That Time I Was "Reverse Slut Shamed" By A Black Gay Man

Discussion in 'Dating and Relationships' started by Nick Delmacy, Nov 20, 2015.

  1. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    [​IMG]

    Yesterday I was speaking with a friend on the phone and I experienced something that has happened many times before. I was reverse slut shamed.

    Out of respect, I won’t say the friend’s real name but for now let’s just call him “Schmocky Schmilliams.” Just for a little background, Shmocky Schmilliams is in a long term sexually active relationship and in the past has had a very active sex life.

    WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS…

    The conversation was going well as usual, covering a variety of pop culture topics and current events. Then out of the blue, no leading segue whatsoever, he implied that the number of times I’d had sex in the last 3 years could be counted on one hand.

    My first reaction was to laugh. He was joking, right?

    No, he was serious. This was not a setup to a larger joke between buddies. He pressed on, outright asking me if his calculated guess was actually true.

    No, I said to him. However I admitted that I’d only had sex a handful of times this year, all with people I’d already known. No one permanent or new. I’ve been on my DJ Khaled shit this year.

    Here’s the thing. He and I have had this conversation many times before. He already knows that I’ve never been a person pressed for sex and admittedly I haven’t been having it a lot lately by choice.

    Why was Schmocky Schmilliams, without provocation, suddenly interested in the activity of my penis?

    Again.

    He didn’t ask me when, as a man in my late 30’s, I’d last been to a doctor for a checkup.

    Or when I’d last checked my credit report.

    Or how my pregnant soon-to-burst sister-in-law was progressing.

    No, he made the conversation about my sex life, or lack thereof.

    This in itself was not a problem. He’s a friend and it was not a topic I was ashamed of speaking about. So, as I stated earlier, my response was that while my 3-year body count was not as minuscule as he predicted, it was admittedly lower than most.

    While his response was prefaced with “there’s totally nothing wrong with that” gestures of “support,” I could tell that his voice was full of confusion, sadness, disappointment and possibly remorse.

    Was he secretly feeling sorry for me? Was he, as a married gay man, subconsciously wanting to live vicariously through his single friend’s sex life? Was he selfishly hoping I would “find me a man” so that we could all double date and travel as gay couples? Or was he just feeling like his friend was being deprived of an essential lifestyle like a Liberal American would feel for a Syrian refugee?

    [​IMG]

    I then reversed the conversation and asked him what number would have made him more satisfied with my response as a person who is not currently dating anyone consistently? 50? 100?

    Let’s say 50 times. There are 52 weeks in a year so that’s having sex roughly once per week. Given that most men on our site have stated that having sex too early while dating is a no-no, the bulk of those quick sexual experiences would have to come from Hookups if I wanted to remain single yet still meet my quota.

    So that’s potentially 50 anonymous hookups…for a 38 year old man…living in Atlanta. On paper, that’s not an impossible feat. It’s actually aiming pretty low.

    Now I don’t know about the rest of you but I have too much shit to do to be looking for 50 different men to hookup with. Especially given the many tit-for-tat hoops you have to jump through with gay men on these apps and sites.

    On top of that, I’m a hypochondriac who lives in Atlanta where the HIV rates are mind-boggling. Estimates for metro Atlanta show more than 26,000 people living with HIV/AIDS and Atlanta is the fifth highest metro area for rates of new HIV diagnoses, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

    I’ve made it 38 years without ever getting an STD or STI and I’d like to keep it that way. No Charlie Sheen confessions here. This is not mentioned to shame those that have had or do live with these treatable infections, just to say that extreme prevention and selectivity has always superseded brief moments of pleasure for me.

    But these are all excuses.

    I could easily have an extremely active sex life and still remain (relatively) safe with the use of condoms, minimal flesh-to-flesh body contact and no open-sore kissing or fluid transfers.

    Sounds fun, doesn’t it? :troll:

    I’M EXHAUSTED WITH THE GAY DATING SCENE AND LIFESTYLE

    Seriously though, one of the real reasons that I’m not having a lot of sex right now is I’m really just exhausted with the whole “scene.” For example, check out these Public Service Announcements I saw recently for PrEP. The first features a shirtless twink cruising a bar for sex saying that “he likes to party.”



