionship”?  Well let’s just say it’s the former and not the latter, the problem is many men don’t realize they’re not ready and are not relationship material.  Could this be you?  If you don’t know, here are 15 reasons to help you realize that…You Are Not Relationship Material.

1. You’re A Cheater: You don’t have a problem starting a relationship but you do have a problem being faithful in one.  You think the idea of a committed relationship is having a “main dude” but also having a small stable of other stallions at your disposal. If you have the tendency to “make a mistake” or just “slip up” in the form of having sexual encounters with someone other than your partner while in a relationship, guess what?;  you are not relationship material.  As a matter of fact, you suck at it. A mistake is entering $200.00 on the ATM keypad when you meant to only enter $20.00. Real men are honest with themselves and their partners.  An honest man doesn’t just “slip up” and break commitments.  Also by definition an honest man is not a liar. What secure adult man lies anyway? Being monogamous should be easy and thoughtless. If you like variety and sampling the spice of life by all means do so but do it as a single bachelor (you asshole).

2. You Have Little Self-Worth: In other words, you’re a doormat.  You let men walk all over you. It doesn’t matter if he cheats or if he is abusive and treats you will little respect; you’ll still be there by his side because you made a commitment to him.  The problem is that he is not committed to you.  Sorry…the real problem is that you are not committed to yourself.   You shouldn’t allow your desperation for companionship to emasculate you.  Chances are even if you break up with this dude, the next man will be the same because this is what you attract…you are prey. A real man will not want a whimp, a push over or a doormat.  To attract a man that will care for you and love you, first you have to care about and love yourself. Get up off the floor and stand up.

3. You’re Mr. Fix It: You think you have magical man powers that will cause him to change.  You want to fix him.  Sorry to tell you but if you find him broken, he needs to fix himself.  A man needs to walk his own path and discover his own way.  There is nothing wrong with offering guidance and assistance but it should not be in the form of starting a sexual relationship. Your attempts at “fixing him” could lead to drama and disaster when your fixing abilities fail to work. You should be looking for a companion or a partner, not a project. You’re the one who needs fixing and you’re not relationship material.  Do some serious self-analysis to try to figure out why you seek men to raise.

4. You Don’t Have Stability:  In other words…you don’t have your shit together. Three roommates, bad credit, no transportation, no checking or savings accounts, no goals or ambitions besides the fact that you want a relationship. You need to get your shit together before you even entertain the idea of forming a relationship with someone.  You have to get your stock and self -worth up to get a seat at the table because right now you are un-equally yoked.

5. You Don’t Get Out: You sit at home and barely venture out but you always complain about how lonely you are.  You’re on all the gay blogs and websites leaving comments about “how there isn’t any regular cool guys out here” but what you don’t say is that you barely socialize in person with other gay men outside of the rare visit to a gay club. Get out of the mindset that the only place to meet other men is at gay clubs or gay bars. Gay men are everywhere, at hardware stores, malls, sports bars, lounges; everywhere. Turn the computer off and go outside and play.

6. You Don’t Meet Your Own Standards:  It seems like many single men always have a long list of requirements and high standards of their future partner.  The trouble is that many times they don’t meet the same standards they wish for in others. Wealth, good looks, hot body, not too short, not too tall, not too fem, not too masculine, not to dark, etc.  There is nothing wrong with having standards and qualifications for a potential partner; however if you can’t meet at least 95% of the requirements you have laid-out, you’re delusional and you’re not ready for a relationship.  The majority of men don’t have six packs and chances are if you don’t have one he won’t either. You are being crippled by looking and waiting for a fantasy.  Start looking for a real man who will treat you like a King. 

7. You’re Emotional Damaged: No, we are not talking about diagnosable mental illness; we’re talking about the stressful, self-limiting and self-loathing baggage that you are carrying around from all of your past negative life experiences.  Whether it’s from family experiences, high school or past relationships that ended badly; you’re emotional damaged and you’re bringing all the weight of mistrust and insecurities into your relationships.  You want trust but are reluctant to trust others.  Your emotional baggage becomes a wedge and splinters the few relationships that you are able to form.  If you want a relationship, you have to be willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable and one aspect of vulnerability is to forgive. A trait of forgiveness means understanding you can’t change the past but you can accept it, learn from it, and grow. Often we not only need to forgive others but also forgive ourselves, which many times can be difficult.  Seeking professional help is a sure fire way to talk through your emotional baggage and come out a new man.

8. You Don’t Have Patience:  In other words, you are too desperate.  You want an instant relationship…just add water and stir.  You don’t take the time to actually date, to court, to bond with the man you are interested in.  You want the happy home and the image of the nice happy gay married couple RIGHT NOW, THIS INSTANT.  You’re not willing to or don’t feel like putting in the required work because you just want the idea of a relationship to fill a void.  These types of needy and sometimes possessive men can be very annoying especially after they say “I Love You” after the third date.  Dude chill-out and take your time.  Rushing into relationships has probably been your problem in the past but you’ve just been too damn hungry to notice. Taking your time and getting to learn another man can also teach you some things about yourself but if you get too eager, class can quickly be dismissed.

