What's w the Time Quotas Before Meeting??

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by SB3, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    My question is, what is it w the amount of time so many guys seem to need before meeting someone from an app/site in person, non-sexually? Like, I don't get the extreme apprehension many have when it comes to meeting someone for a drink or some wings, yet the same 2 ppl would be down to arrange a hookup in under 10 mins.

    So, @Nick Delmacy did a thread asking if it's ok to ask if someone is masc or fem on the apps, and @Cyrus-Brooks said something about the fact that because so many guys lie online, you're gonna have to do extra detective work and investigating before deciding to meet up w the dude. I know a lot of guys think this way, but I don't understand it.

    Don't get me wrong, I've been duped, bamboozled, hoodwinked, and catfished a time or two. However, as someone who never spent a significant amt of time on the apps, I can't say I've ever had any crazy stalker type situations. The part I don't understand is what ppl feel like they have to lose if the person IS faking the funk. If they purposely mislead you, that's a sign of the person they are, so you're well within your rights to say deuces and leave. 9/10 he's not 'the killer' who's gonna do you in, in the middle of the public space you meet in. Why is there a need to find out this dude's FB, IG, and SS# before simply meeting up? Where is the danger? People get hired faster than it can take 2 dudes to meet up.

    What say yous? What do you guys think keeps the feeding this apprehension?

    @Cyrus-Brooks @ControlledXaos @DreG @OckyDub @Nick Delmacy @Lean Lantern @Infinite_loop @itsumoconfused @BlackguyExecutive @acessential @Omega Level @African King @Sean P @Jai @RolandG @ColumbusGuy @machoBLKnerd @NikR @mojoreece @Juan-Carlos @Artistic Arsonist @Dante @takeyourmeds91 @LeoBlack22 @DFW Brutha @sekou @Aejae
     
  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub Fair Use Nigga....Fair Use
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  3. DreG

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    It's one of those situations where things are a bigger deal in your head when it's still abstract and your imagination is over analyzing every possible variable. O guess if you've had disastrous meetings before,that might make you apprehensive in the future .
     
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  4. Sean P

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    Since I'm not on the apps, the fucked up crazy dudes I've met have been in person.

    If dudes are vibin' on an app and would be willing to hook-up without hesitation, why wait to meet if there could be more to explore than a simple hit and run? For many gays, sex ain't but a thing. Yet, the possibility of pursuing something more requires approaching the situation with caution. kobeb Yet, if dudes are crazy and unstable, they can only hold it together for about 90 days. Why not get in there and find out whether the crazy rises to the surface immediately and save some time? IJS
     
    #4 Sean P, Jan 7, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
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  5. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    Azzhole
     
  6. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    Lol @ the 90 day probation period
     
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  7. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
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    Ijs, how many mssgs are we gonna exchange down to the tinder (w my alerts working like once a week)?! If I want a penpal who isnt available anytime soon Ima join prisonpenpals.com and write one of these fine azz mofos from Lockup: Raw!
     
  8. NikR

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    I suspect the real reason for the time quota before a first meeting is simple- people think that the time used is a sunk cost, an investment, and once the other party is invested, that person is less likely to stand them up, be cruel, or simply walk away. After all, they've already put sooooo much effort in, are you really gonna just walk away?

    In general, it's a good strategy. Unfortunately, it doesn't take into consideration people like me, who are not sentimental and really value their time. Sunk costs? I don't believe in them, since I don't believe they allow for growth and evolution of relationships. I'm always amazed when people stay in contact with exes, former friends, or malignant parents because of some strange idea of "history". Fuck history. Embrace health.

    So, if you wanna meet, just meet dammit. Rip the bandaid off. Be explicit about what you need. Mean what you say. Don't beat around the damn bush. Uggh I hate the inefficiency of it all.
     
  9. SB3

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    That second half of your post was 100!

    But see, I'm the put up or shut up type. I'm gonna fizzle out on all of the back and forth. ESPECIALLY if it's thru a damn app. First, we can't just text because ur scared I'm gonna kill you thru the phone, then once u get my background check results and we finally swap numbers, there's another round of phone interviews before we can go eat pizza?!?!
     
