This is why I think we should stop using "top" and "bottom" as nouns instead of verbs. It's not who you are, it's what you do. You bottom, you're not A bottom. You top, you're not A top. By using them as nouns, they become identity markers and that's why people so easily assign character traits. And then you have conversations like this. It's bullshit.
And the thing that gets me about these critiques of masculine dudes who like other masculine dudes is that it often comes from feminine dudes who also prefer masculine dudes. Even dude in the video said, "He can't be more feminine than me." What? I've heard this same logic from a lot of self-identified feminine bottoms. So basically, they would prefer that the gay community align the same way as heterosexuals where masculine gay men exclusively date feminine gay men. That's some heteronormative bullshit.
Best Posts in Forum: Dating and Relationships
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I was 21 in college, several months before graduation I met this guy that I just developed a platonic friendship with. He was like my at work brother or in class friend but we barely if ever hung out outside of those scenarios. So he low key checked me about how if we are boys why do we only hang out at work or in class. For some reason I felt convicted by that so that day at work I took him to lunch at Ruby Tuesday's which was across the street paid and everything and let him know it wasn't any embarrassed to be seen with him shit or anything, he wasn't noticeably SGL but was very much so out, the next day he took me to lunch and the following I took him etc after a while that just became our routine.
To my ignorance before I knew it we were going out on dates and I never put it together that that's exactly what they were. So we were getting to know one another deeper and deeper and I developed these feelings of attachment and felt the need to protect him and all of that.
Again he took the first step and shot me a text essentially saying he needed me to pick him up from his second job and that he had something for me, I get up get dressed go pick him up and he hands me this 6 page letter and asked that I don't read it til I get home. I'm like uhhh ok nigga....
The letter expressed some deep feelings that resonated with me and concluded with him saying he can't be my platonic friend anymore because he loves me and you know what for the first time I felt OK saying I romantically loved another man as well. I drive back to his crib walking in with a mug and he's looking nervous I guess not knowing what I was going to do and I snap like yo you're going to break up our bond via a letter? He starts to explain and I just went ahead and kissed him.
I told him I don't know how this shit works but if I was ever going to try to find out it would be with him and for the next 2 years we were together everyday he was my inspiration to come out as bisexual to my parents, friends etc and although ultimately that relationship did end I swear I have no regrets because it let me know I can love a man the same way I naturally loved a woman and that was just as natural and just as valuable and essential to who I am.
I'm a lil suspect about this "mentor" you keep mentioning and what he's filling your head with. So your virgin booty hole is somehow more valuable than a person who's only been with a handful of dudes? That's heteronormative at best and slut-shaming at worse.
But regarding your question, TO ME, being a virgin is not really a commodity.
If you're a Top (or even versatile), the Bottoms I've met prefer dudes with experience. But even as a guy who has primarily Topped in my life, the wackest sex I've had has been with the inexperienced. They just kinda laid there, not knowing what to do or where to put their legs.
The BEST sex I've EVER had though, was with a Bottom....a Bottom who (as I would later find out) had LOTS of experience. Had a nikka sweating from the mutual workout...on top of that the Head game was immaculate! Had me like:
I didn't even tell the dude I let penetrate me that he was my first to until AFTER we did it. Sex has never been this rare gemstone to me, it was something other people were doing that I hadn't yet experienced, so I had to change that ASAP. Once I met the dude who fit the requirements and was willing and able, we did it. He wasn't Mr Right, but he was a Damn fine Mr Right Now. We did it and I moved on (I was the one that dumped him). I discovered that I didn't love it so I didn't do it again for another 5 years.
Again, the squad may disagree but just as not every dating situation has to lead to marriage, not every sexual experience has to be this magical thing.
BOTTOMS HAVE NOTCHES IN THEIR BELTS TOO! I've been used for dick by many a dude so tell your "mentor" to fuck off with trying to make you think men who get penetrated are lesser than.
Do what works for you, though. I'm done, lol.
- Thread: Is Marriage in your cards?
