Dating Green Flags

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by ControlledXaos, May 10, 2016.

  1. ControlledXaos

    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    43
    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,500
    Daps Received:
    7,043
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanna
    [​IMG]


    I read this and thought it was a good baseline for people to look at as they navigate the dating would. I have had a few relationships under my belt and I agree with what the writer says.

    A few things that's stood out to me...

    When someone is willing to do the unfun things. While taking someone to the doctor for an outpatient procedure doesn't mean you're compatible, the willingness to do it does win major points.

    Admitting faults when prior relationships didn't work out. If they know they f-ed up and what they learned about it that's a lesson that you can reap the benefits of.

    Agreeing to disagree and both parties respect the opposing viewpoints. I don't want to feel like I'm on eggshells if we don't see eye to eye. Nor do I want to feel like the disagreement will lead to the end of the relationship. ​

    Green Flags
    Source: The Pervocracy: Green flags.

    Monday, July 16, 2012

    There's a lot of articles out there about "red flags" to watch out for when you're dating someone. My favorite is the discussion of "Darth Vaders" in the comments to this post by Captain Awkward. The concept can certainly be used for victim-blaming--saying "why didn't you spot all the red flags?" is a great way to kick someone when they're down--but it's a good tool for someone facing the dating world.



    A couple years back, I went on a date with a guy, jokingly disagreed with him about some silly thing I don't even remember, and he hit me. Straight-up slapped me on the arm, hard enough to hurt, not hard enough to bruise. He wasn't my boyfriend or anything; this was oursecond date. I yelled "Hey!" and he started laughing and told me it was a joke and it's not like he really hit hit me, and I was probably taking everything so seriously because I was an uptight feminist, but he was willing to forgive me for that so long as I went ahead and laughed with him at this wonderful joke he'd made.



    He called me for a third date and I did not call back. I was closer than I'd like to admit to being sucked into the "it was a joke! horseplay! are you really going to hold that against him?" thing, but then I thought in terms of red flags. Physically striking someone on a date is one of the reddest flags there is. Even though I couldn't quite convince myself that the hitting itself was wrong, I could understand that it was a sign of wrong things coming. I think that understanding saved me a lot of pain.







    But the mere absence of red flags doesn't really say anything good about a person, does it? "I went on a date with the most wonderful guy! I don't think he'll emotionally or physically abuse me! What a catch!"



    So let's talk about green flags. (Um. White flags? ...Cyan flags?) Signs that someone is mature enough for a relationship, that they have a healthy attitude toward relationships, and that they have the potential to be a caring and responsible partner. This isn't about compatibility--maybe they're a lovely person but you like Kirk and they like Picard--but signs that they'll be a good partner to someone.



    Here are a few. I bet there'll be better ones in the comments.

    • They communicate, early and often, about what they're thinking and feeling, and they give you chances to do the same.
    • They introduce you to their friends and want to meet your friends.
    • They have a rich life outside of you. It can be many different things--job, hobby, friends, family--but they havesomething that makes them engaged and energized and has nothing to do with you.
    • They're excited by the things that make you different, not just the things that make you conventionally attractive.
    • They ask you for your opinion and advice as often as they offer theirs.
    • They're willing to do un-fun, un-sexy stuff with you; when you need someone to hold your hand in the ER or take you to the airport at rush hour, they're there for you.
    • When talking about previous relationships that didn't work out, they admit fault and regret.
    • They always ask you before making a decision that affects you, whether it's trivial like "where to sit in the theater" or major like "whether to have sex tonight."
    • They respect your decisions and emotions even when you can't "logically" explain them.
    • You feel safe disagreeing with them, calling them out when they screw up, or telling them you don't want to do something with them.
    • They set boundaries with you sometimes, and they do it in a matter-of-fact, respectful way.
    Your mileage may vary, some bad people will have a few green flags, some good people will be missing a few, all opinions given are only opinions, et cetera. But when you're considering making a new person a major part of your life, I think it's important to think not just about "are there no bad signs?" but about "are there any good signs?"





