Grindr, Jacked, Tinder, Scruff: A Recipe for Loneliness

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Lancer, May 8, 2016.

  1. Lancer

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    Worldwide, a typical Grindr user spends approximately two hours a day on the app. That’s more time than we spend eating, and more time than most of us spend exercising. Mobile geolocation dating apps are relatively new (Grindr was launched in 2009), but unlike the desktop online experience of chat rooms and forums, the mobility of the mobile app means it can be used at the office, or on the toilet, or at dinner with your parents, or even at a gay bar. Or all day.

    The app offers access to one million men at any given moment, according to Ansley Brown, a representative for Grindr at PR Consulting, and the men are of all ages, races, and body types. There’s something, presumably, for any craving or type. Some gay men use these apps out of boredom, chatting endlessly with no intention of meeting, while others are horny and benefit from the promise of a convenient hookup. There are actually men who use the apps out of a desire for connection with another person. They may be geographically remote, or part of a constrained social group. Or they could just be lonely and looking for friends or a partner.

    With so many options and the convenience of the apps, one might assume that we are more likely to assuage our loneliness than we could without them. In fact, the opposite may be true. Excessive use can do as much good for our mental state as devouring two extra-large McDonald’s fries at 1:30 in the morning can do for our physical health.

    In much the same way that fast foods offer quick, easy satiety or comfort but can damage the body via refined sugars, sodium, and cholesterol, hookup apps offer quick connection but can damage the psyche — and the body.

    Loneliness in America is on the rise. According to a study published in 2006 inAmerican Sociological Review, 53.4 percent of Americans have no close friends or confidants outside of their immediate family, which is troubling as it’s up 17 percent since 1985. What’s more, 24.6 percent of people have no close confidante at all (up 14 percent since 1985).

    Daily use of Grindr has increased 33 percent within the past three years alone. As Americans become more socially isolated with time, are we looking at correlation or causation when it comes to our staggering increase of usage? Are gay and bisexual men using hookup apps more now because we’re all becoming lonelier, or are we becoming lonelier because we are using the apps more?

    There’s a vicious cycle that I’ve witnessed in my own life over the years. Often after a breakup I’d catch myself flipping from Grindr to Scruff, then Growlr to Recon, and Daddyhunt to GuySpy relentlessly. One time I even downloaded Tinder because the gay-specific apps weren’t enough. I’ve spent entire days app-hopping from one to the next, attempting to satisfy my loneliness. By the evening, if I hadn’t met anyone (which was usually the case), I’d just feel more lonely and depressed than before.

    “Using hookup apps excessively could contribute to social isolation by substituting momentary, relatively anonymous, and shallow relationships for deeper, more sustaining intimacy,” says Steven Cole, a professor of medicine and psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at the UCLA School of Medicine. “They’re like ‘empty calorie’ socialization — fun snacks but ultimately not deeply nutritious for our sense of belongingness and deep connection. They don’t cause literal isolation but instead promote brief relationships that may sometimes come to substitute for or even displace a deeper sense of connection to others.”

    If such behavior can lead to social isolation, then what are the health consequences of this “empty calorie” socialization? John T. Cacioppo, founder and director of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago, was the principal investigator on a project that explains how the resulting loneliness and perceived social isolation can affect humans on a physiological level and can lead to premature death. The study examined loneliness in humans and rhesus monkeys, who are also social primates. Social species respond to loneliness and isolation, in the short term, by going into a self-preservation mode, designed to get the individual socially connected once again. This increases the immature white blood cells being produced and released into the circulation. If social connection isn’t re-established, however, the ongoing experience of social threat tunes the white blood cells in a fashion that makes them much more likely to get triggered in a pro-inflammatory way. This then secretes inflammatory cytokines proteins, resulting in depression and lethargy, which may, in turn, perpetuate loneliness.

    The more peculiar part of my app-hopping was that despite these enhanced feelings of depression and loneliness, I’d continue using the apps, day after day, compulsively. I felt as though I was trapped in a cycle that I couldn’t get out of because I was feeling so lonely. Those who see themselves as lonely and isolated are particularly at risk — less so introverts who don’t view themselves as lonely.

    In previous studies, Cacioppo and his colleagues had also found that lonely people exhibit higher vascular resistance, a tightening of the arteries, which raises blood pressure. Lonliness also affects the immune and nervous systems. Epidemiological studies have found that socially isolated people have an increased risk of infections and heart disease and that those with poor social skills consume more alcohol, exercise less, and eat poorly.

    At TEDx Des Moines, Cacioppo gave a talk that emphasized the importance of recognizing the signals of loneliness that can lead us to such symptoms that accompany excessive use. The problem is that loneliness had been falsely characterized as a non-chronic disease associated with shyness, depression, being a loner, or having marginal social skills.

    “You don’t hear people talking about feeling lonely, and that’s because loneliness is stigmatized — the psychological equivalent to being a loser in life, or a weak person,” Cacioppo explained.

