Not Wanting Sex in a Sex-Crazed World

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by OckyDub, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    Do asexuals read romance novels? Watch pornography? Read stories with oversexualized, click-bait headlines? These are the kinds of mysteries that even a devoted fan of the famously sexless Sherlock Holmes would love to have investigated. And though it may not be elementary, dear Reader, thanks to a decade’s worth of new research into asexuality, we no longer need a Sherlock Holmes to deduce the answers.

    In a new review article and in his recent book Understanding Asexuality, Anthony Bogaert, a psychology professor at Brock University and a leading authority on asexuality, goes over some of the key insights scientists recently have learned on the subject, including why asexuality is so important for understanding the broader spectrum of human sexual behavior. Bogaert defines asexuality simply as “a lack of sexual attraction” or “lustful inclinations” toward others, and estimates:

    *About 1% of the general population is asexual. By way of comparison, about

    *About 1.6% of Americans identify as gay or lesbian, according to one recent survey.


    And humans are hardly alone in the animal kingdom when it comes to sexual variability: Researchers, for example, often classify lab rodents as being “studs” or “duds” according to their levels of sexual interest.

    “Duds,” however, is a serious misnomer when it comes to asexuals. Their equipment works just as well as anyone else’s does. They do, however, demonstrate lower levels of sexual desire. “As one might expect,” Bogaert tells OZY, “asexual people fantasize at a lower rate than sexual people. Indeed, a significant percentage have never fantasized.”

    More research on masturbating asexuals is required. Those poor souls.

    Masturbation is thus an important activity (how long have you waited to hear those words?) for understanding the variation among asexuals, and a significant number of asexuals do masturbate. It’s just that there is, says Bogaert, “sometimes a disconnect between themselves and the people in their fantasies,” and many asexuals masturbate more for release or, in some cases, because they are attracted to themselves (a phenomenon known as automonosexualism). More research on masturbating asexuals is required. Those poor souls.

    And on the subject of souls: While celibacy has been praised as a virtue in many religious and cultural traditions, asexuality often still gets labeled as a disorder today. The truth, according to sex researchers like Bogaert, is quite the opposite: Asexuals typically demonstrate neither any disability nor any distress from their condition. Something which, in some ways, makes them a fine control group for diagnosing the distresses, risky behaviors and temporary insanity that can afflict those of us in another group: the sexualized majority.

    Another somewhat unexpected finding is that many asexuals do want romantic relationships. “They want many of the nonsexual aspects of a relationship,” says Lori Brotto, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of British Columbia, “which often includes physical activity like cuddling and intimacy, but it is not connected at all to feelings of wanting sex.” Indeed, next to the romantic comedy, asexuality research has probably done the most for decoupling romance and sex, which some neuroscience studies now suggest are the product of different processes in the brain. And in a realm of science focused largely on couplings, it is such decouplings that make research on asexuality so important.

    In “Silver Blaze,” Sherlock Holmes solves the disappearance of a famous racehorse by observing the dog that didn’t bark. Today’s science detectives similarly hope that answers to some of the mysteries of human sexuality can be gleaned from paying more attention to the dog that didn’t f*ck.
     
  2. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
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    *About 1.6% of Americans identify as gay or lesbian, according to one recent survey

    There was some bullshit going down in this damn 2014 survey.
    :ravetho:
     
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  3. Tyroc

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    As someone who did a 180 in the sexin' department I can kind of relate when it comes to be able to exist without it but I find it difficult to comprehend a complete "lack of sexual attraction" or "lustful inclinations".
     
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  4. cypher21

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    I've said this before but I'm somewhat envious of Asexuals in the sense that they aren't swayed or feel pressure to fulfill that kind of desire, I imagine it could be quite freeing and prevents a good deal of mistakes and heartache. One thing I recently learned was that they do desire romantic relationships, companionship, so its not like they're complete robots. If I could be that way I would but of course sexuality doesn't work that way.
     
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  5. alton

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    I'm not a feign for sex as it is (going on 2+ years w/out it) but after receiving the news day before yesterday that my cousin, one of the most sexually careful people I know, was diagnosed as HIV positive, I think Asexuality and chronic masturbation will be the continued choice for me. smh. I would love to dig somebody the f#$k out right about now, but nah...I'll pass on that.
     