I recently got married (October 17, 2015) after five years of being together. I was the one that proposed on July 4, 2014 almost 7 months before it became legal in my state of residence, Florida. Because both my husband and I were from Florida, we made a choice not to get married until it was legal in our state. We decided to get married for a range of reasons, first, it seemed to be the natural progression of our relationship, secondly, it was increasing importantly in my line of work to get married so that my spouse of have the same protections as me when traveling abroad (my husband enjoys traveling on a diplomatic passport and all the rights that come with it). Thirdly, I never thought that I would get married before I turned 30 years old and despite all of that doubt, I enjoyed a wedding filled with family friends from all over the country and world. We actually have a travel themed wedding. As far as our name, we had it hyphenated because it was important for us to share the same name and if we decide on children in the future, they should share our name. Right now, neither one of us are particularly interested in kids. But we have talked about what our kids would call us, I think my husband would be dad or daddy and I would be pop or pop-o. I think that for me, marriage has brought us closer as a couple both literally and figuratively and it was something that we took seriously.
I'm a longtime lurker and this is my first post! The podcasts and the site have been invaluable to me since the old Discreet City days. Thank you to @ockydub and @Nick Delmacy for creating this space for us.
Anyway, I accepted my myself as a black gay man much later than expected and only had my first real boyfriend at 42 (6 months ago). He was the sales guy at a men's clothing store who helped my while I was shopping and then slipped me his card with his number. We dated for almost 6 months and a lot of it was great. Finally being in a relationship with a man (I was in an opposite sex marriage for more than a decade) was eye opening. Being with a man felt right and it was what I had been missing all those years. But our age difference (he's 26 and I'm 42) and being in such different places in our lives (career, financially, etc) proved to be a huge challenge.
This first relationship really helped confirm what I want in a relationship: a fellow masculine black man, intellectual, 30+, financially independent with an established career.
- Thread: OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Yes Or No??
Open relationships only work if both partners actually want it. If one partner feels coerced into this kind of setup, it's probably not going to work. Nothing wrong with open relationships in themselves, just make sure it's based on a mutual decision. Personally, I wouldn't do it. I'm too lazy to find someone else to sleep with, casual sex gets boring after a while, and I would get jealous if I knew my dude was out there fucking around.
This is interesting and true in many ways. I think you'll be surprised to find many 40-year-old men who are full of shit too. I say that to say, its all subjective. There are tons of men in their late 20s and 30s who are dope, the problem is actually meeting at the right time. Like I'm considered a "good dude" but at sporadic moments in my life I purposely take myself off the market...or when I am down to meet dudes, I don't make a serious effort or I'm not in a position to meet other guys. Jack'd, Apps, Clubs, Parties, etc many "good guys" are not doing these things or if they are, they're not doing them at the same time as the other "good guys" so they can meet each other.
Its a conundrum but I promise that I hear the same from a lot of straight ppl, they have a (somewhat) hard time meeting compatible ppl too.
This should not be surprising to any gay guy who's ever read online dating profiles. Dudes can be real nasty about this. What I find odd is most of the guys online claim to be negative but the infection statistics tell a different story......hmmmm.
I actually enjoyed this. Been feelin Tripp since that reality show. 100% my type of dude.
Brodney is actually really handsome, but sounds like a 12 yr old girl. Sorry, not sorry.
I like the juan n gee dynamic and the fact that theyre using their years long relationship as a platform to come up. Visibility matters. However, Im personlly not feeling them dedicating their ball to the ballroom community this year. Everything gay doesnt have to be for EVERY gay under the lgbtrnsgdkfneianzn___ umbrella. U can't just be an accountant, doctor, mailman, hairstylist OR bartender who HAPPENS to be gay and uninterested in super stereotypical gay shyt, and still get to kick back.
I also feel like, while not a couple, but esp w the roundtable approach, @Nick Delmacy n @Ockydub could have ran this lane for years, esp as legit masc dudes. I understand the disinterest in universal visibility, but I also get that this many years in, wer'e STILL talking about the lack of diversity/masc men being willing to rep.
I think that you are idolizing and over valuing virginity in to market that couldn't care less. It's like getting a fresh 20 out of the ATM. It's cool to see but it still spends no more or any less than the older cash you already have.
However, it is important to YOU. So hold on to the value that you have given it. I can tell you that it is likely your first time won't be magical from either a top or bottom position. As a bottom you will probably have to take a while adjust and dilate or you may not be as.... Prepared... As you think you were and some... leavings may still be back there and as a top, unless you are a good dancer and have been practicing, stroke game could be awkward and it's highly possible you'll bust quick. Those are probably the worst physical things that commonly occur but are expected, all things considered.