    P.S. While I was in the middle of writing this post, Captain Awkward put up a post on the exact same subject! Curse you, synchronicity! But if you don't mind reinforcing my terrible case of Blog Envy, I highly recommend you check her post out too.
     
  2. Tyroc

    Tyroc Deactivated Account

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2015
    Messages:
    1,033
    Daps Received:
    2,157
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    This was a cool read given the fact that I'm trying to reenter into the dating world after a long hiatus.
    I've been guilty of ignoring the red flags of dates because I'n usually trying to reign in my own overbearing red flags.

    If I've gone on say 400 dates, there's been maybe 5 where I've felt that there was that geuine communicative feedback where I didn't feel like I was the only interested in what the other had to to contribute.

    This is the biggest red flag I've encountered in my dating world.
    The things I'm into and like have always been more a source of amusement to dates or at best a false excitement because it was seen as a means to a naked end.

    This flag I've always had to ignore. If I ever needed my hand held, even in a relationship, it was always left swinging in the wind.
     
  3. ControlledXaos

    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    43
    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    2,500
    Daps Received:
    7,043
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanna
    Many of these also apply to people you'd consider a friend. I think this was a good write up.
     
  4. grownman

    The 100 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2015
    Messages:
    935
    Daps Received:
    1,200
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    fl
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    There are quite a few REALLY good articles coming through this board lately. This one follows in that pattern.

    Finally, in the next chapter of life we get to see the other side! It's good to see the "good signs" to look for. This article needs to be passed out in women's shelters, high schools and every gay club and pride event. Love it!!!
     
  5. Sean P

    Squad Leader The 100 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    55
    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2016
    Messages:
    224
    Daps Received:
    826
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Seattle/Atlanta
    Dating:
    Single
    Right!!! This post was like the mythical creature that we often hear about, but rarely see. I'm feeling all Double Rainbow Guy right now:
    [​IMG]
     
    ControlledXaos and grownman dapped this.
  6. Omega Level

    Omega Level DRACARYS
    The 1000 Daps Club

    Age:
    41
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2015
    Messages:
    656
    Daps Received:
    1,637
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    New York
    Dating:
    Single
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post man. As a person who always try to stay optimistic, I always talk with my friends and family, (as well as myself) about trying hard to focus on what is right with your life, that person, your job, your city you live in, etc. Instead of focusing on the negative or what you wish was the case.

    Life is totally about perspective. And instead of seeing whats wrong in a person, its always healthier IMO to focus on what is right. Even if the person was an assh*le, but as a result you became a better person that can see through his type of bull$hit...

    Two thumbs up on this post bro...:umad:
     
    Tyroc, DreG and ControlledXaos dapped this.
  7. BlackguyExecutive

    BlackguyExecutive Charge D'Affaires
    Squad Leader Best Site Comments The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

    Age:
    33
    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Messages:
    1,023
    Daps Received:
    2,449
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    World Traveller
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Married
    Real talk about having a life outside of your partner. I see so many relationships fail because people don't have a life or identity outside of their partner. It is okay to have your own friends, interests, hobbies, etc.
     
  8. grownman

    The 100 Daps Club Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 26, 2015
    Messages:
    935
    Daps Received:
    1,200
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    fl
    Orientation:
    Gay
    Dating:
    Not looking
    I wish you were around 3yrs ago to tell my ex that.
     
Loading...
Similar Threads - Dating Green Flags Forum Date
The One Question Men Need to Stop Asking on Gay Dating Apps Dating and Relationships Oct 14, 2019
This is Gay Dating Advice in 2019....I Quit... Dating and Relationships Aug 30, 2019
7 'Outdated' Dating Rules We Should Bring Back Dating and Relationships Apr 17, 2019
US pushes Chinese owner of Grindr to divest the LGBTQ dating app over ‘national security risk LGBT News and Events Mar 27, 2019
Dating 201: The Levels Of Eye Contact Dating and Relationships Feb 19, 2019

Share This Page

Loading...