    Is this really my life? Is this the lifestyle I imagined for myself as a kid?

    Then there is this PSA featuring openly gay former NGBA San Francisco Rockdogs basketball player DeMarco Majors cruising Grindr for a hookup in his (realistically) messy bedroom.



    Again, is this my life? Hookups and conversations with strangers about PrEP?

    Lastly, recently on Cypher Avenue’s social networking site The Boards we discussed a criminal case in Atlanta where police caught a 19-year-old kid who targeted gay men for ATM robberies and carjackings on Jack’d (no pun intended). The multiple victims were 34 to 39-year-old men seeking hookups in the wee hours of the morning.

    No judgments and safety concerns aside, I’ve just never been the type of 30+ year old man who felt compelled to hookup with an anonymous 19-year-old at 3am in the morning.

    Yet this is my life.

    A life where other gay men see there something being wrong with ME for not experiencing or even wanting to experience that.

    Getting back to my telephone conversation with Schmocky Schmilliams, I asked him if he were single as a newly turned 39 year old man in Atlanta, would he be having sex with at least 50 different men per year. At first he replied with a quick, yes! Then he clarifies and stated that in actuality, he would have a “stable” of about 4-5 guys who would be on his rotation.

    That’s still 4-5 guys that you’re having causal sex with at least once or twice per week to meet that 50 quota. That in itself is great. Hell, even the 50 anonymous hookups are great.

    As many readers already know, I’m a defender of many things that I personally don’t engage in myself. I’m a defender of first date sex, a defender of one night stands, a defender of hookups, a defender of friends with benefits and a staunch defender of the so-called homewrecker.

    So it always perplexes me when the subject of not enough sex comes up. Why not be a defender of the selective sex having black gay man? Especially in a lifestyle and community ravaged with STIs?

    Like a seldom seen relative (who doesn’t know you’re gay) at a family reunion that wonders why you’re still unmarried, the response from gay men is often, “what’s wrong with you, boy!?”

    This is because they know how EASY it is to get sex if you really want sex.

    The “I like to party” twink featured in the above PSA stated, “having lots of sex makes you a stud.” This is true for gay men as well, especially if you are Versatile or a Top. As men we’re assumed to have lots of sex. Especially since we don’t have the fear of unwanted pregnancies.

    We’ve stated since the beginning of this website 4 years ago that the gay community is built on sex and Hooking up. Sex permeates our music, our movies, our web series, our novels and fiction…Sex drives our YouTube bloggers’ videos and drives much of the advertising dollars the community generates. Literally 100% of our gay dating sites list Top/Bottom sexual position and HIV status above interests and education. You’d be hard pressed to visit a gay website and NOT see ads for porn, hookup apps or HIV testing.

    On this website, we’ve successfully bucked that trend for the most part. Showing that there is more to gay men than just our HIV status.

    But here was my homie reverse slut shaming me. Basically calling me “Dry-Dick Nick” without actually saying the words.

    [​IMG]

    PERCEPTION

    To be fair, he wasn’t that harsh about it all…and to be even more honest, this came on the heels of a previous 6 month old conversation that I myself initiated on my lack of telephone-book long list of sexual experiences.

    Back then, I admitted to him that at times I did occasionally look at men who had extremely active gay sex lives in their youth and wonder if I missed out on some enjoyment.

    Many gay men that I’ve dated have told me stories about various whirlwind relationships, brief sexual encounters, group cabin trips and romantic island getaways all before they reached the age of 28-years-old. I didn’t even start dating and making gay friends until I was that age, so I missed out on having those young gay man experiences.

    Now, at 38-years-old, not only don’t I have those personal past stories to draw from, I really don’t have an overwhelming desire to engage in those acts now. So from the outside looking in it can appear as if I haven’t lived my gay life to the fullest. That I’m being deprived of something essential.

    Don’t get me wrong, as a black gay man, I’ve had my fair share of great sex with some very dope men. I have no regrets. I love my life, my journey and the person I’ve become.

    Happiness and Priorities are in the eye of the beholder, I guess.

    I know some fathers who will say that there is no greater joy than having a child. On the flip side, I know some childless men who think about having kids and say, “uh ah, fuck dat…”

    STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO IT TOO

    Here, near the end, is my main thesis for this already unnecessarily long essay. I believe that there are MANY single men, straight and gay, who are not having porn star quantity sex on a weekly, monthly and yearly basis.