  6. ColumbusGuy

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    Damn! I am sorry to hear that about your cousin. I hope they have the resources and everything necessary for medications. I am so lucky I did not get it really when I think about it-I did not do the most dangerous things but I did a lot of things that were 'not as unsafe' but still a bit risky. Does your cousin have a good support system?

    I still can't help but react the same way I always have even though there is a very different prognosis for HIV infection now. The fear of it and the 'original feelings' that come with hearing about it just has not changed for me. My mind says one thing, but my emotions react in a totally different way still.

    I am at five years without at the beginning of this month and I do not foresee any change in that anytime. I kind of think I have had enough sexual activity for an entire lifetime anyway(and much of it not in the best of circumstances) that I feel I just may have burned out of it and am just done with it. It is so hard to trust anyone anyway.
     
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  7. ColumbusGuy

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    I gotta agree with you 100dapon this one. That survey is some bullshit all right.
     
  8. alton

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    Yeah, he's doing fine. The f#%ked up part is he found out because he started feeling sick and had trouble breathing, went to the hospital and they found he had PCP Pneumonia. Luckily he has excellent insurance and he should be leaving the hospital today, actually. We had a talk and he's cool. He has a very good support system within the family and he's not one to get depressed about things, so he's aight.

    Although I've never been a "Man Whore" I have, like many others, done some stupid shit in my past and was lucky enough to escape unharmed. Nowadays its almost like it's not "If" you're gonna catch it but "When". People need to think about it, even w/out having full on intercourse, if someone skeets on you and you just happen to have a scratch on that spot, or a dude busts off on your face and you have pimples and you just absentmindly scratched one open, thats damn near the same thing as letting them pop off inside you. There's just too (IMO) many factors. I'll just stick with porn, I have enough on my mind with my lungs to be adding HIV on top of that. smh
     
    #8 alton, Apr 8, 2016
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2016
  9. ColumbusGuy

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    Well I am glad to hear he has a good support system and is getting out of the hospital-but what a horrible way to find out. He sounds like a strong person which is also good. I could not take something like that in my life right now. I am at a pretty weak point and I need to try and keep disruptions to a minimum and that would be very very tough for me.

    Actually that is another thing-I don't want sex because I don't want it outside of something meaningful now-and I am in no way shape or form emotionally or even financially ready to be getting close to anyone in that way.

    Also glad he is not one to get depressed-that will really help him out.

    This is scary still to me-the first person I knew who got sick with AIDS was in a group discussion I was in(like an encounter group type thing) in 1987, and he had a terrible time breathing and it was like something I had never seen before but he just tried to brush it off as nothing. He had PCP Pneumonia and he ended up being taken by someone to the hospital. He was a nice guy who worked at a florist shop close to where I lived and gave me free stuff sometimes. He did not make it to 1990. Just hearing about that pneumonia just brings my right back to that chair I was in-sitting right next to him...and the confusion and concern and fear I had when he was just desperately trying to breathe.

    Thankfully they have treatments now, and from what I saw somewhere, maybe even a cure in a few years. That would really be something to celebrate.
     
  10. Tyroc

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    @alton @cypher21
    I know I'm a hypocrite being in the 9 going on 10 year celibate zone but I gotta say the other side of the equation is you're both young, good looking dudes and tomorrow isn't promised to anyone.
    Don't deny yourself what could be if it comes along because of what if's.
     
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  11. takeyourmeds91

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    Lol, it's not quite the same thing. It's much harder to contract the virus in those particular cases than letting someone pop off inside you plus they're are many other factors that play a role in contraction. Definitely not saying the risk is 0 but on a scale of 1-10. Those would be like a 3 compared to a 9.

    Plus there's PEP treatment if you've think you've been exposed after the fact within 1-2 day window and then there's PrEP which I'm sure you've heard of. Not trying to sway you one way or another bc it's definitely your choice to mess with whomever but just wanted to put some things into context for the readers.