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  10. SB3

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    I'd think that if someone was this reluctant for too damn long that they're trying to loop me in emotionally, becase they're catish, and they're hoping that I'll overlook some shyt now that we been talkin for 6 damn months.

    Like, a friend of mine told me about how a dude he was talking to just casually failed to disclose that he was paraplegic. Not that being in a wheel chair is a deal breaker, but it's not the kind of thing you just fail to disclose, as if ANY length of time spent on the phone is gonna erase the need for this big, pink azz conversation.
     
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  11. ColumbusGuy

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    There is a different urge driving 'hookups that take ten minutes to arrange' and 'something more that is not sexually related'. With non-sexual meetings there is more involved and no lusty libido driving past the worry. Lust and desire are powerful motivators and cloud judgement and reason. The drive is an irrational urge.

    Meeting someone to get to know them involves thought and without the supercharged fuel of sexual desire, doubts come in-because there is actually more at stake-easier to brush off a failed hookup(and look for the next one) than it is too brush off being rejected not so much because you may not fit someone's weird sex list requirement, but more because of who they perceive you to actually be as a person.

    Why do many people mislead?-because they have doubts and insecurities about themselves and want to come off well, and don't want to be rejected. Then if they have 'gone overboard', they face a reckoning when it comes time to meet face to face.

    I don't think it is all so 'dark' and 'plotted' so many times as it is just people being insecure about themselves. As gay men growing up we have all been shamed and taught self-hate(and you all much more with race) and it lingers in us unfortunately, some more than others. And yeah because of this, there are many more fucked up crazy gay men than there are straight. But we have no compassion for one another.

    They may be afraid of people like you...that they are not good enough(we all know what you look like dude and you not afraid to show a pic and are a catch) so they may not be so honest, and then they are afraid of the reaction too-instant 'deuces'. JMHO


    * I also love how when ever people talk about 'crazies' and all...they have never ever ever been the 'crazy' one themselves. Nobody. Ever. Funny about that.

    :evilkermit:


    If everyone is perfect and innocent, then who can be guilty?
    100dap


    *I can only imagine what the 'wheelchair guy' has been though given how cruel and thoughtless so many people can be. He probably failed to disclose it because he might have actually had the false hope that someone would not judge him so harshly if they actually got to know who he was as a person, what he thought, his sense of humor, his personality. I can imagine how so many people would find it a 'bother' to just befriend someone who is paraplegic, given how quick gay men are to judge and toss away each other like a fast food wrapper. I shudder to think of the uncivil behavior from others this man has been subjected to.


    I just like to get it out of the way-I am 55, overweight, out of shape, former pretty decent looks pretty much a memory now, life is in the shitter right now and has been for some time but I have not given up quite just yet...because I really don't expect shit from gay men anymore. If I do anything to reach out to people it will be over shared ideas and hobbies and interests-and not limited to the particularly shallow pool of people that comprises 'gay men'.

    JMHO (since @SB3 does tag me in these things)
     
    #11 ColumbusGuy, Jan 8, 2018
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2018
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  12. machoBLKnerd

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    this is a very thoughtful reflection. thank you.

     
    #12 machoBLKnerd, Jan 8, 2018
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  13. machoBLKnerd

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    respectfully, if you experience others as reluctant to meet, might they simultaneously experience you as impulsive or rushing to meet? humans that we are, we tend to interpret obstacles by how they inconvenience us, but that also means we're inclined to see the other person as the issue rather than taking a more objective stance. in other words, maybe it's just two ppl who, having had two different life experiences, have different needs or norms for mtg up. not a negative or positive, just different.

    i've learned everyone is navigating their unique combo of variables that determine how they interact, including fear of disappointment, insecurity, optimism, desired level of discretion, thirst, loneliness, etc. this means none of us wants exactly the same thing at the same time. i don't expect that just b/c i want to meet that the other person has to want the same. what i will expect, should there be interest, is that the person is willing to negotiate, as am i, to find a middle ground btwn what each of us wants. but in this age of microwave experiences, that can be very difficult for a lot of ppl.
     