    To be real, even actual Porn Stars are not having what is perceived to be porn star quantity sex. Just because you watch their old scenes every night on Myvidster, that doesn’t mean those people are actually having sex that many times a week.

    Many of the single straight men I know are not using the heterosexual equivalent to Grindr and Jack’d to have anonymous hookup sex at 3am with some woman in a Walmart parking lot. That’s not to say that men aren’t pussy hounds, my own brother is a reformed dog who sniffed a lot of ass in his past. But I don’t get the vibe in straight circles that every heterosexual guy I know is having sex with 50-100 different women a year. Especially the men I know in their late 30s.

    So maybe we need more men to “come out of the closet” so to speak and freely reveal that they aren’t these studs whose body counts could fill a typical 20-page Cheesecake Factory menu.

    It’s actually already beginning.

    Gay writer and blogger Nico Lang penned this excellent essay, “21 Things I Learned From Not Having Sex For A Year,” where he states:

    There’s no “normal” sex life, and most of it comes in waves. At certain points in your life you will be more interested in casual sex than at other times. Sometimes you want a fuckbuddy; sometimes you’re not interested in that and getting on Grindr seems like the least appealing thing to you. You want an app that finds a guy who will be nice to your mom and texts you back. Whatever you want right now, no one should make you feel like you don’t deserve that. Life’s too short to accept anything less than what you need.
    In “Why Can’t I Get Laid? One Man’s Journey Through A Yearlong Dry Spell,” writer Daniel Barna reveals a reality that we gay men seldom realize face heterosexual men:

    I still seek potential partners under the subterranean glow of the bar scene — maybe not the best approach for a 30-year-old male with a receding hairline…I haven’t even considered online dating, because despite the fact that some of my buddies have met their wives on plenty-of-OK-cupid-harmony, there’s a stigma there that I just can’t get over.
    And its not a Top versus Bottom reality…no matter your preferred sexual position/role, we still see hesitation in admitting that a person isn’t getting any.

    In our recent Bottoms Roundtable Podcast, I specifically asked the men about this and the response was hesitant, as if he didn’t want to admit publicly that he had extended periods of no sex, much like myself. At the 32:35 mark, one of the Squad Members talked about how at one point he primarily put all of his energy into work and his career and networking so he didn’t do much dating at all. I felt like he was speaking my language so my follow-up question was did he go on anonymous hookups during that dry dating spell. After acting like he didn’t understand the question, his response was, “You’ve got to, you’ll go insane if you don’t.”

    Insane? That may have been hyperbole but it does represent the perception that many men have regarding sex. It’s as essential as oxygen, water, carbs and proteins.

    The reasons behind my personal lack of crushing a lot of men lately are as varied as reasons why many gay men do the opposite: I’m not pressed for sex, I’m more focused on career and building my businesses at the moment, I’m a STD & HIV hypochondriac, I’m not satisfied with my available options, I’ve got my own insecurities, I’ve got occasional minor medical issues that cause unwarranted anxiety, I don’t feel “sexy” sometimes, I’m too busy to entertain the back-and-forth of apps and hookups sites, masturbation fulfills my needs without the armed robbery risks, the list goes on…

    Admittedly, a therapist could probably have a field day with all of that…

    But I’d wager that there are many gay men out there that feel the same way, but they fear they will be reverse slut shamed if they do.

    What’s your experience, do you relate to any of this or am I deserving of the shame?



    Read the whole post here.
     
  2. alton

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    Well, "they" say you got dat "Museum Dick" son, maybe "Schmocky Schmilliams" concerned that you not having enough exhibitions and sharin' it with the people. LOL!! Nah, j/k. I honestly don't think the "average" person, gay or straight, is having sex on the regular either. Most regular, working class people bust they a$$es at a stressful job that they most likely can't stand all, some at two. And most of those people stick in some gym time here and there, and may also have a side hustle as well. Who has the time to be f@#kin once a night, or even once a week with that schedule? Sh!t, I know MARRIED people that ain't f@#kin more than once a week. LOL But yeah, I with you Nick, I can count on one hand as well, how many dude I've had sex with in the past 3 (actually longer than that) years. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not sweatin' it either. I'm tryin to make money.
     
