Do You Have a Relationship w/ Your BIOLOGICAL Father?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Sean, Jan 30, 2018.

  1. Sean

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    I'm a part of a few Black Singles Facebook groups (hetero) and someone posed a question about who you were closest to, your mom or dad. I knew without going through the answers what most of those answers were gonna look like, but I also know from my experience with men that if a gay or bi man responded, the answers for "mom" would have been even more skewed. It got me to thinking about something I never really talk about or acknowledge, which is my relationship with my biological dad.

    There is none.

    I was born into wedlock (my sister wasn't) and my parents were married 14 years of my life, but I never developed a relationship with my dad. It was largely due to his alcoholism (nothing new or different from most folks), but I also recognized later in life that he just had unresolved nurturing and relational issues from childhood that affected how he dealt with me. The alcohol helped him communicate with me, but that communication consisted mostly of being yelled at and bullied. When he was sober, he just sat quietly on the couch, most of the time, watching TV. I recently realized (through therapy) how much I loathe people who are just "there", and exist with no sense of direction or purpose. It reminds me of my dad and I hate it.

    Anyway, I hear from him every blue moon. It's usually when he gets drunk and probably in his feelings about not being there for me...ever. (I remember the one time he showed up for something--a spelling bee in elementary school--he was drunk.) My sister says he's scared of me, and I kinda laugh at that cuz he is the reason for my anxiety and being around him when he's intoxicated makes me wanna run away. Not so much out of fear of him, because I was never afraid of him like that. But my dad certainly terrorized me through most of my childhood to the point where I don't really want to fuck with him. I would likely feel different if my dad wasn't the same man he was 24 years ago when my parents separated, but he's the same ole drunk.

    From what I have learned about him, he's a good guy. I got some of his good qualities (and some of his bad) and am pretty grateful for that. But beyond that, I kinda could care less.

    Sometimes I hate that I cannot rationalize or imagine what it is like to speak highly of my dad. Or to have a dad that is highly respected and regarded among his family, friends and colleagues. (hell, colleagues, my dad never kept a job.) Sometimes, I hate that I can't really comprehend what having a dad around was like, because even though mine was present, he was never there. Sometimes, I hate admitting that I have "daddy issues." And sometimes, I hate I have to question myself as a human being for not wanting to give a fuck about that nigga. (lol.)

    Just some thoughts that needed to get outta my head and go somewhere, apparently. Lol.
     
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  2. takeyourmeds91

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    Thank you for sharing that - you seem very well adjusted to the situation although I couldn't imagine the strength it took to get to this point for you.

    I'm the anomaly - I don't have a relationship with my mother and haven't since about 13/14 years old when I went to live with my father. A lot of it involved her having me when she was 18/19; she was young and didn't have the best upbringing herself. She wasn't a horrible mother but I think as she matured, she carried a lot of shame in how I was raised and projected that onto other people causing a lot of poor choices on her part.

    My father's not perfect either but he did teach me how to be a man and accept responsibility.

    Currently, it's hard to build a relationship with my mother because I'm grown now so that mother figure that I once knew does not exist in the present. It's basically two adults trying to establish a relationship.
     
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  3. Sean

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    @takeyourmeds91 that's another topic I want to explore as well, cuz I've met quite a few guys with strained relationships with their moms...and for different reasons. Some had to do with sexuality, some were in situations like yours were moms was young and still a child herself. Do you feel that you have a maternal void in your life?
     
  4. takeyourmeds91

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    So when I moved with my dad, he had already been seriously dating another woman; they've been married since I was like 15 - she became that mother figure in a sense. I love her to death but I envy that natural maternal attachment that folks have with their biological mothers. I had it briefly in childhood but it feels so foreign now.
     
  5. Sean P

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    My parents have been married for 57 years and my father has always been there for me and my family. We have our moments of tension (People in their 80s can become too self-righteous for my taste.). Yet, when all is said and done, he is a great guy and a fantastic dad! I feel very fortunate.
     