Emotionally, you may feel different when you reflect on the event. But this is going to depend on the guy. The likelihood you'll find another Virgin in your age range is low but you could also find someone who just isn't that experienced. Not all non virgins are hoes or have high body counts.
So for you it'll be emotional but once you process the event, you'll be fine.
As far as who to toot up to first... Maybe you should not worry about that so much. It's likely your first sexual experience may not even involve full on penetration anyway. I would like to think that you'd not want the whole enchilada the first time you get nekkid with a guy. But if you do, hey, ain't nothing wrong. There's levels to this too if you like. So don't feel you have to hit every sexual bullet point the first time.
- Thread: Masculine 4 Masculine
Am I the only one who doesn't want Odell to be gay? It's better for all of us if he isn't. It lets people know that there isn't a specific way a straight dude or a gay dude should act like. I want him to be a straight dude who is comfortable enough with himself to challenge gender norms and fuck with people. I hate how folks automatically assume he's gay because he steps outside the norm of what a straight dude should be. Gtfoh!
Yes very true! Its a meat market, if there is one flaw about someone, you know that in a couple of more swipes you can have something better. Intimacy, getting to know someone, etc. is more shallow than ever. We're living in the instant generation, everything is a touch away. I too contribute to this but I 'm trying not to.
Calling @African King in this because Nick just started a war lol:
I'll only answer from an African perspective.
Re: Homophobic upbringing/home country - that's just the hand we were dealt with. If you knew that the worst case scenario about being "exposed" as gay/bisexual is a tortuous death and the best case scenario is being disowned by your family, friends, and your community you would be paranoid too. It's a whole thing: I am sure you've seen videos/articles about people being exposed in Jamaica, Cameroon, Uganda etc and what happens to them?... It is also mostly psychological(especially for those living in the West) , sometimes I wonder if it would be as bad as I make it if I ever came out to my family or friends, but we'll never know now will we? Speaking from personal experience, it has been an uphill battle... Everyone just assumes I am straight, so I learned to play the game and go with the flow. I can't say it hasn't been exhausting. It is a full-time job being an actor, after all...and I can't do that DL shit...I just can't. So, I've handling this the best way I can: First, I stopped worrying too much about "coming out". I realized it wasn't that important to me.
I am naturally an introvert, not big on public speaking or big-ass weddings; I mostly fly under the radar. So, I'll continue being myself. Second, I stopped worrying too much about what everybody else thinks about the way I live my life. Yes, I won't give my mom some fantasy daughter-in-law or some superman grandkids, so I'll learn to live with that and she'll do the same. It'll probably take me a while to get to the point where I volunteer telling folks that I am gay/bi, but if I am caught slipping, I won't deny the charges.
I just wish dudes would stop asking me what I think about this girl they saw on Instagram and what that ass look like or what have you: someday I am just going to be like "forget the girl, did you peep dude's ass tho? bubbly amiright?"
Re - Fem Africans - Oh they out there . I know a few lol the difference is that they aren't usually that conspicuous. They are usually pretty chill and easy going(contrary to the "fem" stereotype) Just folks like us trying to get through the work week unnoticed.
I mean, I get it. I do. But I dislike how discussions on racism in the gay community always revolve around sex and attraction. It always involves men of color wanting to be desired by blonde hair, blue eyed Billy and Bobby. Like who cares? Why do we feel like we need to be desirable to white boys? Let's talk about real racism in the LGBT community. Like how a lot of resources for HIV/AIDS research amongst LGBT organizations dwindled once gay white men were no longer the largest victims of the epidemic. Despite the fact that gay black men are still infected at increasingly high rates. Or how the majority of hate crimes amongst LGBT people are people of color especially trans women of color. And yet organizations don't necesssarily reflect that. Those are real discussions of race and racism I want to have. Not whether or not Bobby likes black guys. Wanting to be desired by white men, in my opinion, just feeds into white supremacy.