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  3. grownman

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    Well, I guess all three of us our in the same "lonely ship" out on sea. Lol. I can definitely say for myself that sex is a word that isn't even in my vocabulary. I mentioned in the J/O thread that I am tired from school and working overnight. I barely have time to J/O the way I would like to. So, you no I cant be hitting nothing. It will happen when it needs to.
     
  4. Dr. Strange

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    Hmm, sounds like whats happening to you is what happened to my former friends who were around your age and older. They began to focus on other things and dating went onto the back burner. But one thing one of them always said was "I can walk and chew gum at the same time" which confused me because the actions didn't follow the words. Which became off putting for me. I can understand the frustrations and irritations of getting to know people and dating. Admittedly, my sexual life story is similar to yours. I started my "gay" life earlier then you, 20 y/o, and have had some decent experiences. But I've never had what you explained that other gay men are saying what one is suppose to have when it comes to sex and dating. And I don't agree with the whole "sex is easy" thought process as from experience it never has been. I don't believe shaming is necessary because its based on someone else's politics and ideas. If you're fine with the way things are now then that's the long and short of it. However, if you're desiring for some kind of something with someone and you're suppressing that under the guise of "I'm busy" or just pure laziness then that's probably something that needs to be addressed. Like I said in the podcast, I don't believe in sacrificing one thing for another. And while it always doesn't work out, I aim for balance between the things I desire.
     
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  5. cypher21

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    [​IMG]

    :lupe1:....just want to reach through the screen and hug him tight!

    Interesting article! I have shared many of your sentiments on this topic, because people to seem quick to defend hookups. FB, etc but if you want to take things slow and build a relationship you're a prude or playing games. I understand everyone has needs and some need more then others but really? I'm not being selective because I think I'm better than anyone I'm just trying to do what best for me, same as (mostly) everyone else! So glad to see I'm not alone on this front because alot of guys my age seem fixated on only one thing. Like you I worry that I'm missed out on things by not being more open, but I hard finding the balance between having fun and overdoing it.
     
  6. SB3

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    :khart2:

    Negro, there's more???

    Lol. Good stuff. I can definitely relate.

    But when I tell you, that ur lil jabs are sumthin else...smh. This had me lmao
     
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  7. OhSheit

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    I was wondering, do gay men even make-out with individuals and call it a night? Is that more frowned upon than just skipping to anal? Too old fashion a bit? Cuz I'd be more open to sucking face than sucking other things. I wouldn't mind doing that type of hoeing around.

    Great read though, Dry-dick Nick. :whut:
     
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  8. Comment Imported From Main Site

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    I honestly think this is generational. I've been active since I was a teenager and now at 25, getting laid isn't a big deal for me. I think it's interesting that sgl men in Atlanta average about 50 hookuos
     
  9. Comment Imported From Main Site

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    Very interesting thoughts Nick. I think it's incredible that there are men who have over 50 hookups a year. Just wondering whether this is a generational thing. Or perhaps a contextual issue, I'm from Johannesburg,SA where having less sexual partners is not a source of shame but praise. The provincial government here has even started an advertising campaign aimed at MSMs and rather than slut shaming people there's more of a "be open about your business" kind of message to sgl men. At 25, the idea of hooking up with 50 guys a year is shocking. Guys being guys (straight or gay), the number of sexual partners will always be subject to exaggeration. So it's a bit hard to digest that. Having said that I completely share your sentiments. There comes a time in a man's life when quality matters over quantity. I don't think one ought to feel bad about not meeting the quota of hookups in a year. At the end of the day we all have our individual preferences and we need to respect that. Sex is good, it's healthy and rewarding. How we choose to engage with it, shouldn't be a source of shame or ridicule.
     
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  10. Dante

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    I LOVE YOU @Nick Delmacy! Great article (as always), alongside @ockydub!

    I can relate to you 100%. It's culturally expected for men in general to have a lot of sex. For the most part, I have a lot of straight female friends. With having to hear their episodic man issues, I never have to say anything about how much sex or lack thereof that I am having. Even during my FREAK OFF days from 19-30, I was very selective. And now that I'm older, it has slowed down tremendously (i.e. work, volunteering and other stuff going on). I'm horny ALL DAY long like crazy, but that's ok. And there is more to life than just having sex. Eventually, I will have a fwb or boyfriend situation and I will make time to get it in. However, I'm currently not going to die of sexual starvation or feel that my life doesn't have purpose as a gay man because I put my sex life in a personal safe or a PENDING file, either for a period of time or episodically.
     