    #13 machoBLKnerd, Jan 8, 2018
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  14. OckyDub

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  15. SB3

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    I feel like all of that is implied. There are always going to be factors for any equation. However, I only see this issue among gay men. More specifically, black gay men. As someone who only started building friendships w other gay men in the last few years, I have and still continue to find myself in a lot of straight circles. In all of my years, I have yet to hear a straight friend be like, 'he/she is avoiding/thirsty to meet'. No I'm not comparing the roads travelled, gay vs str8 edition. However, the coddling and excuses given to/for the same mofos constantly complaining is nauseating and I just get sooo tired of gay men constantly attempting to redefine EVERY.DAMN.THING. because of personal baggage.

    Nick had a status a cpl weeks ago abt a dude who likes/shares all of his social media posts, but wont meet up w him. From what I gathered, that wasn't even pertaining to dating platforms, yet (I could be wrong) I don't recall anyone's explanation for it being abt that guys past experiences, level of discretion, insecurities, his bad knees, or his sick mama.

    Take yalls friend @OckyDub. You have made your distrust of gay men clear, and based on many of the experiences you've shared in different podcasts, I can understand the walls. However, if you weren't in a relationship for the past x years, how do you think you'd have navigated the social/dating landscape over that time? That's a serious question if you'd care to actually chime in. No pressure.

    We complain about the microwave world we live in, and how desensitized ppl have become due to the fact that all you have to do is keep swiping, yet that microwave is great when we want to investigate someone before deciding if basic human interaction is ok, based on their FB, IG, TWITTER, KIK and ______ profiles.
     
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  16. OckyDub

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    Years 1 - 3
    I think in my loneliness and desperation I would've annoyingly used apps and would've given up on them by now.

    Years 3 - 6
    Through continued desperation, I would've used Cypher Ave in some way to possible meet dates but then felt bad because I would personally feel it would be some weird 'abuse of power'. This would be before I got burned by a masc leaning Cypher Ave member who was messy af and put my personal business out in them streets.

    Years 6 - current
    I would've used all my free time not dating, bettering myself and would've achieved a level of "undatableness". I would have an 8 pac, 6 figure bank account and my masturbatory skills would be God-Omega-Icon level.

    [​IMG]
     
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  17. ColumbusGuy

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    I hate the idea of 'investigating people'. WTF? ASK them the things you want to know, and if things don't seem right, then maybe a criminal background check or stuff lol.

    I had a friend(long time from high school, used to be my best friend), and he could not locate me(I am not on social media and I had moved with new phone #'s) so he 'investigated me'-one of those things you pay for. He found out all of this stuff, and he came in from NYC where he lives now and used some of that stuff to mock me in subtle ways-especially financial stuff since he makes over 100K now. I have never met or responded to him again-and that was nine years ago. The friendship is DEAD. What an invasion of privacy that was to me. He could have just found the address and #, but he pried and used the info against me.

    I would always just ASK people things first. Althought with you and your 'killer shows' I can see that rubbing off into 'investigative behavior'
    :evilkermit:

    You specified 'black gay men' so I will modify this with saying I am not familiar with dating/hookups with black men in the digital(social media) age really, so things may be different so that may play a part. There are things I don't know, so you may be more on point than I realize. I just don't know about that. You come across as very confident(serial killers often do LMAO) and that may cause people to be a little skittish too.

    :troll:
    This may be important, as you don't have any experience with things with gay men before the very worst of the social media crap hit. I have met people online, yeah and hooked up, but it was in the beginning more with the internet and not so much the last 10 years when particularly social media exploded. I have little if any experience with that, so I can only guestimate about it. And my guestimate tells me to stay the hell away from it.

    Aren't there places where masc gay black men go... or are so many discreet/closeted/DL that these places are few and far between if they exist at all?? It does seem harder I will admit so I will give black gay men more of a break. White gay men, not so much.