    Rather than using these apps to respond to loneliness, we can combat it by developing a trusted relationship with someone whom we can confide in, and who can confide in us. Of course, this is easier said than done, and it’s often the very thing that leads so many lonely gay and bisexual men to these apps — they’re looking for that confidante. There are other things that can be done, though. Spending good times with family and friends helps, as well as participating in something bigger than us, such as volunteering in an area that holds personal significance.

    “Instead of trying to ‘find people to spend time with,’ it may be easier to forge new deep bonds if we focus more on finding a cause or purpose to devote ourselves to,” suggests Cole, who was a collaborator on Cacioppo’s loneliness study. “When that happens, we are much more likely to easily encounter others who share our aspirations and inspirations, our backgrounds and values, and this can be a powerful way of re-establishing connection. In other words, to cure a disease of disconnection, it may be more efficient to pursue some sort of purpose or mission or hobby, rather than consciously seek companionship.”

    In Cacioppo’s TEDx talk, he explained that living with obesity increases the odds of an early death by 20%. Excessive alcohol consumption increases the odds by 30%. Loneliness, however, increases the odds of an early death by a staggering 45% because of the psychological and physiological implications it bears. Since excessive use of hookup apps perpetuates that feeling, we can begin to see how it may be less lethal to pick up a Big Mac than your smartphone. This is not to say that hookup apps are a bad thing; they offer convenience and variety when you’re feeling more socially connected. But when you’re not, it’s not a bad thing to think twice about making hookup apps your primarily tool for meeting new people.

    “Devotion to a cause or purpose, other than just finding someone, is a great way to accidentally find someone who really works for you,” says Cole. “And it’s the ‘really works for you’ part that is the ultimate solution to loneliness.”

    Interesting take, do not completely agree though. Thoughts?
    Grindr, Tinder, Scruff: A Recipe for Loneliness
     
  2. ColumbusGuy

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    Wow.

    "Loneliness in America is on the rise. According to a study published in 2006 inAmerican Sociological Review, 53.4 percent of Americans have no close friends or confidants outside of their immediate family, which is troubling as it’s up 17 percent since 1985. What’s more, 24.6 percent of people have no close confidante at all (up 14 percent since 1985).
    "

    Damn. Out of 200 million plus adults in the US, that means there are at least 50-60 million adults without any close confidant.

    I don't anymore really. Maybe that is why I sometimes overshare stuff? I can admit it-I am a loner pretty much now. It is more not being able to trust anyone anymore as anything else. I wonder how many people feel like that?- I wonder if people choose the fleeting and shallow encounters and relationships because they feel they cannot trust anyone anyway and they will just be betrayed or hurt if they do? I wonder what the results would be if they looked into why so many people have no close confidante?

    *There is also a difference between people you can trust, and people who are confidantes-not every trusted person can be a confidante-it takes more than that.
     
  3. DFW Brutha

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  4. grownman

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    I have never downloaded those apps. So, I can't speak on them. But, I have joined many dating sites ( Zoosk, and Match.com ) out of loneliness. Hoping, to find friends (possibly both friends or lovers.) I am and have always been introverted and at one time-closeted. So, these apps provided a way to find others like myself. It also gave me courage to talk with guys without necessarily being with them physically. So, when I did meet them the awkwardness was not as strong. I think that most here agree CA fills a void we don't get anywhere else. Hence, the reason we keep coming back.
     
    #4 grownman, May 8, 2016
    Last edited: May 8, 2016
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  5. ColumbusGuy

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    I read something a couple hours ago about dating apps. You are much less likely to get a second date from a date set up on an app vs. something else-like actually meeting people first at functions or out and about. Something about getting certain info about people, creating an image in your mind about them, then the person falling short of expectations when you meet them. Also people lack the patience to get to know someone-they are fast paced and think 'why waste my time on this person' when in fact that person might be right for you(if you only took the time to get to know them), and you might actually spend more time overall going from date, to date, to date...with a new person-who is likely to be rejected anyway.

    They also mentioned that a solid first impression is set within one tenth of a second once seeing someone. Dang. You make a an initial good impression or a bad impression when viewed in one tenth of a second. We see a pic of someone or meet someone and see them and in one tenth of a second size them up and judge. Hard to believe. I guess that goes for any kind of meeting. pic, in person, online, etc. It is what it is.
     
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  6. grownman

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    Yeah, I am working on changing my views because that has been my reality. I deleted dating websites and just use small everyday conversation with folks. I allow my personality to radiate as it will.
     
  7. alton

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    "By the evening, if I hadn’t met anyone (which was usually the case), I’d just feel more lonely and depressed than before. "

    This right here is exactly why I got off of those type of sites. For those dudes that can hop on them and meet someone within 5min, be f@#kin in 15min, and do it all over again in an hour, kudos to you but I personally never been that dude, and found that the pursuit of a dude and the subsequent "loss" was f@#kin with my head big time. So I jumped off of it. As far as people nowadays having few to no close confidants, that I think is a combo of many things, mainly more people are just not as trusting of other like people were decades ago. We live in a different time where people have NO problem what-so-ever in f#$kin someone over to get ahead.
     