    #10 Dante, Nov 21, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2015
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  11. SB3

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    That 50 ppl a year analogy was def a bit:whut:. At 33 yrs, my total body count isnt even at 50.
     
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  12. Nick Delmacy

    Nick Delmacy is a Verified MemberNick Delmacy Da Architect
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    Last night @ockydub cursed me out for writing an essay about our "private" conversation then he double-downed on the 50 hookups a year estimate. :merchant:

    Props to people who have those experiences, live life to the fullest is what I say. But that sex hound lifestyle was never for me. I did the hookup thing back in my 20s but never to the extent that I would call it a "hoe phase."

    At the same time, I don't judge the folks who did have one. If I met a cool down ass dude who in the past ran through half the city, I'd still date the nikka. I don't get into the "you're damaged goods because you enjoyed your youth and had lots of sex" shit that a lot of straight and gay men whine about.
     
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  13. SB3

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    Lol. Its so funny when @ockydub gets in his feelings.

    But yea, I agree. If I was a single, openly gay guy in my 20's, I'm sure I'd have a higher body count too. Yet, I'm naturally just not a bed hopper, and have the same hypochondriac thing goin on.

    I love how u keep saying, 'not that theres anything wrong w it'. Lol. If these negros are grown enough to be sexual, then they're grown enough to know that discussing different experiences and opinions doesn't equal judging. What I look like saying I wouldn't date a solid azz dude (no pun intended) who happened to have had a healthy sex life in his past?
     
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  14. hannibal

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    I frequently go months without sex. I just be busy and I don't just spread'em for just anybody. I too get reversed slut shamed. However, Nick, I don't get the benefit of masculine priviledge like you do.
     
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  15. bpaisle

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    Great Article @Nick Delmacy

    Yeah I've always been too nervous about HIV and other STDs to engage in a lot of sex. I am a bit of a prude but I think it's better than the alternative. You only get one body so you need to protect it.
     
  16. Rhode

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    As an older gay man, things have slowed to a stop. I have had my hey day when I was younger, (before AIDS), but as times have changed, I had to change to adapt to this new age where sex with the wrong person could be harmful if not fatal in many different ways. Yes, I still wish to be sexually active with someone new and fresh, but as things are now, that is not my reality. However,I am dealing with it, and I am not prone to go out "cruising" for it. I am sure I could make it happen if I did that, but at what cost? If I meet someone cool on the same page as I, the possibilities are endless, but if not, life goes on. Real Talk, (don't judge me too harshly, but if you must, go for it), I am very grateful for the PornHub website. It takes some of the harsh edges off the lack of real life intimacy... and allows me to move on to other things and minimize the obsession with sex and the lack thereof.
     
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  17. SB3

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    Nice to hear some of the older guys speaking up man.
     
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  18. alton

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    Mine either, and I'm a stone throw away from 40yo but TRUST and believe, I know MANTY a muhf@ka, who's yearly count is that or more. MAN-TY...a muhf@ka. LOL
    [​IMG]
     
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  19. alton

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    "I am very grateful for the PornHub website. It takes some of the harsh edges off the lack of real life intimacy... " LOL!!
    [​IMG]
     
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  20. Discordant

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    I get reverse slut-shamed all the time by my best friend. It's irritating and did kind of give me a bit of a complex for a while; when it came time to intimacy, I would always start thinking about how I don't have a lot of experience and how I'd measure up to the last person they slept with but I've mostly gotten over it. I'm not going to have sex just to have sex.
     
  21. Kouncelor

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    Do most people consider having sex to be penetration? Do you find that most guys "require" penetration?

    I agree, I definitely do not have sex just to have sex.. and I don't do penetration "on the fly". For me it's not really about STD's.. I am careful with who I am with, what I do, and how I do it... so ai can't claim that fear.
    It's more about the individual. I don't have time for knuckleheads, drama, and folks not dealing with their own issues.
     