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  6. jusrawb

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    My dad was in my life till around 7 yrs old because of the dysfunction between him and my mom and probably some other stuff, he missed 10 years of my life. To me the most important years at that. My senior year in high school I decided to look up my older brothers on Myspace, haven't seen them for 10 years either. Another relationship I missed out on. So long story short I got reconnected with my Dad my senior year of high school and he's honestly tried to build a relationship since then but something still feels like its missing. It's like I still have so many questions and I don't know how to ask them. Also I'm out to everybody but my Dad and that side of my family because I just don't feel the connection, as if they are still strangers. I really want that relationship with my Dad and brothers from that side though.
     
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  7. Apollo

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    first, thanks for sharing everyone.

    I experienced similar situation. May dad was also an alcoholic and was present, but hardly ever around. He spent most the time at the bars drinking. When he was around, all he did was yell at everyone or just really make fun of you. And I mean really embarress, humiliate you. I was pretty much done with him at like the age of 10 and wanted nothing to do with him. He just made no effort at being a dad. The only decent thing he did was get me involved with sports. but he would even ruin sports at times. I was never good enough at sports for him. I never got a compliment. And I was always late to the practices/games. That's probably why I hate when people are late. Sometime in junior high I started to refuse to get into a car with him driving. No way am i getting into a car with him driving.

    I always tried to deal as little as possible with him. When I went to college that was pretty much the end of any interaction with him. I very rarely see him. I usually only see him maybe at some family event, niece or nephew's birthday party, and he doesn't even acknowledge me let alone talk to me. We're like strangers, lol. I don't understand how my sister lets him see her kids...I absolutely don't do thanksgiving. I can't stand Thanksgiving. I wish they would ban it, lol.

    I guess I have "daddy issues" too, and also really can't comprehend what a dad is. For me it's just better not to deal with him. I'm pretty much okay with it at this time. This probably sounds really messed up, but I do wonder sometimes if it would have been better if he was completely out of the picture from day one, and I never knew him. (Maybe, I should go visit a psychiatrist afterall, lol)
     
  8. Sean

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    My therapist said it is worse for a parent to be physically there but emotionally or otherwise unavailable. So yeah, you and I both would have been better off to some degree. But I also have to consider what if I didnt have all the negative experiences with my dad growing up and would I be as outgoing, tenacious and resilient as I am? Looking at our experiences half glass full, it didnt kill us, so we are definitely stronger for them.
     
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  9. Cyrus-Brooks

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    My father is dead he died almost a decade ago....wow that seems strange to say. He was in there for the first stage of my life up until age 14. But he struggled with heroin addiction. I chalk that up to him having a rough childhood, and like many baby boomers in the 1950, 60s, and 70s especially in urban ghettos he got involved in drugs and the street life. Life with him was difficult many times. I remember him and my mom often being at odds. In many ways he was good guy but in many ways he wasn't. When I was a little boy I was really emotional and sensitive at that age it seemed like he tormented me but looking back on it now I realize he was tough on me because he knew the world does not show black boys or black men any mercy. So I do give him credit for making me emotionally tough. There wasn't much of relationship after 14 I can count on my fingers the number of times I've seen or spoken to him since I was a teenager and as an adult. It wasn't many. For many years I was angry with him and at times even hated him. Since then I've been able to forgive my dad and realize he did love my mom, my sister, and me he just had alot of personal demons. Unfortunately he died before we had a chance to hash things out as adults so that is the one regret I have. I no longer envy people who have good father/son relationships. It is what it is, and what's done is done. There is nothing I can do to change it. I've made my peace with it and said my goodbyes at his memorial service.
     
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  10. Artistic Arsonist

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    My dad's always been in my life, as well as my brother's.

    At some point, he separated from my brother's mom, got with mine, and I was born. Plus we live in another state, so my dad was, and is, much more present in my life. Ironically, I think he's much closer to my brother.

    No hard feelings between us or anything like that, we just don't have anything in common.
     
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