  8. ControlledXaos

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    I look at like this... People enjoy one offs.

    I hear people saying that they had a good session with a dude on an app and then they don't ever hook up again unless its months or years later. And I wonder if the sex was good and both parties enjoyed it, what's the problem with a second or third round later? Sex actually can be a foundation for a relationship/something more. It happens. But is the thrill of the chase or just wanting another notch on the bed?

    For me it would be weird to be on an app, have some good chats over time and then see "thickbeard_muscmasc has been online for 37 minutes" and the mofo ain't even said "hello" to you or left a message in your box for when you did sign in.

    I get people juggling more than one at a time and I support that. But at the same time once I have made a good connection I don't feel like I need to spread my attention too thinly. Always being on The Hunt has to be exhausting and frustrating.

    As a person who wasn't able to make friendly connections earlier and every gay man I met was a potential Fbuddy or boyfriend, I think when we don't have good friends and platonic connections with any other gay men, it can harm us navigating the Gay Dating Wilderness and we get isolated. It may not be that we need to have sex but actually need male bonding that doesn't include it. The horniness, when you finally get close to another gay man, takes over when the opportunity presents itself. Thus blurring the lines and we don't make those connections we actually need. Hook-ups left me satisfied and empty at the same time. They definitely serve a purpose but I think emotionally most of us really want to more than just that.

    I don't know. Why not use that 2 hours improving yourself? Two hours a day on a dating app is an entire month of your life in one year.
     
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  9. @yahoo.com

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    Interesting... The one thing I can say is that we are becoming a less social society. I have been in clubs full of beautiful black men and the club was scattered with a lot of those people on Dating Apps, inside the club. I also find that when I am out, and I consider myself very social, when I find someone I want to talk to or may be interested in, they do not know how to engage in conversation. We have become a generation of phone dependent robots - and the dating apps are just one mechanism that supports that culture. If it is not the app, it is email, Facebook, IG, Etc. No one knows how to live in the moment of seeing flesh and blood in front of you and actively engage in getting to know that person.

    For LENt this year, I had the goal of deleting everything off my phone and just use my phone for calls and texting. It lasted for about a week before I was a wreck. ITs addicting and obviously are paying the price for this entertainment with our social health.
     
  10. Tyroc

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    I've tried the apps but with less success than other means, probably because I didn't put fourth as much effort at that point and looking back honestly, I don't find these apps to be any different in theory at least to the bars, clubs, party lines, AOL chat rooms, dating sites, etc. it's just an evolution of men turning to an alternative means of meeting each other because the odds favor finding one another easier for a number of reasons.
    I knew dudes who would be at the bar on their favorite stools night after night or those that had to put out $$$$ for phone book size phone bills because of the $1 a first minute and $75 for every minute after on the party lines and AOL chat rooms would never close with some dudes being online 24/7 and cruising used to be a favorite sport for some on the nightly hunt with the smell of off, lube and drakkar noir preceding them.
    Being on a phone just makes it easier and seems like it's more pervasive but if that were the case, I don't believe we'd have had as many sexually transmitted things that have affected people before using apps, cuz they caught it somehow and somewhere.

    As an extroverted introvert, I found a couple of those means an easy and for myself an effective way for meeting with and socializing with black not straight dudes.
    I personally never felt lonely after dating unless there was a one way connection that only I felt and that was rare because I've learned in life to just enjoy the experiences and go with the fun.
    I'm all about spending time with family and non gay friends and do it more than most that I've known but there are certain experiences and conversations that for my life, need to be segregated to and from certain parties.
    Trying to get back out there very recently, I'm only discounting gay bars, clubs and cruising as a means of meeting potentials.
     
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  11. BlackExcellence

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    2 hours a day? Shit. Myself I have Jack'd an Grindr but my usage has gone down. When i first got them a couple years ago I was kinda using them as a substitute for loneliness and expecting something substantive to come of them. I eventually got into a relationship which kinda broke the longings for a relationship and was off the apps for about a year. I've had them back for about 6 months and I use them pretty sparingly mainly if I'm in a new area and bored or if someone hits me up. I haven't seen a need to delete them because you never know what can come of em and they aren't an obsession.
     
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  12. Discordant

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    It's always crazy when my best friend pulls out his phone when we're out somewhere and it turns out he's chatting with someone on Jackd or Grindr who is literally in the same place we are. To me, if you can't have a conversation to my face, you're either hiding something (already in a relationship/currently with your boo/date at that moment) or you've got some other agenda or hang up that I don't want to be a part of. I don't use the apps mostly because I don't have the time or energy to sift through the "sups" and "What u trying to do" type messages, but it's very clear to me that society is changing for the worst when it comes to social interaction.
     
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