I want to be in one "eventually" because I want the partnership, union of love that I can't from get from family and friends.I believe that just because relationships fail doesn't make them less valued. I won't get the same bond that will come from a "relationship." Why can't we see 2 masculine men flourishing together without beating each other physically. No competition, wiling to be wrong and submit to each other.
If no one takes that risk? 30 years from now we will be in the same space asking the same old tired questions. I will admit now that my attitude is gone.I didn't know that the young fraternity couple were not together. It would not have been posted.
But, that won't be every gay couples reality. Just because those are not highlighted doesn't mean they don't exist. Every one argues whether you are in a sexual relationship are not. That is part of our human make up. We cry when we get are ass whopped, by parents, someone dies, or losing a job. We can't let that be a reason to block ourselves from one of the highest and intimate love possible.
I was 15. He was 17. High School. Being in a relationship as a teenager is one of the whackiest, craziest, hormonal feelings ever. When we first became intimate, I realized how inaccurate and unrealistic porn really was. I remember after the first time, I felt like I did something wrong and just sat there without saying anything. That had more to do with internalized homophobia than anything else.
I learned that gossip spreads fast in high school. People can be messy. I was outed soon after. But I also learned that most people didn't really care.
I learned that I would never have the same feelings for a girl as I did with a guy. When I dated girls, everything felt robotic. I didn't know when I was supposed to kiss her or what I should do to her. With a guy, there was still a learning curve, but everything felt more natural.
I also learned that it's normal to really reflect what's going on. I found myself thinking things like, "Wow, I'm actually kissing a dude. He has a mustache." lol.
Basically, it's a unique and interesting learning experience.
- Thread: Where White People Meet
I need ya'll to know this is a real thing.
So,being up all nite with nothing to do,I browsed profiles...meaning I signed up for the site.
Turns out I'm not the only black man on the site.
The best though...the real mvp ...
- Thread: Dating within the Squad
Im a lil surprised abt the fact that ur mentor was so dismissive of him. U been talkin to this dude for like, 2 weeks. Dont be 'gay' n treat that like 2 months! Just keep getting to know the guy if u like what youve seen so far.
As for the virginity, Ima join the choir n say that I dont think its a big deal in 2016. I rly dont think most grown men are running around pressed to bed a virgin. Point tho, is that ur virginity matters to u, so it is what it is.
Like I always tell u tho, dont sit around waiting for everything to be 'perfect' before u get out n live life.
- Thread: Relationship Goals
Im sorry, but I call BS on all this..."you get what you put out" shit. If that was the case then more than half the nikkaz on this site alone would be in phenomenal relationships, because this site is FULL of good looking, intelligent, level headed dudes that Im sure are well aware of what it is they want in another person. We say this "oh...you have to put that energy out there and it'll come to you Huney" (I dont know why I did that in a gay voice LOL) nonsense because it sounds good and it's reassuring, but the reality is the better majority of muh'fukaz str8 and gay (and women too) ain't shit. The culture promotes "Ain't Shit-ness". Any genuinely good dude with half a common sense that can spot bullshit from a mile away will most likely be single because out of 10 dudes (or chicks), 7 ain't shit, 1 is in a relationship, and one is over the bullshit and don't bother anymore. That just leaves the needle in the haystack. LOL.
And @SB3 You an't shit fo keep putting me in basket weaving activities. Ain't been on here in fi'ty 'leven years and now you wanna jump back in and "shade" me. Chyle, Cheese LMAO
- Thread: Dating within the Squad
As much as I hear people complain about not finding a good man, I would think that no squad member would want to shut the door on a potential great man that they may meet here. Besides that, it could be me, but I kinda thought this site attracted a caliber of individuals that wouldn't denigrate themselves or others in a public forum. Nevertheless, we are human, so I can't put evil past anyone. Lol. But I'd rather date guys here than Jack'd or any of those other sites.
- Thread: What's Your Type (Post a Pic)
- Thread: Ruin A Date In FOUR Words
Aight, I'll go ahead.
I'll skip the dudes that I know are already in relationships like @Ockydub, @Cyrus-Brooks, @ControlledXaos, @BlackguyExecutive, @GaTekno84, etc.