    I hope you find someone somehow, you are too good of a catch to be single. lol. although, there is not a damn thing wrong with people being single and living single. Not a damn thing. Either single or partnered can lead to a very satisfying life. It depends on how you handle either of them.
    100dap
     
  18. Cyrus-Brooks

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    I don't think there is a time limit per se. My view is that you should have online conversations, phone conversations first or even video chat. You can get a good sense after that wether or not you want to meet someone IRL. Also when meeting people from there internet you just have to accept that there is a level of risk that you're not gonna vibe with the person or you're gonna get catfished at some point. Risk is a part of life.
     
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  19. Omega Level

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    There is no time quota and dudes need to just get over themselves with that shit. Let me explain.

    The same shit that can happen to you meeting up with someone within a week, can happen to you meeting with said person within a month. Yes, you may have developed more of a rapport with someone you chatted with all month but once you meet them in person and something is off than you wasted a whole month becoming "app friends" and now you ghosting them.

    I feel if the conversation and vibe is right over the app thing, I have no probs planning a meet up with you and seeing wassup. Like you said
    I had a drink date with someone years ago after chatting with him through an app for a few weeks. Very attractive and great conversation on the app. But when I met him in person he came across as very condescending and egocentric including very pretentious. For some reason I couldn't pick it up in the app when I chatted with him. So after drink number two I simply said, "Cool finally meeting you, but I don't think we really vibe with each other in person like we did over the app''. He agreed as well.

    Never saw him again, but it didn't deter me from meeting others in that fashion and more specifically meeting them pretty soon to see wassup and not prolong what isn't meant to be in the first place.
     
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  20. Mrmack8913

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    I completely agree with all of this. A lot of the time gays give ourselves and each other a million and one excuses as to why we bullshit when it comes to meet ups. Honestly sometimes is just best to simply go dive in and see what happens. Hence why I try to meet as soon as possible barring schedules of course. Yes our past experiences with shame and self hate can hinder us socially but at a certain point it can become a crutch for trash behavior and habits. Its funny because like you said (and this isn't to put straights on a pedestal) your straight friends don't get up in arms about somebody wanting to meet. It either happens or it doesn't. I chalk that up to how we can befriend each other and also be potential sexual partners and how complex and maddening it can be to navigate.

    Hell I still have issues just trying to befriend guys in my area because they act so damn funny so I jus stick to my straight friends. And then its 10000x more difficult to make friends once you graduate and head into full adulthood. I came out well after high school and college and it seems like alot of the guys in my city came up gay together and im totally out the loop because they're really cliquish. Most dudes act like they simply can't be bothered unless you gonna smash.

    And the last point about microwave culture is so on point. Its truly a double edged sword. I'd be lying if I said I don't investigate social media. Helps me sift through the foolishness more easily.
     
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  21. SB3

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    Yea, I just refuse to cosign this checklist that needs to be completed before gay men are willing to take meeting up in person off of the top shelf. Shyt is ridiculous. Y'all met and realized it wasn't a match and no one died.
     
  22. SB3

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    Because I know how to be a serial killer, I'm not worried, so I don't investigate ppl. I'm barely on social media myself, so I don't care enough about who ur FB friends are.

    And I specified BLK gay men because those are the men who I interact with most. Blk and Latino. As you know, your cousins don't date 'outside of the box' too often.
     
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  23. ColumbusGuy

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    Yeah I get it. It is sad really and the current 'climate' of the nation is not helping one damn bit. Glad to see you respond. 100dap

    *I can also see how you are a very direct person and that in and of itself will lead to frustration with those who are not, and that is ok of course-you have to be yourself first and if you need people who are direct as well, then that is what you need. Better to be open and honest with yourself about things like that-which appears to be the case here actually when I think about it.


    * I tend to get too sensitive about some of this stuff I will admit also. I guess the thing about my friend was really not just with him getting the info, but with him using it as a cudgel against me-that let me know this 'friend' was no longer a friend and would never again be a friend.
     
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