  22. hannibal

    Most Comedic Player Squad Leader The 100 Daps Club

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    you ain't nobody's 33. SMDH
     
  23. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

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    There's that @hannibal shade Ive been needing in my life!

    Negro, 8/24/82! I got receipts!
     
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  24. SB3

    SB3 is a Featured MemberSB3
    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

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    Thats why I proposed to myvidster a few months ago! It pulls pornhub, redtube, n xvids all together in 1 beautiful place.

    Also..can we just acknowledge how fine Obama is right quick?!
     
  25. Discordant

    Squad Leader The 100 Daps Club

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    I consider all sexual stimulation sex, but I understand some people don't "count" oral sex. But most of the folks I've come come across are typically okay with non-penetrative acts, at least the first couple of times things escalate. After that it seems to become a requirement.
     
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  26. alton

    Squad Leader The Great Debater The 1000 Daps Club

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    LOL!!!! Yeah...he can still get it, even after 7+yrs in the "Mastuh's House" cause that sh!t take years off a person life. Look at Bill before and after LOL!!
     
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  27. Nigerian Prince

    Squad Veteran Most Valuable Player The 1000 Daps Club Supporter

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    As someone who just turned 26 and who's still a virgin, I get reverse slut shamed all the time lol. But I am at a point in my life that as young as I still am, I cannot just stick it inside anyone. I have to make wise decisions. I have the hypochondriac thing going on too but I also believe that a man that receives me sexually will have to work for it just as much as I have to work for it from him. I want my first time to be meaningful and not just some random hookup. You don't know where people stick their mouths or what they are letting up inside the booty these days.
     
  28. Comment Imported From Main Site

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    I'm an advocate for responsible prostitution. By responsible prostitution I mean soliciting the services of a handsome professional sex worker who practices safe sex, not someone just looking to get a fix (on drugs), someone who appears trustworthy, etc. I don't believe prostitution is a crime, just like I don't feel like weed is a crime ... And yes, porn can be a decent outlet but I think at the end of the day it's a false solution ... it only strengthens our desire for genuine intimacy and anxiety about being single. And age is a social construct that has destroyed the happiness and out-going nature of plenty of gay men in the dark about the truth, as long as you're relatively healthy, and have the time and funds, age doesn't matter when it comes to enjoying all fruits of the gay lifestyle. In fact, most of the men I meet at the bathhouses here in Texas are 40+ professional men ... and many are hella fine and are great conversationalists (it's like I hit a gold mine lol). I have several bomb memories of having a great time simply socializing and on some days having hot random sex with these more experienced men lol Happy Turkey Day CA Fam!
     
    Rhode dapped this.
  29. Comment Imported From Main Site

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    It's good to know that there are young black gay men out there who know what time it is: 26 and still a virgin is pretty awesome. With the internet it seems that you could find other gay men who think as you do. On another related note, it's long past the time for gay men in general, and black gay men in particular, to incorporate regular HIV testing in the dating process especially in the beginning stages. In fact, if you are a sexually active gay man, regular HIV testing (every 3 to 6 months or so) is probably a good idea. It is also probably a good idea to test, as a dating couple, for all the STDs (not just HIV). A new antibiotic has not been put on the market in decades and some of the common STDs are said to be resistant to antibiotics already out here. So a speedy recovery for a common STD like gonorrhea is not necessarily guaranteed. New antibiotics are urgently needed. My understanding is that there are several new antibiotics currently being tested but who knows when (or if) they will be approved by the FDA for general use. So it is a very good idea to take care of yourself. Nobody is looking out for black gay men so it's a good idea to look out for yourself. I'm sure you've all heard the saying that the criminal justice system in America is broken. Well, take my word for it that the health care system in this country is just as broken if not more so. So those things that you can prevent (like STDs) you would do well to prevent. You will save yourself a lot of needless distress. The stigma against HIV positive people (although not as bad as it was in the 1980s/1990s) is still very much alive and well. Take care of yourselves.
     
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  30. OckyDub

    OckyDub is a Verified MemberOckyDub I gave the Loc'ness monstah about $3.50
    Site Founder The 10000 Daps Club

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    I hope folks have heard the saying that "there is two sides to a story and usually the truth is somewhere in the middle"...right...RIGHT?
     
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