    Furthermore, nobody's busting on my face...lmao
     
    #11 takeyourmeds91, May 4, 2016
    Last edited: May 4, 2016
  12. GNerd2012

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    The statistics on who is gay/bi/lesbian/etc have always been faulty in my opinion. When you consider all of the other uncontrolled variables surrounding those studies, it makes the final results appear suspicious.
    Anyway, I am considering asexuality because having sexual desires yields no benefits in their fulfillment other than satisfying a hedonistic mission. The reward of sex is nothing more than a few seconds of pleasure, while the negative consequences outweigh that on the imaginary scale. The only time sex can have the reward outweigh the negatives is PLANNED pregnancy. Other than that, there is truthfully no need for it.
    Sexual energy can be transferred into more productive energy such as accomplishing a task, working on a hobby, etc. Once I take my mind out of the matrix, I will see myself becoming a stronger man.
     
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  13. Winston Smith

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    It's great to see I'm not the only one that doesn't think the be-all, end-all of life is five hook-ups a day through [insert name of thirst-related app of choice]. I just had a conversation about this subject with a friend (also SGL) that's a therapist. Since he's been out all his life, he's always pushing me to "make up for lost time" and be all over Grindr, Jackd, etc. As a retort, I cited one of his fellow brain-biz folk, Oliver Sacks. Sacks went celibate for 37 years and what did he accomplish? Medical best-sellers, a film biography of his life starring Robin Williams and Robert DeNiro, and accolades as the greatest neurologist of the last 100 years.

    I'm not saying I want be in the dirty-deed-desert as long as Sacks, but you are right about the "few minutes of pleasure" (I added some time for ego's sake) and the risks. Hell, after the nut, you still got 23 - 24 hours left in the day. If a person can't fill the time with other relationships and pursuits, that person's gonna be in for a world of medical and psychological hurt.
     
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  14. GNerd2012

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    Exactly. There is so much more to life, and sex just seems to be one of those things that just interferes with more important tasks. I look at sex like playing video games. It may provide a great temporary thrill, but after all that time, nothing was really accomplished.
    I never heard of Oliver Sacks, I need to research that man. Hearing a man go celibate is a rarity. I'm so used to women proclaiming celibacy due to religious reasons.
     
  15. ControlledXaos

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    Sex is more than that though. That's like saying that there no reason to eat chocolate/pizza/[insert decadent food here ] because one can live off unsalted boiled chicken, potatoes, lettuce and water.

    Sex has layers. Like intimacy. I like being held and to hold some one. I like kissing, I like touching and being touched. But Also I'm not one to make penetration a requirement. So sex to me doesn't have to involve thrusting into an orifice. Hell I don't even have to have an orgasm. A hot make out session with my clothes on is good.

    However I do understand where you are coming from. And when I last loaded up an app, it all seemed like people were trying to get right to the screwing "if I'm on, I'm ready now". And that's a turn off to me. I definitely have booked up before but where I am right now I would rather have some kind of connection with someone.
     
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  16. alton

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    ""if I'm on, I'm ready now". And that's a turn off to me. I definitely have booked up before but where I am right now I would rather have some kind of connection with someone."

    I agree wholeheartedly with everything you mentioned but this hits home. Like damn, dude...can we chit chat and laugh about a few Family Guy and American Dad episodes first? In my younger days I can say, although I was never a "Ho", my end goal was pretty much to "seal the deal" and do it as quick as possible, but as I've gotten older I appreciate the build up a lot more. Yet another reason I've fallen back from the dating game.

    As far as being able to focus sexual energy on more productive things, I agree with that sentiment as well. Although Im celibate at the moment, I (admittedly) j/o a LOT. But there's a LOT of times where I'm in the middle of the act thinking..."My n!kka. REALLY?! You could be at the gym right now, or finishin' up an art project and makin' some loot, or re-arranging your house. WTF man?!" smh
     
  17. Michael

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    I find asexuality to be very interesting because it can take out the all too common confusion that sex brings into relationships especially in the gay community. I wouldn't say that I am asexual, but I definitely wouldn't mind dating one to see where it could go.
     
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