I'll also go ahead and first round eliminate the guys who have made it clear they're not interested in dating mens no more: @Tyroc, @ColumbusGuy, @alton, etc
Having said that, I'll go ahead and nominate:
@JNH412 On top of being handsome, intelligence is sexy and a great relationship trait, he seems to have this in abundance. Whoever he ends up with will have to be just as attractive intellectually fit. He also seems to have an emotional side to him, another trait that can be attractive to a partner.
@questforknowledge An overall nice guy who seems like he would be dedicated to, faithful to and love the shit outta the (masculine) dude who was compatible with him and his limited schedule.
@bpaisle Seems like a chill, cultured guy who would be focused on growing in a partnership with a dude if the compatibility and mutual goals were the same.
@hannibal A great sense of humor is often taken for granted when dating. Being with a dude who's boring as shit versus being with one that can make you laugh is like night and day. Not only is he very funny (he used to be more active and comical on the main site), he's also very talented and driven, traits that can help spice up a growing partnership.
As for the Cut Buddies, I nominate:
@SB3 Yeah he's handsome and seems really cool....but my homegirl told me that "bartenders and personal trainers are the biggest male whores."
@DreG Oh sure, he'd start off as the best of boyfriends...until there's a Teen Titans marathon or something. Then you won't hear from him for days.
@African King I mean, he's young, horny and still doesn't really know what he even likes yet...odds are the first 5 - 10 men he gets with will just be test subjects.
LOL all jokes aside, I could go on and realistically add Squad Members to both categories, even flipping the ones I listed here...Plenty of dope dudes on the site.
I must have missed this earlier somehow lol I'm been on here all day practically!
Like African King, I my reason for wanting a relationship is mainly to simply experience what that's like for once. I love experiencing new things, people, places..it keeps me going, helps me grow as a human being and everyone needs that. You bring up good points though I will admit, if there's one thing I got from this it was a reminder that relationships aren't easy. But nothing in life worth having ever is, am I correct?
I think the gay community need a lot work as it becomes more socially acceptable, because right now all these bad examples of relationships come from people who quite frankly aren't prepared for a good one. They are broken in so many ways, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that it's difficult for them to be stable enough to make things last. This problem isn't just in gay relationships and I'm not trying to be Dr.Phil, I just think a lot people do get in relationships for the "wrong" reasons or reasons that don't hold any substance like for appearances or status. No strong foundations.
I think this meme is one of those lazy critiques that are often used towards Millennials and younger individuals. My quick snapback to this is if relationships were so easier before we had technology that connects us, multiple layers of communications, more egalitarian emotional appeals and so on, then why did older generations mess so much shit up? My parent's generation chose to divorce and my grandparent's generation stuck with being unhappy until they were too old to be happy.
- Thread: Marriage Is Boring
Like with most things in life, everything isn't for everybody. If you don't like marriage, find something that works for you. The only way to do that is be open and explore. Sometimes if your life is mundane and boring, so are your relationships.
Not to sound like all simplistic but all these can be easy fixes.
-Whack sex (head game weak, kissing game weak). Talk with him about what you don't like and get to practicing. Maybe he hasn't had that much experience or maybe he has and others did not tell him his head game is wack? You may discover he may not like certain things you do either and you both can work on them together.
-Bad body (soft like a marshmallow and hips like my fourth grade art teacher. This nikka jiggles like he never did a push up in his life). How is your body? I'm sure most if not the majority of black men can benefit from a gym membership. Again this can be discussed and maybe the both of you can come up with a meal / fitness plan together. You don't have to work out together but just issue a fitness challenge that both of you will follow.
-Not confident in himself or his abilities. That's because [email protected]@as saying his head game it weak. Naw but for real, maybe start suggesting counseling. Does he have medical benefits? I just feel as a man and as a black man, you should be attempting to build the next man up.
-He is cynical towards blacks peoples plights and conditions. He hates them. (he is black himself and from the hood... like the hood, hood. See above. People can change however his sentiments come from somewhere.
-He does not take care of himself (grooming or clothing... he looks like he gets his clothes from the thrift store... hygiene is not an issue) So does Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg...AND? On the real suggest going with him to pick out new clothes at a budget friendly spot like a Marshalls or TJ Maxx then hit up the clearance rack at Macys.
Sounds like everything is fine and you need to step your communication game up.
- Thread: Masculine hitting on Masculine
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