Seasoned Gays

Yeah this may not get too many responses...

@ockydub and myself have always represented the "elderly" voices on the site. Turns out, mostly young gay men seek advice, opinions and gay films on websites...

Unfortunately there are only a handful of ACTIVE guys in their late 30s even on the main site...Less than that in their 40s and probably only 1 or 2 in their 50s. Mind you, this relates to the ACTIVE guys, many men of various ages are lurkers.

I've yet to see a guy in his 60s participate, even on the Main Site. To be honest, I'm not even sure if I've seen that many black gay men in their 60s participate heavily on Facebook, let alone Cypher Avenue.

 

I'm pretty sure by 80 that most gays and non-gays have either settled down or are done with relationships. They probably don't feel they have they luxury of being choosy, unless they have some kind of assets that add to their appeal. You do hear about nursing home residents getting their freak on (and needing to practice safer sex according to this article).

nytimes.com/2014/01/19/opinion/sunday/emanuel-sex-and-the-single-senior.html?referer=&_r=0

Maybe an LGBT one would be like a microcosm of a gayborhood.

 

Once you and Ocky close in on 60, will you go offline and primarily socialize during one of your classy book club meetings or dinner parties, where you sip wine and nibble cheese while discussing social issues?

 

I'm still not understanding why dudes in Atlanta are late forties talmbout they single. To me, that's a red flag that someone is not compromising, looking for the wrong things, immature, or just don't know what a real relationship is.

Like you I just wonder what dating was back in the late 70s before HIV, how people dealt with the HIV peak and bleak of the 80s, how they feel about the ease of access of finding potential mates these days, how did they deal with coming to terms with their sexuality... I real want to know.

You may want to read or listen to the audio book of Sweet Tea @Michael if you have not already. It kinda gave me a good idea but I still like to know more.

 

The Evolution Atlanta Center has what they call Brothers Speak just like they have here in South Florida. I have met men in their 50s and 60s who've given me tons of relationship advice. They are married or in very long term relationships. One guy I met that is in his 60s but I swear to God he looks like he is 40 something and his body is TIGHT... anyway but he been with the same man for over 35 years. Go seek out men there. I know they met in ATL every Thursday I believe.

But one of the main things my mentors that are married and been together for 24 years now told me is to date for personality. Not solely for looks but I asked them similar questions like yourself to that older str8 guy. They really feel sad for "our gay generation".

 

Being one of the older members of this site, I thing we need to retrain our thinking about older gays. Men in their late 50's and above were not privy so social media in the way many of us were. So, it's not so much they have settled to sedentary life, it is more so that what many of us do is just not their thing. I know and see MANY older black gay men who are out and about in Chicago.

How we socialize can be and is very much a generational concept.

 

Rant ahead.

TL;DR: Who are you to judge when you know that being gay is not like being straight?

I think this is a stigma that not only many older gay men face but also straight men as well. Who says that just because you turn 40 or 50 that you're supposed to "settle down?" Is your life over at that point?

Its as if gay men view older gay men who are single in the same light as judgmental straight women once viewed older women who were single in the 1950's...as if they are spinsters or old maids...

I think many men need to remember that not everyone lived the life you lived. They were not Out and proud at 18 years old "living in their truth." I'm a child of the late 70s and 80s, we didn't have Cypher Avenue, Facebook, Gay Video Bloggers, Michael Sam, Jason Collins, Gay Web Series, Gay Marriage, etc... We lived and grew up in a VERY homophobic climate. So you have to remember that many gay men my age and older had a lot of pressure coming to terms with and declaring their homosexuality in their 20s, 30s, and even in their 40s. Added to that, many of us are Out but STILL too private or discreet to let others know we're on the market. So we have to go to clubs, sites and apps to find partners, casual or otherwise.

Some men had whole families before they finally were able to accept it and get into the dating scene. So when I see a 40+ year old man who is single, I don't wipe away my imaginary bangs and say, "Gurl, bye...he too old to still be dating, he lacks commitment." Whether he's now a hoe exploring his repressed sexuality or a good dude looking for a compatible match, I look at him and say its dope that he's comfortable with himself now.

Unlike straight people, us gay men don't have a lot of options for social functions. Especially for black men who don't live in big cities...Even more especially for black gay men since the white gays are often prejudicial and discourage us coming to their events. Oftentimes our parties end up being mixed with young and old because there just aren't many options for black gay men who want to go out on the town.

Lastly, I would remind people that the VAST MAJORITY of 40 and over people on OKCupid, Match dot Com, eHarmony and PlentyOfFish are Heterosexuals. I say that to say, your grandparents' anecdotal uninterrupted 50-year-relationship does not represent the reality of all human beings, straight or gay.

 

Yeah, what @Nick Delmacy said!

 

You mad, huh?

Let me add some context to my statement. Now I agree with and understand your point that everything isn't for everybody but I'm talking about a the dudes that stay on Cat Daddy Mode, but still say they are looking for someone to settle down with but are not doing anything that puts them on that path.