9. You’re Too Jealous:  Do you check his cell phone for pictures and sent text messages? What about questioning his every move?  Do you need to know his daily and weekly schedule? Do you get angry when he doesn’t answer your calls or reply to your text within five minutes? I mean you have been dating him for at least three weeks so you are entitled to this type of behavior right?  Wrong! There is a strong chance you are a jealous dude with insecurities and trust issues.  A man wants and needs to be respected like a man. Nagging questions from one grown man to another is not a good thing.  If you display this type of jealously, examine within yourself where it stems from before you aggravate and drive away the man you are attempting to establish a relationship with.

10. You Hit The Sheets Too Quickly:  This is simple.  If 99% of all your dates end with your penis sneezing (i.e., an orgasm) you’re a male whore.  You are advertising to the world that you are not relationship material but hookup, jump-off material…and believe me, men talk. This easily sends a message to the man that you’re having sex with that if it’s this easy for him than its just as easy for any man. Therefore, you are not relationship material.  Yes I know we men get horny and if dates are few and far between, we may get a little excited.  However if you want a relationship then you want to be viewed as relationship material.  A cool trick I use to do is to masturbate before I went on a date.  That way my sex drive had been somewhat depleted and I could focus on the man and not trying to get into his pants. Try it.

11. You’re A Gaylebrity:  As my best friend says “You’re a house hold name”.  Meaning, you are known coast to coast within the gay community.  Everyone knows who you are.  You are the premier Gay Socialite. You go to all the clubs and know all the players.  You live, breathe and are entrenched in the gay lifestyle. The problem is when the fans have disbursed and the club closes, you go home lonely.  There’s nothing wrong with socializing but here again, for many gay men this can be uncomfortable when attempting to date or start a relationship. The reason is because some men may feel you are to easily assessable and distracted by other men.  The appearance you may give off is that you are more into clubbing and socializing versus being serious and settling down. Try scaling back your party rocking.  Believe me; the clubs will always be there.

12. You’re In The Closet: Regardless of your reasons and even if you feel they are valid reasons; you’re still in the closet.  How can you expect to have a full, functioning, happy relationship when you can’t even grab a bite to eat with your potential partner because you’re worried about frat brothers, co-workers or family seeing you “out” together?  If your happiness is dependent on people who are not in your bedroom then chances are you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of loneliness and sadness.  Many times you may purposely or unconsciously sabotage your relationships because it may be getting too serious. Your insecurities are limiting the quality of your life. Attempt to live your life by going out of the way to make sure your joy and happiness is priority number one!

13. You’re Dating All The Wrong Men: You support yourself, you’re independent and you love and respect yourself.  You have goals and aspirations, your ethics are intact and you’re an all-around Man’s Man. You pretty much got everything together except… you keep dating the wrong men.  You have reasonable standards and requirements for the potential man you want to couple with but instead you date men that you can’t envision yourself in a relationship with. You consistently “date down”. Don’t date down, date up!  In other words, don’t settle.  Dating down, settling and forming a relationship with Mr. Right Now could lead to disappointment and resentment by both parties.  You don’t want to come off like a jerk so why are you spinning your wheels and wasting everyone’s time? Do yourself a favor and don’t settle for less than the man in the mirror. Look for a man that will enhance and add value to your life and partnership.

14. You Are Addicted To Mobile Apps & Social Gay Media: Jack’d, Grindr, Scruff, BGC, Adam 4 Adam, Men 4 Now…you know them and have multiple profiles on them all.  The problem is that even after you start dating, these sites and apps have become such a routine or habit within your life that you can’t stop logging on.  I have heard some men say that they actually have “friends” on these sites that they have only communicated with online.  I’m not saying that this isn’t possible but what’s wrong with communicating with them through non-gay-sexual-hookup means?  Why haven’t you all exchanged email addresses and communicate that way? This is another sure fire way to send a signal to a potential partner that you are not relationship material. In a way, you’re saying he is not interesting enough or that you don’t value him enough get off the apps or websites.  A real man in person is better than an internet man any day. Close your accounts and log off.

15. You Have No Idea What A Meaningful Relationship Is: Sad but serious.  Ethic men rarely see examples of themselves in loving, long lasting relationships. Regardless if it’s Asian, Black, Latin or Indian men, it’s hard finding examples of our love in Hollywood productions, TV series, web series,  and in everyday life.  We all know they exist but it seems like they are as elusive as a Snow Leopard.  What we do see in abundance within the media is gay dysfunction and conflict.  Commitment, love, security, morals and ethics are just too boring; however we are made to believe that everyone cheats and drama is so much sexier.  “How will I know if he really loves me if he isn’t jealous and abusive?  That’s how we show our love”.  “I can’t be with a man, who doesn’t argue and scream, that’s boring”.  Sadly many men and women think relationships can’t exist without dysfunction. This mindset has been shaped by generations of misinformation and subpar examples.  A companion should not bring dysfunction into your life but enrich the love and joy you already have for yourself.

As we continue through the teenage years of the 21st century, we have more tools than ever to help us do better and be better mentally and spiritually. We continue to allow our self-imposed problems to hinder self-development and growth.  We all have the power to influence our thoughts and actions to move forward and progress.  We are a social species and for the most part need companionship. Don’t be the reason that you miss out on this beautiful human experience.

Here’s the Top 15 Reasons You ARE NOT Relationship Material PODCAST