Are black gay men capable of having genuine committed friendships?

Discussion in 'Group Discussions' started by Nigerian Prince, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. Nigerian Prince

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    Are black gay men capable of having genuine committed friendships?

    If not, why not?

    • What constitutes a “best friend” relationship, vs a non-best friend relationship?

    • Is the concept of friendship distorted within the gay community? Is it platonic, emotional, sexual or all of the above?

    • Can a man have a meaningful relationship in a casual friendship?
    Definition: Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association.

    Quotes:

    Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity. Khalil Gibran

    “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Elbert Hubbard

    “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

    Friendship is like standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it's to leave, and you can never go without leaving your footprints behind. Moi

    The glory of friendship is not in the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is in the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him. Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) U.S. poet, essayist and lecturer.

    Friends are the family you choose – Jess C. Scott
     
  2. Nick Delmacy

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    I think having friends in the gay community is not hard at all. Just look at the shear amount of guys out there saying "Friends First" when they're looking for dates and then remaining friends with each other long after they have broken up.

    Also, as evidenced in the What's Your Type thread, many gay men are superficial (or at the very least have high physical standards) so by default many dudes get place in the Friend Zone category when meeting each other.

    I don't think Gay Friends are any more or less genuine than Heterosexual friends. It all depends on the needs of both parties and work/effort put in to maintain these friendships.
     
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  3. Nigerian Prince

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    I absolutely agree. I have made a good gay friend out here and we genuinely like each other as friends. So cool. I hope we both keep putting in the work to make our relationship with each other grow.
     
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  4. Discordant

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    I have a few guys I'd genuinely call friends and a several more who are great associates. I think it all depends on the maturity of the individuals and the mutual interests and trajectories your lives take, just like with any other friendship. I'm also good at separating friends from "potential mates" and make it clear where people stand with me, so it helps eliminate confusion and drama.
     
  5. ControlledXaos

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    I think as long as the intentions are where they need to be, the platonic friend zone is possible with gay men. Too often guys befriend guys they want to screw. It happened to me before where I saw friendship and he saw a potential hook up. I think we need to make our intentions clear but not so much to the point of beating it Other the other party's head that it's "only" friendship.

    The way some guys are you'd think they have no self control even if they do have attractive friends.
     
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  6. BlackguyExecutive

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    I think the problem is that we use the word friendship too loosely in these modern times. For most of us, we have a few close friends or a best friend and the vast majority are associate friends. People you run into but you can't rely on them. I think friendships start to mean something more when you are out of the partying club stage....I look to my friends now as sources of stability, men and a few lesbians that I can really count on. My friendship circle is small. My associate circle is larger and the rest fall into the acquaintance category.

    I use to be part of this large group of gay men (and a few lesbians) who all hungout together, who set up mini dates and outings and Sunday Brunches. This group was mostly made up of couples and a sprinkling of singletons. The beauty of our friendship was that most of us were came to the group already in a relationship of some kind, so the idea of forming a more than friendship was out the window. I have found now that I am about to cross that threshold into my thirties....I don't really care for the large group setting anymore or the weekly dinner parties and Sunday brunch.

    My gay best friend and I have a very close but strictly platonic relationship...it helps that we are not like each other's types but we click because we have similar personalities....we were actually born 2 days apart, #TeamCapricorns. We have never come close to do anything with each other....but we been rolling together since we were Boy Scouts. I always hate the narrative that gay men put sex above everything else and that we lack some inherent self control at the sight of other men and that men cannot be friends for friends sake. My two honest-to-god bestfriends are straight men that I went to college with - they probably get more flack for being friends with me versus me being friends with them - we are bestfriends is every sense of the phrase.
     
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  7. Nigerian Prince

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    Yeah I agree. Just be clear from the start! We are all adults!
     
  8. Nigerian Prince

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    That's amazing. Yeah my friend circle is very small and my associate circle is pretty large.

    As far as gay (associate) friends I have, I really only know them off of Cypher Avenue. But I think it is great that we all get along and enjoy the conversations we have with each other. I met a black gay/bi dude out here in South Florida at Pride Center Florida and we are establishing a great platonic friendship that I hope builds into something substantial where we can support each other as friends because we just click with each other.
     
  9. derrick-gordon-12327

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    This may be cold of my to say, but i think a gay guy would have to be ugly for me to be friends with him. Either that, or I would have to be in a relationship before we become friends.
     
  10. Nigerian Prince

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    LOL damn! I've met many black gay men from Cypher Avenue that are handsome but I know where to draw the line. Everything is strictly platonic and I am happy it is that way. Some are single and some are in relationships but I do enjoy the platonic relationships we share.
     
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  11. ControlledXaos

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    This goes back to my comment above. Everyone you meet/see who you are also attracted to are not always meant to be potential mates/screw buddies.

    This. There's some hot as hell members of this board and I can't lie I'd probably push up on some of them if they were local but the ones that I have met so far I value the friendship more I'd never want to do anything that changed that.... Now some of these ones I only met once or twice.... Lol
     
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  12. keith

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    YES, gay men are capable of having committed platonic friendships. I've got about 5 that are almost 20 years old at this point and a few more that are going on 10.

    For me, a "best" friend is almost a literal interpretation: someone who is there for you to laugh, cry and be completely naked with. Emotionally, I mean. Someone who knows the ugly and still sees your worth - perhaps more than you do. Not sure what you mean by "non-best friend".

    YES, friendship among gay men can have roots in the platonic as well as formerly sexual. This IS tricky because less evolved folk can have a hard time with this thus distorting the common ideas of friendship. I have platonic friends as well as friends who are exes and a friend or two who may have (to protect identity, lol) an unrequited feeling or two. In each case, both parties are clear on what defines friendship and hold that dear to our hearts so crossing the line isn't an option. I have an ex who swore that we would be friends but his latest partner was VERY uncomfortable with that although our friendship was out in the open so to speak. As a result we don't speak anymore. I was a little disappointed in my ex because he never displayed that kind of weakness when we were dating. But life goes on....
     
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  13. ControlledXaos

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  14. keith

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    @ControlledXaos: Oh, the door is open. I was just disappointed because he would never bend his will before he met this guy. It was unexpected, I guess. We were together for 10 years...
     
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  15. mysticalsoul

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    I think friendships are possible in the gay community is in any other group. The only thing is the difficulty of building a friendship while involving sex in it. That's the number one problem. A friendship has to have more substance. Anybody can get off, but can everybody be a friend? It takes more work to build. Once the sex happens. its a slim to none chance of building a friendship. Now a lustship lol or getting caught in the senses(hookup) might be what it is but its not a friendship. Jus my opinion on it
     
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