If being single is where you want to be, I'm supportive of that. Sometimes it's better to just be by yourself and set in your lane for some. Just own it if that's what you are doing: single and mingle.

 

But...in my opinion, straight people are exactly the same!

Maybe I'm just more social than many other gay people but I know just as many (if not more) gay couples in relationships 5 years or longer as straight couples in 5+ year relationships. And I also know just as many single gay men 25 - 45 years old as I do single straight men aged 25 - 45. Really the only differences are many of the long time straight couples have kids together and many more of the older single gay men are seen socializing with young gays for the reasons I stated above.

 

That's not what you stated bro...

Also, why doesn't compatibility come into play? Just because they are 40 and over they can't be selective or go through the normal dating process like their younger counterparts? What if they're over 40 and do everything right but they just keep finding incompatible people due to location, demographics or level of outness?

I think this is often a larger issue than just, "He's just a lowdown dog playing the field."

 

Yeah going to house parties and clubs for single people is not a good place to find/see black gay couples, lol. You live in Atlanta right? They're everywhere, especially movie theaters, Atlantic station, mexican restaurants (for the margaritas), all of Midtown... Hitting up the clubs to see black gay couples is like going to church to find an atheist.

 

Well I'm still waiting on my Future Cat Daddies of America package to arrive myself, I agree with you that there's many permanent single dudes and chicks who are straight in their late 30s+

Maybe it's because prior marriage(s) when they were younger didn't work out, they had out of wedlock kids and the relationship didn't work out, they literally couldn't find anyone worth their time, etc the list goes on.

Maybe with straight people, there's "evidence" they were in prior relationship either because they are now divorced or have kids. Gays haven't had that long enough. If I didn't tell anyone, no one would know that I had exs boyfriends, a relationship that lasted longer than a lot of hetero marriages, or what I was looking for male or female. So it can "look" as if some of these guys haven't tried to form long term relationships when they very well could have. Something forum me to consider now as I type this.

I don't know.... It's frustrating to me to hear these black gay men talk about how they are looking for companionship monogamously but are not putting forth any effort.

Now on finna put my Cat Daddie pack tracking number in this here Google and get the eta on it.

 

True...and maybe I'm more senstive to these brothers because since we started Discreet City/Cypher Avenue I've heard countless stories from men of all ages who struggled with just being gay for a long time, let alone the newness of dating men. Once they finally start seriously dating, some men are quick to put handcuffs on the first thing with a swinging dick who shows them interest, others are def more selective for various reasons.

I do agree that the overly superficial men are kinda full of shit...but if they're cool with being single until they find that "perfect" man, so be it...I wish them luck in that hunt.

 

I could easily apply this to heterosexual couples seen out in public as well...that's what I'm saying...

 

Yeah not this site, maybe on white gay sites...they tend to be more active online...but I do think finding men online, gay or straight, in their 70s and 80s is a stretch.

 

Well since we don't have ppl born before 1945 on the site to answer your question, let me ask why the question was asked...you seem to be a handsome, intelligent young dude in his 20s who's still single but doesn't want to be, do you feel that technology has hindered your dating opportunities and experiences and you wonder if it was easier back in the day?

 

This tangent tho....

I don't think that people are lowdown dogs cause they have graying pubes and Taco meat but wanna be single. There's nothing wrong with that.

There's nothing wrong with being older and not looking for anything serious. If your life is all good and you haven't thing's wherever you want to be and you're 55 with a stack of AARP mags, now you are sharing your life and house with someone else while you have had everything set just so is asking a lot of a person, gay or straight.

But anyway... You are right. For me I think compatibility is highly weighted with attractiveness when its comes to being in a relationship with someone. Not as attractive dudes who can carry conversation and make me laugh and I can be myself around out weight an airhead instagram trap who can't carry a conversation in a Dixie cup. But dismissing what's potentially compatible because someone doesn't have a bachelor's or drives a Cressida is superficial.

I don't think everyone should walk the same path, Yusef for example. So he'll be one of those who if his goal is to have a LTR with a man will have to give throughout all the Ups and downs of that and living in his new found freedom of not hiding. I definitely would not expect him to find true love's kiss in the next 4 years.

 

My bad for making that assumption, figured that's why you were asking...no offense or snark intended. We have tons of perpetually single Squad Members here.

 

Yeah I agree with a lot of this...but I would push back on the idea that we were discussing older men that want to be single and date casually. I know tons of gay men who prefer to be in a relationship yet they are still singe for valid reasons outside of superficiality. I've mentioned this to @ockydub many times that sometimes when men have been in relationships a long time they seem to forget what it was like to be single. Shit ain't as easy as just dating and magically meeting Mr Compatible merely because you put yourself out there.

Just my two cents as someone who's actually both older and single who still knows what's its like to be out on the front lines of dating.